On Thin Ice

by PJ Sharon

  “Maybe that’s because you don’t want to go home.” He tucked his chin down, studying the expression on my upturned face.

  “It’s pretty stressful there right now.” The muscles of my jaw tensed.

  “Things are getting crazy, huh?”

  I tried to laugh but snorted instead, much to my embarrassment and his amusement. “It’s been pretty much chaos my entire life,” I said. “I’m not sure I’d know what sane looked like if it was staring me in the mirror.”

  He peered down at me. “I think you need a good breakfast and then a nice long walk in the woods. It’s the place that makes the most sense to me when life is kicking my ass.”

  “That sounds perfect.” My stomach rumbled loudly in agreement. I started the calorie count for the day in my head. I liked eating breakfast—sometimes my only solid food other than my vitamin supplements. If I started my day with 300-500 calories and a handful of horse pills, I usually had enough energy for the rest of the day so I could easily skip meals or load up on protein shakes or granola bars and feel perfectly fine, making my 1200-1500 calories a day very doable. “Do you mind if I take a shower first?” Sticky and feeling the need to pee, I wiggled my way reluctantly out of his arms and sat up. I rubbed my hands over my face and ran fingers through my short, crazy mop of curls. In the light of day, I felt awkward about my nudity and pulled the sheet around my body, suddenly reminded of my muscled thighs.

  “After everything we did last night, you’re bashful?” He raised a brow, examining me, his hands behind his head. A blush started in my cheeks and when we both noticed the smear of blood on the bed at the same time, I felt my face burn. He ignored my gasp and waved me off. “You go. I’ll take care of the sheets. No worries.” He rose up on one elbow and playfully patted my butt through the sheet I held tightly around me.

  The sick sensation that had flooded my stomach disappeared. It felt good for a change to let someone else be responsible—let someone take care of me. A warm blanket of calm came over me and I knew that I could trust him. He had proven that in a hundred ways the night before.

  I tore the rest of the top sheet off the bed and wrapped it around me like a toga as I stood. I turned back. “Thank you...for last night...for everything.” Heat infused my cheeks again.

  He grabbed my hand and kissed my palm, “You’re welcome.” Our eyes locked and the intensity of the moment started my heart racing.

  I sensed his eyes following me as I retrieved my bag from the closet and slipped out the door and down the hall. We were the first to rise, so the bathroom was empty. I brushed my teeth, took care of bathroom business, and cleaned myself up. I wasn’t still bleeding, so that made me feel better, but my mind spun with questions I didn’t want to ask myself. We showered together—another new experience I wouldn’t soon forget—in the interest of conserving water, of course.

  I threw on jeans and a baggy tee-shirt and we fixed scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast, working around each other in the kitchen like we’d been doing it forever. Our bodies moved like planets around the sun, caught in the same gravitational pull. My concerns about the sex of the night before drifted repeatedly into my head. We’d gotten caught up in the moment, neither of us willing or able to stop the whirlwind of need that drove us. At least Carter had had the sense to use a condom. I had been oblivious to having any thoughts beyond the feelings he had awakened in me. Impulsiveness had never been a problem for me. I was a planner. I had my one year, three year, and five year plan all mapped out. Somehow, in one week’s time, I’d become the kind of girl who couldn’t think past the moment.

  We sat mesmerized by each other across the cluttered kitchen table, his eyes especially bright and a permanent grin on his face. I ate most of my breakfast, surprised at how easily it went down and how hungry I was. He wiped ketchup off my cheek and kissed me as he cleared the plates away. My heart beat quickened and warmth spread through me.

  “C’mon. Let’s leave the dishes and take that walk.” Carter grabbed my hand and led me through the pile of bodies splayed out on furniture and floor throughout the living room. The house looked like it had suffered a major tropical storm, bottles and cans littering the place in every corner. Trash overflowed and dirty dishes and pizza boxes lay piled into a heap on the coffee table. We snuck out before the half dozen remnants rose from the debris. I offered to stay and help clean up, but Carter insisted it was tradition that the last one up got stuck with cleanup.

