Anna is without words. She was so afraid of their reaction to this pregnancy that she never considered they’d be supportive, not in a million years. Still she feels defensive, like she has to explain herself. "I feel like I need to apologize for this baby, but I won’t. No, John is not ready to be a part of this with me. He is working so hard to get back to Clara.”
Jane’s eyes tear up. “He has been through too much.”
Stephanie stands tall. “But what about you Anna. I know you will be in New York with your friend Pemberley.”
“Yes and I will be okay." Anna is emphatic.
Jane hands Anna a key. “John doesn’t know this yet, but we bought the beach house next to ours, unit 517, your house, not long after he left us. We wanted matching lots for our boys. Eventually, we will build a bigger house but for now, it is perfect for you.”
“Jane this is a generous offer, but I will be fine in New York.” Anna says pushing the key back to her.
Jane insists, “Just in case. You were both happy there. We think John found something there, with you, something that he searched for all over the world. For the first time, he found some peace.”
Stephanie sits and smooths Anna’s hair, “He needs to be with Clara, but I think he needs to be with you too.”
Anna thinks there is more to this conversation than an innocent offer of a house key. Responsibility?
“What are you saying?” Anna asks Stephanie.
“Anna you know I love that baby girl just like my own, but she needs her Daddy more than she needs me. I don’t think coming to Chicago is going to be the right thing for either of you. I thought it was for John before, but seeing him now, seeing him here with you, I know it isn’t. There are too many memories of Sarah there for him.”
This news hits Anna hard. She has envisioned John in Chicago with Clara and Stephanie and Brian. They would care for him and see him through reconnecting with Clara, and help get him ready to be with her and the new baby. She needs to get herself together and she can’t be responsible for John now. Anna’s face betrays what is in her heart.
“Stephanie, we are putting way too much on Anna right now. This is her wedding day. Anna, please take this key and know that you are welcome to the house. That is all I ask of you.” Jane presses the key into Anna’s hand, folding her fingers around it.
Stephanie agrees. “Just food for thought, okay?”
They hear John coming up the stairs. Jane speaks quickly in a low voice. “We are your family now Anna.” She lays a maternal hand on Anna’s cheek and rises to leave, passing John on the steps.
"Good morning gorgeous women!" John greets Stephanie and Anna each with a sweaty kiss before heading into the shower.
Stephanie spends the morning polishing Anna’s nails, curling and fixing her hair into a braided crown, woven with blue spring starflowers. She helps Anna into her dress and even clasps silver heels to her feet. By the time Stephanie is done, Anna feels like Cinderella and looks every bit the beautiful bride. Anna spins in front of the mirror while Stephanie sits on the bed admiring her handiwork.
Anna doesn’t want a big to-do for everyone to look at her as she walks down the stairs. When she steps onto the stairs, in heels for the first time in a long time and pregnant, she finds herself unable to move. Images of the last time she was unsure of her footing on a staircase like this, flood her memory. Anna finds herself clutching the railing like an old woman, terrified and trying desperately to hide it. Stephanie takes her arm, maybe sensing Anna is unsure and guides her down to the last stair. Anna kisses her new sister’s cheek, thanks her and walks into the kitchen to find John.
“Anna,” is all he says for a moment. Jane and Conrad disappear from the kitchen, and Stephanie and the boys follow. John tilts Anna’s chin to his face. “The first time I saw you on those white steps at 516 with your chin pointed to the sun, I thought you looked like a painting. I’d never seen anything so beautiful as you sitting on that step in the sunshine. You looked like hope. We have come so far in three months. I don’t know how much farther we need to come, to live a life together like other people. But I know that we will.”
Anna kisses his lips and hopes he is right.
“I never saw a sight so beautiful until this moment here, right now.”
Anna and John go out to join the party in full swing. Hundreds of guests dance on a dance floor enormous in yellow afternoon sunshine. After an hour, the band introduces John and Anna. The wedding is a surprise to the guests and they are thrilled to be part of the celebration. Susannah performs a brief ceremony. John and Anna kiss as husband and wife before old friends, family, neighbors, university staff and students, members of a few local bands, artists that Jane supports and anyone else they thought might have a good time.
