Sin of a Woman

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  “And why is that?”

  “We just don’t. Things are very different with us these days.”

  “And that’s why you’d better start watching your back. Raven will stab you multiple times before you even realize it. She wasn’t like that when we were married, but once she filed for divorce I saw a side of her that I never knew existed. She fights dirty, and she has no remorse behind it. I know having two affairs on her was wrong, but Raven doesn’t like to lose at anything. And as much as I hate to bring this up, she still has that video of you and me.”

  “I know, but I try not to think about it. And I’m hoping that if she was going to use it, she would’ve done it already.”

  “I thought she was going to threaten me with it during our divorce proceedings, but you know why she didn’t, right?”

  “No, why?”

  “Because you were her money source. You helped her get her ministry up and running, and she didn’t want to make waves with you. So believe me when I tell you, that’s the only reason the world hasn’t seen you and me having sex.”

  “I hate that I ever made that video. It’s one thing I would do over if I could.”

  “It’s partly my fault, too, because I know you only did it when you found out about Taylor.”

  “Still, I wish I hadn’t because if Raven ever sends that video to the wrong people, we will never live it down.”

  When they finished eating, Dillon leaned back in his chair, patting his stomach. “That was good.”

  “So was mine,” Porsha said, standing and covering their leftovers.

  Dillon got up, too, walked around the island, and pulled Porsha into his arms.

  “What are you doing?” she said, smiling.

  “You know what, and you also know what I want.”

  Porsha could already feel her flesh weakening. When she’d gotten home last night from the ministry meeting, Dillon had wanted to come over, but she’d explained how tired she was. He hadn’t liked her response, but thankfully, he’d told her to get some rest and he would just see her this evening. But now, he was kissing her up and down her neck and caressing her body. He was driving her crazy.

  “No, don’t,” she said, pressing her hands against his chest.

  “Why? What’s wrong?”

  Porsha took a deep breath. “Dillon, I’m sorry, but we need to talk.”

  “Now? About what?”

  “Let’s just sit down.”

  “Whoa, this must be serious,” he said as they sat across from each other.

  “It is,” she told him, remembering the talk she’d had with Steve last week—which hadn’t gone very well. He hadn’t been happy about her decision, and although her situation with Dillon was very different, she knew he wouldn’t be happy, either. But all she could do was try.

  “So I know we’re trying to get our relationship back on track, and that we’ve been having a lot of sex.”

  “We’ve been making love,” he quickly corrected her. “And there’s a difference.”

  “Okay, I’ll give you that. When I’m with you, it does feel like we’re making love, but it’s also wrong.”

  Dillon shook his head and dropped it backward, sighing. He was clearly annoyed.

  “I know you don’t like what I’m saying, but I don’t want to keep committing a sin I feel guilty about.”

  “But baby, nobody’s perfect. You know that, right?”

  “I do know. But I’m still trying to be a better person, and I need you to be okay with that.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Say you love me enough to be abstinent.”

  “That’s a lot to ask.”

  “Are you saying you don’t think fornicating is wrong?”

  “Of course I know it’s wrong. I told you I’m not the same person I used to be, and I’ve made a lot of changes. I don’t do most of the things I used to do, but not being able to make love to you is a bit much.”

  “Well, if I’m going to lead a women’s ministry, I need to do what’s right. If I’m encouraging other single women to abstain, then I have to do it as well. I don’t want to be a hypocrite.”

  Dillon looked at her. “So what does this mean exactly?”

  “That we can’t have sex.”

  “I know, but what can we do? Kiss? Caress each other? What?”

  “As long as it doesn’t go any further. Which means we should probably leave the caressing part out.”

  “So basically, kissing is it then?”

  “I know you don’t like this, and I’m sorry.”

  “We’ll make it work.”

  “Are you sure? Because I don’t want you to agree to something you can’t keep up. I won’t tolerate you messing around elsewhere.”

  “That’s the least of my thoughts. I told you that I love you, and I meant that.”

  “I love you, too,” she said before she could stop herself. Ever since they’d started seeing each other again, she’d purposely not told him because she was afraid of being hurt. “So now that we have an understanding about that, why don’t you let me clear the food away. Then we can relax in the family room.”

  “We can do that.”

  Porsha got back up, but then she realized the food was still too warm to put in the refrigerator. So she gathered their plates and utensils and carried them over to the sink. But as she turned to look back at the island, Dillon stood close behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. She hadn’t even seen him get up.

  He kissed her neck again, and she leaned away from him.

  “Dillon, don’t,” she said.

  Now he turned her around and pressed her more against the counter. “Baby, please. Just this one last time.”

  “No.”

  Dillon ignored her resistance and kissed her deeply on her lips—and she felt her body weakening again. Before long, she kissed him back and gave up trying to stop him. She knew she would hate herself when this was over, but she couldn’t pretend she didn’t want it. She still knew it was wrong, but the more Dillon kissed her and touched her, the more she lost self-control. She fell totally in sync with all that he was doing to her, and now they were headed upstairs to her bedroom. But this would be the last time. Until she got married.

