Baby on the Way

by Lois Richer

  “Close enough.” He grinned as she subsided with a sigh, then pressed a kiss to the top of her head and just managed to dodge the pillow she chucked at him. “And don’t move or I’ll give the chicken to someone else. See you in a bit.”

  “When I sell this sofa and get something I can get in and out of, you’re going to be sorry.” She shifted again, then sighed in resignation. “Threats,” she called as he walked out of the apartment. “That’s what you always use.”

  “That’s because they work,” he called back.

  As usual Jordan got the last word in.

  He was so easy, so much fun, so comfortable to be around. It couldn’t be wrong to love a man like that?

  Could it?

  Chapter Ten

  “I take it that waiting a week to get here was worthwhile?” Jordan escorted her out of the posh restaurant, a smile tugging at his mouth. “Chez Lee lived up to your expectations?”

  Caitlin smiled as she grasped his helping hand and eased herself into his car. “It was excellent. I don’t know when I’ve enjoyed myself more. Thank you, Jordan.”

  He didn’t answer her until he was inside the car beside her and had eased the vehicle into traffic.

  “You’re welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I was a little worried about you there for a minute,” he joked, his eyes sparkling. “The waiter couldn’t do enough. I’m sure he personally inspected every mouthful you ate. But when the maitre d’ started hovering, with the dessert tray in his hands, I wondered if we shouldn’t ask for some carryout.”

  Caitlin pursed her lips, considering the idea. “Hey, you should have suggested it.” Then she shook her head. “No, better not. But I find I get that a lot lately. I call it the kid-glove treatment. There’s a real advantage to being pregnant, you know.”

  Jordan nodded his agreement. His mouth opened, then closed, as if he thought better of his reply. Instead, he turned on the CD player and tapped one forefinger against the wheel in tune to a concerto.

  It only took a few minutes, then they were pulling up in front of Wintergreen. Caitlin waited for Jordan’s assistance. Once out of the car, she wrapped her arm in his as they walked up the driveway.

  “You look very pleased with yourself.” He opened the door, waited for her to go in, then closed it, watching her curiously.

  Caitlin grinned as she unlocked her apartment. She pushed open the door. “I feel wonderful,” she enthused. “Spoiled and pampered and utterly coddled.”

  He grinned. “Wonderful is one of your favorite words tonight, it seems.” His golden eyes sparkled with fun. “Well, it was a wonderful evening!”

  “Don’t hold back Jordan. Forget modesty and humility. Tell me how you really feel,” Caitlin teased in return, brushing her knuckles across his lean cheek.

  It was meant to be funny, but the tension in the room suddenly increased tenfold when he caught her fingers and pressed them to his mouth.

  “All right, I will.” The words were soft. In the glow of the single lamp she could see only shadows as they moved across his face. His eyes were darkgold, molten, burning her in their intensity. He set her boots aside but stayed kneeling there.

  “I’m in love with you, Lyn. I have been for a long time. I want to marry you.” He lifted his hand up into the light, snapping open the lid of a black velvet box.

  Caitlin gasped at the glittering magnificence that sparkled out at her. It was an exquisite diamond, pearshaped and perched atop a wide gold band. Slowly she tore her eyes from it to the man who knelt in front of her.

  “M-marry you?”

  “Yes. I want to be able to come home to you every night, to stay here with you, instead of lying at home, alone, wondering if you’re all right, if you need me. I want to be here for you and the baby. I want us to live and love and laugh together until the end. I love you, Lyn.”

  It sounded great, wonderful, inviting. It was the kind of fairy-tale life she had always wanted and never found.

  It was too good to be true.

  “Jordan, I don’t know what to say.”

  “Yes would be nice.” He smiled that silly, crooked smile that tugged at her heartstrings. “Maybe would be almost acceptable.” He stopped when the tears began. “Don’t Caitlin. Don’t cry. Please?”

  “I’m sorry. I can’t help it. You’ve been marvelous, Jordan. So good to me when I was so cranky. And I’ve appreciated it more than you know. I don’t know how I would have managed without you and your family here.”