The party continues long into the night. The band shifts and rotates players, welcoming musicians to join in. Meredith sings Let My Love Open The Door, but turns it slow and sexy with an acoustic guitar. Brian plays drums for Sammy and Mikey, and they all sing Beautiful Day. They look like Brian and John long ago.
John and Brian are summoned for their rendition of Freebird, apparently a local favorite. They move from Freebird into a brotherly duet of Islands in the Stream. This love song performed by the two bothers is well-known to this crowd.
John is easy on stage, more relaxed than any other time. Anna has seen him play guitar and sing but never a full performance on a stage with a band. He is funny and confident and incredibly talented. He has the presence of a star. The crowd is riveted watching these two brothers perform. Anna sits with Conrad, Jane, Stephanie, Susannah, and Meredith and watches this relative stranger who is her husband. She looks to the faces of his family. This is the John they know and love. This is the John that Anna is just meeting now. Is he the same person? She wonders. And will he love me, too?
John carries Anna over the threshold of the presidential suite at The Four Seasons hotel. She pulls him roughly to the bed, unbuttoning his shirt on the way. Their lips never part. Clothes are shed fast and left in a heap on the floor. Anna lays back pulling him close. There is an urgency. They both know their time together is coming to an end. When John glides into Anna, staring into her eyes, he winces, smiling and gritting teeth at the intensity of joining himself with his wife. It is almost too much for him. The sensation is pure physical pleasure joined completely with agonizing emotional pain.
"Are you alright?" Anna says taking his face in her hands.
He plunges deep, not wanting a conversation. "You tell me."
Later, Anna declares starvation and they order burgers and fries, eating in plush white robes at the table. She licks a bit of ketchup from his lip.
"Thank you," he says trying to keep his tone easy. Their imminent goodbye is weighing heavily on him.
"The pleasure is all mine. John, tell me something I don't know about you."
"Yeah?" Distraction is good.
"Yes, we have many gaps to fill in. A lot to learn about each other."
How in the hell are we going to learn about each other when we are thousands of miles apart? He wonders.
"Okay. Let me think a second." He chews thoughtfully, determined not to spoil this night. They can talk tomorrow. "Okay. Here goes. When I was away, I went to South America. Coming from these parts I speak good Spanish, picked up some Portuguese and I got by. I just wanted to work with my hands, you know sweat, drink, and fall into a bed exhausted at the end of the day, with my brain off." She takes his hand. “I met a guy and started doing stagehand work at a stadium in Argentina. Some big bands came through. Eventually, I got an offer to go on the road and I guess you could say I was a roadie."
"Really?"
"Yup. Okay doll, your turn. Tell me something I don't know," doing his best John McLaughlin impression.
"Well wait, who'd you tour with?"
"Another time."
"Come on then, tell me one."
"Mumford."
"And Sons?" She is surprised. "I thought yo
u were going to say something a bit smaller scale.” He shrugs. “Wow. Okay, okay, my turn. I tend to go dark with these. I'm going to keep it light." He nods, encouraging her on. "That photo we saw in Charleston? I took it in Hawaii. I was there doing a piece on attacks on American soil called 'Terrorism and War: The Fine Line.' After the work was done, I spent a few days exploring the islands on my own, Pemberley had to move on. I covered Kauai end to end. I saw and did everything, hiked, dined in extraordinary restaurants, did my laundry in a laundromat chatting with the locals, parasailed, went to a luau. It was the first occasion where I ever spent time alone without hiding from it. You know room service, movies or a book. It is very liberating. After that, knowing I could be alone, made me want to connect more with people, not need to. Does that make sense?"
“It makes perfect sense."
Later in bed, Anna holds him tight. Tonight at the hotel, tomorrow night at Conrad and Jane’s, then they fly back to Columbia airport. John wants to see her off there instead of heading straight to Chicago. They'll spend their last night together in the airport Marriott before Anna collects her car and drives to New York and John flies back to Chicago.
