By Wednesday Anna feels a greater closeness with John’s parents than she ever hoped for. Anna is eager for them to love her. She understands how they struggled with Sarah. Sarah spent her entire marriage with John pushing his parents away. It broke their hearts. Anna is determined to connect with them and make them love her, then they will love her baby and somehow this will all work out.
Anna spends a spa day with Jane on Thursday. They bask in a day of scrubbing, massaging, wrapping, filing and polishing. They eat a “spa lunch” which they realize is very small, very garnished food, sitting in white robes in a flower garden. Jane tells Anna of her own family. Jane talks about leaving home in rural South Carolina as a teenager. Her wealthy, conservative parents couldn’t control their rebellious daughters. Susannah was a lesbian before such things were discussed. Susannah went to New York for art school and never returned to her parent’s home. Jane travelled with a band and ended up in Austin, meeting Conrad and staying.
“We did finally reunite when the boys were born. My parents’ politics were cruel and shocking to me. They would have been slave owners in another time. My values were very different. Peace, love, civil rights, but it was their religion that drove me away. I couldn’t stand their hypocrisy. Later, I realized they loved me and they certainly loved the boys. That love helped forgive a lot.”
Anna nods in understanding. “It is so darling to hear them referred to as boys. Your gorgeous six foot two inch, muscle-bound, bearded, linebacker baby boys.”
“They are cute aren’t they?” Jane’s face suddenly falls.
“Jane, you look as if you’ve seen a ghost. What is it?” Anna asks with concern.
“Nothing darling.” Jane tries to gloss over it.
“Jane what is it?” Anna pleads.
“Anna it is none of my business. I am just an old woman who worries about her son. We’ve had a terrible few years. I just want you both to be happy.” Obviously eager to change the subject, Jane asks about Anna’s parents. "When was the last you spoke to them?"
"Years and years ago. When they chose not to come for my wedding, I let them go. They just weren't interested in me. It always seemed a bit off. I was adopted and they never really connected with me."
"I am so sorry for that. You deserved more then and you still do now."
"I'm beginning to think I do." Anna lays her hand on Jane’s, careful to keep their polish clear.
Pulling into the neighborhood, Stephanie prepares the kids, “We’re almost there, y’all. Clara, we’re going to see Daddy!”
Brian gives his wife a smile.
“Can you believe this? It’s like a miracle,” she says.
“It is a miracle,” Brian says.
When they pull up, John opens the door and Clara dives into his arms with a “Daddy!"
Stephanie hugs Anna hard. "I am so happy! So so so so happy for you both!" She pulls Anna close. "You look great," Stephanie says. "I mean really great. All that sea air just does wonders, doesn't it?"
Anna smiles silently in thanks.
Jane and her boys spend the afternoon in the kitchen cooking an Italian feast. They simmer a Bolognese for hours, roll out homemade fettuccini, antipasti of meats, cheeses, marinated vegetables, and salads, fresh baked focaccia with olives and caramelized onions, and cannoli for dessert. Conrad takes the kids fishing in the river. Anna and Stephanie laze in the sun with iced teas, enjoying the quiet, punctuated by laughter from the kitchen.
"Anna. I've said it before and I'll say it again. You are pure magic. You have changed our lives. Can you hear them in there? I haven't heard that in a long, long time." Laughter spills from the kitchen like music.
"I feel so lucky to be a part of this and to have a sister-in-law like you." Anna says, meaning every word.
"We can drop the in-law. We are just plain old sisters, girl. Sisters for life." Stephanie offers her pinky for a shake. Anna complies laughing.
"So will you move to Chicago soon? I can't wait to have you close by," Stephanie asks.
Anna didn’t want to be the one making this announcement, but she can’t lie to Stephanie. "Actually it won't be for a long while, I am sad to say."
"Oh?" Stephanie doesn't hide her disappointment.
"I've taken on a few big projects. I am committed to New York for some time unfortunately."
"Long distance marriage? Well I've seen the way you two look at each other. You can make anything work. We'll just have to Skype and talk and text and visit. Right?"
