The Good Heart

by Helena Halme

  ‘Look, Kaisa,’ Ravi looked around him to make sure their conversation remained private. He put his hand on Kaisa’s arm and said, ‘I’ve missed you.’

  ‘Oh, Ravi,’ Kaisa said. She didn’t want to lead him on, but didn’t know what to say.

  At that moment she saw from the corner of her eye the door to the pub open and a man walk in. Afterwards, Kaisa was sure she’d felt his presence even before she’d turned to face him.

  ‘Peter,’ she said. Ravi still had his hand on Kaisa’s arm, and suddenly she realised that anyone seeing the two of them like that would think they were a couple. She quickly pulled her hand away and moved towards Peter, who stood glued to the spot near the door of the pub. When Kaisa got to him, she saw his eyes were dark and serious. She wanted to explain to him that there was nothing going on between her and Ravi; that she kept thinking about the exciting, thrilling and completely mad lovemaking in the car in Plymouth; and that she couldn’t forget about him. Instead, she said, ‘What are you doing here?’

  Peter brushed past her to the bar. ‘It’s a free country, isn’t it?’

  He was now standing next to Ravi, who, taken aback at hearing the name, stepped away from Peter, and glanced questioningly at Kaisa. She just shrugged her shoulders and stood next to Peter.

  When he’d got his drink, Kaisa said, ‘Shall we go and sit down?’

  Peter took a long pull out of his pint, and nodded. He gave Ravi a long look, turned away and walked to a table at the other side of the bar. ‘Sorry,’ Kaisa mouthed to Ravi as she followed Peter.

  ‘So, you’ve moved on, then?’ Peter said as soon as he’d sat down.

  His voice was loud, and Kaisa could see he was angry. His tone of voice took her by surprise. She couldn’t believe it. What right did he have to lecture her on moving on! She remembered the party in the summer, when they’d only been apart for a few months. He had kissed Kaisa, then immediately told the girl he’d come to the party with that the kiss hadn’t meant anything. And when they’d gone out for a meal in Covent Garden a few months later, at the end of a wonderful evening, which had made Kaisa believe they were going to be reconciled, he’d told her that he wanted a divorce. True enough, after Plymouth, he seemed to want to get back together again, but by then Kaisa had known it wouldn’t work.

  Kaisa tried to suppress her anger. She took a deep breath in and sat down opposite Peter.

  ‘It’s not what you think.’

  ‘Really?’ Peter said.

  ‘Not that it has anything to do with you.’ Kaisa said, looking squarely at him. She was trying to keep her voice level, but she could hear her own words faltering.

  Peter stared at Kaisa. He lowered his eyes to his pint, took a swig and said, ‘No, I didn’t say it was.’

  They were quiet for a moment, not looking at each other. Kaisa could feel the eyes of Ravi and his friend, and a few other regulars in the pub, as well as the bar staff, burning holes in her back.

  ‘So, how come you are here?’ Kaisa asked, trying to find out if he’d come in search of her, or if it was another of those crazy coincidences that littered their lives.

  Peter, who had been drinking his pint in large gulps, put down his empty glass. Finally, he met her eyes. ‘You want another one?’ he asked and got up.

  Kaisa sighed, ‘Please.’

  He was doing what he did best, buying time and not talking. But Kaisa had got wise to his tactics and would get the reason for his visit out of him. She would have to be firm and brave. But when she glanced over her shoulder, checking that Peter hadn’t gone to challenge Ravi, she was shocked to see that was exactly what he was doing. The two men were talking close to one another, seemingly in a civilised manner. When Peter returned to the table, Kaisa gazed at him, trying to gauge what he’d said to her ex-boyfriend. At that moment Rose walked in.

  ‘Hello, darling,’ she exclaimed and came to kiss Kaisa on the cheek. Directing her head towards Ravi, and lifting her eyebrows at Kaisa and Peter, whom she’d never met, Rose said, ‘Everything alright?’

  Kaisa spoke first, ‘Rose, this is Peter, my …’ she hesitated and looked from Peter’s face to Rose’s. But Rose came to her rescue. She stretched her hand towards Peter and said, ‘How lovely to meet you at last. I’ve heard so much about you.’

  ‘I bet,’ Peter said drily.

  Rose gave a short laugh, ‘Well, I should let you talk.’