"Let me drive you back to New York and help you get settled," John pleads.
"No."
"Can you tell me why not?"
"I don't want memories of you in New York. I don't want the smell of you on my sheets there. I don't want to laugh with you at the coffee shop around the corner. I don't want to rely on you to carry my bags. I need a clean cut."
John pulls her close and they take a long time to fall asleep. John dreams.
He is running on a cold, cloudy day. Miles and miles of sweat clings to his reddened face, his clothes. Short hair is drenched. He should get back. One more mile. Maybe two. Clara is sleeping. She'll probably be down another half hour. Sarah is resting too. Finally heading home John rounds the corner to his street. Ambulance, fire truck, police car fly past, sirens screaming. He can tell by the sirens they stopped, did not drive through to the next street. He picks up his pace. Knowing. He runs as fast as gravity will allow. His house. He hears, then sees as they ram the front door. He rushes the steps, moments after. Clara screams and screams. Silent prayers. Please god. Please god. Wide eyes await him at the top of the step. Arms try to hold him back. They can't hold him. He punches and kicks and spits his way through. Rounding the doorway, Clara in her tub seat covered in... what? One more step and there is Sarah. She is gray. Arms try again to restrain him. He reaches out to her. Everything goes black.
John awakes early in a sweat. I need a run before breakfast. The bed is empty. "Anna?" He calls out. "Anna are you here?" She doesn’t answer and he walks the suite seeing no sign of her, finally trying the bathroom door. It is locked. "Anna are you okay?"
"John please leave me alone." She is crying.
"Anna, what's going on? Is it the baby?" The panic is close and starts to take him over.
"No John. It’s you. This is why we can't be together. It's happening. I was starting to have my doubts. Starting to question my judgment. It’s happening all over again. I am leaving now."
"Anna, what the hell is going on? What happened?" He lays both hands on the door to push through it. If he pushes it instead of kicking it, he can do less damage.
"John please go away from the door. Move away,” she says before he does.
"Anna, you are scaring the shit out of me." But he goes, calling to show her his voice is farther away. The door cracks and Anna comes out slowly. Her eyes are red and she is holding ice to her swollen cheek.
"Oh my god Anna. What happened? Did you go out? Were you attacked? Why didn't you wake me? Anna, what is happening?" His voice reaches a fever pitch as her face tells the story. "I did this to you?"
She nods and begins packing. "You were having a nightmare. I tried to wake you. You started striking out. You were asleep. It was unintentional, I know. But I have to go. I’m not going to do this again. I’ll protect my baby this time."
He is shocked and sick to his stomach. The dreams had been gone awhile now. The last was after Isabella's accident on the beach. It's the saying goodbye. It is too much. The swelling is not insignificant.
"John, if it was just us, I would work this through with you. I would stay. But I won't put my baby at risk." She crumples her beautiful white wedding dress, tossing it into her suitcase.
"Anna, I... "
"I know John. I know. You’ll let me go?” He nods slowly, shock numbing his reactions. “I'd like you to help get my things together, then get cleaned up, we’ll go by your parents so I can say goodbye, and you’ll take me to the airport. I'll tell them I have to get to New York for business immediately. I need to touch this up with a bit of make-up. I think my sunglasses will cover it." She knows how to cover these marks. She throws her clothes in without folding a thing, piling her toiletries on top.
He sits on the bed, realizing he fucked everything.
"John, I am so sorry for what you went through."
He shrugs, words aren’t coming.
"You were talking in your sleep. John, it must have been awful finding Sarah, unimaginable. I’m so sorry, but I still have to be away from you."
John sits stone-faced. Anna lays a hand on his check and rubs his beard with her thumb. "It’s too much for us John. It is just too much for us to handle right now.” Anna tries to study his face, but he keeps his eyes shut tight. He doesn’t want to be studied.
“I'm not sure I remember how to be without you," Anna says and her tears flow.
