Baby on the Way

by Lois Richer

  Jordan stared perplexedly at her. “Used your books?”

  Caitlin realized he wasn’t following her meaning. How could he? Jordan had a big, loving family. He was far too involved with his life to need the illusions fairy stories would provide. Besides, Jordan always dealt in the here and now, in reality.

  “When people, teenagers especially, don’t have a real sense of security, they often move into a fantasy life. Mine was in books. And food.” There was no way to describe those deep, secret longing for happiness, she decided.

  “But Lyn,” he protested. “You were smarter than anyone else in school. You were years ahead in most subjects.”

  “Yes. But that wasn’t as great as it seemed. When you add to my insecurities the fact that I was two grades ahead of my peers, had nothing in common with my classmates and that I was overweight to boot, well—” she grimaced “—it wasn’t a solution for successfully handling what life throws at you. I ended up hiding the real me and falling miles behind my peers in developing my own personality.”

  “How did you figure all this out?”

  “I talked to a counselor back in my undergrad days. She helped me see that I was compensating for losing my parents. Her words, not mine.”

  Jordan shook his head. “I can’t believe I didn’t see anything,” he muttered. “I was in the same school. I even worked on the same newspaper.”

  Caitlin grinned. “And all you saw was the brain, right?” It was reassuring to see the glint of teasing in his dark eyes. She brushed his arm with her hand.

  “Don’t worry about it, Jordan. You were a teenager, not my adviser. You had your own problems.” She wished she hadn’t let it all out, let him see how insecure she’d been. It was time to lighten up. She peered up through her lashes. “I can’t seem to remember you suffering from anything other than girl problems!”

  His face grew darker then and she laughed at his chagrin.

  “Ten years later and you’re still embarrassed about being the school heartthrob?”

  “Listen. I had problems like everyone else. But I sought my counsel in the Bible.”

  “Oh, please. I do not want to hear about that!”

  Jordan removed his glasses, wiping the lenses with his napkin as he glared at her, golden eyes filled with warning. “Fine. But I think,” he said firmly, “that’s enough talk about me. Let’s hear how things are going at the house. Did you get the baby’s room finished?”

  “Nag, nag, nag. No, I did not. I’ve been busy.”

  “Doing what?”

  “I’m helping out a friend.” She avoided his eyes.

  “Not Clayton Matthews?” He frowned when she nodded. “Again? What is it that the two of you are doing, anyway?”

  “Oh, I’m just showing him a few things.”

  Caitlin had no desire to explain how totally clueless the farmer was when it came to matters of the heart. Not that she had any great knowledge! But anyone could learn to dance and socialize and Clayton did seem desperate to gain the attention of Maryann. He just hadn’t had much success in relaxing in her company.

  “Showing him?” Jordan’s eyes darkened. “What do you need to show a man like him?”

  “He’s very shy. I’m just trying to help him get over that so he can ask someone out.” Caitlin glanced around the room, hoping he’d drop the subject.

  “Maybe I should talk to Clayton. Give him another man’s perspective.”

  “No!” Caitlin immediately lowered her voice, fully aware of the interested stares from the other patrons. “Clay would never forgive me if he thought I’d told anyone about this!”

  Jordan put his fork down and studied her face intently. His forehead furrowed in a frown. “I don’t like any of this, Lyn. You insisted I help you, and I’ve tried to keep my family out of the way. But my mother’s been asking a lot of questions and it’s getting harder to put her off. She keeps wanting to know if you’re going out with anyone, if you’re having dinner alone, if you need some odd job done. That kind of thing.”

  “You have to put her off. If she finds out about Clayton and me she’ll get involved and that would ruin everything.” The very thought of Eliza jumping in to match up two reticent people like Clayton and Maryann made her cringe.

  “Mom might be able to help.”

  Caitlin shook her head firmly. “Uh-uh. No offense, Jordan, but your mother couldn’t keep a secret if her lips were taped shut and her hands were tied behind her back.” She smiled to show she wasn’t serious, not completely anyway. “It’s important to me.”

