SANCTUARY OF MINE

by PRATT, S.

  ‘Tough day?’ I ask.

  ‘You betcha. Young’uns these days just don’t have the tricks of the trade like us oldies do. We had the mechanical pulley shut down, which would have delayed us sending materials up to higher floors of the high-rise we’re working on if I hadn’t stepped in and fixed it.’

  ‘Just as well you were there then,’ I offer.

  ‘Damn straight, kiddo.’ He ruffles my hair the way an adult would a small child. I’m guessing he didn’t get the memo about age appropriate shows of affection. Not just me, but I am certain teenagers worldwide would cringe at that one.

  ‘Jim! Dinner!’ My mother’s voice floats to us from the kitchen.

  ‘Catch you later, Jim.’ He looks at me surprised, and raises a discerning eyebrow.

  ‘You’re not joining us?’

  ‘I ate already and have a ton of homework.’ It’s a poor excuse he hears often, but I’m sticking to it.

  ‘Alright, so long as you’ve cleared it with your mother first. You’re all skin and bone as it is. We don’t want you wasting away to nothing now, do we?’

  ‘I guess not.’ My tone encapsulates the sullen teenager perfectly.

  ‘Now, don’t go on looking like that,’ he half laughs. ‘Your mum just cares about you is all.’

  ‘I know. Speaking of, you’d better get in there before she goes crook at you. You know what she’s like when she’s kept waiting for a meal.’

  ‘Yeah, bear with a sore head!’ He roars with laughter, very much pleased with his sense of humour. I smile in spite of myself and excuse myself up to my room. Jim heads off to the kitchen, and once again I am left to my own devices.

  I have to write an assignment for English literature – a short story on something we consider life changing. We were assured it could be very loosely based, but the idea and concepts still had to stem from a personal experience. To be honest, I think anything that springs to my mind is a little confronting for senior year in English. I’m beginning to think I should just make some bullshit up. I mean hey, who’s going to know the difference anyway?

  Gulping down the sugary coffee, my brain and body happily spring back to life a little. My blood sugar spikes and I think a little clearer. Tiredness pulls at me, though. Without much nutrition, my body flounders at this time of day. It’s only seven p.m. but I’m ready to call it a night, leaving homework for another time.

  From my bedside dresser I pull out my little bottle of pills. There are all manner of herbs in there, hidden discreetly beneath my underwear. It’s funny – I know full well what detriment my lack of eating is having on my body and yet I can do nothing to stop it. So instead I take supplements; ones that assist with keeping my hair shiny and my nails strong, among other things. Taking a huge swig of water from the bottle I keep next to my bed, I down the chunky tablets, gagging on the large chalky texture as it scrapes against my already irritated oesophagus.

  When I sneak out to use the bathroom, I can hear the muted tones of mum and Jim chatting. They’re in the lounge room watching a television game show. It’s unusual for me to ever keep them company in the evenings, but sometimes I wish my mum and I were closer. Sometimes I want to go back to our life before the divorce, when I was blissfully unaware that anything was wrong.

  I use the toilet and then clean my teeth, leaving combing my hair to last. Looking in the mirror while I run the brush through my long tresses, I search for signs that my reflection has changed at all. Staring back at myself I try not to hate what I see. It’s hard though, when a parent has wished you had never been born.

  My mind drifts back to the night I first heard those words leave my mother’s lips. Neither of my parents knew I was listening in. They had already told me they were getting a divorce, and since it had all come out in the open, things were getting nasty. I’m sure both believed I was asleep in bed already, but I had snuck out to get a drink of water. Passing their bedroom door, I could hear their voices. Harsh words were being slung back and forth between each other, neither realising just how loud their shouts had become. I sat crouched on the carpet of the hallway, ear pressed to the space under the door. I could hear every single vicious word. And each one was like a dagger to my already fractured heart.

  ‘Well I wish we’d never met!’ My dad’s furious tone was meant to sting, but my mother’s retort was way worse. Not just for him, but for me too.

  ‘Well I wish I’d never had your baby, maybe then I wouldn’t have felt compelled to marry your sorry arse!’ My mother’s words had stung me badly. I know she didn’t really mean what she said, that it was all just coming out in the torrents of anger that she felt over the whole hopelessness of the situation she was in. But still … I never really forgave her for that. Her words were meant to cut my father to the quick, but instead they had a devastating effect on me too. I’m not sure a person can ever really recover from that kind of hurt.

  I slowly rose up off the floor and slunk back to bed. Even from there I could hear the escalated shouts of my dad, declaring that she was the worst kind of mother. Right then I had to agree with him. I mean who says that about their child anyway? I know it wasn’t intended towards me, but still, my logical thirteen year old brain thought that no loving parent would ever say that – angry or not.

  As is always the case with this memory, tears prick my eyes and anger flares from within. Some days I feel it is a real struggle to keep my emotions in check. I finish roughly dragging the brush through my hair before heading back to my room. With the lights off, I snuggle under the doona cuddling the Care Bear my dad bought for me when I was six. The rest of my room looks like any normal soon-to-be sixteen year old’s does – posters of pop bands on the walls, CD player and ornaments that reflect a young girl who is almost a woman. And yet, this one little toy cannot be thrown away.

