The Big Book of Girl Stuff

by Bart King

  DO: Make sure the child eats his dinner and goes to bed.

  DON’T: Eat his dinner and go to bed.

  DO: Let the kids play in the sandbox.

  DON’T: Let the kids play in the quicksand box.

  More Tricks

  One of the best ways to keep the kids from going nuts is to have some good tricks up your sleeve. The following tricks and activities in this chapter will work with any person, kids included. We have listed them from the easiest to the most challenging. If the kid you’re babysitting is really young, all of these will be a little too advanced. (But this would be a boring chapter if all we had were tips on baby-talk and snuggling!)

  The best trick a babysitter can bring is patience and a smile.

  Kung Fu Grip

  Try this trick yourself once, to see how simple it is.

  Ask Junior to clench his hands together so that his fingers are all interlocking. Have him squeeze tightly for about 20 seconds in a good kung fu grip. Then, while his hands are still gripping each other, have him stick his forefingers (the ones closest to the thumbs) straight out so that they don’t touch.

  Quickly wave your hands over his hands and say a magic word, such as “googly-moogly.” The fingers will “magically” start moving toward each other! (They would have even if you hadn’t said the magic word, but still.)

  Belly Button Question

  If you push your belly button, will your legs fall off? [3]

  You will need: Belly buttons, some pets in the house.

  Ask Junior to show you his belly button. Once you’ve established that he has one, tell him that all people have them. (As you know, before a person is born, an umbilical cord leads into this spot and gives the baby all of its food and oxygen.)

  Ask Junior how many total belly buttons there are in the house. We’re not sure how smart your kid will be, but the correct answer will be however many mammals there are in the house. Almost all mammals have belly buttons, including any humans, dogs, cats, guinea pigs, mice, ferrets, or wooly mammoths that are around.

  Note: Anything born in an egg won’t have a belly button, so don’t count fish, frogs, insects, reptiles, or the strange neighbor kid who’s hanging out in your family room.

  Why Is Baby Talk Baby Talk?

  The first sounds out of a little baby’s mouth (besides crying) are usually long vowel sounds that are easy to make, “Aaaa!” being the most frequent, followed by “Ooooo!” Some of the easiest consonants to put in front of these vowels are G, M, D, and P. Put it all together and you get Googoo, Mama, Dada, and lots and lots of Poopoo!

  The Impossible Tippy-Toes

  Challenge your challenging child to flex his tootsies!

  You will need: Any person, an open door.

  Kids love hearing a challenge like “I bet you can’t [insert challenge here].”

  Start your kid off with some easy challenges. Try, “I bet you can’t wink!” or “I bet you can’t inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide!” Once the little troll has met these challenges, try this one:

  “I bet you can’t stand on your tippy-toes!” Naturally, the child will be able to do it. Then say, “No, that’s the easy way to do it. Try it like this.”

  Open up a door and have the child stand up against the outside edge of the door, so that his feet are on either side and his nose and stomach touch the door.

  Now, without using his hands, have him try to stand on tip-toe! He won’t be able to because it’s impossible. (Try it yourself!) But that won’t stop him from trying.

  Easy Candy Trick

  Kids love candy! Use this to your advantage.

  You will need: Candy, a rug that’s more than a few feet across (not wall-to-wall carpeting).

  Put a piece of candy in the middle of a good-sized rug. (Unlike a carpet, a rug isn’t wall-to-wall.) Tell the kids that if they can pick up the candy without their feet touching the rug, they can have it. The important thing is that the first thing to touch the candy must be one of their hands.

  Let them brainstorm on that for a while. If you feel nice, let them use tools to reach out to it, even though these won’t be that useful for this challenge. (The easiest solution is just to roll or push the rug up until you are close enough to pick up the candy. Be sure to give them hints as they try to figure it out so they don’t give up and so they can earn the candy.)

  Mysterious Crayons

  Don’t let crayons color your opinion of this trick!

  You will need: Some crayons. Duh!

  Get from 4 to 20 crayons and spread them out on a table. Tell Junior that you will magically be able to identify a crayon that he picks without looking.

  Turn your back on Junior and put your hands behind your back. Tell him to take a “mystery” crayon and to put it in one of your hands. Then have him come around to where you can see him in front.

  While he’s coming around, take the hand that’s not holding the crayon and scratch the crayon slightly with your fingernail. When Junior comes around, look him in the eyes and tell him you’re going to read his mind!

  Place the hand not holding the crayon on Junior’s shoulder or head as you begin “reading” him. At some point, glance at your fingernail to see what color crayon you scratched. Make a big deal out of getting a “color signal” from him, and amaze him with the correct answer!

  Free Tip! The wrong time for horseplay and games is right after a baby or young kid has eaten (unless you really want your clothes covered with Gerber baby barf) or right before bedtime (unless you want them to be too hyper to go to bed).

  What to Do if a Baby Won’t Stop Crying!

  Step 1: Secure the Area! Make sure there is nothing painful or uncomfortable afflicting the poor child. Is he stepping on a Lego? Remove the Lego. Are his diapers dirty? Good luck with that! Is he lying on a sledgehammer? What the heck is a sledgehammer doing in his crib?