  “Important to you?” Jordan’s glowering face was full of questions. “Just what is this man to you, Caitlin?” The chill in his voice set her hackles raising.

  “Oh, for Pete’s sake! Not you, too.” She whooshed out a breath of disgust and straightened. “I’ve already got half the town plotting to match the Widows of Wintergreen up with some unsuspecting male. If they guess why Clayton…” She shook her head, her imagination taking over.

  “I’m not trying to match anyone up,” Jordan growled. “But you spend hours with the man. Good grief, what are we supposed to think?”

  “You’re supposed to think that I’m trying to help him get up enough nerve to ask out the woman he’s loved for years! That woman is Maryann MacGregor, not me. And you’re supposed to believe it because that’s what I told you.” Caitlin tamped down her indignation.

  Small towns, she thought with disgust. Everybody was always trying to make something out of nothing. It was so frustrating. If they kept this up, Maryann would soon notice Clayton’s comings and goings! Caitlin suspected her friend wouldn’t appreciate her efforts, no matter how kindly they were meant.

  Maryann had been in the limelight too long. She’d returned to Oakburn with the intention of leaving the cameras behind. Caitlin shuddered to think how upset the shy, reserved woman would be if she knew people had been talking about her.

  “I suppose the next thing will be finding someone for Beth Ainslow?” Jordan pushed his plate away, his eyebrows drawn together.

  Caitlin took a sip of water, unsure whether to tell him her thoughts or not. He didn’t seem very sympathetic. And besides, what did he care if she was busy the rest of her life?

  “I don’t know if there’s a lot I can do for Beth. She’s very kind, very bouncy, very…” she searched for the right word “…up. But she’s hiding behind that. It’s not easy to get her to talk about personal things.”

  “Sounds like normal reserve to me.”

  She ignored that. “Besides, Garrett Winthrop is still nursing a grudge. It’s not going to be easy to get him to forgive and forget.”

  Jordan’s gaze settled on her, something glinting in their depths. When he finally spoke his voice seemed faraway. “Sometimes it’s just not that easy to forget the past.” One hand reached out to brush a lock of hair away from his eye. “Sometimes the past looks a whole lot better than the future.”

  Caitlin frowned, wondering what he was talking about. Did he mean Garrett and Beth, or was he talking about the two of them and the fact that when she’d needed him, he’d sent Michael to her.

  “Jordan, I…” She didn’t know how to tell him what was in her heart, didn’t know whether he regretted his actions or not. Maybe it was best to leave things be.

  “Sorry.” His voice was low and apologetic. “Let’s change the subject. What are you planning for tomorrow? You don’t have weekend clients, do you?”

  “No.” She shook her head and then waited while their server set down the steaming platters of lasagna. “Oh, this is great. I’m starving!”

  He grinned. “So what’s new? What about this girl you mentioned earlier?”

  “Addie. She’s making progress but it’s slow. She doesn’t feel very secure in herself and that causes a lot of problems.”

  “I thought you said her father was some wealthy businessman? She doesn’t have to worry about money or security.” He frowned. “What does bother her?”

  “It’s c
omplicated, Jordan.” She shrugged, neglecting to mention that Addie’s problems made her reflect on her own. “I’m still studying her, but basically she just doesn’t feel loved and she’s trying to get her father to prove he does.”

  “Ah.” He nodded with understanding then sprinkled Parmesan cheese liberally over his pasta. “Her father’s away a lot, I suppose?”

  “A whole lot. He tends to use his secretary as Addie’s mother and she, of course, feels abandoned so she tries to prove that she’s worth loving.” Ouch, this was getting too close to home. Caitlin clamped her lips closed and concentrated on her food.

  Jordan was silent for a long time, picking at his lasagna absently as he considered her words. When he finally looked up there was a softness about the chiseled features.