  “But?” He leaned back on his haunches, hands falling to his side, the ring lying in her lap. “There is a but, isn’t there?”

  “I can’t marry you, Jordan.” Dear Lord it hurt to say that, to see the flash of anguish cross his eyes.

  “Why?”

  She heard the anger in that single word and hated herself for causing him pain.

  “It wouldn’t be right.”

  “Are you nuts?” He grinned, throwing his arms wide. “It would be fantastic. I love you. I want to marry you. I want us to live together as husband and wife.”

  “I’m Michael’s wife.” The words came out cold and harsh, bursting his exuberant bubble.

  His eyes narrowed, lips stretched tight and thin.

  “Were! You were Michael’s wife. He’s gone, Lyn. But I’m here, alive. And I’m still in love with you.”

  “Still?” What was he saying? Caitlin didn’t know where to look or what to say. She hated to cause the hurt in his eyes and yet she simply couldn’t marry him. Not with fear clinging to her like yesterday’s news.

  “I’ve loved you for years.” His hands closed around her face, his palms firm against her cheeks as he forced her to look at him. “I loved you in high school, Caitlin.”

  “But you…” She avoided the yearning she saw hidden behind the playful banter and teasing familiarity. She couldn’t let herself feel that.

  “Look at me, Caitlin.” His hands tenderly forced her chin up, coaxing her to see what she wanted to have and didn’t dare take.

  “I loved you. But I was boring, wrapped up in my computers. I wasn’t the kind of boyfriend you needed. Michael was young and vibrant. You needed someone like him, someone who wasn’t dull and staid and too old for you. Someone who would help you to branch out, live a little.”

  “That’s why you dumped me? To give Michael a chance?”

  He nodded. “Yes. But also to give you a chance. I was older than you, Lyn. Sure you were brainy and two years ahead of your peers, but you needed that two years to mature. I wanted you to have that time, to sample life, go out with kids who’d have your interests.” He grimaced. “Computer nerds aren’t much fun.”

  She heard it all. Every word sank into her brain. But she couldn’t believe she hadn’t figured it out. Caitlin picked up the ring case and turned it round and round, then set it on the coffee table.

  “And you didn’t think you owed it to me to tell me?” Indignation reared its head. “You didn’t think I had enough brains and common sense to tell you whom I preferred?”

  “It was pretty obvious, wasn’t it?” Jordan’s damning words cut her protests short. “You started going out with him two days after I told you I couldn’t see you anymore.”

  “Do you know why?” Caitlin resisted the temptation to touch him.

  “I went out with Michael so I could see you. That’s why. I thought seeing you like that was better than nothing. So yes, I went out with him, I went to the football games with him, I came over for dinner as often as I could. I let myself be included in your family because I couldn’t pull away.”

  For once in his life Jordan Andrews appeared to have nothing to say.

  “Eventually you went away to college and Michael and I were chumming around more and more. When we graduated, we chose the same college, took some of the same classes. We even rode home together at vacation.”

  “And eventually you fell in love. Right?” Hurt shimmered in Jordan’s golden gaze. His hands clenched in his lap, belying the smile on his
face. “I knew it would happen.”

  “It didn’t happen right away. It sort of grew on us. Michael was all the things I wasn’t and, I admit, I liked that. He wasn’t afraid of anything. Life was like a big game to him and he was determined not to miss a thing.”

  She fell into a reverie, thinking about the many heated disagreements they’d had over his carefree attitude. How many times had she chided him for skipping an afternoon of work in order to fly a kite in the park or drive to the beach for a swim? How many times had he coaxed her away from her post-grad studies to go to a party or plan tennis or anything else that took his fancy?

  “Caitlin, Michael is gone.”

  “Do you think I don’t know that?” Caitlin slowly got up, stepped past him and walked to the window, staring out at the cold, black night. “It was my fault he died. Mine.”

  “It wasn’t! He drove too fast under conditions that were not suitable. He took my car and even I know it was an accident.” He stood behind her, not touching her.

