The Big Book of Girl Stuff

by Bart King

  But perhaps the worst food idea we’ve ever heard comes from Mark Nuckols, the man who invented Hufu. Hufu is sort of like tofu (bean curd) except it is designed to look and taste like, uh, human. Mark came up with the idea of Hufu so that cannibals could enjoy their favorite meat without getting thrown in jail. (He based the flavor of Hufu on cannibal descriptions of what it should taste like.) The Hufu motto: It’s the healthy human flesh alternative.

  Hairballs

  Watch your cat cleaning itself. See how it licks its fur carefully? The fur goes into the cat’s mouth and gets swallowed. Fur (and hair) cannot be digested, and sometimes it accumulates in the cat’s stomach. If enough hair gathers there, it may get to the point where the cat hacks up a hairball on the carpet. Blech!

  *Missouri’s unofficial nickname is “the Puke State.”

  More disgusting than this are human hairballs. And not just from the clumps that come from cleaning hairbrushes. You see, girls sometimes chew on their own hair. The hair accumulates in their stomachs, and there it is: a hairball. Human hairballs are called bezoars. (You may have read about them in Harry Potter, you just didn’t know that’s what they were. )

  Sometimes a bezoar will stay in a girl’s stomach for years and then come out. There’s two ways it can come out (and we don’t think we have to spell that out for you). Here’s the nasty part: Because the bezoar has been soaking in stomach acid for a long time, when it finally shows up, the hairball can be rock-hard. As a matter of fact, people used to think that bezoars were rocks. Since large rocks don’t normally come out of flesh-and-blood girls, bezoars were believed to be magical. They were supposed to be able to cure poisoning and even baldness!

  In other hair news, an Indian man named B.Y. Tyagi has the longest EAR hair in the world. His ear hair is four inches long . . . and growing! And a man named Frank Ames has eyebrow hair over three inches long, setting the first world record in that category. (His parents must be very proud.)

  Nicknames, Handwriting, Words, and Doodles

  “A wife should no more take her husband’s name than he should hers. My name is my identity and must not be lost.”

  —Lucy Stone

  Even if you gamble away everything you own playing Candyland, you will always have your name! That is, unless you gamble your name away too...but then you would be a nameless soul, wandering about without purpose. But with your name you have a purpose: to be yourself!

  Names are very important to us. Even the quietest kid will correct the teacher if her name is mispronounced during roll on the first day of school. Odds are that your name has a rich history and a cool meaning. For example, Olivia is a pretty popular name. Who would have guessed that Olivia is the Latin word for “olive”? Amazing! Or how about Samantha? This is an ancient name from the Middle East that means “good listener.” Cool!

  *When someone tests a new pen, the odds are almost 100 percent that she will write her name with it.

  Try looking up your name to learn about it. Also, since your parents picked your name, you should find out why they picked the name they did. Ask them! They may pretend they don’t know the information you want, or they might even pretend not to know you. Be persistent!

  You: Why did you pick my first name?

  Your dad: I don’t remember.

  You: I see. Can you give me an example of something else you can’t remember?

  Your dad: Uh . . . what?

  You: Did you like the sound of my name?

  Your dad: Yes. Your name rhymes with platypus, and that has always been one of our favorite animals.

  Other good questions to ask:

  What were the discussions about your name like? Were there arguments?

  What were some other possibilities for your name? (These are always interesting!)

  What would your name have been if you were a boy instead of a girl?

  *A Native American tribe called the Kree names their babies after the first animal the parents see once the child is born.

  The Top Ten Most Popular Girl Names

  Just like clothes, names go in and out of fashion. What is popular one year isn’t popular the next. But there is one girl’s name that has been popular for nine years in a row! Emily was the number one girl’s name from 1996 to 2004.

  How many girls do you know with the following names? Here is the most recent list of the top girl’s names in the U.S., from number one to number ten:

  Emily

  Emma

  Madison

  Olivia

  Hannah

  Abigail

  Isabella

  Ashley

  Samantha

  Elizabeth

  Here are the top ten girl’s names from back in 1990:

  Jessica

  Ashley

  Brittany

  Amanda

  Samantha

  Sarah

  Stephanie

  Jennifer

  Elizabeth

  Lauren

  You want boys, too? Okay, here is the most recent list of the top ten boy’s names:

  Jacob

  Michael

  Joshua

  Matthew

  Ethan

  Andrew

  Daniel

  Anthony

  Christopher

  Joseph

  *There are thousands of girls in the United States named Lexus. What about Porsche?

  The Worst Girl Names

  After doing a wide survey, we have concluded that these are the worst girl’s names:

  Bimberly

  Brunhilda

  Chinchilla

  Crayola

  Fern

  Hortense

  Latrina

  Michelina

  Mossie

  Pepsi

  Prunella

  Rotunda

  Salmonella

  Tamale

  Velveeta

  Yeti

  Zona

  No Bad Names Allowed

  “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose

  By any other name would smell as sweet.”

