The Big Book of Girl Stuff

by Bart King

  It’s amazing and it’s true! Chairs and sofas will also injure hundreds of thousands of people this year. Vacuum cleaners will claim over 10,000 victims (which is a good reason to avoid them) and pens and pencils will get even more of us. But worst of all, many girls will be injured by their own clothing. Yep, we can expect over 100,000 victims of bloodthirsty blouses, pugnacious pajamas, and homicidal halter tops this coming year.

  But how is this possible? Well, the truth is that almost anything can be dangerous. You just have to be careful! But we do have some good news for you: 84 percent of all people hit by lightning are men. So that’s one less thing to worry about.

  Personal Emergencies

  Here are some personal emergencies you might run across and how to deal with them:

  You’re Wearing High Heels and You Have to Walk on a Stairway or Escalator

  Heck, if a pillow can send someone to the hospital, then escalators should be outlawed! Any time you are wearing high heels and have to take the stairs or an escalator, put one hand on the railing! Many, many girls and women have fallen down stairs because they tripped on their high heels.

  You Have to Go to the Bathroom in a Dirty Place

  If it’s your bathroom, CLEAN IT!

  If it’s a really dirty public restroom (and you can’t “hold it”), wash your hands with soap and water when you go in. That way you can feel a little better about touching anything. Once inside the stall, put the toilet seat liner (also called the “toilet halo”) on like usual, and then put toilet paper on top of that if it makes you feel better.

  If the seat is still too horrible to sit on (and your legs are strong enough), straddle the toilet without touching it or just “squat” over it. You may be able to steady yourself with your hands against the walls of the stall, but then you’re still touching something dirty!

  Porta-Potty Tip: Breathe through your mouth. AND DON’T LOOK DOWN. The horror!

  You Have to Go to the Bathroom in the Great Outdoors

  So you’re on a hike or camping and you need “to go.” Pick your spot wisely and try to find a little privacy. Out in the open or on the edge of a cliff are obviously bad spots. You should also be careful not to pee within 200 feet of any water. If you’re on a slope, face downhill or you’ll get your shoes wet. And you should avoid big rocks or shrubs with leaves because these will create more splashes. Sand, soil, dead leaves, pine needles, or grassy areas are all good surfaces to pee on.

  If you’re with someone (and you should be) post a look out! Your friend can wait on the trail and make certain no one heads near your peeing site. If you have a backpack on, you’ll probably want to take it off. (You could leave it on and lean against a tree, though.) If you have on shorts that fit loosely, or are stretchy, it will be a big help. (A skirt is handy too, but not everyone hikes in those.) Now, be calm! If you’re worried about someone seeing you, or if you are in a hurry, you’re going to spatter.

  Once you’re done peeing, you can “drip dry” or wipe, but don’t use moss or poison oak leaves! Sanitary wipes or toilet paper can both be used, but remember to “pack out” anything you use. Don’t leave anything in the wilderness that you brought into it. Seal any paper in a ziplock bag. If you have something to dig with, you can bury used paper at least six inches down in the soil. (Only do this in areas with growing plants.)

  What if other hikers show up while you’re peeing? First of all, it’s not the end of the world. They will probably look quickly away, especially if they’re not morons. But just in case, we recommend this strategy: point in the other direction and yell “bear!”

  You Are Pulling on Jeans (or a Dress) and They Get Stuck Halfway

  There’s always the “ripping and tearing” option, but since you don’t want to ruin the clothing, you need help. In a perfect world, your trusted friend or family member will help you wiggle your way out of it. (This is handy when you’re trying the wrong size on in a store!)

  But what if you’re flying solo? If the floor is clean, you may want to lie down and squirm around to pull it on. Sure, you could try the bed, but then there’s the possibility of falling onto the floor, so if you start on the floor, it’s less dangerous!

  BTW, if your jeans are too tight and you can’t button the top button, you can run a hair tie or hair band through the buttonhole and around the button to keep it together. (Although if they’re that tight, do you really want to wear them?)

  You Lost Something and You Need It Right Now

  There are few things more maddening than losing something in your own house. You know the shirt or keys or backpack is around here somewhere! Luckily for you, your mom has a superpower you may not know about. It’s called Mom Radar.

  Your mother has a nearly magical ability to find things if you give her a chance. Get her Mom Radar working for you. This may involve having to answer some silly questions, like “When did you have it last?” As if you hadn’t thought of that already! (Uh, you did think of that already, right?)

  If your mom’s not around, think of the last place you would look for the missing item. Then look there. That’s where it is!

  You Got Gum in Your Hair or on Your Clothes

  Don’t panic, and especially don’t just start pulling on the gum if it’s in your hair! It will get all tangled up . . . Blech. The key is to get the gum COLD. Gum stiffens up when it gets cold; the colder it is, the harder it gets. If you put ice on any gum stuck to you, it is much easier to get it out.

  If that isn’t a possibility, try working some vegetable oil into the gum. This will soften and dissolve it. (It will also get your hair oily!) No vegetable oil? Try peanut butter. It works pretty well, but stick with creamy, not chunky.