  Step 2: TLC! The little sweetie might just need some tender loving care and attention. Pick her up and give her some. In case there is any gas in her system, you might want to put her in burping position. Make sure to get a towel or cloth over your shoulder, so that when baby burps she doesn’t ruin your evening gown.

  Step 3: Is He Hungry? Offer him a bottle. Not just any bottle, but one of his baby bottles with a rubber nipple at the end. (And make sure there’s some formula in it, too.)

  Step 4: Bored or Tired? Assuming that her teeth aren’t coming in and there’s no diaper rash, our best guess now is that she is either bored (play with her) or really tired and grumpy (quietly soothe her with lullabies or maybe a loofah).

  Step 5: Last Resort! If Junior is really getting hysterical and nothing you can do is working, you might want to consider giving his folks a ring on their cell phone. They might have an idea for you.

  Babysitting Emergencies

  A good babysitter keeps cool in the face of emergencies. Here are some things that might happen to you, and some solutions to keep the situation under control.

  Junior Freaks Out When His Parents Leave

  It’s a conniption fit!

  Do you remember how on the first day of kindergarten some kids would completely spazz out as their moms dropped them off for school? Wow. (Maybe you were one of those kids!)

  A little kid can really hit the wall when his trusted parents leave him with a total stranger. If this happens (or before it can happen), you need to imagine being the kindergarten teacher who is trying to calm down a child and make him feel welcome and safe. One advantage you have over a teacher is you can ask the child to show you his room. “Wow! Are all these toys yours? Which one is your favorite? I like this one.” Try to engage him by giving him attention; read a book together, go outside to play, or ask for a home tour. Steer the conversation away from his parents. Anything to distract him—even tickling can work! If all else fails, you can try this amazing Jumping Stuffed Animal trick.

  The Jumping Stuffed Animal

  If you have rhythm, this one will amaze younger kids.

&
nbsp; You will need: Some coordination, a small stuffed animal (or any light object that isn’t bouncy), and something you can sit or stand behind, like a table or sofa, for example.

  This trick is easy, but you’ll want to practice it a few times before doing it for Junior.

  1. Sit at a table. (Your audience will be on the other side of it.) Take a small stuffed animal (or any small, non-bouncy item) and hold it out to your shoulder height. Have the toes of one of your feet raised up.

  2. Say something like “Hey, watch this! Your tiger can jump!” Then bring your hand down below the edge of the table, as if you were throwing it on the floor.

  3. The next steps happen quickly. As you’re bringing your hand down below the table’s edge, turn your wrist so that the animal is facing up. Tap your toe down, to make a noise, as if the animal hit the floor. And then, with a flick of your wrist (not your arm!) toss the animal straight up. You should practice at home beforehand to get your timing down on this, so it looks right.

  4. As the animal “bounces” upwards, look at it, amazed! Junior will have fun trying to figure out how you did it.

  Teresa Crane: Now before I go, do you have any questions for me?

  Adrian Monk: Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions.

  What does [a 2-year-old] eat?

  Teresa Crane: He . . . eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only in smaller portions.

  Adrian Monk: Oh. So he’s like a person.

  —From Monk

  Junior Is Making Too Much Noise or a Big Mess

  Fun contests to stop you from losing your mind!

  For some reason, little kids are REALLY good at making a lot of noise and a lot of messes. Since their parents probably don’t want them to do too much of either one of these things, here’s a way to deal with that problem.

  You will need: The ability to get kids excited about a game. Optional: Silly prizes at the end for all those who enter the contests.

  Contest 1. If the kids are really screaming and spazzing out, tell them it’s time for a Very Important Contest. Tell them that wise women invented this contest many years ago to see who the best child in a village was. It’s called the Silent Contest. The contestants must sit at a table and see who can be quiet for the longest amount of time.

  Get everyone seated and then officially start the time. Don’t expect the kids to stay quiet for too long—these contests tend to turn into giggle fests! But anything is better than screaming.

  Contest 2. Sheesh, there are toys everywhere! The easiest way to get them picked up is to have a See Who Can Pick Up the Most Toys Contest. As before, you may want to give the kids some background about how in the olden days, the Child Who Could Pick Up the Most Toys was destined to be a great leader. Plus, the kid who wins gets candy! (Make sure you have candy before saying this.)

  If you can “sell” this contest to them, any mess the kids have made can be cleaned up in no time. (It’s amazing how fast kids can move when they want to!) Singing a song while you do it will help. “Clean up, clean up, everyone do their share. Clean up, clean up, the babysitter’s very unfair.”

  Contest 3. Believe it or not, there may be times when the kids you’re in charge of are really shy and quiet. Maybe they’re naturally quiet and shy. Or maybe they’re afraid of you! Anyway, you’re worried that this visit will be boring for them and you.

  To pump these kids up and get some energy in the house, put on some music. Then say, “I want any bad kids in this room to be really quiet.” At this, the kids should start screaming and going nuts (okay, or at least start talking). If not, it’s time for a Dance Contest. Anyone can be a judge for a Dance Contest. There might be categories for Slickest Moves, Coolest Outfit, or Most Likely to Hurt Himself When Dancing.