  ‘Rose,’ Kaisa began again, only to be interrupted by Peter. ‘Can I get you a drink, Rose?’

  ‘That’s very kind of you, Peter.’ Rose smiled and said she’d love a gin and tonic.

  When Peter had gone back to the bar, Rose sat down next to Kaisa.‘Look, if you want to spend the evening talking things over, we can reschedule.’

  Kaisa looked at Rose’s kind face. She was so overwhelmed by the situation that she could hardly speak. ‘Thank you,’ was all she managed to say.

  ‘Just take a breath, darling.’ Rose put her hand on Kaisa’s arm and glanced at the bar, which had now filled up, forcing Peter to queue. ‘Just listen to him, see what he has to say; find out why he’s here to see you. Which is why he must be here, right? But don’t promise anything. You have the world at your feet now, girl, so be strong and only do what you want to do. OK?’ Rose was looking into Kaisa’s eyes, and Kaisa nodded. ‘OK,’ she said.

  When Peter came back Rose had managed to lighten the mood by telling Kaisa a story about a talking pig that the Daily Mail had carried as their headline that day. ‘A slow news day!’ She got up and said, ‘Thanks for the drink, but I’m afraid I’m here to meet someone else.’

  When Rose had gone, Peter said, ‘Was that the Rose?’

  ‘Yes,’ Kaisa replied. ‘She’s been a very good friend to me, well more than a friend. She found the ad in the paper for this BBC job, and she helped me get the job at the café when Adam’s Apple folded, and she wrote a letter of recommendation to the School of Journalism.’ Kaisa saw Peter’s eyebrows lift at the mention of the café and the journalism course. She realised he knew nothing of her life now. Suddenly she remembered the letter, still unposted, in her handbag. She’d thought it best to leave Peter to get on with his life, she now reminded herself.

  Peter lifted his eyes to Kaisa, ‘Yeah, I went to your old offices today, after Notting Hill.’

  ‘You went to Colville Terrace?’ Kaisa interrupted him. She was astonished that he’d tried so hard to find her.

  ‘Yeah,’ Peter wasn’t looking at her. ‘Anyway there was just some caretaker at Adam’s Apple, a young guy.’

  ‘Jack?’ Kaisa said, puzzled. What would the delivery guy be doing in the empty magazine offices?

  ‘Yeah, I think that was his name. He was clearing out the place. Anyway, he knew you, and said there were a couple of pubs you used to go to nearby, so I took my chance and I found you here.’ Peter paused for a moment, then added, ‘With your boyfriend.’

  ‘He’s not my boyfriend.’

  Peter gazed at Kaisa with his dark eyes. ‘You sure about that?’ He shifted in his seat so that he could look over to the bar past Kaisa. ‘For a not-boyfriend, he seems to be keeping a very close eye on you.’

  Kaisa turned around and saw Ravi looking at them. He lifted his pint at Kaisa and smiled. Kaisa smiled back, and nodded in what she hoped was a reassuring gesture. ‘We used to see each other,’ she said and faced Peter again. ‘But we were never an item as such.’

  ‘Not an item as such,’ Peter repeated Kaisa’s words. ‘You’ve become very English,’ he said, again with a kind of dry sarcasm.

  Anger surged inside Kaisa and she snorted. ‘And you can talk! What about the girl at the warehouse party? The one you told I was your ex, and didn’t mean anything?’

  Peter leaned back in his chair and said, ‘That’s over.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘That was over before it began. And it had just started when I saw you, so she was the one who didn’t mean anything.’

  ‘But you said …’ Kaisa was loo
king at her hands, trying to make sense of what Peter was telling her.

  Peter bent over towards Kaisa and said, ‘Look, it’s really difficult to talk here with all these people.’

  ‘I know.’ Kaisa laughed. ‘I suppose this is my local, sort of, so they all know me. Just like in Portsmouth.’

  Peter laughed too, ‘Yeah, I know.’ He shifted in his seat, ‘But we could go and have something to eat?’

  Kaisa looked up at Peter. His eyes were kind now, and she could see he really did want to sort out their situation. Since starting her job, Kaisa had felt her life shifting, and settling into place, as if something at last was going right. One unsolved matter was Peter. Kaisa knew she needed to move on, so that she could concentrate on her career, and to do that she needed to sort out everything with Peter, once and for all.

