Seeking the Future

by Brenda Kennedy

  “I need to see Mom, but don’t tell her I have my memory back.”

  He dries his wet eyes. “I can do that.”

  Mom cautiously walks into the room. “You have me worried, Ava.” She sits carefully in the same chair Dad was sitting in just moments ago.

  “Do you know that every time I eat or smell no-bake cookies, I think of you?” Her lip quivers and I want to cry. I try to hold it together. “Do you know that cranberry and vanilla are my favorite scents for everything because they remind me of my childhood?”

  “Oh, Ava, you remember.”

  “Do you know that my love of baking came from your love of cooking? I had an amazing childhood and I know how much you loved me. I know that you used to threaten Dad to be on time for my dance recitals because I would be sad if he wasn’t there to watch me.” I sniffle when she begins to cry. “I know that my childhood was wonderful because I had the best parents around.”

  “I love you.” She stands and hugs me.

  “I love you, Mom.”

  When she tries to apologize about not being there for me during my marriage, I tell her that my childhood is what matters the most. Those eighteen-plus years I spent at home matter far more than the two years I had with Connor. It’s the truth. When she believes me and is able to forgive herself, I tell her I need to see Nichole. I ask her to please not expose my secret to the others.

  Nichole walks in and she looks terrible. I can’t even begin to imagine what her life was like. I remember some things that are painful to think about. She holds my hand before sitting down. I decide to not delay with what I have to tell her.

  I tell her, “I never thanked you for helping me.”

  “I just called 911…”

  I interrupt. “I mean with Connor. I know that he hurt you the time you tried to help me. I’ll be forever grateful to you standing up for me.”

  “You got your memory back?”

  “I do. I don’t want the others to know how bad it was during my marriage to Connor.”

  “I understand. I wish I could have done more for you. I wish I could have helped you.”

  We don’t break eye contact. “I think you helped me more than you know. We’ve been through so much with Brett and Connor; they are very much alike. I hate that one or the other could have fathered Lorraine’s child. It makes me sick thinking about it.”

  “Me, too.”

  “I also think you should get custody of your grandson and give him the best life possible. You have so much love to give and I think he needs it more than anyone.”

  “I’m a grandmother,” she says proudly. Then her smile fades. “I’m worried that you’ll think of Connor every time you see him.”

  “Don’t you worry about me; you need to do what’s right for him. He’s had a rough start, and I think he needs you.”

  “Thank you, Ava. It’s important that you remain in my life. I don’t ever want you to not come around because the memories are too painful for you.”

  “You have nothing to worry about. Nothing will ever keep me away from you.”

  She stands and hugs me. “You know I love you like a daughter, right?”

  “I do. I love you, too.”

  Skylar walks in and says, “I can’t take any more of this shit. I’m going to need a prescription for Xanax if we’re going to remain friends. Your memory loss and your passing out just now are making me a nervous wreck.”

  “Do you know what my favorite memory is?”

  “When we bought the inn?”

  “No. It was the night before we took the NCLEX test for nursing. We got the hotel room and stayed up all night studying.”

  “Shut the front door.” Skylar has the biggest smile ever.

  “I was so scared, but you kept assuring me that we had nothing to worry about.”

  “I was right. We aced that test.”

  “We did.” Well, we think we did. We both passed. The computerized test shut off at the lowest possible number indicating a passing score.

  She hugs me and it almost hurts. “You came back to me. What took you so damn long?”

  “I don’t know. Can you ever forgive me?”

  “If you can forgive me.”

  “Are you talking about Connor?”

  “I am.”

  “Can we never talk about him again?”

  “Let me say this one thing, and then I’ll never bring his name up again.” She continues without letting me answer. “I was this close to digging up his corpse and killing him again.”

  I don’t laugh because I know that that is how much she loves me. “Thank you.”

  “I am so glad to have you back.”

  “I’m glad to be back. Before I talk to Chase, I have one question for you.”

  “Ask anything you want.”

  “Do you love Drew, or should we plan your next breakup?”

  She looks dreamy eyed. “I am totally in love with him. He’s the one.”

  “Are you sure? You haven’t known him very long.”

  “I can’t tell you how I know, I just know.”

  “Okay. As long as you’re happy, that’s all I care about. Tell him for me that if he hurts you, he’ll have to deal with me.” We both laugh. “On second thought, I’ll have that talk with him myself.”

  “Thank you, Ava. I love you, girl.”

  Chase is next. This talk will be harder than the others. I exhale slowly in anticipation of his entrance. Some things need to be said and clarified, and now is the time. He knocks on the door before coming in.

  “You don’t need to knock.”

  “Just wanted to make sure you haven’t fallen asleep. It’s been a busy day for everyone.”

  “It sure has. Nichole is really going to need your help now.”

  “Yeah, she told me she wants to see about getting custody of Lorraine’s son. It shouldn’t be a problem. Sadly, I don’t see anyone fighting her for custody.”

  I know he’s talking about Brett, since he’s the child’s grandfather. “The sooner the better. He’s been through so much as it is.”

  “You’re going to be okay with that?”

  “I am.” Connor can’t hurt me any more than he already has. He tried to kill me the night of the accident. “The baby needs her.”

