Sin of a Woman

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  Raven watched the rest of the sermon, paying attention to the way Pastor Black read scriptures and the way he worded his sentences. But then she snickered. She wasn’t sure why she suddenly thought about those two times she’d tried to seduce Pastor Black: once when the two of them had stayed behind in one of the church conference rooms after a meeting to discuss more financial business, and once when she’d pretended her car was in the shop so he would give her a ride to work. She’d known he would eventually be on his way to the church, so she’d called him bright and early. But after all these years, what she still didn’t understand was why he’d turned her down on both occasions. It didn’t make sense, not when he’d always loved smart, beautiful women—not to mention, he had certainly been unquestionably attracted to her. But rejecting her was exactly what he’d done. Then he’d also had the nerve to have her arrested and sent to prison.

  Raven still hated him for that, too, and although no one knew this except God and her, getting back at Pastor Black had been the reason she’d married his son, Dillon. Dillon had known that Raven couldn’t stand his father, but to this day, he didn’t know that Raven had ever tried to come on to his dad. Maybe because even though Raven’s initial connection to Dillon had only been revenge related, eventually she had genuinely fallen in love with him. She wished with everything in her that she hadn’t, but it had happened before she’d realized it.

  Raven watched sermon videos from five other nationally known pastors. The difference between them and Pastor Black, however, was that while they were each dynamic speakers, too, Raven honestly believed they were true men of God. She could tell just by listening to them, and she also had never heard anything bad about any of the men character-wise. She knew no one was perfect, but these men walked with great integrity. There was no doubt that Raven had different motives than they did for becoming a pastor, something she never lied to herself about, but she still had the utmost respect for pastors who seemed to care about doing the right thing. She loved that these particular men stayed clear of scandal.

  Raven slid back from her desk, preparing to head up to her bedroom, but when her phone rang she stopped in her tracks. Her eyes must be playing tricks on her, was all she could think. Because she just knew Dillon hadn’t found the audacity to call her. Although, there was no doubt that he was calling about that video she’d broadcast yesterday, and she didn’t want to hear anything he had to say.

  So she waited to see if he was bold enough to leave her a voice message. It took a little longer than she thought, which meant that he either hadn’t left one or he was leaving a pretty lengthy rant.

  She looked at her phone a few seconds more but then went upstairs. Not long after, her voice message signal beeped, and she swiped her screen to check it.

  “I don’t know whether you’re ignoring my call or if you’re legitimately not available. But either way, I need you to hear me and hear me good. Don’t start something you won’t be able to finish. We all watched that video of yours, and people are already posting comments and saying that they wonder if my dad is the pastor you’re talking about. So if you know what’s good for you, you’ll retract that accusation of yours. My father would never do anything like that to you or any woman, and what a dirty trick you are for trying to insinuate that he would. And you call yourself a pastor. Please! More like some fake harlot standing in a pulpit. You might have those members at your church fooled, but we all know who you really are. We know everything about you, and if you keep playing games, you’re going to regret the day you ever met my father. You’ll regret you ever met me, too, or even heard of the Black family. So I’m telling you now. Either you make a public statement clearing my dad or else. And just so we’re on the same page, these are the kinds of words we expect you to say: ‘While it has come to my attention that some people believe that when I said I was raped, I was referring to Pastor Curtis Black, I just want to say that it was not. Pastor Black never touched me or violated me in any kind of way.’ And I expect you to do it before noon tomorrow. And if you don’t, then consider this your first of very few warnings. Because I’m not playing with you, Raven. It’s bad enough that you dragged my name and reputation through the gutter during that divorce, so I owe you, anyway. But trying to ruin my dad is something different. So I advise you to do what you need to do. And do it quickly.”

  Raven clicked the button on her phone and laughed. Was he kidding? Did Dillon actually think she was afraid of him? Did he believe she was going to do anything he told her? Well, if he did, he was crazy, because she wasn’t going to retract anything—unless she would get something out of it. Maybe if Pastor Black wanted to verbally endorse her ministry in some beneficial way, or even better, drop a seven-figure contribution into one of NVCC’s collection plates, she would be happy to tell her viewers whatever the Black family wanted her to. But if not, she was leaving the allegations as is. She would allow all the suspicion and accusatory rhetoric to continue running rampant, because every bit of it was working nicely for her. Since yesterday, she’d gained ten thousand new followers on her Facebook page and nearly the same on her Twitter and Instagram accounts. Plus, there were all those candid and very touching comments that women nationwide were posting about their own sexual assaults. Some were sharing their stories for the first time, and they loved Raven for giving them the courage to do so. They were thanking her across the board, and she wasn’t about to give up such visible attention. Not when she needed this kind of publicity to grow her ministry. Not when the online donations from new viewers were steadily flowing in. But at the same time, it was like she’d just been thinking before: If Pastor Black paid the right price, she would retract whatever he wanted.

  For seven figures, she’d do just about anything.