  Those Kids Are Just SO Cute!

  Kids are so goofy and funny, and they don’t even realize it! Here are some of the cutest things that the kids you babysit might do.

  1. Playing hide-and-seek, you find your three-year-old in the middle of the room with her eyes covered, “hiding” from you. She figures that if she can’t see you, then you can’t see her! How precious is that?

  2. You ask your two-year-old if she has a sister. She says, “Yes.” Then you ask her if her sister has a sister. She looks at you like you’re nuts and shakes her head. Cute!

  3. You tell Junior that you will give him five shiny dimes for his dollar bill. He thinks he’s getting a good deal, and trades with you. Darling!

  Those Kids Are Not Cute at All!

  Two of the least cute things Junior can do:

  1. Get his head stuck in the railings.

  2. Clog the toilet.

  If he has either of the above two accidents, be sure to consult the “Emergencies” chapter of The Big Book of Boy Stuff. You really should have a copy of that book around in case of trouble. The great thing about it is that you can give it to Junior to read after he gets his head out of the railings. (As a matter of fact, it might be the only thing that keeps him from crying!)

  Junior Got Stuck Playing with Super Glue

  Why do kids do things like this?

  You will need: Nail polish remover or hot water.

  At least once in a kid’s life, he will goof around with Super Glue, and get stuck to something . . . like himself. And for whatever reason, he will do it on your watch.

  The solution is pretty simple. If there is any nail polish remover around, soak some tissues or cotton balls in it and wedge them between the kid and whatever he is glued to. The acetone in the nail polish quickly dissolves the glue.

  If you don’t have any nail polish remover, soak the stuck parts in hot water. (Note: Don’t do this if he stuck his lips, eyes, or nostrils together.) This is much slower than using nail polish, but it’s better than listening to him yell. (Note: If he stuck his lips together, the bright side is he won’t be yelling!)

  Junior Is Bored

  Here are a couple fun tricks to keep your kids entertained.

  Magic Bucket

  Round and round it goes, but it doesn’t get you wet.

  You will need: A rubber bucket, some water. Optional: a long rope, gloves.

  Do this one outside and at a safe distance from the kids. Fill the bucket halfway up with water. Grab it by the handle and start swinging it around your body. Once you have it going pretty fast, start swinging it at more of an angle so that it goes over your head.

  If you are swinging it fast enough, no water will come out. That’s because the force of the swinging pushes the water toward the bottom of the bucket. (This is called centrifugal force.)

  If you want, you can tie some rope to the handle so that the bucket can swing farther, making the whole scene more dramatic.

  WARNING! Do not ever “kick the bucket”! This is instantly fatal, and results in death, too.

  Upside Down Wa-Wa

  It doesn’t seem like this would work. It does!

  You will need: A cardboard square (between 3 and 5 inches), a full glass of water.

  Do this trick over the sink, just in case. Slip the piece of cardboard over the glass of water. Hold it in place and flip the glass upside down. Let go of the cardboard. Ta-dah! It stays put! Don’t tell the kids you’re babysitting that it’s just air pressure holding it there—say it’s magic.

  What to Do If You Really Don’t Want to Babysit Those Kids

  Okay, you babysat for a certain family once or twice, and it was a pretty bad experience. Let’s be honest: Those kids are brats! If you really feel this way, you shouldn’t work for the family anymore. It gets tricky, though, because they are going to keep asking for you because you are so great. What to do?

  Sure, if you have the guts you can just tell the parents that you might not be the best person for their kids. The problem is that they will know what this means. Saying, “Your kids are brats!” doesn’t sound like such a good idea. (Honesty may not be the best policy here.)

  We think this is a good problem to get your parents’ help with. If that famil
y calls, have your own family excuse, like “Tonight is family night” or “I need to study tonight” or something. Brainstorm with your mom and dad. They may have some great ideas. After you say “no” one or two times, the family will get the idea and find another babysitter.

  * * *

  [2] This selection from The Ancient Book of Babysitting Wisdom is reprinted with permission of the publisher.

  [3] Okay, just checking to see if you’re awake.

  Girl Power

  “Have the courage and the daring to think that you can make a difference. That’s what being young is all about.”

  —Ruby Dee

  The United States has slightly more women than men. Yes! And compared to the men, a higher percentage of those women vote. Yes, yes! So, since the United States is a democracy and elects most of its politicians, about half of its politicians must be women, right? WRONG!

  In the United States, there are 100 senators. Yet we’ve never had more than 14 female senators at any one time. There are 50 governors. But there have never been more than 6 female governors at any one time. There are 435 U.S. representatives. But there have never been more than 69 female representatives. So what’s going on?

  It gets worse. The odds that a boy will grow up to be the President of the United States are about 10 million-to-1. But the odds for a girl to become president are much lower than that. As of the time this book was written, the highest office in the United States a woman has held is Secretary of State. Two women have gotten that job (Madeleine Albright and Condoleezza Rice). Still, why do women always have to be secretaries?