  Like the bear, I still wish my father were here to hold me whenever I feel sad or upset. I miss him dearly. With his job in the army, it’s always unclear as to when I will get to see him again.

  Knowing the best way to escape my torment is to sleep; I allow my heavy eyelids to close, praying that darkness will bring peace for just a little while.

  Chapter Five

  Tyler

  It’s been a while since Kelly passed, but meal times never get any easier. While I don’t associate food and eating with memories of her, she is clearly absent when the three of us sit down to a meal. She was in ninth grade when her eating disorder started. I’d never known anyone anorexic or bulimic before, neither had my parents. At first they thought she was just losing her puppy fat. Then they assumed she was taking peer pressure a little too far when her collar bones started to stick out. The first day she fainted at school, they realised they had a big problem on their hands.

  Kelly was four years older than me, so I was too young to realise just how serious the disease could actually get. All I knew was that my big sister no longer had the energy to run around and play footy with me anymore. I started to miss her like crazy in our backyard, to the point where I would give up play just so I could go and annoy her in her room. Sometimes she would be short tempered and send me away, making me more confused than ever. There was such a lack of understanding on my part that I couldn’t offer her any sympathy. I just wanted her to snap out of her mood and be the old Kelly I loved – who loved me.

  By the time she had reached her third year of struggling with anorexia she was a shadow of her former self. She looked like a stick insect, all limbs and bone. She had been hospitalised more times than I care to remember and she flat out refused to eat. The confident lovable girl I knew had disappeared, and in her place stood a girl prone to tears and outbursts. We barely recognised her anymore. My mum, in particular, took it pretty hard. Her first born baby girl was losing a battle that had its grips on her and wasn’t letting go.

  And one autumn day it wasn’t a problem anymore. She died. Heart failure took my sister and for a long time I was fucking angry with the world. I wanted to hurt people the way
I was hurting. I wanted to kick and scream at how unfair the world was. I needed to feel anything except the pain of her loss but, in the process, I was becoming another problem child for my parents.

  There was nothing anyone could say to make me understand, to rationalise the unfairness of her loss. All I felt was a void and I wondered if this was how she had felt as she slowly starved herself to death. The dark months that followed Kelly’s funeral were bad for all of us, but there came a day that I knew I had to move on. I had to do something that would help others suffering from the disease. An idea came to me at an odd moment when I would sneak into her room. No one knew I went in there, it was my ‘alone time’ with her memory.

  Sometimes I would just lie for hours on her bed, staring at her ceiling and remembering all the fun times we had. But one day while I was in there, I felt completely debilitated with grief. I cried to the point I just wanted to scream. Suddenly, the sun broke through a blanket of clouds outside and came streaming through her window. I felt a calm come over me as the sun dried my tears. It was the first time since the funeral that I felt completely at peace. I knew then what I had to do.

  With the help of my parents, I set up a foundation. My dad certainly had funds to get me started and he knew it was for a worthy cause. He had a long-time friend of his make us up a charity website called kind2me.org. Mum started hitting up all their associates, friends and family for donations to get the charity off the ground. It was my intention to have as many counsellors as our charity could afford to work full-time for the site. Kind2Me was to provide round the clock on-line counselling services to sufferers of anorexia or bulimia. It was a chance for them to talk to someone who understood what they were going through, offer sound advice, but not judge them. It was an opportunity to offer a range of services and support to those who needed it most. I’m proud to say that in our first year of foundation we managed to generate three hundred and twenty-six thousand dollars in corporate donations alone. We now have four counsellors working for the foundation while mum handles raising donations full-time.

  Kind2Me has given me and my parents a sense of peace. We may have lost Kelly, but in her memory we aim to give others a fighting chance at beating the disease. I look to her seat at the kitchen table and still miss her. While my mum is serving my dinner, she catches me looking where my sister used to sit.

  ‘It still hurts, doesn’t it?’

  ‘Yeah, for some reason I miss her a lot today, mum.’ My dad joins us at the table, quiet in his way as he always is when we talk about Kelly.

  ‘There’s always going to be times when we feel her loss more than others. Is there something bothering you Tyler?’ Concern creases across mum’s forehead. She’s still youthful for her age and I’m comforted that in my eyes she doesn’t seem to age. I’m reluctant to tell them about Mackenzie. Not because I’m embarrassed that I like her, but because I don’t want them to worry about me and my feelings. But like most things, I never keep anything from my parents. These days it’s almost lame for a teenager to disclose every single aspect of their life to their parents, but when you are as close-knit as we are and have endured what we have, things never escape being discussed or talked through.

  ‘Not really bothering me, just … it’s complicated.’

  ‘Sounds like something serious,’ dad offers.

  ‘That’s probably putting it lightly.’

  ‘Well you know you can tell us anything honey.’ Mum’s encouraging look is all that is required for me to spill my guts.

  ‘I like a girl.’

  ‘Well, son, that’s the most natural thing in the world,’ my dad grins.