  Chapter 34

  It was only six a.m., but Porsha was already up on her treadmill, crying a flood of tears and watching Pastor Gwyn Shepherd. She’d tried her best not to sleep with Dillon last night, and just as she’d thought, she sorely regretted that she had. After leaving the women’s ministry meeting on Thursday, she’d decided to abstain from having sex, but just one day later she’d failed at it. She had allowed lust to outweigh her conscience and the stance she was trying to take against fornication. But this time, she’d extended her sin even further—she’d allowed Dillon to spend the night, and he was still upstairs, sleeping. This worried her, because if she didn’t stop what she was doing, the next thing she knew they’d be living together. Shacking up as though there was nothing wrong with it and forgetting about what was important.

  Porsha wiped her face with both hands and tried to settle down. Then she turned up the volume on the television. Not so loud that it would wake Dillon, but to a level where she could hear Gwyn’s sermon over her treadmill.

  “One of the toughest things Christian single men and women deal with is fornication,” Gwyn said, and Porsha knew she hadn’t turned on the television by mistake. She also knew that whenever God gave you what you needed—when you needed it—coincidence had nothing to do with it. Everything with God was always on purpose and timely.

  Gwyn swiped her tablet screen and then looked out at her audience. “This is the reason I love James, chapter four, verses seven through ten, which says, ‘So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorr
ow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.’

  “This passage says everything. It outlines the struggle of trying to do right but ultimately doing wrong. Then, when we’re talking about sex before marriage, sometimes men can feel weaker when it comes to abstaining, and women have to set the example. You have to stick to your values and uphold your decision. Keep your promise to God. Because let’s face it, He didn’t create His Ten Commandments just for the sake of doing so. He created them so we would abide by them. And, of course, when we don’t, there can be a serious price to pay—especially when you commit a sin and you know it’s a sin, yet you continue doing it anyway. You end up reaping what you sow in one way or another. Plus, there’s something else you need to remember. If a man truly loves you and respects your wishes about not having sex before marriage, he won’t keep pressuring you about it. He won’t ask you to do something that goes against your Christian beliefs.”

  Porsha heard everything Gwyn was saying and felt as though her spirit was being renewed with every word. Yes, she’d backslid again with Dillon last night, but no more. She was so much better than that. And her mind was made up about something else: She couldn’t put off confessing to the congregation about her selfish and ungodly reasons for becoming a minister.

  Porsha raised the incline on her treadmill, feeling energized and hopeful. Then, surprisingly, her doorbell rang. She frowned because rarely did anyone drop by unannounced this early on a Saturday morning. But maybe it was one of her neighbors and something was wrong.

  So she muted her television, paused her workout program, and went to the front door. But when she looked through the frosted-glass window, she saw Steve. He saw her, too, and she thought she would pass out.

  He beat on her door multiple times and rang her bell like an unruly child. “Open up this door, Porsha!”

  Porsha slowly backed away, praying he would leave. But he didn’t.

  “I knew this was the reason you started acting like you didn’t want me anymore. Now, open up this door!”

  Porsha moved closer to one of the entryway walls, still wishing he would go away.

  “And I know you…got all my…messages,” he said, slurring his words and staggering. “I know you did, but now you’re laying up with some…new man. Open up! Open this door, so I can see who this nobody is. Why don’t you…let me see the competition?”

  Porsha had never known him to drink so much as wine, but he was completely intoxicated.

  Steve rang the bell again—repeatedly—and slammed his fist against the door.

  Porsha stepped back into the entryway. “Steve, please go home. I’m begging you.”

  “Why? So you can keep disrespecting me with another man? You’re my woman.”

  “I’m not, Steve, and you know it. Now, please leave.”

  Steve punched the door again. “You’re nothing but a lying whore…pretending to be all God-fearing. And you…call yourself…a minister. Please.”

  Porsha heard Dillon rushing down the stairs, and she closed her eyes with worry. This was the very thing she’d been afraid of, and she wished Steve had left when she’d asked him.

  “Who’s out there keeping up all that commotion?” he said. “This early in the morning?”

  Porsha couldn’t speak even if she wanted to. Because not only hadn’t she wanted Dillon and Steve to meet, she also hadn’t wanted Dillon finding out that she’d been seeing a married man. Dillon already knew she’d slept with him when he’d been married to Raven, but she still didn’t want him knowing she’d continued doing that kind of thing. She was so embarrassed.

  “Baby, who is that?” Dillon asked again.

  “Oh, so there he is!” Steve said. “And maybe since your little whore won’t let me in, you will.”

  Dillon brushed past Porsha and reached for the doorknob.

  But she grabbed him by his arm with both hands. “Dillon, please don’t.”

  “Why? Who is it? The guy you told me you were seeing?”

  Porsha just stared at him, because even though she’d broken up with Steve, she’d never mentioned that to Dillon. She’d simply wanted to forget about that whole relationship. But now here he was, bright and early, causing a scene for her and her neighbors.