  You Have the Hiccups and They Won’t Stop

  A bad case of hiccups can be pretty embarrassing. What if you met the President of the United States and you got the hiccups!

  The President of the United States: Hello! Good to meet you.

  You: Hic!

  Actually, we bet she would be pretty cool about it.

  There are many remedies for the hiccups, like holding your breath until you turn blue, drinking out of a glass backwards, holding your breath until you turn green, being really frightened by someone, holding your breath until you turn purple, and so on. None of these solutions work reliably.

  The real solution? SUGAR! Sugar has a relaxing effect on the muscles of your throat and chest, and this allows the hiccups to go away. You can suck on a cube of sugar or mix some sugar into a glass of water and then drink it. Delicious sugar has saved many girls from the hiccups!

  Static Electricity Is Driving You Crazy

  Especially if you ever wear a skirt with leggings or tights, the odds are this will eventually happen. Here are two different solutions.

  Take a dryer sheet and rub it against your skirt and/or tights. It works!

  Go to the bathroom and get your hands wet. Then get some liquid soap and rub it between your palms. Put your hands under the water again to rinse off most of the soap; then fling your hands around to get the excess water off them. Finally, run your hands down any parts of your clothes that have static. It will magically disappear!

  Social Emergencies

  Social emergencies happen around other people. Prepare to learn more!

  Dealing with Embarrassment

  Okay, you said something silly or got klutzy and broke a vase. It’s not the end of the world, but you are embarrassed. What’s a good general response?

  Turn Back Time. Be like Hermione and just magically set the clock back to undo your embarrassment!

  Laugh at Yourself. If you can’t laugh at yourself, pretend that you’re laughing at someone else. When you do something stupid, just say, “I am so embarrassed!” The key is to fess up and laugh. (But don’t laugh too hard, or people will think you’re insane.)

  Forget About It. As soon as you can, just get over it. Embarrassing things happen to everyone, even though it feels like these things only happen to you!
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  Remember: Clumsiness Brings People Together! Your most embarrassing moments will make great stories for you to tell in the future. These tales of your own klutziness will inspire others to share their tales with you, and you will bond with new best friends.

  *Blushing is a reflex (you can’t help it!) where all the blood rushes to the small blood vessels in your face. It’s called vasodilation (pronounced vay-so-dye-lay-shun), not that that helps any.

  You’re at a Party and You Don’t Know Anyone

  It can be tough finding yourself alone in a crowd of people. If there is a hostess, she may notice your problem and help you out, but don’t count on it. If you’re not going to pretend to be the hostess yourself, some possible solutions include:

  Going to the bathroom and never coming out.

  If you have a cell phone, try being a cell phony to buy yourself some time.

  Make a friend. Your best bet for a new friend is the person who also seems to be alone. Good conversation starters are “I love your skirt!” (only say this if the person is a girl AND she is wearing a skirt) OR “I love your hair!” (only say this if he or she has hair).

  You Think You See Someone You Know and Wave to Her (or Him!) and It Turns Out to Be a Total Stranger

  This can be killer embarrassing! The key is to bluff your way through it. If the other person is looking at you like you’re nuts, just wave again, smile, and say something like, “How ARE you?” Then keep moving! Don’t stick around; let her wonder where she knows you from!

  Optional Embarrassment: A nice person smiles and waves at you, so you smile and wave back, and then maybe say, “Hello!” The only problem: he’s not talking to you!

  As far as we know, there is no solution to this. You will be embarrassed!

  You Don’t Know How to Dance

  See the “Dance” chapter.

  Your Friend Just Got Dumped by Her Boyfriend

  This often happens at big social events. One of your friends gets dumped by a boy. You can bet that her self-esteem is pretty low, so what can you do to cheer her up?

  First, Rally the Troops! Surround her with her friends and let her know how fabulous she is. Try to avoid questions like “What happened?” and focus on “You’re a great person and we love you.” Check the Compliment Kit in the “Friends” chapter for ideas.

  Later, Do a Dozen Sweet Things! Try to do a number of small, different things for your friend to keep her mind off her problems. What would make her smile through her tears? Put a handmade card in her locker, take her to a comedy, or give her a loofah.

  You Go Out in Public Not Looking Your Best, and You See a Bunch of Cute Guys from School

  Luckily for you, boys are not very observant. Sure, if you stare at them in terror and freeze, they will see you with your greasy hair and mismatched sweats. But if you walk quickly and look away from them or act casual, they probably won’t even see you.

  Newsflash! Even if the boys do see you, they won’t care! Guys never notice new haircuts or stylish outfits anyway, so what makes you think they’ll notice the bad stuff?

  You Tear the Seat of Your Pants While Out in Public

  If you have torn pants in public, wrap a sweatshirt or something around your waist or loosen your backpack straps so it hangs lower than usual. Or find your Nurturing Friend (see the “Friend” chapter) from whom you can hopefully borrow a safety pin, quick iron patch, or new pants. And of course, there’s always a fallback: Your P.E. shorts!