"Stephanie, I'm so glad you'll be close by to John. He is really committed to moving forward with his life. And he needs you to do it. I'll come to Chicago as soon as I can," Anna promises.
"Anna, can I say something highly irregular, for one woman to say to another woman?" Anna nods. "Girl, you have put on some weight and you look great! You got some boobs now. Look at you. You’ve even got some cleavage."
The sharing of this observation sends Anna into hysterics. "I've been eating John's cooking all summer. It has done me a world of good. Before that, it was all hospital food for a long, long time."
"Anna, did you lose someone?" Stephanie asks tentatively.
"I did,” Anna knows it is time to open up. But revealing her life and her choices is always hard for her. Opening herself up to judgment is terrifying. “I lost my husband." Anna tells Stephanie what she wants to share about the last three years. She doesn’t want to share the abuse.
"He died of a brain tumor? Oh no. Wait, did I ask you if you had a brain tumor at the beach?" Stephanie covers her face with her hands. “I am horrified!”
"It's okay. I just wasn't ready to talk about it all then. John and I had fashioned this wonderful, rather magical haven at the beach. I just wasn't ready to shine the light of reality on it."
"I think we may need something stronger than this lemonade. A spike of bourbon?"
"No actually, I'm okay. Thanks though."
Anna wonders if she imagined it or if Stephanie sucks in her breath just a little at Anna's surprising response. Not drinking makes keeping a pregnancy a secret very challenging. Anna tries in vain to push the thought from her mind.
"Oh my god, oh my god y'all, this is fantastic!" Stephanie exclaims with a fork full of pasta. Wine is poured, memories and old stories are shared. Clara sits happily between John and Anna. Jane and Stephanie share a smile, silently acknowledging how they already look like a family. Stephanie's smile is just on the surface though. Anna isn’t drinking. Anna has gained weight, grown boobs. Anna is glowing. No. No. No.
"So John, I friended you on Facebook and got ignored?" Brian teases.
"I don’t have a Facebook account," John's reply ignites laughter from Anna and a meek grin from Stephanie.
"You didn't tell him?" Anna asks Stephanie.
"Me? I thought you would! Well actually… John can I see your phone. Sorry about this. I might have been a little intoxicated at the time, enjoying a rainy day nap with your soon to be wife."
Stephanie logs onto John's account and hands the phone back to him. His profile photo is a shot of him and Clara building a sand castle. His cover photo is the big group shot Joe took on the beach. They are all standing in the surf, sun-kissed and happy.
"I want to be pissed, but I kind of love it. You might have mentioned it though. Looks like I have sixteen notifications. What the hell is a notification?" This gets a round of laughter from everyone over the age of eight.
"I'll give you a lesson later," Anna says. "We'll get you on board. Conrad, Jane I heard you had quite a whirlwind romance. I'd love to hear about it."
"I do love that old story." Conrad blows a kiss to his wife. "You tell, I like the sound of your voice,” Conrad says.
Jane smiles and gets a faraway look in her eyes remembering. "Okay, where to start... where to start. It was 1970. I was singing with a band here in Austin. Anti-war, angry politics, a drug-induced acid haze of...”
"Really Grandma. Just say no, right? Drugs are bad." Brian interjects half-heart
edly.
"Sure sweetie, whatever you say." Jane rolls her eyes and gets a good laugh from the table.
Stephanie checks out during this story of wartime romance. She notices that Anna’s wine is untouched, John’s too. Stephanie debates asking Anna if she is pregnant, straight out. This is not a typical situation and needs to be handled delicately. Delicate is not necessarily Stephanie’s forte. Maybe John is on the wagon and Anna is supporting him. He definitely drinks too much when stress and anxiety pull at him. Or Anna is pregnant. The assessment of all that means rolls Stephanie’s stomach in fear. It’s too much for him, she thinks. Oh my god we'll lose him again.
Jane finishes her story, adding, "He was gone for 14 months. I was afraid every day he wouldn't come back. We haven't spent a single night apart since. Fourteen months was enough time apart for a lifetime.” She pauses and finishes her story properly. “The end."