  As she stood there, Caitlin could feel the heat from his body, the sizzle that flickered between their minds every time Jordan came into the room. It had been the same back then.

  “The night before he died we had an argument. Michael was angry at me, very angry. He said I was trying to hide from life.”

  She drew in a deep breath and turned to face Jordan.

  “Michael asked me if I’d married him so I could live vicariously through him. He asked me if I didn’t think I’d have been better off with you. Safer.”

  She could hear him suck in his breath and winced at the suffering she’d caused. But she couldn’t stop now. She wouldn’t.

  “I told him I loved him. I told him I only wanted to be married to him. To be his wife. I promised I’d never be a drag on him again. I was so scared he’d leave, I would have promised him anything. Anyway, he said he forgave me. The next day he borrowed your car. The police say he was driving too fast for conditions.”

  “And you think that he took some extra risks just to prove that he could handle things?” Jordan shook his head. “It isn’t true, Lyn. Michael had been driving that way for years. Dad used to lecture him on it, but Michael always laughed it off—said he knew what he was doing.”

  Caitlin shivered as the icy cold draft from the window washed over her. She’d have to get new storm windows, she decided absently.

  “That doesn’t matter. The point is, if he hadn’t felt he had to prove that he could take risks and survive, I don’t think he would have gone. My husband may have gone to his death believing I never loved him. That’s what nags at me.” She swallowed down her tears and turned to face him. “There could never be anything between us, Jordan. It would be like betraying Michael’s trust in me. I told him I loved him.”

  She wondered about that now, wondered if she’d really loved him the way she should have.

  “Lyn, you were always faithful to Michael. You loved him the best you knew. You were his wife. You didn’t betray him by urging caution.”

  “How can you be so sure?” Caitlin jerked her head up to glare at him. “How can you know that? I don’t.”

  “But—”

  “Every day I ask myself if I supported him the way he needed. Did I tell him that I loved him when I should have? Did he believe that I only wanted him, that there wasn’t anybody else for me by then? Was I telling the truth?” She shook her head.

  “I can’t be sure, Jordan. I can’t be sure. And I can’t help wondering if that’s why God took him, because I didn’t measure up.”

  There, it was said. The whole terrible awful truth. Let Jordan see how ugly her soul really was.

  She wasn’t surprised when Jordan didn’t say anything.

  “I thank you for your kindness and your friendship, Jordan. And I appreciate your help more than I can say. But friendship is all I can ever share with you.”

  “Like friendship is all you share with Clay and Garrett and all the others?”

  She heard the frustration in his voice and felt bad for it. But there was nothing she could do about it. There was no way he could ever make her believe that Michael’s death hadn’t been a punishment for her failures as a wife.

  “Clay and Gar are friends. And, thanks to you, I’m learning that I need friends in my life. But the past, the things that have happened to me, have made me who I am. I can’t ignore them, Jordan.”

  She knew he wanted to say something, that he was about to tell her off. But his pager beeped and would not be ignored. Minutes later, as if through a fog, Caitlin heard him agree to fly to Minneapolis.”

  “Caitlin?”

  She faced him.

  “I have to go. A very important client has just lost his entire system to a virus. I’ve got to see what I can do to help.”

  “Of course.” She forced a smile. “Go. Save the hard drive or whatever it is.”

  “I will.” He nodded. “But first I need to say something. Will you come and sit down?”

  She allowed him to press her into a chair and stayed there when he squatted in front of her. She even met his gaze when his hands closed around hers and little jolts of electricity shot up her arm.

  “Listen to me, Lyn. I haven’t got much time.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “I loved my brother. So did you. You were his wife and you did everything right. I know it, and I think deep down, you do too. Michael knew you loved him. I don’t believe he ever doubted it. Nor should you. You were the best possible wife a man could ask for.”

  She smiled blankly. They were just words. He had to say them. What else could he say?

  “But that was the past. I’m here now, Caitlin. Me. Jordan. And I love you here and now. There is nothing you could tell me, nothing you could say, that would change that love. And whether you believe in it or not doesn’t change the fact that I love you. I always will.”