  “Look,” Dillon said, “I’m either opening the door and dealing with this fool, or I’m calling the police.”

  “No,” Porsha pleaded. “Maybe he’ll just leave on his own.”

  “Baby, he’s drunk. Can’t you see that? And he’s obviously not happy about you having another man in here. So trust me, he’s not going anywhere.”

  “You trick-whore,” Steve yelled. “After I went to my wife this week and asked for a divorce, this is how you do me? This is how you treat me…when you kept claiming you loved me?”

  Dillon looked at Porsha, seemingly unfazed by what Steve had just said, and reached for the doorknob again.

  But Porsha stopped him—again. “Let’s just go into the family room. Because eventually he’ll get in his car and leave.”

  “And what if he doesn’t?”

  “He will,” she said, silently praying that she was right and leading Dillon down the hallway.

  But the next thing they heard was a loud crash and glass shattering in the living room. And when they rushed in there, they saw a large landscaping rock that Steve had likely taken from Porsha’s yard. Porsha and Dillon now hurried to the front door, but Steve was already getting in his car and starting it up. Within seconds he sped off, and Porsha was relieved. Until they heard another crash and saw that Steve had slammed his car into a stop sign.

  Dillon looked at Porsha. “That’s it. I’m calling the police, whether you like it or not. Before this fool kills somebody.”

  Porsha didn’t even bother arguing with him, because she knew it had to be done. Steve was highly intoxicated and driving around like he was sober. He was a total mess, and he had to be stopped. Not later today or tomorrow, but now.

  Chapter 35

  Raven could still see the excitement on Porsha’s face, and it made her sick. This morning, they’d all attended their usual weekly staff meeting, and Porsha hadn’t hesitated to share how successfully her first ministry meeting had gone. She’d talked about the number of women who’d shown up and how they were already looking forward to next month. Raven hadn’t smiled, asked any questions, or commented, and all Porsha’s great news had done was make Raven want to kick her out of NVCC even faster. And thanks to John, she would be able to confront Porsha tomorrow.

  This one thought alone tickled Raven with joy, because everything was finally going to be hers. Keeping the money that John had transferred to her this afternoon was major in itself, but now Porsha’s fifty-thousand-dollar-per-month cut would be hers as well—which meant that for the first time in Raven’s life, she would know what it felt like to earn seven figures. Her annual income would rise to $1.2 million, and with as popular as she was becoming, she would soon earn far more than that.

  Raven had been very smart about the way she’d run the ministry, and all her hard work was paying off. This also meant that she could now resume her romance with Kane. She knew it wouldn’t be easy, but in a matter of days Kane would give in. He would come back to her the way he always had.

  Raven curled up on her sofa and dialed his number.

  “Hello?” he answered.

  “Hi. How are you?”

  “Okay, I guess.”

  Raven waited for him to say more, but he didn’t.

  “So I’m sure you’re a little surprised to hear from me,” she said.

  “Actually, I am.”

  “Have you missed me?”

  “Not really.”

  “Not even a little?”

  “Raven, what is it you want?”

  She tried to think of something better to say, but she couldn’t. “You’re still upset, aren’t you?”

  “Why are you
asking me stupid questions?”

  “I’m just trying to talk to you. Trying to call a truce.”

  “Why? You have time for me now? You want sex? What?”

  “That’s not fair, and you know it. I was wrong. I admit that, but I’m also sorry about what happened. I never should’ve acted the way I did.”

  “But you do this all the time. If you don’t get your way or I disagree with something you’re doing, you go off. Or like this time, you break up with me.”

  “I know, and again, I’m sorry. Sometimes I don’t think rationally, and I lose it. Running a church is hard enough, but running an entire ministry is very stressful. You know that, Kane. You’ve always known it.”

  “Yeah, but ministry or not, I’m not going to let you treat me any way you want. I’m also never going to be your yes man. I won’t stand idly by, watching you do awful things to people.”

  Raven wished he would get off his soapbox and just get over it. “I’m not asking you to do that. I’m just trying to explain why I do some of the things I do.”

  “Well, that’s not good enough anymore. I need something different in a woman.”

  Raven wondered how long it was going to take for him to get beyond this. “Are you saying you want someone else?”

  “Right now, I just want to be left alone.”

  “Why are you so bitter? I made a mistake, Kane. That’s all.”

  “You’re always making mistakes, and then you expect me to forgive you and be happy. Well, I’ve told you before how I’m getting tired of that. And I meant it.”

  “Baby, you’re scaring me,” she told him, realizing now that it was time she said whatever he needed to hear. “Please don’t tell me that in just two weeks, you’ve fallen out of love with me. That you’ve decided you’re done with me for good. Please tell me that’s not true.”

  “I’ve just had enough. I don’t like this roller coaster ride we’re on, and I want off.”

  “What can I do to change your mind?”

  “Go on with your life. Find someone who you really love and care about. Continue to do you.”