Elegy

by Nick Payne

Carrie Is it about death?

  Lorna Will you let me read it to you?

  Carrie I will.

  Lorna

  ‘Day by nomadic day

  Our anniversaries go by,

  Dates anchored in an inner sky,

  To utmost ground, interior clay.

  It was September blue –’

  Carrie Lorna.

  Lorna ‘When I walked with you first, my love –’

  Carrie Lorna. Lorna.

  Lorna is adrift.

  Shall we go back inside?

  Lorna I’m sorry.

  Carrie I don’t mind, I’d just like us to go back inside.

  Lorna You’re angry.

  Carrie It’s very late.

  Lorna Don’t get angry with me.

  Carrie Darling, it’s really cold out here.

  Lorna Don’t get fucking angry with me.

  Carrie I’m not.

  Lorna Don’t talk to me like that.

  Carrie I wasn’t talking to you like anything.

  Lorna Fuck me if I’m not trying, Carrie.

  Carrie I know.

  Lorna You don’t know what this is like.

  Carrie Then let me help.

  Lorna Fuck …

  Carrie Can we go back inside?

  Lorna I’m sorry.

  Carrie I know, I understand, you don’t need to apologise.

  Lorna I don’t know what’s happening.

  Carrie You have a disease, you’re ill. That’s what’s happening. We know that.

  Lorna God, it’s fucking awful all this.

  Carrie I know.

  Lorna Isn’t it?

  Carrie It is.

  Lorna Fucking at sea, all this.

  Carrie I know, it’s awful, it’s shit. It’s a shitty disease.

  Lorna I’m sorry.

  Carrie Me too.

  Lorna It’s called ‘A Scattering’.

  Carrie Christ don’t tell me –

  Lorna Will you –

  Carrie Scattering, ashes, death, urns, funerals –

  Lorna Will you let me read it to you.

  Carrie Love, listen, I’m really really sorry, but I’m just not sure I want to hear –

  Lorna It’s beautiful I promise you, it’s beautiful.

  Carrie Is it about death?

  Lorna It’s about everything.

  Beat.

  ‘I expect you’ve seen the footage: elephants,

  Finding the bones of their own kind –’

  Carrie Jesus, Lorna –

  Lorna

  ‘– dropped by the wayside, picked clean by scavengers and the sun, then untidily left there

  decide to do something about it.’

  Carrie It’s a no.

  Lorna

  ‘But what, exactly? They can’t, of course,

  Reassemble the old elephant magnificence –’

  Carrie I’ve heard enough, please, come on. Who wants to hear about dead elephants at their –

  Lorna Let me finish!

  Carrie Finish what?

  Lorna Stop interrupting me.

  Carrie I haven’t.

  Lorna Fucking, you fucking –

  Carrie Lorna, please –

  Lorna Bitch, fucking, how dare you?

  Carrie Please, calm down.

  Lorna Who the fuck do you think you are? Huh?

  Carrie You need to stop shouting.

  Lorna You can’t, don’t you dare, you can’t tell me what to do. Fuck do you think you are? You Need To Start – Listening – To me. To me. Understood?

  Carrie I’d like to take you home. All right? That’s all I want to do.

  Lorna Can I get to the end? Please. I’m sorry. I know it’s a bit morbid, you’re right, it is a bit, but the ending – God, it’s just one of my favourites. Please.

  Carrie I’m listening.

  Lorna

  ‘That day will still exist

  Long after I have joined you where

  Rings radiate the dusty air

  And bangles bind each powdered wrist.

  Here comes that day again.

  What shall I do? Instruct me, dear,

  Longanimous encourager –’

  Carrie Big word.

  Lorna

  ‘Sweet soul in the athletic rain

  And wife now to the weather.’

  What do you think?

  Carrie It is really beautiful –

  Lorna See!

  Carrie But it is in the end about someone’s dead wife.

  Lorna I know, I know, but –

  Carrie Also I’m not sure I know what long … ani …?

  Lorna Longanimous.

  Carrie Yeah, what is that?

  Lorna It means, long-suffering, it means, resilient, endurance.

  Carrie Cheery.

  Lorna

  ‘Long after I have joined you where

  Rings radiate the dusty air

  And bangles bind each powdered wrist’ is fucking beautiful, Carrie.

  Carrie It is. No question. Why don’t we put it on the list?

  Lorna I think we should.

  Carrie Then let’s do that.

  Lorna Can we stop?

  Carrie Stop?

  Lorna …

  Carrie Stop what?

  Lorna I don’t know, sorry, I thought we were …

  Carrie Shall we go back to bed?

  Lorna Yeah, sorry, I don’t know what’s …

  Carrie It really doesn’t matter. As long as you’re all right.

  Lorna Well, I’m not all right I’m fucking dying, but –

  Carrie I meant in the short term.

  Lorna I know you did, I was being ‘humorous’.

  Carrie Is that what it was?

  Lorna What are we going to do?

  Carrie I promise to make more of an effort to find you amusing.

  Lorna In the long term, I’m being serious.

  Carrie Do we have to be serious right now?