  He grinned that irrepressible grin. One hand pushed a swath of hair back off her forehead. With his forefinger he traced the lines of her eyebrows, her nose, the curve of her mouth and the stubborn tilt of her chin.

  “You see, sweetheart, it’s kind of like God’s love for us. Whether we see Him or not, believe in Him or not, trust in Him or not, His love stays. Permanently. And there is nothing we can do to change that.”

  He stood then, sighed and moved away. One hand snagged his jacket and he flung it on. “It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to trust in me. It doesn’t matter when you call or what you ask of me, I’ll always be there for you. Always. After all this time, my love isn’t going to go away. It’s going to grow and grow and grow. And whenever you’re ready, I’ll be waiting. Okay?”

  When he didn’t move or look away she finally nodded.

  “There’s just one more thing, Lyn. Though I’d like to, I can’t be here all the time. So if you need help or assurance or just someone to calm the fear, you pray and ask God for help. He’ll be there. And He’ll answer. You just have to ask.”

  “Goodbye, Jordan.” Tears formed at the ends of her lashes, big, fat tears that she couldn’t control. “Thank you for everything you’ve done. Be safe.”

  “It’s not goodbye. I’ll be back, Lyn. You’ll see. But meanwhile, I’m leaving you in God’s hands. You couldn’t be safer.”

  Then he pulled her into his arms and pressed his lips on hers, kissing her with the purpose and intensity of a man who knows exactly what he wants and has no doubt he’ll attain it.

  “Goodbye, little mama. I love you.”

  “I love you, too, Jordan.” But there was no one to hear the whispered words. No one but the wind as it whistled in through the open door.

  Chapter Eleven

  “The weather office is warning everyone to stay off the roads this Tuesday afternoon as sleet and rain combine with snow and high winds to create a huge outdoor skating rink. The storm is expected to continue until well into tomorrow.”

  Great, Caitlin thought, as she shut off the television. She was stuck at home wi
thout a single soul for company.

  “It’s the perfect time for a little one-on-one with the kitchen,” she decided and pulled on a pair of rubber gloves. Two minutes later she was tugging one off to answer the phone.

  “I’m fine, Eliza. No, I haven’t been out. Beth is at the store and she intends to stay there overnight just in case the flower coolers go out. Maryann and her daughter are visiting out of town.”

  She paused and listened.

  “Really it’s fine. I’ve lots of food, plenty of wood for the fire, and several really good books. I’ll be snuggled in for the duration.”

  By the time she rang off, Eliza seemed satisfied that Caitlin was only a phone call away.

  “At least now she won’t get in her car and drive over here,” Caitlin muttered, rubbing a sore spot in the center of her back. Two minutes later she heaved herself up from scrubbing the baseboards to answer the phone again.

  “Yes, Robyn, your mother just called. Everything’s fine. No, I’m not doing anything too strenuous,” she lied. “Yes, I’ll be fine.”

  “Well, whatever you do, just sit tight and relax,” her sister-in-law ordered before she rang off.

  “I’d love to relax,” Caitlin muttered wryly. “But the phone keeps ringing.”

  With a determined nudge, the worry of being alone receded to the back of her mind. Once the kitchen was clean, she concentrated on removing the mildew from the grout in the bathroom.

  By six o’clock there was a glassy sheet of crystalclear ice in front of the house and down the street as far as she could see. Freezing cold rain dashed down to the ground, sticking to whatever substance it met. Caitlin cringed when she spied the power lines, sagging with their ice-encrusted load.

  “It can’t be that bad,” she told herself sternly. “Mr. Wilson just drove into his yard.”

  Unfortunately Mr. Wilson couldn’t stop and Caitlin winced as his car plowed into the perfect splendor of his beautiful new oak-paneled garage door.

  “That’s going to cost some money,” she murmured, watching as the elderly man carefully worked his way past the car and up the walk, slipping and sliding from side to side. “But at least he wasn’t hurt.”