  “Yes, he does.”

  Chase

  I sit and watch Ava. She seems different. Her eyes are brighter and clearer. “Are you all right?” I ask. Something’s different about her.

  “I’m good. I have something to say to you.”

  “I think I know what it is.”

  “You do?” Ava says.

  “You think I knew about Connor and Lorraine. I swear on all that is important in my life that I knew nothing about them.”

  “I believe you.”

  “You do?”

  “I know you well enough to know that you wouldn’t sit by and let him hurt me. Physically or emotionally.”

  “You’re right. I wouldn’t.” If I had known about Connor, her life would be so different today. I would have stopped him and taken her away. I would have told her about my feelings from the very beginning. I wish I could redo the past. Make it right. Make it the way things should have been for us.

  “Do you remember when I asked you not to keep anything from me, that I was strong enough to hear it?”

  “I do, and you were right. You were stronger than I gave you credit for.”

  “Do you remember when you told me that you loved someone and she’ll be the only one for you?”

  “Of course I do.” What is she getting at?

  “Do you believe in love at first sight?”

  I watch her. “I do. I’ve experienced it.”

  “I have, too.” How could she know this? “I have something important to tell you and I hope you can handle it.”

  “I’m listening.” I have no idea what this can mean. What can she have to tell me?

  “I met a guy in college and as soon as I laid eyes on him, I knew he was someone
special. We had this friendship that I cherished, and I feared if I revealed my true feelings, it would have ruined everything we had.”

  “How do you remember that?”

  “I remember you.”

  “Ava? What are you saying?”

  “I remember the way my heart would patter when someone mentioned your name. I remember the butterflies I got every time I saw you. I remember the looks we gave each other from across a crowded room.” Tears fill her eyes.

  “Ava, you remember?” Is she saying what I think she is?

  “Chase, I’m saying that enough time has passed and I’m tired of hiding from my true feelings. I’m tired of being afraid that me loving you would ruin our friendship. I love you. I loved you in college and I loved you when I was married to Connor. You’re what kept me going in my darkest days. Your face, your smile, your touch. Everything about you.”

  She loves me? Is this a dream? Does she really have her memory back? Does she know that she’s the girl of my dreams? “You know how I feel about you, right?”

  “Am I the girl whom you talk about?”

  I stand more quickly than I intended. I cup her face in my hands. “You are. You’ve ruined me for all others. No one else compares to your beauty, your innocence, your kindness.” I search her eyes and she’s back.

  “I love you, Chase.” She leans in and kisses me.

  “Oh, Ava. I’ve waited for what feels like an eternity to hear those words from your mouth.” I kiss her forehead, her eyes, her nose. I kiss the sides of her naturally red lips before claiming her mouth. I kiss her deeply and passionately. I should kiss her softly and tenderly. I’ve waited so long for this. I want her to know how I feel about her. How much I love her. Pulling away from her, my breath is ragged. I feel like I just ran a marathon. “I love you.” I’ve waited forever for this day.

  “I love you, Chase.” She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me down to her mouth. “I want everything that we’ve been deprived of,” she says between kisses.

  I pull away breathless. Her breathing matches my own. “Your father arranged for Doctor Adams to see you here at this hospital. As soon as he clears you, I plan on taking you someplace wonderful, someplace you’ve never been before.”

  “It sounds romantic.”

  Trust me, it will be… God knows I’ve waited long enough. “I just need to make sure you’re medically cleared and ready.” I kiss her again.

  “I feel fine, other than this faint headache.”

  “Do the others know about your memory?”

  “They do. I saved you for last. I wanted to make sure I said the right things to you.”

  I laugh. “Ava, you could have spit, sputtered, and stuttered your words, and they still would have been musical.”

  She laughs. “I doubt that.”

  I look at her and I have to wonder why Skylar never told me how Ava felt. “Does Skylar know how you felt about me?”

  “No, I never told her. She knew my feelings early on, but she didn’t know when they grew into something stronger.”

  Doctor Adams walks in with everyone. We all stand back as he assesses her. I don’t take my eyes off of Ava. I listen to the doctor and watch Ava as she responds to him. He has always been there for her. They have a bond and I’m grateful that she’s had him during her memory loss. My mind drifts off to the events of today. It started off as a whirlwind and thankfully it didn’t end the way I had envisioned.

  “We’ll keep you overnight for observation, and if there’s no problems overnight, we’ll release you to go home in the morning.”

  “This is great news,” Marshall says. “Is there anything that we need to be concerned about?”

  Doctor Adams laughs. “If she was sassy before her accident, she’ll probably return to being sassy again.”

  I just stare at Ava. I can’t take my eyes off of hers. Is she worth the wait? Hell, yes, she is. She’s my girl, and I love her. I’ve loved her for as long as I can remember. I wonder how long she’ll want to wait before we tell the others. I’m ready now. How will Drew take the news? Will he feel bad for his brother Xander? I can’t think about that. This is my life and I’m ready to live it, with Ava. Marriage and children. Is she ready for that? God knows that I am.