  Lorna Seems as good a time as any.

  Carrie What are we going to do about what?

  Lorna My ailing mind.

  Carrie I’m going to be your longanimous encourager.

  Lorna No I’m the longanimous encourager. The dead wife is the longanimous encourager.

  Carrie Who says?

  Lorna You’re sidestepping.

  Carrie I don’t know what you want me to say.

  Lorna It’s going to get much worse.

  Carrie I know.

  Lorna I’ll be a shitting pissing mess.

  Carrie So what?

  Lorna I wouldn’t want to look after you if you were a shitting pissing mess.

  Carrie Well then, it’s a good thing I’m not you.

  Lorna Carrie –

  Carrie What are you doing, why are you talking about this –

  Lorna Because –

  Carrie Talking like this –

  Lorna Because –

  Carrie I know it’s going to be God-awful, the stuff of fucking nightmares, last thing I need is you rubbing it in my face, thank you very much –

  Lorna I’m not rubbing it in your face, I’m trying to have a serious conversation.

  Carrie Well then, yeah, maybe I don’t, maybe I’m not ready to have that discussion.

  Lorna What about a double suicide?

  Carrie Fuck off, Lorna, that isn’t even –

  Lorna It’s a joke, I come in peace, it was a joke.

  Carrie All right I think I’ve got one.

  Lorna Really?

  Carrie I think, yeah, I mean I think so.

  Lorna What’s it called?

  Carrie It’s called ‘Wedding’.

  Lorna Isn’t that a bit on the nose?

  Carrie Listen.

  Lorna Where is it taken from?

  Carrie A book.

  Lorna Yes but which book?

  Carrie It’s from an anthology.

  Lorna It’s not a poem you know?

  Carrie I found it in a, don’t be such a snob.<
br />
  Lorna I think the readings should mean something.

  Carrie Shut up and listen.

  Lorna I’ve cut myself.

  Carrie What?

  Lorna I’ve cut myself.

  Carrie Where?

  Lorna I’ve cut myself.

  Carrie Let me see.

  Beat.

  Lorna. Can I see, can I look?

  Lorna I’m sorry, I don’t know where I am.

  Carrie You’re home.

  Lorna I’m really petrified, Carrie.

  Carrie Yes.

  Lorna What?

  Carrie Yes I know you are.

  Lorna And you, what are you up to?

  Carrie I’m afraid as well.

  Lorna Would you like to go?

  Carrie Go?

  Lorna Leave, leave me.

  Carrie What on earth are you talking about?

  Lorna Eventually it won’t make any difference anyway.

  Carrie Lorna, come on –

  Lorna I won’t be able to tell the difference eventually.

  Carrie Enough, all right, that’s enough.

  Lorna This is the closing-down sale.

  Carrie You’re being an idiot.

  Lorna Last chance.

  Carrie Shut up, what’s the matter with you, I’m not going anywhere.

  Lorna Then get ready to watch me dwindle away.

  Carrie Stop talking.

  Lorna Are you, though, are you ready for that?

  Carrie Lorna –

  Lorna Are you though?

  Carrie Yes.

  Lorna You are?

  Carrie Yes!

  Lorna Hollow shell –

  Carrie I don’t care.

  Lorna Give it time.

  Carrie You’re being an idiot.

  Lorna You’ll look back, you’ll look back on this moment –

  Carrie Shut the –

  Lorna You will, you watch, you’ll look back, and you’ll think –

  Carrie Lorna –

  Lorna And think, you’ll think: why didn’t I take her up on her offer?

  Carrie I’m gonna throw something at you.

  Lorna Should’ve gone, should’ve left you’ll be saying to yourself –

  Carrie What is the matter with you?! Stop it! Stop talking! FUCK.

  Lorna grows upset. Beat.

  Do you want me to read it to you or not?

  Lorna What?

  Carrie Shall I read it to you?

  Lorna I do.

  Carrie

  ‘From time to time our love is like a sail

  and when the sail begins to alternate

  from tack to tack, it’s like a swallowtail

  and when the swallow flies it’s like a coat;

  and if the coat is yours, it has a tear

  like a wide mouth and when the mouth begins

  to draw the wind, it’s like a trumpeter

  and when the trumpet blows, it blows like millions –’

  Lorna This doesn’t make any sense.

  Carrie

  ‘and this, my love, when millions come and go

  beyond the need of us, is like a trick;

  and when the trick begins, it’s like a toe

  tip-toeing on a rope, which is like luck;

  and when the luck begins –

  Lorna What are you doing?

  Carrie

  it’s like a wedding,

  which is like love, which is like –’

  Lorna What are you doing?

  Carrie What?

  Lorna Just now, what were you doing?

  Carrie I was praying.

  Lorna Why?

  Carrie Please don’t take the piss out of me.

  Lorna I am not. I want to know.

  Carrie I’m frightened.

  Lorna What are you frightened about?

  Carrie What do you think?

  Lorna What are you after?

  Carrie What?

  Lorna Is there something specific you’re after? From you-know-who.

  Carrie This and that. Bit of guidance.