  “You know, I grew up in a home where my parents treated us as people, a part of the circle of their love in spite of our faults. Somehow I never felt I had to measure up to anyone. I always felt they just wanted me to be the best me I could be. They seemed happy with that.”

  His eyes stared ahead unseeingly. “I realize now just how much of a gift that acceptance was when I hear you talk about this Addie.” His glance shifted to Caitlin.

  She could almost hear him say “and you.”

  “But I can’t help feelings that Addie needs someone to rely on. Someone who will be there for her when she runs out of her own power. I think she needs to find someone to put her trust in. Someone who won’t let her down. I think she needs God.”

  “I don’t think religion is going to solve all of Addie’s problems, Jordan.” Caitlin heard the skeptical tones in her own voice and mentally winced. There was no point in offending him just because she had a problem with God.

  “No, not a religion. A relationship with God. And I’m not saying all her problems will disappear. But when you look at it, none of us are really great human beings. We need someone to depend on. Everybody has some little flaw they try to hide from other people.”

  Caitlin grinned. Opportunities like these weren’t to be passed up. “Even you?”

  “Yes, even me, I suppose. Though I don’t have many and most of them have already been corrected.”

  She chuckled, enjoying the repartee she’d missed for so long. “Your sisters think there’s work to be done.”

  He sniffed. “They should take care of their own colossal imperfections before looking at my few faults.” He slid a hand onto the table, his face growing serious. “Everyone needs to know that there is someone there, to trust in and to believe that they’ll come through.”

  “That’s what I just said. You’ve learned to deal with life.” Caitlin savored the rich tomato flavor, happy that she’d given in to his persuasion and come along. This was very relaxing.

  “No, Caitlin, it’s more than just ‘dealing with life.’” Jordan hunched over the table, his fingers entwining together as he tried to make her see his point.

  “I don’t have to worry about pleasing someone else all the time, trying to fit his or her mold, because I’ve already learned that I am important to God. That’s the first big hurdle to acceptance.”

  He ignored her arched eyebrow. “The difference is that this Addie sounds like she’s trying to get through everything on her own. She can’t do it. Or if she can, it will only last for a while. People need God and other Christians in their lives to help validate them and the choices they make.”

  “And what about when those Christians fail?” Caitlin wasn’t talking about Addie’s father now. This issue was a little too close to home. She had a feeling Jordan knew it, too.

  “Everyone fails now and then. It’s called being human. You get up and move on.”

  Caitlin bristled, realizing he was directing some of his comments at her. It was so easy for him. He didn’t have to worry about being alone, depending on himself, making mistakes. There was always a crowd of people hovering around in the Andrewses’ household.

  “Not everyone has dependable people in their lives, Jordan. And sometimes the people you do depend on leave you high and dry.”

  Jordan nodded. “Quite often, in fact. That’s the beauty of having faith. Things will work out. You just have to be patient and trust that God has something special for you. You have to trust Him.”

  Caitlin paused before she said anything. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but neither could she just let this pass. “Jordan, I don’t think I believe that anymore. Michael’s gone. It’s not going to get better.” She sipped her ice water in an effort to control the frustration that whirled within.

  “God let me down with Michael, just like He did with my parents all those years ago. They died, my aunt died, and Michael died. God could have stopped it, but He didn’t. And no amount of faith is going to bring them back. Now I’ve got to learn to stand on my own two feet.”

  Jordan was silent for a few minutes, obviously deep in thought. She reared in surprise when his next words came.

  “Caitlin, would you believe God hadn’t let you down if Michael had survived the crash and was lying in the hospital in a coma?”

  “It’s hypothetical,” she murmured. “But at least there might be some hope.”

  “Even if the doctors said he would never regain consciousness?”

  Caitlin shuddered. “No, I wouldn’t want him to just lie there, with no possibility of ever waking up.”

  Jordan nodded. “Would you feel better if Michael had lived but been paralyzed, then?”