  Chapter 14

  Hi, Michelle, do you have some time to come chat with me?” Porsha asked.

  “Uh, do you know how long it’ll take? I have a report that I need to finish by this afternoon.”

  “Not more than twenty minutes or so.”

  “Sure, I’ll be right in.”

  Porsha set her phone on its base, wondering why Michelle sounded a little strange. But maybe Raven had her working on something important.

  Michelle knocked, walked inside, and sat down.

  Porsha smiled. “I really appreciate your taking the time to sit with me.”

  “No problem,” she said with no feeling in her voice.

  “Are you okay?” Porsha asked.

  “I’m fine.”

  “Are you sure? Because you seem a little preoccupied.”

  “Just busy is all. But what can I do for you?”

  “Well, as you heard at our staff meeting yesterday morning, I’m starting a new women’s ministry.”

  Michelle nodded.

  “And what that also means is that I’ll be giving you a few more assignments than usual. I’ll need you to research a number of items, too, and as we move along over the next couple of months, I’ll want to plan outings for the women. I’ll, of course, need you to assist me with that as well.”

  Michelle barely blinked and acted as though she didn’t want to be there. “Okay.”

  “I’ve already decided on the name of the ministry, too, which is Daughters of Ruth. But over these next few days, I’m going to begin working on multiple documents. For each monthly meeting, I’ll need you to create a formal handout that will include helpful information for single women. For the second meeting, I want to give them something that lists the top reasons women who want to be married are still single. I’ll also want to give them something that talks about the best places to meet really decent guys. But for the first meeting, the handouts will be more intro related.”

  Michelle looked at her but still didn’t say anything. This was so unlike her, and even though she claimed nothing was wrong, Porsha knew something was.

  “Okay, look, Michelle. If this isn’t a good time, please tell me. If you’re having a bad day, you know I’ll understand.”
<
br />   “No, I’m good.”

  Porsha wondered why she was lying but didn’t call her out on it. “That’s pretty much all I have, anyway, so unless you have questions I guess that’s it.”

  “When are you planning to have your first meeting and on what day of the week?” she finally asked.

  “Every fourth Thursday,” Porsha said, flipping through the calendar on her desk. “So I’d really like to start two weeks from now.”

  “You don’t think that’s too soon?”

  “No. Today is only Wednesday, and I plan to work on this every single day through Saturday. Then, this coming Sunday, I’ll be personally announcing it to the congregation. A few days later, you can send it out to our membership mailing list, and I’ll talk about it again the next Sunday. After that, you can send out another mass e-blast two days before the meeting.”

  “I’ll do my best,” Michelle said. “Raven has a few things she needs me to work on as well, but I’ll be fine.”

  Raven always had projects for Michelle to work on, and even when Porsha did sometimes add a few responsibilities to Michelle’s workload, she never complained or made excuses. Today, however, she sounded as though she was hoping Porsha would say, Oh, well, that’s okay. I’ll handle my own research and administrative needs, and you just focus on Raven’s.

  “Again, I really appreciate you taking the time to sit down with me and for all your help.”

  Michelle stood up. “No problem. Just send me what you need me to do, and I’ll get it done.”

  “Sounds good, and thank you.”

  When Michelle left and closed the door, Porsha lowered her eyebrows. Something was very wrong, and Porsha knew she wasn’t just imagining things. Michelle was distant, and the more Porsha thought about it, she seemed cold, even. Maybe she was dealing with something personal and simply didn’t feel comfortable sharing it with Porsha. If so, Porsha hoped this was only temporary, and that tomorrow would be a much better day for her.

  Porsha researched more information online regarding single women until her cell phone rang. It was Steve.

  “Hey,” she said.

  “Hey yourself. Are you busy?”

  “Sort of, but what’s up?”

  “Not a lot. Just wanted to hear your voice…and ask if you enjoyed our time together last night. You know, before things turned a little ugly.”

  “It was okay.”

  “Oh, so I see you’re still upset.”

  “Nope.”

  “Look, baby,” he said. “You know I don’t like it when we argue like this. It really bothers me. And I barely slept two hours.”

  “I don’t know what to tell you.”

  “Let’s let bygones be bygones. At least for now.”

  Porsha flipped through a couple of documents on her desk and didn’t respond.

  “So have you thought more about my suggestion?”

  “Which is?”

  “Going to my conference with me next month.”

  “I’ll have to let you know.”

  “Why? Do you have other plans?”

  “Not that I’m aware of, but I’m starting a new singles ministry for women. And I’m going to be very busy with it.”

  “Really? When did you decide this?”

  “Just recently, but now it’s official.”

  “Well, it’s not like you’re really single.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You’re not.”

  “Yeah…I am. I’m not married to anyone.”

  “But you and I have a commitment to each other.”

  “No, you have a commitment to your wife. A broken one maybe, but it’s still a commitment. I’m not committed to anyone, though.”

  “But eventually you’ll be my wife, and you know that.”