  School Emergencies

  These are not the kind of school emergencies where the fire alarm is going off . . . these are way more important!

  People Are Blocking Your Locker

  Maybe a girl who has a locker near yours always has her friends grouped around her. Or even worse, a couple is making out in front of your locker. They are so wrapped up in each other, they don’t even know you exist!

  Aside from the usual “excuse me” comments, one stink bomb might make all of them go away and stay away. Of course, that’s against school rules, so you might just act like a real spazz and elbow your way into their group. Then say, “Really? Wow, really?” to everything the girls say until they are annoyed and leave.

  As for the kissing couple, just tap the girl on the shoulder and say, “When you’re done, can I try?” That should do the trick.

  It’s Lunchtime and You Have Nowhere to Sit

  This might be the world’s most horrible feeling. Maybe you came to lunch late, or you’re the new kid at school, or you just had a fight with your friends . . . we don’t know! But anyway, there you are in line at the cafeteria, and as you wait to pay for your food, you realize that there is nowhere for you to sit!

  Believe it or not, teachers have the same problem in their staff lunchroom. We suggest you go in there and brainstorm solutions with the teachers. We’re sure they’ll appreciate it!

  You Forgot to Finish the Very Important Assignment That’s Due

  Sounds like it’s time to budget your time better. In the meantime, you need an excuse, pronto! Whatever you do, when your teacher asks for your homework, don’t say, “My dog ate it.” You can be much more creative than that!

  If it’s English or language arts, try: “My dog ate it last night after I put it in her dog dish in the pale moonlight.”

  In science, “I was conducting an experiment with dog food and paper when my dog ate my homework.”

  If it’s P.E., say something like, “After I did my 5-minute warm-up and ran a mile, my dog ate it.”

  Something Happens Unexpectedly

  Once you’ve hit puberty (see the “Girl Secrets” chapter), you should start carrying a couple of pads with you in your purse or backpack, and know how to use them. That way, you can’t be caught entirely by surprise by your period. You could even keep an extra pair or underwear and/or pants at school.

  But let’s say that you do get caught unprepared. Feel free to ask other girls or women to borrow a pad. They will be more than happy to help! (BTW, even mean girls will be helpful in this situation. Sisterhood is powerful!)

  If your period comes near the end of a class, wait until everyone leaves and let a trusted friend or the teacher know about the situation. It’s perfectly okay to tell a teacher, the office secretary, or the school nurse. You might feel embarrassed, but they won’t be. They deal with this situation ALL of the time. If you are worried about a stain showing and don’t have a change of clothes, try tying a shirt or sweater around your waist.

  Hot Tip! If clothing gets stained, don’t soak or wash it in warm or hot water. This will “set” the stain. Use cold water, and if you do so soon enough, the stain will wash out.

  You Have to Get a Ride from Your Teenage Sister

  Yeah, we know you’re probably not old enough to drive. So you’re probably getting rides from your parents or an older sibling. So you should know that females between the ages of 15 to 20 have had a 30 percent increase in fatal crashes over the past few years! It looks like cell phones, makeup, music, friends, and even hot beverages in the car may be distracting young female drivers from watching the road. So help your sister stay focused on her driving, and when you’re driving yourself in the not-so-distant future, be careful and pay attention!

  Pets and Animals

  “I think animal testing should be stopped. They always get all nervous and give the wrong answers.”

  —Rhoda Ponee

  Girls love animals. That’s why most veterinarians in the United States are women! Getting a pet (any pet) can make a girl a better person. Loving and caring for the animal enriches her life, and the responsibility of taking care of a pet makes her more aware of how important all life is. So having a pet is sort of like being a parent, but in some ways, it is even better. As you can see, there are many advantages to having a pet.

  Kids Pets

  Will talk back. Can’t talk back. (Unless it’s a parrot.)

  Want an allowance. Don’t seem to know what money is.

  Poop their pants for the firs
t two years (and for some boys, even longer!) No pants!

  Might try to run away. If that doesn’t work, will eventually move out. Will always be with you.

  Are picky eaters. Eat whatever you drop on the floor.

  Have gas. Have gas.

  Require long and expensive educations. Can be homeschooled.

  If you’re not sure you are up to the responsibility of taking care of an animal, try taking care of a stuffed animal first. If that works out well, babysit someone else’s pet for a few days and see if you enjoy it. Of course, it is also possible to enjoy wild animals (not counting your brother). For example, a bird feeder can bring you hundreds of outdoor birds, as opposed to just one bird sitting alone in a cage.

  If you decide to get a pet, please go to your local animal shelter (or other animal rescue organization) to find one. There are A LOT of animals at your local shelter that already need a home. And you will be saving an animal’s life. About 60 percent of the dogs at your local animal shelter eventually end up being “put to sleep.” This happens because new animals come in all the time, and there just isn’t room for them all. That is, there’s no room unless you help them out.