He keeps his hands at his sides because he knows that is what she needs, but he lays his face into her hand, grateful for some contact.
"I will fix this Anna."
"I know you will John. We'll be together. Later."
At the house, Anna embraces Jane and Conrad, Brian and Stephanie and the kids as her family would never be embraced, wholly and completely, with words of love and wishes to meet again soon. Anna avoids Stephanie’s eyes, knowing she is failing her. At the airport, Anna touches her lips to Johns.
"I'll keep her safe," she says with a hand on her belly.
"Keep you both safe. Anna I love you."
She kisses his lips again slowly and backs away. "Goodbye John," she says. And she is gone.
Eight
John leaves the airport and drives to a bar near his house. He sits in the parking lot for a long time deciding if he wants to go in. If he wants to start this. Once he starts losing control, it is hard to stop. But the relief he can find at the bottom of a bottle is undeniable.
He pulls out his phone to look at a picture of them together, taking their vows. He needs to remind himself of how they were yesterday. A happy smiling couple on the brink of a future together. Together. He opens the album Stephanie added to Facebook, tagging them both. He looks through his notifications at friend requests from family and friends. Brian must have gotten this going at the wedding. He has seventy-four requests. He notices a request from Pemberley and an in-box message... "John I am so sorry I haven't called. So sorry to miss the wedding. There is a lot going on right now. Please call me but not with Anna. I need to talk to you alone."
He immediately dials her number, knowing something is very wrong. She doesn't answer, but a man with a Cuban accent does, "Hello, this is Pemberley's phone."
John introduces himself, asking for Pemberley.
"Yes, hello John. Pemberley was anxious to speak with you. She asked me to look out for your call. I am her father, Rodrigo Molina."
"Yes sir, is she okay?"
"Actually John, no. I am sorry to say, Pemberley is very ill. She has been receiving treatment for breast cancer since her mastectomy about eight weeks ago."
"Oh my god," John says counting back. That was the week after her visit to the island.
"She has been quite worried about her friend, your wife I think, Anna? Pemberley tried very hard to keep this news from Anna. Anna has had enough experience with cancer these past years. No?"
<
br /> John agrees. "Anna left Austin a few days ahead of schedule. She will be in New York late tomorrow. Where is Pemberley? What can I do?"
"Pemberley is in-patient for now. The chemo has been very hard on her. Anna is welcome to her home, but Pemberley doesn't want Anna staying there long term. On this point, Pemberley is adamant. She will not have Anna nursing her for even a minute. With a baby on the way, Anna should be surrounded by life, not sickness. Pemberley has family to care for her."
"I am so sorry. I understand. I'll reach Anna and stop her."
"John, this will be a shock for her. Go to her if you can."
"Yes sir, I will. Thank you. Please give my love to Pemberley."
"I will. Thank you John."
John starts the car and heads home to pack, dialing Anna. Her phone is off. When he gets home, he offers little explanation to his parents, going upstairs and packing quickly.
Stephanie comes in without knocking. "John what is it? What is going on? You are scaring the shit out of us."
"I know. I'm sorry. It's Pemberley. Anna is on her way to see her and Pemberley is in the hospital. Bad chemo reaction, breast cancer. Anna doesn't have any idea. After Dylan… oh my god Stephanie. This is going to crush her." He continues to pack, moving quickly.
Stephanie sits down with a hand holding her bangs away from her face. "Poor Anna. I am so sorry for Pemberley. The baby..."
"You know about the baby?"
"No booze, new boobs, Tums, heavy napping. Yeah I managed to piece that together," Stephanie says with arms crossed over her chest, like she figured out the answer to a simplistic riddle.
"I have to go get her, Stephanie. Last night I was dreaming. I hit her. I have been having some flashbacks."
"Okay,” she pauses taking it in, “John just go get her. We'll figure it out. We have lots of options. We'll figure out what works the best for you both. John," she says grabbing his arm, "please don't leave us again."
The panic in her eyes fills him with guilt. "I won't ever do that to you all again. Never."
Circling The Shadows Page 19