  ‘I think she may be anorexic. Or bulimic. Or both.’ My mum’s cutlery clangs with force onto the glass table top and my dad’s mouth hangs open.

  ‘Oh,’ he says, uncertain how to proceed.

  ‘Are you dating this girl?’ Mum manages to choke out.

  ‘No, but I want to. I want to get to know her, but I’m not sure if I should.’

  ‘Well I’m sure she’s a very nice girl, but this is something you’ll have to think very seriously about, Tyler. As you know, having this disease brings a lot of baggage with it. When making decisions on who we bring into our life, we always have to consider – do they make your life more enriched from being in it, or do they take something away from it? Only you will know the answer to that question. But remember, if she does have either one of those diseases it’s going to be hard on you to.’

  I nod, understanding what he’s saying. ‘Dad?’

  ‘Yeah?’ He takes a mouthful of steak, appraising me, man to man.

  ‘I think she’d be worth the fight.’

  ‘Then son, I’d say this girl is very lucky to have your interest.’

  Mum’s eyes have watered up. I know she misses Kelly so much but, with equal passion, she relishes in the child she still gets to see grow up to become a man. If there is one thing I’m certain, I will never take that away from her. I will always be a son she can be proud of. I will always give her those milestone moments where she can see her child grow into and live the dreams she had for me when I was just a baby. I’m thankful for the family I have, who support me to the moon and back. But now I need to help someone else. Mackenzie Deeks may not want friends but I’m determined to be hers, whether she likes it or not.

  Chapter Six

  Mackenzie

  Thankfully, for the rest of the week school is relatively pain free. Levi becomes a staple at my side. He’s funny and endearing, despite his own torment. I find myself looking forward to his puppy dog expression, grateful for his company. Lunch times are the same each day for both of us. He fills his tray to the brim while I stick to my apple and milk. We laugh a little.

  Friday sees us both heading to the library for fifth period, so we walk on over to the building block that houses an impressive collection of literature, happy to escape in the world of fiction for the remainder of our lunch break.

  It’s a sunny day, clear skies with a gentle breeze that keeps the temperature down. I draw my cardigan around me, using it almost like a security blanket. Levi talks animatedly to me as we cross the quadrangle on the concrete footpath. He’s telling me about a Game Of Thrones episode he’d seen on the telly last night. One minute he’s walking right next to me, the next he’s flat on his arse. The pained expression on his face tells me he’s hurt, but he’s trying hard not to show it. I whip my head around to find the culprit and come face to face with Marla.

  Goddamn, fucking Marla. God, I wish she’d just drop dead. Her expression is haughty and it’s evident she’s up for a battle. In the corner of the quadrangle, the footy team are occupying a picnic bench while eating their lunch. Already a few nosy parkers are staring in our direction, eager to see what’s going on.

  ‘Oh I’m sorry, Jane. I totally didn’t see your friend there.’ She smirks as she takes in her manicured fingers, evidently bored just by being in our presence.

  ‘It’s Mackenzie,’ I seethe, ‘And you did see him, which is precisely why you tripped him up!’ My blood is boiling. I know there is no way I can kick her arse in a fight, she’s probably got about thirty pounds on me, but I refuse to let her see it as being okay to torment a friend of mine. There, I said it. I, Mackenzie Deeks, have a friend.

  My body language says it all. Jaw clenching, fists closed tight, shoulders forward. The laughs from the footy table are egging me on too. I can tell they are delighting in the lunchtime show, anything to break up the monotony of school life. Chuck and Benson seem to be particularly delighted by our current predicament. Tyler’s there too, but his back is to me. Levi seems to instinctively know that I’m not about to let this go so easily. I feel his hand place gently on my shoulder.

  ‘Come on, Mackenzie. She’s not worth it, let’s just go.’

  ‘No way, Levi. Marla needs to apologise to you first.’ I fold my arms across my chest and jut my jaw out just so, hoping that I intimidate her just a little.

  ‘Are
you serious? Like, I’m really in disbelief right now, Mackenzie. I think it’s your big oaf who needs to apologise to me. Sheesh, this is what I have to put up with just because someone else is a klutz?’ The urge to slap her cheek simmers just below the surface. In fact, I can feel my hand twitching to do it, just to ease the adrenalin that is coursing through my body.

  ‘She’s going to apologise, Levi. We’re not leaving until she does.’

  My focus was so concentrated on Marla that it’s only now that I see Tyler standing behind her. My eyes find his – Pacific blue stares me down and makes my knees weak. Oh hang on, that could be the lack of food, or the excitement for that matter, but I’m pretty certain some of it has to do with the fact that Mr-Hot-Stuff is giving me the once over.

  ‘Not a chance, Jane.’ Marla sniffs, as though bored with our conversation. She’s yet to realise Tyler is standing right behind her.

  ‘Everything alright, Mackenzie?’ I really want to kiss him right now, I really do. I don’t think I could be more grateful if I tried. I’m sure he sees the relief I feel at him having stepped in. Marla freezes, only for a split second before regaining her composure. She spins around to face Tyler.

  ‘Tyler! Hey, what’s up?’ His eyes briefly scan her face before returning to mine.