SANCTUARY OF MINE

by PRATT, S.

  ‘Sorry ma’am, we’re not intruding, we’re friends of the Reddings.’

  ‘Is that so?’

  ‘Yes ma’am. We were hoping to catch Tyler before they left.’

  ‘Well, dear, you’re about five minutes too late. Taxi picked them up just minutes before you showed up. I’m afraid you’ve missed them by the skin of your teeth.’

  ‘You don’t have a forwarding address do you?’ I ask wistfully.

  ‘No, pet, I don’t.’

  ‘Okay, thank you. We’ll be off then.’ Levi bids her goodbye and links arms with me.

  ‘No point dwelling on it, Mackenzie. There’s nothing more you can do.’

  I try not to cry as I slip back into the car. Why does it feel like for every five steps I take forward, I take at least six back? And why, oh why, didn’t I at least get an email address?

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Tyler

  Our drive to the airport seems so final. I really was hoping she would come and say goodbye; let me apologise and clear the air before I leave the country. If I didn’t admit I was bitterly disappointed I would be lying. There’s no use in trying to wish what could have been, all I can hope for now is that she reads my letter. Hopefully when I send her another with my new address on it she will want to write back to me. Maybe, just maybe, she’ll still feel enough towards me to want to wait for me.

  We drop our luggage in with the airline and then pass through the security check point. My dad gets us coffee while mum browses through the gossip magazines at the newsagent. There isn’t much time left before our flight takes off, but I guess I’m kind of hopeful that she may still turn up here.

  I don’t feel at all guilty for the shameless way I tasted her body and made her tremble beneath my touch. Despite her absence since she ran out on me, I can still taste and smell the potency that is Mackenzie. Like a thief, I stole a little part of her that night. The problem I now face is that I’m greedy for more. Sitting in the departure lounge and watching couples wander to their gates makes me long for my girl to be making the trip with me. Instead of feeling happy about an adventure and discovering a new country, all I feel is the stale air of the environment around me. I’m going to have to be careful, because if I don’t get out of the funk I’m in, my miserable attitude is going to bleed out of me and ferment until I no longer have a sense of who I really am.

  No. Instead of thinking that this has to be the end, I’m going to hold out. I believe she could very well be the one. And when you find the one that you feel in your bones you’re meant to be with, you hold on to that feeling like your life depends on it.

  By the time the wheels of our plane are retracting into our aircraft, I’ve made a firm resolve. Absent or not, I’m going to do whatever it takes to win back Mackenzie’s trust and have her in my life. Whether she likes it or not, I’m not going to give up on us.

  PART TWO – LETTERS

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Dear Mackenzie

  12th November 2012

  Did you get my letter? Did you read it? I hope you’ve found it in your heart to forgive me. I wanted to see you so badly before I left, but I guess you didn’t read my note in time – or maybe at all. There is nothing I can offer you from here, except to say that I miss you and think about you all the time. Your smile too, I love your smile. Believe me when I say that I never meant to hurt you. You weren’t something I could fix. I just cared.

  Adjusting to life here in Papua New Guinea is hard. We live in a compound because in certain areas it’s just not safe to go out on your own. I hate it. I bide my time exercising and grabbing a few of the local boys to help me practice. I have no idea when I’ll be coming back, but it certainly won’t be anytime soon. I guess my plans to play Rugby League will have to be shelved for the time being. I have a tutor, although she’s a little stuffy. Don’t worry, she has grey hair and a wart on her nose – not nearly as pretty as you! Finishing out year 12 here was the last thing on my agenda. I guess I’ll just have to get used to it.

  How are you? I hope I didn’t leave things in too much of a mess. I feel horrible I wasn’t honest with you about my sister. I loved her so much and it still hurts to talk about it. If you ever want to ‘talk’ or anything, please write to me. I’d love to hear from you. No pressure.

  Yours

  Tyler

  ****

  Dear Tyler

  21st November 2012

  I’m glad you wrote me a letter with your new address on it – there’s been so much I’ve wanted to say. First of all, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I judged your motives and questioned your kindness. I missed you by minutes on the Sunday you left. Would it make you feel better if I told you I cried? You’re right; I do have an eating disorder – or two. I’m trying to fix myself, little by little. Sometimes the lack of food makes me a little crazy, the mind plays tricks. I question everything and always second guess people’s sincerity. What I didn’t mean to do was question yours. Forgive me?

  I’m sorry about your sister, too. Losing someone you love must have been devastating for you and your parents. I can only imagine being around me must have made it twice as hard on you to forget what happened to her. It must have been a constant source of angst for you to see me abusing my body in such a way. My problems started when my parents divorced. It’s the only way I knew how to cope with how I was feeling. Being thin became addictive. It made me feel good about myself. It made me feel like I looked better this way. Having control over things was nice as well. At least life was predictable. A little while ago, mum and I started going to see a therapist to try and work through some of those feelings and find a way to cope. I’m doing okay, but recognise that this won’t change overnight. I guess the most important step has already been taken – the one where I want things to change.