  —William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

  There was once a fuzzy little fruit from New Zealand that nobody ever ate. It was called the Chinese gooseberry. It was so unpopular that someone decided to change the fruit’s name to kiwifruit. How cute! Sales of the kiwifruit went through the roof, even though the fruit still tasted the same. It was the name that made the difference. (The same thing happened to Hen’s Turd Apples. As soon as they were called Orange Pippin Apples, sales improved. Go figure!)

  Denmark has the strictest “name laws” of any country in the world. The Danes restrict parents from giving kids any name considered “unusual.” This is to prevent kids from getting teased about their names. There are 4,000 approved girl names that parents can choose from. (The boys list only has 3,000!) Babies sometimes remain nameless for months while the parents try to persuade the government to allow a name not on the approved list. Banned names include Pluto, Monkey, and Anus. (Well, that makes sense!) Legal names include Jiminico, Fee, and Molli. The name Tessa is not allowed in Denmark, because tessa means “to pee” in Danish.

  Celebrity Fake Names

  “I arrived in Hollywood without having my nose fixed, my teeth capped, or my name changed. That is very gratifying to me.”

  —Barbra Streisand

  People will do almost anything to become famous. Often, one of the first things they do is change their name. Name your favorite actress or music star and the odds are that he or she was born as somebody else, especially if their name sounds too cool to be real. (For example, Vin Diesel was originally Bob Snider.) Maybe their name just changed a little bit, like with Reese Witherspoon. She was born Laura Jean Reese Witherspoon, so she just subtracted a little!

  But lots of male music stars go through big name changes. Snoop Doggy Dogg was born Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Busta Rhymes was Trevor Smith, and Elton John was Reginald Kenneth Dwight. How about O’Shea Jackson, better k
nown as Ice Cube? But our favorite name change is from an artist known as Ginuwine. His original name was Elgin Lumpkin. That’s right: Elgin Lumpkin!

  You can make up fake celebrity names by imagining what would happen if celebrities got married and combined their names. If the actress Bea Arthur married the musician named Sting, she’d be Bea Sting! What if Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh? He’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

  Your Celebrity Name

  Since celebrities change their names around to make them sound better, here’s one way to figure out a new movie star name for you. Take the name of the first dog you’ve ever owned. If you’ve never owned a dog, take the name of the first pet your family has ever owned. (Or one that your parents owned, or the name of a favorite neighbor’s pet. Be creative!)

  Now get the name of the first street you ever lived on. If that street is just a number, like 157th Avenue, go with any street NAME that you have lived on or that is near you.

  You now have your movie star name! For example, let’s say your first pet was a cat named Sheba, and the first street you lived on was York Street. Your movie star name is Sheba York!

  This is a lot of fun to do with your friends. You may get a name that sounds like a rich kid (Willow Huntington), an organic Native American (Lima Cherokee), or a strange fairy tale character (Thumbelina Crispin).

  Your Letters

  The greatest invention of all time is language. Once written language was invented, girls could write down their thoughts and feelings. Thousands of years later, people can read what these girls thought and know more about them. This makes written language like a time machine!

  And all you need for this time machine are the letters of the alphabet. Our alphabet is usually called the Roman alphabet, and it’s been around for thousands of years. It is the most commonly used writing system in the world. We are [CLAP-CLAP] Number One!

  The Romans thought that each letter of their alphabet had important values, so the letters in a child’s name were carefully selected because some of the letters were good and some were bad. The letters that were picked to be the initials for a name were doubly important because they could affect a kid’s future personality.

  Alphabet Discrimination! There are many different alphabets in the world, but Campbell’s Alphabet Soup only comes in the Roman alphabet. This is outrageous! We have a dream that someday, Alphabet Soup will be available in Hebrew, Greek, Arabic, and Hindi alphabets. Maybe we’ll leave the Cambodian alphabet out, though. It has 74 letters, and we’re not that hungry!

  For fun, write out your full name (first, middle, and last) and see how you score in the old Roman system of letter values. Put a face score over the letters of your name as you read the score of the letter, and double-score your initials. If you end up with a good score, you rule! (But if you get a bad score, take it easy . . . We’re pretty sure it doesn’t mean anything!)

  Letter What it Means Score

  A A is a first-class letter! The Greeks called it alpha, and it is associated with excellence and beginnings. The use of “A” as the top grade on report cards has been around for over a hundred years in the United States. (The letter “a” can also make a lot of different sounds, like in this sentence: Was Alicia’s pa all pale?)

  B B is a good letter, but it’s always going to be second-best. People with a lot of “Bs” in their name are good at compromising and being team players. Try pinching your nose closed and saying “My mom married my dad.” (It’ll sound like “By bom buried by dad.”)

  C C is consistent, but not that great. Heck, it’s only average! One thing it has going for it is that it can make more sounds than any other letter in the alphabet. Say Circus cheese from the ocean out loud and you’ll see what we mean.

  D The Romans thought D was the letter of lazy people! It shows low energy and lack of motivation. Sorry!

