The Big Book of Girl Stuff

by Bart King

  If you ever want to really spike your hair up, use the punk rock recipe: Egg whites! Crack a bunch of eggs, separate the yolks from the whites, and start working the egg whites into your hair. What a mess! But it will dry and stiffen into beautiful spikes.

  Curling Iron Justice! In Shreveport, Louisiana, a man entered a beauty college to rob it. The store’s manager yelled, “Get that sucker!” as the man tried to leave. He was arrested after the students and teachers attacked him with curling irons.

  Maybe now you’re ready to do some braiding! The “rule of thumb” to do this is that your hair be long enough to fall past your shoulders. And it’s easier and more fun to braid your friend’s hair and then have her braid yours.

  We’re sure you’ve done this before, but . . . all you have to do is get your hair into a ponytail and then put a tie around it. Separate the hair into three parts. Then start braiding by bringing the right part over the center part. Then bring the left part over the new center. Keep doing that! Tie it off at the end with elastic.

  Hey, besides braids, do you already use one of these hairstyles?

  These are all styles that can pull on your hair for long periods of time. Believe it or not, over time, this can all lead to some form of baldness. If there is too much tension on your hair, you will start noticing broken strands. From there, your hair may start getting shorter and thinner. The scientific term for this is traction alopecia. What it means is that the hair falls out and doesn’t come back. (So be sure to give your hair a rest from these styles sometimes.)

  Nurses, people from India, and African Americans are most likely to get this condition. The same thing can happen when tight curlers are being used. Hot combing, chemical straighteners, and “hair relaxing” have also been found to sometimes cause thin hair.

  *About 20 percent of women will experience some hair loss in their lives. Men suffer from a 50 percent baldness rate.

  To take care of your hair, avoid using harsh chemicals on it. Be sure to eat some protein during the day (since that’s what your hair is made of), use gentle shampoos, and don’t brush too much. A pick or comb with wide teeth does the least amount of damage to hair.

  Haircuts and Coloring

  “Read lots of books so you don’t end up with a $75 haircut sitting on a $10 brain.”

  —Rose Leaf

  No matter how much you love your hairstyle now, in 10 years you will look at pictures of yourself and be embarrassed. It’s the law of fashion. Then 10 years after that, you pictures will look good again! Anyway, you’ve probably had your hair cut in a salon. The average cost for a “salon” haircut is around $20 to $30. If the salon has more than 13 chairs, it will run you closer to $50. Big-shot hairdressers in New York can charge as much as $800 for a haircut! Let’s see, assuming that the haircut takes 80 minutes that would be $10 a minute . . . Heck, just to have the hairdresser look at your hair for a second would cost a dollar!

  Think of the Money They Save! There is a tribe of people who live on Madagascar named the Tsimihety. Their name translates to “the people who don’t cut their hair.”

  If your haircutter is someone you trust, and she wants to try something a little different with your hair, that’s okay. But be stern with your haircutter if she just wants to do “her thing” with your hair. If you do ever get a bad haircut, the last thing you want to hear is “Don’t worry, it’ll grow out.” You want it to look better now!

  Natural Auburn Highlights

  “Auburn” is a brownish-red color that looks good in almost everyone’s hair!

  You Will Need: Henna powder (henna is a plant with leaves that are perfect for skin and hair dyes).

  Put 1/4 cup of henna in a plastic cup and bring it in the shower with you. Get your hair wet, and then divert some hot water into the cup of henna. Mix it around in with your finger. Once it’s well mixed, pour it on your head.

  Work the henna around in your hair and then go about your usual shower routine, keeping your head away from the water. When you’re ready to condition and/or shampoo, just wash out the henna and do your regular thing. You will have lovely auburn highlights when you get out of the shower.

  Natural Blonde Highlights

  How to get natural highlights that aren’t naturally yours!

  You Will Need: A lemon, some salt, a sunny day.

  If you want to keep it organic, here’s the way to highlight your hair. Squeeze a lemon into a bowl until all the juice is gone. Add a teaspoon of salt and stir it up.

  Then lean your head over a sink and work the concoction into your hair. Rub it in well; then go outside. Let your hair sit in full sunlight for a couple of hours. Then go back inside, rinse your hair with some water, and dry it. Ta-dah!

  Celtic Fashion! You’d probably rather not style your hair the way the ancient Celts of Europe did. They soaked their hair with a mixture of water and crushed chalk, which made the hairs stick up in pale, stiff clumps. The hair spikes were so stiff that you could impale an apple on one!

  Body Hair

  Not all women shave. As a matter of fact, the whole idea of shaving body hair is a very recent development. Most cultures haven’t worried much about hair on a girl’s body. And in the United States, women never showed their armpits or bare legs in public, so some hair in the armpits or on the legs was no big deal.

  *There are even places in Asia where a slight mustache on a woman was seen as attractive!