  I wish you were here. Levi and I miss having a bodyguard at school. Okay, it’s not that bad, but I do miss you too. I can’t believe you won’t be here for your formal. At least Levi and I will both have dates next year. (Each other of course). Your tutor sounds like a real witch with the whole wart thing going on, but I’m sure she’s good at her job. I’m sorry your football career is on hold – I know how much it means to you.

  With the end of year closing in, I’m waiting to see which electives I have been accepted into for year 12 next year. The thought of going to university after finishing high school next year is a little daunting. I think it would feel like starting grade seven all over again.

  I’m running late to meet Levi. I’m taking him clothes shopping – again! That boy is the complete opposite of me. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone comfort-eat as much as him. He’s a wonderful friend to me. After you left, he made a pact with me to start afresh. He’s promising to lose ten pounds by the end of the year, while I’m promising to gain ten. Can you imagine me with boobs? Okay, that was a complete come on, so totally forget I even wrote that.

  I hope you’ll write to me again. And Tyler? For what it’s worth, I really am sorry I just ran out on you. I regret it every day.

  Love

  Mack (Truck)

  ****

  Dear Mackenzie

  09th December 2012

  Hearing from you has been the highlight of my day. I hear your voice as I read the words on the page. It makes me sad that I’m not there to wrap my arms around you at school, or make you feel better when you cry. Please don’t ever cry over me, I’m not worth your tears. Also, there’s absolutely nothing to forgive.

  Now onto the topic of your boobs. I’m most definitely thinking of those right now. Well to be honest, I’m thinking about your amazing mouth and what you did to me in my room … You made me want you so desperately and it took all of my strength to not make love to you that night. Thinking about how every inch of your body tasted so good is the source of much inspiration in this lonely existence. Some days I would even happily take back boring classes at school for the chance to pass you in the halls just once. I’m a sap, I know.

>   Do you have plans for Christmas? I was at the markets with my parents recently and saw something that reminded me of you. It’s wrapped for you to open Christmas day, so no peeking before then, okay?

  Yours

  Tyler (Flattened by said Mack Truck)

  P.S. I’m so pleased to hear that you plan to gain weight – more for me to hold on to when I finally get you in my arms again.

  ****

  Dear Tyler

  19th December 2012

  You sneak! There is no way I can get you a present in the mail before Christmas and now I feel bad that you bought me something! Are you sure I can’t peek even a little?

  You will be pleased to know, I have gained five pounds. I’m kind of happy I don’t feel too different, but Levi tells me I’m glowing – like I’m some freaking pregnant chick. Men!

  School has finished for the year and the sun is blazing hot. The whole of South Sydney seemed to be at the beach today. Entertainment was a group of guys from Maroubra punching on with territorial hotheads from Coogee. Sometimes it feels like life just stands still. It seems like just yesterday I was crashing into you at Bondi beach.

  I’m spending Christmas with my dad, which I’m thrilled about. There have been tears from mum over the fact that I won’t see her Christmas day, but I’m not going to let that spoil my holiday. You’ll never guess where he’s taking me … We’re off to Bali for a whole month of fun! He’s not on a tour at the moment, so we are taking advantage of that and getting out of the country. I think Levi’s a little jealous, but who can blame him? I’m sure his boyfriend will keep him company, though. You heard me – the man has a boyfriend! He’s cute and adorable, but I’m sure you don’t want to hear about all that rot. Aren’t heterosexual males supposed to freak out when they hear shit like that? LOL.

  I hope you have a great Christmas. I will send you a postcard from Bali.

  Love

  Mack (The slightly heavier Truck).

  ****

  Dear Mackenzie

  23rd December 2012

  I’m thrilled you’ve put on weight! Maybe you could send me a pic sometime? I miss you. And that smile …

  I’m sure you won’t get this letter before you leave for Bali, but I wanted it to be waiting for you when you get back.

  Your holiday with your dad sounds awesome – I wish I was going with you. Make sure you have fun and be safe. I’m imagining you with your Christmas present on while you’re there. Under your clothes of course! Our Christmas here will be a little more low-key, but I know mum will still go to the trouble of putting on a spread with all the trimmings. She’s already gone to town with the tree.

  Yours

  Tyler (Eagerly awaiting your postcard!)

  ****

  Dear Tyler

  25th December 2012

  Merry Christmas!

  This is the view from our hotel :)

  I know I will have missed a letter from you while I’m away, but I hope this postcard reaches you in good spirits x

  Love

  Mackenzie (The thong is very cute – pity you’re not here to take it off.)

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Six months later

  Dear Tyler

  11th June 2013

  You will never guess what’s happening! My dad is coming to live in Sydney! Can you believe it? He’s going to be assigned to the Holsworthy Barracks. I’m so lucky that I can finally spend time with him like normal families do. The first weekend after he’s settled in to his new place we’re going to go to the zoo and catch a movie. I know it sounds very childish, but I missed doing a lot of those things with him when I was little because he was away a lot on tours. But, then again, you’d already know that.