  As soon as the doctor leaves, I continue to remain at a distance. I’m following Ava’s lead. Whatever she’s comfortable with, I’ll go along with. Ava looks over at me and smiles.

  “What in the hell is going on?” Skylar demands.

  I pull my eyes from Ava’s and look at Skylar. “What? Ava got her memory back. Did you miss that news, Skylar?”

  She points her index finger at me and moves it side to side. “No, you don’t. I know that look. Spill it, Murphy. You two are hiding something.”

  I laugh and pretend Skylar’s imagining things. I try to avoid Ava, but I can’t. She’s sitting up in the hospital bed with a smile on her gorgeous face. Her eyes are no longer clouded; she’s able to see things more clearly.

  “I have something to tell everyone,” she says, not taking her eyes from mine.

  I walk over to her as she reaches her hand out for mine. I eagerly accept it.

  “I knew it. Murphy, congratulations, you finally told her.”

  “No, Skylar. You have it all wrong.” Ava squeezes my hand. I don’t look, but I can feel all eyes are on us. “When my memory returned, my mind was flooded with Chase. All those years of emotions I kept to myself finally surfaced.”

  “Wait a minute? What are you trying to say?” Skylar asks.

  “I’ve been in love with Chase for as long as I can remember. I didn’t want any more time to be wasted, so I told him how I felt the first chance I got.”

  “Chase, you’re in love with our daughter?” Marshall asks.

  “I am. I’ve been in love with her since before her to marriage to Connor..”

  “Well, that explains a lot,” Claire says, smiling her approval.

  “I suppose it does,” Marshall says.

  I bend down to kiss Ava.

  Later that night, everyone leaves the hospital to go home while I stay with Ava. I’m still not sure whether this is a dream or not. I scoot the reclining chair as close to her as I can.

  After a few moments of silence, I finally get the nerve up to ask Ava about Connor. She hasn’t spoken about him or what her life was like with him. I need to know what he did to her.

  “I don’t know how to bring this up.”

  “You want to talk about Connor?”

  “No, Ava, I don’t want to, but I have to know what he did to you.”

  “Why, it won’t change anything?”

  How do I explain this to her? Because hearing it is my punishment for not protecting her. Because I need to know what the bastard did to her. Because I never want to be anything like him. “I can’t explain it.”

  “Can we agree this is the only time we’ll have this conversation?”

  “We can.”

  Ava

  I think Chase wants to torture himself for not being there for me during my marriage. But if he wants to talk about Connor, then we’ll talk about Connor. I’ll share a few details I think he can handle, and I’ll keep the more horrific ones to myself. If he doesn’t believe me, I’ll swear on my life that I told him everything. I can do that with a straight face and make it believable. It’s from years of hiding my feelings for Chase from Connor. My life doesn’t need to become his nightmares.

  “Connor and I fought very early on in our marriage.” I don’t tell him it started with, “I do.” I add, “I remember he cut all ties with you and Skylar because he was jealous of the friendship we had.”

  “Is that what you fought about?”

  “Not always. I pretended it didn’t bother me. I got very good at hiding my sadness at the loss of my best friends.”

  Chase gives me his undivided attention. “Then what angered him the most?”

  “The house was never clean enough. My makeup was smudged. His food was cold.
”

  I look him in the eye so he doesn’t have a reason not to believe me. The truth is Connor was always in a rage. I don’t recall a time in two years that I wasn’t marked up somewhere on my body from his abuse. If he knew we were going out to dinner, he would kick me in the ribs, or push me against a wall. If we didn’t have plans with his clients from work, then he would hit me in the face.

  “You’re saying he would hit you if his meal wasn’t hot enough?”

  “Connor didn’t start hitting me until later in our marriage. He would throw things and break them, then he’d make me clean the mess up.”

  The truth is, the beatings started the day after our wedding day. Connor hit me so hard that I lost consciousness. It was his way of letting me know he was serious about me not seeing Chase and Skylar. He said he would kill them if I ever spoke to them, and I believed him. Cutting off all ties with them was easy. I would do anything to protect them.

  Chase looks sad. “How did you lose your front teeth?”

  I swipe my tongue over the dental implants. This is a tough one. I don’t dare tell him Connor pushed me down a flight of stairs.

  “We were actually in a car accident when that happened. Believe it or not, this had nothing to do with abuse. It was a true accident.”

  When I lost my front teeth, it was also the same day I broke my right wrist. Connor had a doctor on call that he paid to come to the house to treat me after the beatings. The dentist, however, we saw after closing hours in his office. I remember thinking to myself that they’ll help me, that doctors had sworn an oath to report child abuse and domestic violence, that it was a law that they had to report their suspicions of such things. I was hopeful they would call and report the abuse and I would finally be free. Connor would go to jail, and I would finally be rid of him and the nightmare that had become my life. Sadly, they never helped me and they never called and reported any abuse.

  I think the worst part of it was that Connor would get sexually aroused from hurting me. The worse my injuries were, the more turned on he was. Before he would help me or allowed me to clean myself up, he would rape me in the same spot I lay. I remember vividly lying there with my hand in an unnatural position and blood gushing from my mouth. The more I cried, moaned, or fought, the more excited he got.