  So why the change? Fashion. Blouses without sleeves became popular in 1915, and dresses that showed a woman’s leg soon followed. How shocking! The old rule of “If you don’t show it, don’t worry about it” had to be changed. And then nylons came out, and they are uncomfortable to wear with hairy legs. Razor companies saw their chance to advertise to women for the first time, and nothing’s been the same since.

  These days, some girls shave because they’ve seen their mothers shave and it seems “adult.” Girls with light skin and dark body hair might shave because body hair can be seen more easily on them. Many black girls (and of course, many women of all races) don’t shave at all.

  *Thirty percent of men between the ages of 18 to 34 shave their chests.

  Good Shaving Tips

  Check with your mom before shaving. Once you start shaving, you can stop anytime, but you probably won’t!

  Bathing beforehand will prepare your skin and soften the hairs. And use shaving cream!

  Don’t push the razor down hard. Razors are razor-sharp, and they don’t need much pressure to work!

  Try to shave without turning the razor sideways. (Nothing is worse than getting a nick in the underarm or on your ankle!)

  Don’t use a dull razor!

  Be careful!

  There are other ways to deal with unwanted hair. For instance, electrolysis involves electrocuting the root of a hair to kill it. (It hurts.) Laser hair removal is a more recent version of the same idea. It costs about $1,200 for a full treatment. (It hurts, too.) A famous hair removal technique is the hot wax treatment. The idea of this is to pour hot lava—we mean, hot wax—onto an area where hair is not wanted. The wax then cools, and is then pulled off, sort of like a big Band-Aid. Wax on, wax off! Does it hurt? Of course it hurts!

  * * *

  [9] If we count your hair and nails as one category (they’re both made with keratin), the other nonliving parts of your body are your cartilage, tendons, and the solid part of your bones.

  Humor

  “I’m not funny. What I am is brave.”

  —Lucille Ball

  As a girl becomes a teenager, she might act less goofy and silly. This could be because she’s more mature OR because she is more self-conscious. It takes some courage to be funny, and a self-conscious girl could be afraid to crack a joke. So remember that the one thing all people in the world share is laughter. Whether you’re in Timbuktu or English class, laughter means something is funny. Don’t be afraid of it!

  It’s very healthy to laugh. Scientific research shows that although laughter isn’
t “the best medicine,” it’s still pretty good for you. Unless you have a bad skin rash, and then laughing actually doesn’t help very much. But at least the laughter will put you in a better mood!

  Scientists love to research humor and try to figure out what makes us laugh. In one study, they watched people in shopping centers and carefully took notes. They found that fewer than one laugh out of five was because of a joke or funny story. Most of the laughter happened when people said “hello” or “good-bye” to each other! (That must mean it’s really good to see your friends . . . and to get away from them!)

  Another study tried to find out what happens with our brains when we laugh. The research showed that when something funny happens, your brain has to go through all of its memories to compare what you just saw to everything else you have ever seen. Then the brain makes comparisons and tries to solve the problem of whether what it saw was funny. Then the emotions have to kick in and help create laughter.

  And that all happens in a microsecond. So humor is great exercise for your brain!

  *Next time you’re having fortune cookies with your friends, add two words to the end of your fortunes: with [the name of the boy that girl likes]. So a fortune like You will have good luck becomes You will have good luck with Timmy. And Trust your intuition becomes Trust your intuition with Timmy. There will be laughter. (See how to make fortune cupcakes.) [10]

  Obviously, different people laugh at different things. Little kids like very simple types of humor, which is called “slapstick” humor. Slapstick revolves around people falling down, telling poo-poo jokes, or making weird faces. It turns out that boys and men also prefer this same sort of humor. Surprise!

  Girls, and especially women, prefer humor that comes from memories, personal information, relationships, and stories. In short, women like complicated humor. Why? Because they’re smart!

  The Most Ticklish Spot on Your Body! Scottish scientists have figured out the most ticklish spot on the body. It doesn’t matter if a person is right- or left-footed, a small area in the middle of the right foot is the most ticklish spot for most people. BTW, right-handed people are more ticklish than left-handed people. (This really is true!)

  Think about the last slumber party you attended. You probably took part in what the French call fou rire [pronounced foo-rear]. This means “insane laughter.” In the United States we call them “giggle attacks.” Sometimes two girls can just look at each other and start laughing. (There’s something about seeing a good friend laugh that makes you want to laugh too.) This can lead to trouble if you’re in a library or a classroom!

  In the early 1960s, there was an epidemic of uncontrollable laughter in east Africa. It started with some schoolgirls getting hysterical, and their laughter was so out-of-control, schools had to be closed down to prevent the “laughing disease” from spreading. Nobody knows for sure what caused it, but it may have been started by a really good knock-knock joke.

  As we said before, many women remember their “girlhood” as a time when they were embarrassed about who they were. They felt awkward or self-conscious or confused. But humor can really help with those feelings; it puts things in perspective! Humor is also good for your social life: Girls who laugh a lot also talk more and make more eye contact than others. These girls also tend to be more relaxed and less stressed than really serious people.