  “Bull keeps the blinds closed in his room. He won’t see the light of day until well after noon—especially if Sami spent the night.”

  I thought of my friend with a nudge of guilt at not having made sure she was safe the night before. After all the years I had looked out for her, I honestly hadn’t given her a second thought once I had locked myself away in Carter’s room, another indication that some integral part of me had changed seemingly overnight. I wondered if Sami had done with Bull what I had done with Carter. Warmth flooded my veins again as pictures flashed in my mind, his touch still lingering on every inch of my flesh.

  We walked down the steep path behind the house and headed toward the river, Carter leading me along by the hand. To me it seemed impossible that anyone had ever shared what we did last night. It was the most special experience of my life, and I felt sure that most first times weren’t as magical as ours had been. The word perfect crept into my head. I shook off the sensation of dread that followed.

  Perhaps the changes in me were for the better. I needed to stop worrying about everyone else and start focusing on what I wanted. The joy in my heart lay like a seed waiting to be watered and nurtured, not plucked out by guilt and worry. Maybe, this little piece of happiness I felt bursting from my heart would take hold and grow into something wonderful and lasting. It was easy to believe in the warmth of a summer day, when everything around us bloomed with fragrant life, but what would happen when fall came? The familiar voice of doom snuck into the Eden I was trying so hard to imagine.

  Summer vacation had just begun and I could see its end around the corner. Carter would find out the truth when I returned to high school as a senior, the leaves would turn colors and drop from the trees, and the dead of winter would be here before I knew it. Then everything would change.

  Chapter 8

  “I have to be at the rink for 2:00; the ice time is already paid for.” The truth was I wanted nothing more than to continue holding hands and walking side by side with Carter for the rest of the day rather than face my real life. The dew of morning had passed and a dry warm breeze rustled the leaves and kept the mosquitoes at bay. We walked in the shade under the canopy of wispy pines along the river path—our own tunnel of love. My heart ached with joy and contentment. I could almost believe that I had escaped my dreary life in Somerville, Connecticut, and had been transported to a far off land where reality had no place and life could end with happily ever after.

  “Could I come watch you?” he asked, draping his arm around my shoulder.

  I snapped to attention and my heart skipped. No one had been to watch me skate in a long while. “Do you really want to?”

  “Sure. I told you, I grew up in rinks myself. Besides, I can’t wait to see you in those tight leggings again,” he said with a waggle of his dark brows.

  I nudged him in the ribs, laughing, and tossed a stick in the water, watching it drift downstream. He turned me to face him and pulled me close. My breath escaped me. His eyes reflected the sunlight off the water and the light green of spring leaves. It felt strange to look into his face and see the reflection of myself. Our hair was the same color and length, nearly identical mops of wayward dark curls. The scar on his lip was a match to the one above my right eye, (courtesy of a head first crash into the boards), and something about the way he smiled in that slightly off-center way even reminded me of me. His light eyes were the perfect complement to my dark. It felt like I’d found my other half.

  He stroked my cheek and pushed a curl behind my ear, sending rippling w
armth through my body. “You were amazing last night. I’ve never been with anyone like you before.”

  “Have you been with many other girls?” The question popped out before I could stop it.

  He hesitated, and then let out a breath. He loosened his hold, sensing me stiffen and pull back. “My first time was with my sixteen year old baby sitter when I was twelve.” He grinned awkwardly and paused to catch my reaction, but I only blinked, keeping my face a stoic neutral. “I haven’t been with anyone since I’ve been here, but I’ve dated quite a bit.”

  I took a breath myself and smiled, determined to be mature and understanding.

  “I was wondering why you were so good at...what you did last night.” I had to ask him in spite of the heat that was already rising in my cheeks. “Carter, you knew I was a virgin, didn’t you?”

  He still held me close, looking down into my face, searching my features for signs of regret I think.