  I feel like you know me better than anyone, even Levi. All this time you’ve been gone and we’ve been writing to each other has, in a way, felt like therapy. I’ve kept all the letters you’ve sent. Sometimes when I’m alone in my room I read over them again, just to feel close to you. Do you have any idea when you’ll be back? Am I a tease if I tell you I need to feel your lips on mine again? Because I do – all the time.

  School is pretty much the same. The teachers try to teach and the students studiously ignore them. You were right about Mrs Rosenbaum – she’s the best English teacher ever. I really don’t think I could have gone a whole year listening to Mr Collins drone on while little bits of spit foamed at the corners of his mouth. God, just the thought makes me want to puke. Okay, bad choice of words. I’m doing really well. I actually fit into size eight clothing now and haven’t been sick in ages. Therapy has brought me a long way in the last six months and I know I have a lot to be happy for. Mum and I are on stable ground. We even had a girls’ day out last weekend if you can believe it. She took me out shopping and we had our hair done. It was really nice to spend time with her in that way.

  Levi looks amazing! You wouldn’t even recognise him if you saw him on the street. He’s lost all his ‘happy eating’ fat and has even started a boot camp that they hold down at Bondi in the afternoons. I’m his cheerleader. You won’t catch me lifting huge tyres or weights. He got his hair cut too – no longer hiding behind his beautiful brown curls. It’s hilarious. All the girls at school have suddenly started to notice him, although I think most of them are ignorant to the fact that he’s gay. I mean, how many brain cells does it take to figure that one out?

  Did you hear back about football yet?

  It’s your birthday soon … I already have the perfect present picked out! Eagerly awaiting your reply,

  Love

  Mackenzie (Student, Truck, Hot chick in size 8 clothing).

  ****

  Dear Mack

  28th June 2013

  Sorry it took me a little longer to get this letter back to you, but something came up with football. Tell you about that in a sec …

  I’m thrilled to hear you’re doing well, but seriously, I want to see for myself. All I have is the memories of you in my mind – I want the trophy pic so I can pin it on the wall next to my bed. I’m starting to daydream all kinds of fantasies – all of them racy as hell. I can’t stop thinking about your lips either. Has it really been so long?

  Awesome news about your dad. I know you must be thrilled. Can’t wait to officially meet him one day because I feel like I know him already from all the stories you’ve told me.

  School does sound the same old, but I’m glad I’ve finally finished with all of my exams. Now on to the great news and reason for my delay …

  My dad has some contacts from Sydney who were able to organise a meeting with the trainer of the South Sydney Rabbitohs. Thankfully dad has a few dollars behind him, because he’s flying the trainer and the owner of the club, Russell Crowe, out to Papua New Guinea to watch me play. We’ve organised a couple of the local lads to put me through my paces, but I have been training so hard that I really think I have a shot at making it. This last couple of months I’ve added a lot more muscle, too. I’m as fit as I’ve ever been.

  The best part of all this news? Mum and dad have said that if I get drafted for next year, then I’ll be able to move back to Sydney on my own. I’m almost nineteen now anyway – a man in their eyes. If that were to happen, it means I could be seeing you by early February. Would you like that baby? It means that I could hold you and touch you – feel you once more, just to make sure that what happened before I left wasn’t a dream. God, it feels like there’s no way it’s all going to work out, but I’m going to go for it anyway. I will write to you the minute I know, of course.

  I’m intrigued about the birthday present. You’re naughty, you really don’t need to get me anything – it gets expensive sending things through the mail system. Unless you send yourself gift-wrapped. You know I wouldn’t say no to that, right? Is that it? Is my surprise you? A little wishful thinking, I know, but hey, I can’t help myself.

  Bye baby

  Tyler (In something with you … You know I don’t want to scare you, right?)

&n
bsp; ****

  Dear Tyler

  07th July 2013

  I don’t scare easily. I’m absolutely bursting at the seams that you have a shot at playing football for the Rabbitohs! Russell Crowe is visiting you? OMG, I think I would die – die, I tell you! Of course the best part of all of this is that you would be coming back home. I dare not hope that this will be the outcome, and yet, I’m confident you have what it takes to make your dreams come true. I know football is all you have ever wanted to do. I’m keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for you.

  Happy Birthday of course! My present isn’t expensive, but I know it is what you wanted. It’s a picture Levi took while we were down at Coogee beach recently. I didn’t want to be all dicky and get a professional picture taken, but he took this one without me knowing and I thought you might kinda like it, since it’s a natural shot and all. I hope you’ve been spoilt … did you have a nice day? Would you believe I bought a little cupcake and lit the candle, making a wish on your behalf, celebrating your birthday too? I did. It was vanilla with chocolate icing. I did eat it, promise.