  *Looking for a funny gesture? Try the fingernail buff. This is where a girl rubs her fingernails against the clothing of her shirt, as if to polish them. It’s a good thing to do when you’re doing some “pretend bragging.” For example, “Hey, I got my science test back today . . . C+!” and then a fingernail buff.

  Here are a few jokes and funny stories. They are arranged from the easiest-to-understand to the most incredibly complex jokes of all time. You may have to read them over and over for weeks before you see the humor hidden in them. Good luck!

  Jokes and Funny Stories

  The only knock-knock joke you need to know.

  Knock-knock.

  Who’s there?

  Panther.

  Panther who?

  Panther no panth, I’m going thwimming.

  Girl: Mom! There’s an invisible woman at the door who wants to talk to you!

  Mom: Tell her I can’t see her now.

  Q. How is a duck like a pickle?

  A. Neither one can ride a bike.

  Q. What are twin babies called before they are born?

  A. Womb-mates.

  Q. What did the female seagull say to her buddy when she flew off?

  A. You go, gullfriend.

  Q. How many boys does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

  A. Who knows? It hasn’t ever happened.

  Nurse: How is the little girl that swallowed ten nickels and five dimes doing?

  Doctor: No change yet.

  A true story that is funny in a horrible way!

  In Broward County, Florida, a school district failed 6,559 public middle-school students due to a computer error. Try explaining that one to your folks!

  Q. What do you call a polite, funny, sensitive, good-looking boy?

  A. A rumor.

  One hot summer’s day, a woman took her daughter to a clothing store.

  “Can I get a swimsuit for my daughter?” she asked a salesperson.

  “No,” the salesperson said. “We don’t do trades.”

  Historians believe that this may be the world’s oldest joke:

  The ancient Greeks believed that their gods were immortal: That means that they never died. They were eternal.

  A Greek girl was praying to Zeus, the king of the gods. She was trying to understand his eternal nature.

  “Zeus,” she asked, “what’s a million years to you?”

  “A million years is like a second to me,” Zeus explained.

  “And a million dollars?”

  “A million dollars is like a penny to me,” Zeus replied.

  The girl felt daring, and she asked, “Zeus, would you give me one of your pennies?”

  “Sure,” Zeus replied. “Just a second.”

  A ventriloquist who used a puppet was doing his act in Los Angeles. The show was going well until the man had his dummy do a “dumb blonde” joke.

  Suddenly, a woman with blonde hair stood up in the audience. She pointed at the man and said loudly, “That isn’t funny! What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her intelligence?

  The ventriloquist realized she was right. He started to apologize, but the blonde woman interrupted him.

  “You stay out of this, mister. I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

  A girl was walking home from school, when she saw a cute brown dog tied up in a front yard. The dog had a sign around his neck that read “Take me home: $10.”

  The girl stopped and looked at the dog. It was watching her and wagging its tail. “I wonder if you’re friendly?” the girl asked aloud.

  “You bet I am!” said the dog.

  The girl was amazed. “You can talk?” she exclaimed.

  “Yes,” the dog said. “I can actually speak TWO languages because I was born in Germany. English is my second language. I trained as a Seeing Eye Dog AND a special police dog over there. I also used to do some mountain rescue work.”

  Since she had $10 and knew this was a great opportunity, the girl knocked on the door of the house. A woman answered the door.

  “I’d like to buy your dog,” she said. “But before I do, I have to ask, why is he so cheap?”

  The woman looked at the dog and shook her head. She leaned toward the little girl and whispered. “That dog is such a liar. He hasn’t done half the things he says he has.”

  A little girl named Katya (who always wore skirts) went to school for the first day of kindergarten. A little boy named Timmy asked her to climb on the jungle gym, so Katya did.

  When she went home, Katya told her mother about her day. When she got to the part about the jungle gym, her mom said, “Don’t d
o that. He might just be trying to look at your underwear.” Why this was such a big deal, Katya didn’t understand, but she didn’t say anything.

  The next day, Timmy asked Katya to climb the jungle gym again, and she did. When she got home, Katya told her mom about her day, including the jungle gym.

  Katya’s mom was angry. “What did I say, young lady? How do you know he wasn’t just trying to look at your underwear?”

  Katya said, “But I tricked him, Mommy. Today I didn’t wear any underwear!”

  “I’m not offended by ‘dumb blonde’ jokes because I know I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde.”

  —Dolly Parton

  Some of the jokes in this section were in bad taste, and to offset them, please read this story. It teaches us about the beautiful things that can happen if we just pay attention to little children. They are our most precious gift.

  A five-year old girl named Maria noticed that a construction crew had started work on the vacant lot next door to her house. Maria watched the men talking and moving their heavy equipment around with great interest.

  The next day, Maria asked her mom if she could go over and get a closer look at the construction. Her mom was reluctant; not only was it possibly dangerous, but she knew that construction workers sometimes cursed. Maria really wanted to go though, so the mom allowed it.

  It turned out that the workers had hearts of gold. They showed her around the site, and because she seemed so interested and willing to help, they gave her a hard hat and let her do some little jobs. She also got to listen to their conversations.