  E E is the most commonly used letter in writing. It also stands for optimism and looking at the positive side of things.

  F F is the only letter used in report card grades that stands for something. “Failure!” Rats. Back in Roman days, people thought that “F” stood for violence too.

  G G is a letter of energy and activity. Some might say “hyperactivity”! For people who like to move and travel, this is a.

  H If you want to succeed in life, H is the letter for you. It shows ambition and the desire to get ahead.

  I There is a reason why the word “I” stands for one’s own self. It’s because I is the most selfish of the letters! Although people who are self-centered may like it, the rest of us say!

  J The letter J is an indicator of a good memory and a healthy outlook on life. It also shows a person who is fair-minded.

  K Money, money, money! The letter K has symbolized cash for a long time. (In slang, “K” refers to a thousand dollars.) Although money can be good, it also reflects greed and being too caught up in possessions.

  L For girls who like sports or challenging mind games, this is a great letter. L is the letter of being coordinated, both physically and mentally. Keeping your balance is important!

  M This is a tough letter. On the one hand, the M shows a person who appreciates beauty, but on the other hand, that person may be too hung up on appearances. The “M” is a little too shallow, judging a book by its cover.

  N N shows a lack of confidence or self-esteem. This letter needs to buck up and believe in itself!

  O O what a great letter this is! It is also a very feminine letter. It shows deep emotion and feeling, and a strong sensitivity to other people. Girls with a lot of “Os” in their names make great friends, sisters, and mothers.

  P The P person is the one who goes along with the crowd. It’s the letter that doesn’t like to speak up or take risks.

  Q Q is a good letter for learners and teachers, and any one else who wants to get educated and then pass her knowledge along. (It is also a moody letter, but let’s not get hung up on details!)

  R R U ready for one of the greatest of all letters? “R” is a letter that reflects wisdom, good judgment, and a desire to learn.

  S S can do a lot of things: Listen to its different sounds: his, hiss, sure. Sheesh! Anyway, the top half of “S” is the opposite of the bottom part, so it contains its own opposite, sort of like an alphabetical yin/yang symbol. “S” was thought of as the letter of complexity and goodness.

  T Even though T is the second-most used letter in writing, being popular doesn’t make it good. “T” is a letter that can’t be counted on. It’s inconsistent and flaky.

  U U are number 1! Well, maybe not number 1, but “U” is certainly up there. It is a great letter for a girl, as it is a letter of protection and caring. When picking a babysitter, parents should always go with the girl who has a lot of “Us” in her name!

  V We don’t know if you are a spiritual person, but if you have a V for an initial, you might be. The “V” shows great instincts and an ability to see what others don’t. Don’t worry, though, it’s not psycho, it’s psychic.

  W W is dependable, but maybe a bit boring.

  X Ever wonder why X is the letter of the unknown in math class? It’s because this is the most mysterious letter of all. It is also associated with women, because back when you were inside your mother, something called an “XX sex chromosome” decided that you’d be a girl!

  Y Some girls don’t need to be the center of attention. Why? We don’t know! But the letter Y is for girls who don’t mind being quiet, thoughtful, and a good friend to others.

  Z Maybe because the letter Z doesn’t get used a lot, it shows an appreciation for the weird, strange, and out-of-the-ordinary.

  A to Zed! Even though we pronounce “z” as “zee” in the United States, it is pronounced “zed” in Britain and most Commonwealth countries.

  So, how did your name score?

  Nicknames

  Everyone has to be given a nickname at one point in her life. It’s practically a law! Maybe you’re a kid who got stuck with a really bad
nickname like “Poo-Poo Head” or “Pony Girl.” How embarrassing! But still, it’s usually better to have a nickname than not. Somehow, nicknames make us seem more colorful and fun.

  *About a thousand years ago, the king of Denmark was nicknamed Eric the Memorable. Today, nobody remembers why.

  Here are a few ways that you can come up with nicknames everyone will remember.

  To make up a nickname, pick a first name from the official state symbols below. For your last name, pick from the list of cool place names below the states! (All place names are actual countries or cities.)

  State Symbols

  Apple (flower, Arkansas)

  Azalea (wildflower, Georgia)

  Blossom (flower, Florida)

  Bluestem (grass, Illinois)

  Boomer (reptile, Oklahoma)

  Brook (fish, New York)

  Calico (cat, Maryland)

  Camellia (flower, Alabama)

  Chanterelle (fungus, Oregon)

  Coral (gem, West Virginia)

  Cypress (tree, Louisiana)

  Emerald (gem, North Carolina)

  Dakota (Sioux word for “friend”)

  Galena (mineral, Missouri)

  Holly (tree, Delaware)

  Hope (motto, Rhode Island)

  Iris (flower, Tennessee)

  Jade (gem, Wyoming)

  Jalapeño (pepper, Texas)

  Kool-Aid (drink, Nebraska)

  Kukui [pronounced koo-koo-ee] (tree, Hawaii)