  ‘OK.’ Kaisa emptied her glass of wine and got up. ‘I’m just going to say goodbye.’ She left Peter at the table and went over to tell Rose and Ravi, who were now standing next to each other talking at the bar, that she was going to have something to eat with Peter. She nodded to Ravi, whose eyes were still like deep, dark wells, and hugged Rose. ‘Take care and remember what I said,’ she whispered in Kaisa’s ear.

  Outside, Peter hailed a taxi and told the driver to take them to Covent Garden. ‘You don’t mind if we go to the same place as before, do you?’

  ‘No,’ Kaisa said. It felt luxurious to just step inside a black cab and be driven straight to one’s destination, instead of walking into the dirty tube station. She watched the darkening city flash past as the driver ducked and dived through small streets that Kaisa didn’t recognise. She’d sometimes seen Rose expertly hail a cab, and had on occasion accompanied her, but Kaisa couldn’t afford to take them on her own. She always used buses and the tube to get around London. Or more often than not, if it wasn’t raining, she’d walk. Perhaps now that she was on a much higher salary she could afford a cab or two, but then again, not if she was going to rent a place of her own. She’d been to see an agent, a thin young man in a shiny grey suit, and was surprised at the high cost of renting a one-bedroom flat. ‘You’d be better off buying one,’ the estate agent had said. He’d told her that she could get a 100 per cent mortgage on a flat. ‘Think about it, if you have a steady income, it’s worth buying now, mark my words,’ he’d said and grinned.

  Thirty-Six

  Peter was quiet in the taxi, but Kaisa could feel his presence intensely. Their thighs were just touching, and she could feel the tension in his leg muscles through the thin fabric of her dress. He’d been watching the streets flash past on the other side of the cab, but now he turned towards her. ‘Look, I’ve missed you.’

  Kaisa was taken aback by Peter’s words. It seemed absurd that those same words had been uttered just a few moments before by Ravi. Was she wearing some kind of perfume that attracted men like the rats in that children’s tale? Kaisa held her breath when she saw Peter lean towards her, bringing his lips close to hers.

  She put her hand on Peter’s chest and said, ‘Look, we need to talk.’ She wasn’t going to fall into that same trap of sexual attraction with him again.

  ‘Oh, right.’ Peter said, and giving her a searching look, he turned towards the window again. They sat through the rest of the journey in silence, and when they arrived at St Martin’s Lane, Peter paid the driver.

  ‘You still want to have dinner with me?’ he asked when they were both standing on the pavement outside the Café des Amis. While they’d been in the cab, the sky above London had darkened, and the lights from the passing cars and the neon signs of the restaurant gave Covent Garden a more sinister feel. Against this backdrop, Peter no longer looked so assured.

  ‘We need to talk properly, don’t you think?’ Kaisa said. She felt like the grown-up, and for the first time in their relationship sensed that she had some control over the situation with Peter.

  The restaurant was almost empty; it was Monday night after all. They were shown to a table by the window and ordered their food and wine. Kaisa could tell Peter was a little drunk by now and smiled to herself when he ordered a bottle of water, and then drank a glassful before even touching his wine. He was taking this meeting seriously and wanted to stay clear-headed. For some strange reason, even though she’d had three glasses of wine, Kaisa felt stone cold sober.

  Again, she remembered her unsent letter and said, ‘Thank you for your letter. And congratulations on becoming an uncle.’

  Peter’s face lit up, ‘Yeah, thanks, I saw them over Christmas, they’re beautiful babies. Both have a mop of black hair, and the baby boy, Oliver, he’s got a pair of strong lungs on him! Cries a lot. The baby girl is beautiful.’

  ‘Oliver and Beth are lovely names.’

  ‘Yes,’ Peter leaned closer to Kaisa and took her hands into his. ‘Look, can we start this evening again?’

  ‘Sure,’ Kaisa smiled. ‘Start by telling me why you wanted to see me?’

  Peter sighed and said he’d been worried about her. Not getting a letter in reply to the one he’d sent (again Kaisa felt a pang of guilt over the unsent envelope in her handbag) had made him wonder if she was OK. He said he’d tried to call the house a couple of times, but he’d just been told Kaisa wasn’t there. The man at the other end had offered no explanation, refusing to say if Kaisa even lived in the bedsit anymore. Peter had still gone over to the house, but no one had come to the door when he rang the bell.