  Porsha felt herself becoming irritated. “Can we talk about something else?”

  “I’d rather talk about this singles ministry you’re starting up. Because the next thing I know, you’ll be hanging out with some of these women, looking for men.”

  “First of all, I don’t hang out anywhere. But if I do meet a nice single man, why shouldn’t I be able to date him?”

  “I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.”

  “Pretend all you want.”

  “What is going on with you? Why are you suddenly acting like you don’t care about us anymore?”

  “I explained all of that to you last night. I just want more, Steve.”

  “Hmmph, maybe. Or maybe it has more to do with whoever called you last night.”

  “What are you talking about?” she said.

  “Porsha, don’t do that.”

  “I told you it was nobody important.”

  “Then why can’t you tell me the name of this nobody?”

  “Because it’s not necessary.”

  “Whatever you say, baby. Look, I have to get going, but I’ll call you tomorrow before I come by.”

  “Yeah, right. I won’t hold my breath.”

  “I’m serious. You’ll see.”

  “I’ll talk to you later, Steve.”

  “I love you.”

  “See ya.”

  “You’re not going to say it back? I noticed you didn’t say it back yesterday, either, before we hung up.”

  “Love you, too.”

  “I really do love you, Porsha.”

  “So do I. Talk to you later.”

  Porsha laid her phone down and swiveled her chair around so that she faced her office window. She was so confused. As wrong as it was, she did love Steve. She’d loved him for months, but she was no longer comfortable with their situation. She knew that this was partly because God was dealing with her conscience—something she now realized for sure, just at this very moment—and partly because of Dillon. She had no idea why all of this was happening to her, not to mention all at one time. She’d been positive that she was over Dillon, and that the only man she loved was Steve, but she could no longer deny that she still had strong, passionate feelings for him. She cared about both of them.

  Still, she was baffled by all of it, and even more so when it came to Dillon because he’d already proven that he couldn’t be trusted. Actually, Steve couldn’t be trusted, either, what with the way he was cheating on his wife with her, but at least Steve wasn’t seeing anyone else—as far as she knew, anyway.

  Porsha closed her eyes, attempting to relax her mind. Her life was so not what she wanted it to be, and she wondered how she was going to fix it. But maybe the passion she had for her women’s ministry was the answer. She knew it was going to help lots of other women, and she hoped and prayed that it would help her just as much.

  She needed all the help she could get—before things got worse.

  Chapter 15

  Kane walked into Raven’s office without knocking and shut the door behind him, fuming. “So when exactly were you going to tell me?”

  Raven hurried out of her seat and then stepped around her desk, trying to embrace him. “Baby, I knew you were going to be upset, but please let me explain.”

  Kane pushed her arms away from him. “Explain how? I mean, here we’ve been seeing each other for all this time and you never told me you were raped? Yet you told the entire world about it?”

  “I didn’t mean for it to happen that way. Honestly, I didn’t.”

  “I don’t believe you. It’s bad enough that you won’t marry me, but now you’re keeping secrets? The kind of secrets people in love don’t hide from each other?”

  This was turning out worse than Raven had thought it would be, and since Bible study would be starting in thirty minutes, it was such bad timing. “I didn’t want to, but I was so ashamed. Sometimes just thinking about it is way too painful, and that’s why I never talk about it. I’ve never told anyone.”

  “Until two days ago. On Monday you told everyone except me.”

  “I know, baby, and I’m sorry. If I could do things over I would, but I can’t.”

  “No, you’re right. What’s don
e is done, but at least now I know where we stand.”

  Raven walked closer to him again.

  “Don’t touch me,” he said. “That’s not going to work this time.”

  “Please let me make this up to you. I have to get ready for Bible study, but I promise I’ll answer any questions you have right after. I’ll explain everything when you come to my house.”

  “No, I think I’ll pass on both.”

  “You’re not staying for Bible study?”

  “No.”

  “Baby, I get that you don’t understand any of this, but you also don’t know what it’s like to be a rape victim,” she said, searching for anything she could that might make him forgive her. “You don’t know what it’s like to be traumatized the way I was and then have to walk around all this time as though nothing happened. But for some reason when I got ready to do my broadcast on Monday, I felt led to tell the truth. I felt obligated to share my story so that I could help other women.”

  Kane stared at her, and Raven had never seen him so furious. She’d never seen him so hurt.

  “So who did this to you?” he asked matter-of-factly.

  This was the one question that Raven had already thought up a lie for. “That’s not something I can tell even you. I know it might sound strange, but if I did, it would stir up too many awful memories. It’s just better to forget about it and move on.”

  “You’re too much. You know that? And to think I thought you loved me.”

  “I do love you. But I can’t allow my past to take over my life. I won’t do that.”

  “So you’re going to let a rapist go free? Let him ruin some other woman’s life? And who’s to say he hasn’t raped lots of other women already?”

  “I can’t worry about that. I have to worry about me.”