Clara starts the applause, appreciating a well-told story. After some hoots and whistles, Brian asks. “Have you seen much of Lynn?"
"You knew Lynn?” Anna asks.
"Way back when I did. We all did. Twenty-five years ago we spent summer nights sitting around bonfires together, singing songs, smoking pot...potatoes. Kids why don't y'all go put on a movie. Keep it clean."
The boys and Clara run off clearing the way for more adult conversation.
"Really? John, our same Lynn?" Anna asks, looking a little confused.
John nods. "We have been spending some time together. She sort of introduced us actually." He tells about the switching of the keys. "That was a great day!" John can't help but send a wink her way. Anna blows him a kiss in return. Stephanie watches the easy love between them and wonders if there is a baby on the way. Jane glances uneasily at Stephanie. Stephanie needs to hide her tension better. She knows Jane can see it there on her face, just below the surface. Jane’s smile is a little forced. Jane follows Stephanie’s eyes and notices the untouched wine glasses as well. Stephanie’s eyes meet Jane’s eyes and then Conrad’s too and the pregnancy is a secret no more.
"John, how is our Lynn doing now?" Conrad asks lightly, intentionally.
John speaks with some hesitation. "She never married and lived with her parents until they died. She runs Beach Coast Realty on her own and the Daniels Family Cemetery. She never left Osprey Island. She literally never left Osprey Island. I think she is an agoraphobic with unusual boundaries. She has been a good friend to me. We talk a lot."
Anna’s eyebrows crease in confusion. Stephanie wonders why.
“Oh that poor sweet girl.” Conrad says shaking his head.
Jane and Stephanie remain silent. Stephanie knows that Jane is in close contact with Lynn. Jane keeps very few secrets from Conrad, but she didn’t tell him that she and Lynn were selecting neighbors for John this summer together. Jane knows her son. She knew love would bring him back. Stephanie wasn’t so sure the meddling was a good idea, but when she met Anna in July, she knew Jane had been right about everything.
"Anna, what do you say we do these dishes together since we enjoyed the afternoon on our butts while they cooked. It will give us a little sister time?" Stephanie asks.
"Certainly."
They turn down Conrad's offer to help. "Just us girls tonight," Stephanie says and wraps her arm around Anna's waist.
"Come on Johnny, let's go play some old sixties shit for the lovebirds," Brian says and everyone heads to the music room downstairs, leaving Anna and Stephanie wrapping leftovers and rinsing dishes.
"You are quiet this evening," Anna comments to Stephanie.
"Just tired. All that time on the road," Stephanie says with a forced smile.
"Stephanie, do you know where I might find an antacid? That was a lot of food." Oh fuck Stephanie screams inside her own head, pulling a bottle of Tums from a cabinet and handing it over.
After dishes are done, Anna and Stephanie go down to join the concert in the music room. The kids are singing Beatles songs and playing drums. Everyone gets a set of sticks. Brian and John are strumming for them on guitars. Stephanie sits down by Jane and tries to determine the best way to proceed. Jane takes Stephanie’s hand and pats her leg to the rhythm of the music, seemingly playfully, but also letting Stephanie know with a smile and a tilt of the head towards Anna, that she understands.
Anna says her goodnights and heads upstairs wondering if all of this can possibly be for real. These people, this setting, this way of growing up. Is it possible that people live with this love and kindness? She finds it almost unimaginable. John is flourishing like a dry sapling in the warm shower of his family. Anna watches his ease and happiness, and feels a greater distance than she felt from him on the island.
Anna knew that John and Lynn knew each other as kids but it sounded like more at dinner. They have a real history together. Anna had assumed that John was reaching out to Lynn, to help a lovely woman. Now she thinks she might have gotten that wrong. Lynn might have been supplementing John’s need for interaction, friendship and honesty. She may have stepped in where Anna fell short. Anna feels betrayed that John needed more and he found it.