  That bastard landlady’s boyfriend can’t even be bothered to answer the door anymore, Kaisa thought.

  ‘So, the pub was the final place where I thought I might find you.’

  ‘I’m sorry, I should have replied to your letter.’ Kaisa said.

  ‘That’s OK, we’re here now and you’re OK, which I’m glad to see.’ Peter told Kaisa that he was now working up in Northwood. ‘I’ll be up here for a year at least.’

  ‘Where’s that?’ Kaisa asked.

  ‘Oh, North London, quite a way up. There’s a train,’ Peter said. He looked at his watch.

  ‘Are you working tomorrow?’ Kaisa said, looking at her watch herself. It was only just past 8 pm.

  Peter shook his head.

  They were both quiet for a moment, and then their food arrived. Kaisa wasn’t at all hungry, but she forced herself to pick at the fish that she’d ordered. Peter attacked his steak with his usual enthusiasm; Kaisa smiled when she remembered his constant hunger. Hunger for food, and hunger for her.

  While he ate, Kaisa told Peter about her new job, how she’d enjoyed her journalism course, and how she’d had to drop out in order to work for the BBC. She told him about Bush House, and how still, after two weeks, she couldn’t quite believe she worked there when she walked through the magnificent pillars flanking the entrance and looked at the oddly spelled name.

  ‘Well, I’m very glad for you. I knew you’d make it,’ Peter said between mouthfuls. When he’d finished he put down his knife and fork and said, ‘And making it obviously suits you. You look gorgeous.’ Peter’s face was intense, and his dark eyes made Kaisa’s spine tingle. She looked down at her uneaten plateful of food and felt her cheeks redden.

  For the rest of the meal they talked about their mutual friends. Kaisa told Peter about Sirkka and her mother in Helsinki, and about her sister’s new more serious relationship. Peter told Kaisa about Stef and Tom, how they, too, had had a second baby. And that Pammy was pregnant again. Kaisa felt a quick pang of guilt; she’d not written to her friend since she’d had a ‘Thank you’ letter back for the pink bear she’d sent. She thought about the letter concerning Peter and Jackie that she’d received in Helsinki. Kaisa now wondered if there’d been any truth in it.

  ‘There’s a lot of it about,’ Peter laughed, ‘must be the water in Helensburgh.’

  The mention of that place made them both grow serious and quiet for a while.

  ‘Look, Kaisa,’ Peter began, and at the same time Kaisa said, ‘What do you want?’

  ‘I want to see you again.�
�

  Kaisa gazed at Peter. He’d stretched his hands out and knitted his fingers with hers. ‘Let’s start again; let’s go out a few times and see how it goes?’

  ‘But, Peter, you’re still in the Navy, and one day, in one, or two, or three years’ time, you’ll be sent back to that awful place.’ Kaisa sighed and squeezed Peter’s hands, ‘And I cannot be a Navy wife, who follows you everywhere you are posted. My life is here in London now. You know that.’

  ‘Yes, I do, but haven’t we always made it work, somehow?’

  Kaisa laughed, ‘Not really!’

  Peter also laughed, and Kaisa wanted to touch the small creases that the laughter formed around his eyes.

  ‘No, I know what you mean. But don’t we deserve to give each other one last chance?’ He squeezed Kaisa’s hands. ‘Just one more?’

  Kaisa looked at Peter. She knew she loved him, but could she afford to take the risk of hurting him again?

  ‘I’m afraid.’

  Peter leaned closer to her, ‘So am I. But let’s not think! Let’s just start dating. As if the past hadn’t happened and we’d just met each other?’ Peter’s eyes were playful now, and the pressure of his hands had increased.

  Kaisa was thinking hard. ‘What if I hurt you again?’ she said.

  ‘I’m a big boy, I can take it,’ Peter said and he leaned over the table to kiss her. Kaisa’s heart filled with such emotion, such love, gentle and passionate at the same time, that she knew he was right.

  But she forced herself to pull away from him, and looked deeply into his eyes. ‘Are you sure you’ve forgiven me?’

  Peter put his palm on her cheek and replied, ‘My darling, there is nothing to forgive. We have no past, remember? We’ve just met!’ He smiled and lowered his voice. ‘I want to make love to you for the first time.’

  Kaisa returned his smile. It was impossible! This man was impossible! But she knew in her heart that Peter was right.