  “Yeah, I figured as much.” He leaned in and whispered past my ear. “You were perfect. You did everything right.” His comment twisted something inside me, but I squeezed him tight around the waist and rested my head against his chest. He kissed along my hair, inhaling deeply, as if absorbing my scent. “You’re not sorry, are you?” he asked.

  “No. I’m happy. I’m glad it was you.” I looked up when he laughed.

  His fingers trailed along my cheek as he studied my face, his expression growing serious. “Good. I wouldn’t want to think of any other guy looking into those beautiful brown eyes of yours.” He pulled me close again and spoke softly in my ear, sending a wave of heat to my insides. “I get the feeling you don’t even know you’re pretty—which makes you even more irresistible.” When he let me go, I could hardly meet his eyes and my face burned with embarrassment. No one had ever said anything like that to me before and I didn’t know how to take it. If the compliments made me uncomfortable, his next words sent my ovaries into total chaos. “I want you to feel just how beautiful you are, Penny. As a matter of fact, I’d like to show you again right now.” A sly smile edged his lips and I wasn’t sure if he was serious or not.

  My body tensed at his bold suggestion. Once without being on “the pill” was bad enough. I would have to do something about that before we did it again. Trusting only a condom and making Carter solely responsible didn’t seem right. Feeling confused and trapped, I pulled away, using more force than I’d intended.

  “What’s wrong?” He dropped his hands from my shoulders. “Are you okay? Are you mad about last night?”

  “No...I don’t know.” The truth was I didn’t know what I was feeling. Some magical place inside of me I hadn’t known was there had opened up and I knew I would never be the same. A part of me wanted to sing it to the tree tops. But another piece of me was disappointed in myself. I had given up something I could never get back and I hadn’t even thought about the consequences. How could I have trusted so easily? I didn’t even know this guy. That I had done something so careless was so unlike me that I suddenly wasn’t sure I knew myself at all. Carter was saying something and I was half listening when his next sentence registered loud and clear.

  “I’m sorry about the condom...breaking. I’ve never let that happen before...I guess I got carried away.” Color rose along his neck. “That was my fault and it won’t happen again. I promise, okay? But don’t worry, I give blood every six months and I’ve been tested. I think it’ll be all right, but if you’re worried about getting pregnant, they have that morning after pill, right? Unless you’re on birth control... that would be better...” He fumbled with the words, obviously uncomfortable with the entire discussion.

  I stared, dumbfounded. I had no idea the condom had broken. All of the consequences of the night before slammed into my brain. Pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases...I vaguely remembered Carter being upset about something, but I thought it was something I had done. I hadn’t realized the damn condom broke. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I couldn’t be mad at him. It wasn’t his fault. At least he had made the effort to be responsible, unlike me, who had completely ignored my better judgment. My jaw clenched in self-reproach.

  “No problem. I’ll take care of it,” I said. What else could I say?

  He rubbed my back as if calming a skittish horse and nodded toward the bank of the river where it twisted and headed south toward the Boy Scout camp. “Let’s sit.”

  I stepped over a decaying log and followed him toward the embankment, thinking about him saying I was perfect and how I’d done everything right. I was stupid to let my emotions get so out of control. I might not have even done it if I hadn’t had those two beers. I was an idiot. I had a crazy urge to cry or run away. This couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t be having sex or falling in love with someone I’d just met. Falling in love? Why did it feel like I’d known him forever? I needed to get a grip. It was all happening way too fast. My father would have a hemorrhage if he knew, and my mom...

  Carter plopped down and patted the ground beside him. Noting my hesitation, he flashed an innocent grin that shot straight to my heart. “Don’t worry, I won’t attack you. I can be a gentleman.”

  “I wasn’t worried.” I sighed and settled down onto the mossy ledge beside him. “Things are moving a little fast, that’s all.”

  He looked young at that moment, his eyes smiling, and his mouth serious. Like a little boy who had written in indelible ink on his bedroom wall and didn’t want to be in trouble.