  She hated this. “I don’t know.”

  “What if he was in constant agony, but still alive?”

  “I’ve said I don’t know,” she replied tersely, laying her fork on the table. “Why do you keep asking me these awful questions?”

  “Because we can’t second-guess life, Lyn. And, no matter how much we want it, we will never know why Michael died. No explanations, just reality.”

  “It’s awfully hard to accept that.” She bit her lip.

  “Yes, it is hard,” he agreed. “But we can get through it. With God’s help. And friends.” He cleared his throat. “I miss my brother every day. But I know that where he is has to be a far better place. I have to let God take care of him and get on with my life. Someday I’ll see him again in heaven.”

  His smile lit up his eyes as he spoke and Caitlin found herself mesmerized by the lilt in his voice.

  “You see, Lyn, the difference is where we put our faith. You want to put yours in yourself. You think if you do enough, be enough, work hard enough, you’ll be okay. But if something knocks you down, your house of cards tumbles and it takes a long time to rebuild.”

  “And?” She avoided his eyes.

  “I put my faith in God. He’s all powerful, all knowing, all seeing. We make a strong team. What I can’t handle, He does. And He gives me faith in myself and my friends.” His hand covered hers. “When I get bowled over by life, He’s still there, waiting to help me up.”

  Caitlin reconsidered Jordan’s words as they finished dinner and then during the short silent car ride home. She continued to think about things long after he’d brushed her cheek with a friendly kiss and left her inside her door.

  Was she really strong enough to be everything to her child when she herself-felt so needy?

  The answer was simple. She had to be.

  But how?

  Caitlin brushed the problem away, unwilling to probe that question too deeply. Grabbing a nearby pad of paper, she began to list the essentials that had to be completed before the baby arrived. This, at least, she could get a grip on, she told herself. This was under her control.

  Chapter Five

  Saturday morning dawned bright and clear. It would be the last really good day of autumn, Caitlin decided, eyeing the baby’s nursery with dismay.

  Where had the time gone? She had intended to have Wintergreen, her apartment, and especially the baby’s room, ready at least a month ago. With a little more than a month before her due date, it was high past time to get the painting done. And the
weather had provided the perfect opportunity to do so. The unseasonably sunny, clear day meant she could open the windows and allow the nontoxic paint fumes to escape while she worked.

  But before she could even begin, she was interrupted by a knock on the front door.

  Jordan asked her as he stepped inside, “What are you going to do this fine day, Mrs. Andrews?”

  “I’m painting the baby’s room.” She ignored his gasp and stepped around his big frame to walk toward the nursery.

  “Caitlin, you can’t paint a room in your condition,” he admonished her loudly, following behind.

  “I can paint if I want to! I have to get it done before the baby arrives.” There he was, bossing her around again.

  “Yes, but breathing paint fumes isn’t—”

  “Mr. Becker at the hardware store said the paint I chose doesn’t have that problem.” She glared at him furiously. “I’m not totally helpless, Jordan. Good grief, even I can paint a room.”

  “Can I help?”

  “Jordan, I’m not helpless. I can do this.” She stopped when his head started shaking.

  “Yeah, I know that,” he told her, staring down at his shoes. “It’s just that, well, uh…” he cleared his husky voice.

  Caitlin stared, unsure of this new side of him. She had never seen Jordan so at a loss for words before.

  “I just thought, maybe I could be, well, part of the preparations? You know? Help get things ready for my new little niece or nephew.”

  His eyes had melted to a deep bronze. They were soft and molten like liquid gold. She saw tenderness but no pity.

  “Kind of, well, step in for Mike.”

  The softly spoken pledge tugged at her heart. Jordan wasn’t bullying or ordering now. He just wanted to be a part of things. Against her better judgment, she gave in.

  “Okay,” she agreed finally. “But no telling me how to do things. I have something in mind and you’re not changing it, Jordan. Not one little bit!”