Anna locks the bedroom door and draws a bath, leaving the bathroom door ajar. She steps into the cool water for a refreshing soak. September in Texas is hot and dry. Minutes later, John knocks on the bedroom door. Anna doesn't answer. She is angry. Was he deceptive at the beach? Is there more she doesn’t know about him and tomorrow she is marrying him? Of course there is more, but that isn’t really the problem. As John reconnects with his family and friends, like Lynn, he won’t need her anymore. She hears John enter the bedroom and knows he’ll come right to the bathroom, worried that she didn’t open the bedroom door.
"Anna?" he asks pushing the open door wide and finding her in the tub.
She knows he hasn’t seen a woman in a bathtub since Sarah. His face immediately goes blank as he falls to his knees, pulling Anna roughly from the tub.
"John, no. I'm okay. Stop. It's okay." She tries to get him to hear her, holding his face, trying to find his eyes. He pulls her from the water, dragging her onto him. After a moment, he comes back to her, realizes what he has done, and leaves Anna sitting on the bathroom rug. Anna hears the bedroom door close hard. She wraps herself in a towel and waits for him on the window seat. He returns after an hour.
"John, I'm so sorry. I didn't think,” she says, trying to meet his eyes, even though she is lying. She knew how he would react. She needed him to react that way.
"I have to stop this shit. Did I hurt you?" John can’t look at her.
Instead of answering with words, she lets the towel go and helps him undress. She prefers this closeness to conversation. She wonders how badly he is going to let her hurt him. She pulls him on top of her and wraps legs as tightly around him as she can. She wants to climb right inside of him. Not just in body. She opens her mouth to his to create a point where they can join. When he enters her there is another. As she moves with him inside her, pulling him deeper and deeper, she wonders how she can be without him and how he can be without her. She comes with him, knowing she doesn't want to leave him. She needs this too much to be without him. Later, they move to the bed and hold each other. She climbs on top of him and grinds her love into him. He never takes his eyes from hers. She wonders what he can see in her.
Seven
The next morning Anna wakes to an empty bed. She hears the distant buzzing hive of table deliveries, caterers, flowers and who knows what else. The party begins at noon and she is on strict instructions from Stephanie and Jane to laze the morning away.
Jane knocks and opens the door. Stephanie carries a breakfast tray. "Hey there! Happy wedding day! Hungry?" Stephanie places a tray on the bed beside Anna. Jane sits down and hands Anna the coffee.
"Yes, thank you," Anna sips the coffee and then trades it for the juice.
Stephanie pulls Anna’s hair to one side, trying an ‘up-do.’ Can I play around with your hair? We can freshen up your nails too."
“Yes, I
’d like that. I was going to wear it down, but I am not very creative."
"I’m from Dallas. I’m all about the hair.”
Jane points to the closet “Look at this dress. It’s just gorgeous!"
Anna and John visited a vintage shop in the city and Anna found a beautiful pure classic white tea length dress with a simple halter top, leaving Anna’s neck and shoulders bare.
"What's John wearing?" Stephanie asks.
"He has a white linen suit. Very dapper.”
"Anna, can we get serious for just a quick minute?" Stephanie glances to Jane. Anna senses something going on between them and her heart starts to pound.
Anna nods, eyes darting back and forth between them, heart in her throat. "Of course. What's on your minds?"
Stephanie starts, "Anna I'm not sure if you know that I am an unbelievable litigator."
"John mentioned that."
"Well, he should know! I’ll tell you all about how I kicked his ass in court another time. Part of the reason I am so good is that I read people very well. But that isn't uncommon for litigators. What makes me great is that I understand what motivates people. I figure out their whys."
Anna puts down her toast, stomach turning. “Go on Stephanie.”
"Anna I am way overstepping here, but I think you'll forgive me. I’m just going to say this right out. Okay?”
Anna nods, anxious for whatever it is to be out already.
“I think you’re staying in New York to put some distance between you and John because you are pregnant and you know what that could mean for him. What that could mean for all of us. He just isn't ready to go through it again."
Anna is silent. Stephanie is surprisingly good at understanding Whys.
Jane takes over, "Anna we would shut up about it and let you work it out with him. It is between the two of you after all. Except for one thing Anna. Who do you have? Who is going to look after you? We have John and Clara covered. But you can't have a baby alone. We want to be there for you, too."
Circling The Shadows Page 18