  “Again, I’m really sorry about last night,” he said. “I didn’t say anything because I wanted it to be special for you. I guess we should have talked about protection before we started.” He smiled over at me and squeezed my hand, then brought it to his lips. “And I know what you mean. It did happen fast...but it feels right, doesn’t it?” We sat dangling our feet over the bank, inches above the rushing waters of the Scantic River, listening to the quiet whooshing of water tumbling over ancient granite boulders. My hand felt small in his.

  “I have a lot happening in my life right now, Carter.”

  “We can take a step back if you want. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” He let go of my hand and brushed my bangs out of my eyes. “I can’t say it will be easy going back to being just friends, though.”

  He was right. We couldn’t undo the intimate tie that now bound us. And I couldn’t imagine him never touching me like this again. I leaned into the warmth of his hand on my cheek and took in his scent, the smell of the soap from our shower bringing a rush of memories I wanted never to forget and thought I’d like very much to repeat. I didn’t know why I was picking it apart, trying to find a way to sabotage the one good thing I had going. No! I was going to enjoy this as long as it lasted. I deserved to be happy, even if it was temporary. I couldn’t let my fear of falling steal the best part of my life. Not again.

  My heart raced as I gathered my courage and looked into his eyes. “What I want... is you. I’m tired of playing it safe.” I tugged him closer and ran my lips across the soft scruffiness of his cheek. My hands found their way under his tee shirt and ran up the smooth contours of his muscled back.

  He took my breath away with a long kiss, but a clock ticked inside my head. It was after noon and I had to get to the rink. I closed my lips, taking in one last sweet taste of his mouth. “I have to go. I have responsibilities, commitments... plans,” I whispered.

  Skating was more than a hobby. I’d been testing and competing for the past nine years and I had a show coming up in September. Competition would start again in the spring. I couldn’t let anything get in the way. I was preparing for a solo and several group numbers with the skating club and they were counting on me to be there. I’d skate from 2-5p.m., then work until ten. Dad would pick me up, and I would have to go home and face whatever disasters had happened during my absence. Perfect Penny whispered through my thoughts.

  Carter rested his hands on my shoulders and captured my gaze, despite my efforts to look anywhere but in
his eyes. The fact that I was still lying to him had not escaped me.

  He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. I couldn’t think about it now, not while this moment in his arms felt so perfect. But reality made the last twenty four hours feel like a dream. My clock ticked louder. I broke away and climbed to my feet, dragging Carter up with me.

  He faced me and lifted my chin, his expression solemn, “Are we okay?”

  “Yeah...I have to go. I’m sorry to be a bummer, but this is important and I can’t blow it off.”

  “I understand. Come on. I don’t want to make you late.” He took my hand and led me away from the river’s edge. I looked back at the sun dancing on the water and left behind a moment I would commit to memory. One of those picture-worthy moments that changes your life forever.

  We made our way back to the house to retrieve my skates and so I could change for skating. We didn’t talk any more about what had happened, and I was glad. I didn’t want to think about it and spoil how special last night had been. Besides, I had no time today to get to a pharmacy. I could figure out what to do tomorrow. I needed a little time to process everything. It would be fine. Anyway, it wasn’t likely I’d get pregnant my first time.

  As predicted, Sami and Bull were laughing it up as they did dishes. Everyone else had gone home and the house was slowly being put back together. I was relieved to see her, safe and happy.

  When she saw me come in, she excused herself from her chore and dragged me into the bathroom, closing the door behind her and leaning against it. “Oh-my-GOD! Last night was awesome.”

  Chapter 9

  “You can’t be serious.” I helped my mother into her clothes, shocked at how much weight she’d lost in the last month. Her skin hung on her bones like an oversized sweater. “Do you really think you’re up to it?”

  We’d had a Labor Day picnic every year since before I was born, my mother acting as hostess and zookeeper for our crazy extended family, and she was determined to keep with tradition.