  Lorna And? Has you-know-who been at all forthcoming?

  Carrie I asked you not to take the piss.

  Lorna And I am not.

  Carrie The conversation is somewhat one-way at the moment.

  Lorna That’s a shame.

  Carrie Maybe.

  Lorna What are you going to do?

  Carrie Keep at it.

  Lorna Can I hear that last little bit again?

  Carrie Which bit?

  Lorna The bit from tip-toe something-something.

  Carrie

  ‘and when the trick begins, it’s like a toe

  tip-toeing on a rope, which is like luck;

  and when the luck begins, it’s like a wedding,

  which is like love, which is like everything.’

  What’s the verdict?

  Beat.

  Lorna. Lorna.

  Lorna I’m sorry. I don’t know where I am.

  Carrie is exhausted.

  Carrie I can’t do this. I’m sorry I can’t do this …

  TWO

  Lorna I want it to be you.

  Carrie You’re sure?

  Lorna What do you mean?

  Carrie What about your niece?

  Lorna We’re married.

  Carrie I’m asking what about Claire, that’s all.

  Lorna I can ask Claire if you don’t want to do it.

  Carrie You can have more than one attorney.

  Lorna If you don’t want me to appoint you, Carrie –

  Carrie All I want –

  Lorna Why you would rather it be someone else is beyond –

  Carrie You won’t have to live with the fallout.

  Lorna I’m a burden.

  Carrie No.

  Lorna My illness is a burden.

  Carrie No, you’re not listening –

  Lorna My faith in you is unwavering.

  Carrie ‘Faith’?

  Lorna Is this a joke to you?

  Carrie Unwavering is the opposite of faith.

  Lorna What?

  Carrie We’re veering off course.

  Lorna I want to know what you said just now means.

  Carrie You’re trying to start a war –

  Lorna At least I’m still trying.

  Carrie Fuck you, Lorna.

  Lorna There you go, here we go.

  Carrie I have faith because I waver, not –

  Lorna Meaning.

  Carrie I need it, I don’t necessarily want it, but I –

  Lorna And me you.

  Carrie I understand that.

  Lorna I’m going to need you to remind me who I am.

  Carrie But what if –

  Lorna And when I don’t know who you are any more, I’m going to need you even more.

  Carrie And if I can’t?

  Lorna You will.

  Carrie I’m selfish –

  Lorna You’re not –

  Carrie I’m not good enough.

  Lorna You are.

  Carrie And if I want to save you?

  Lorna You can’t.

  Carrie I can, you know I can. The procedure.

  Lorna We agreed.

  Carrie We did.

  Lorna We agreed to forget about that.

  Carrie But when you’re gone, when you’re not you, what if I change my mind?

  Lorna Why would you do that?

  Carrie Because the alternative –

  Lorna No, the alternative –

  Carrie I would rather you have a life –

  Lorna But it wouldn’t be –

  Carrie A life without me, but a life nonetheless.

  Lorna There is no life without you.

  Carrie But you won’t know, you won’t be able to tell the difference.

  Lorna I am telling you, now, in no uncertain, that is not what I want, Carrie.

  Carrie But –

  Lorna Do we need to go over it all again?

  Carrie No –<
br />
  Lorna Do not resuscitate.

  Carrie You’re not –

  Lorna Do not alter the very fabric of my being.

  Carrie Can we –

  Lorna And do not put me into any kind – of, no matter how bad –

  Carrie But –

  Lorna Are we clear?

  Carrie I can’t make that promise. Those promises, I can’t.

  Lorna It isn’t a promise, it is a legally binding –

  Carrie Then it’s too much. You’re asking too much of me.

  Lorna It’s the bare minimum, Carrie! (Beat.) Look, if this LPA is going to be too much –

  Carrie Don’t spin this around.

  Lorna No, maybe you were right, maybe Claire –

  Carrie Don’t you dare –

  Lorna No, you were, you were right to question –

  Carrie Listen –

  Lorna I can’t pretend I’m not disappointed, but –

  Carrie This love isn’t a promise one way or the other. It can’t –

  Lorna Well, that doesn’t mean anything.

  Carrie I can’t promise to watch you, to watch you, fail, to watch you, descend, I can’t promise that. To watch you collapse, to plummet – It would be inhumane, to watch you, when there is an alternative. Why would I do that? Why would I do that? To you, why would I do that?

  Lorna You’re asking me.

  Carrie Yes.

  Lorna You’re asking me –

  Carrie If this were the other way around –

  Lorna I would obey your wishes.

  Carrie Bullshit.

  Lorna I would submit –

  Carrie No you wouldn’t.

  Lorna I would follow your instructions to the –

  Carrie Let me die?

  Lorna You don’t ‘let’ death –

  Carrie Oh come on, don’t give me that, don’t give me –

  Lorna It’s going to happen whether we like it or not.

  Carrie In this particular instance –

  Lorna You’re scared –

  Carrie In this particular instance we happen to have –

  Lorna Look at me –

  Carrie We have an opportunity to choose ‘or not’.

  Lorna And then what?

  Carrie We do it all over again.

  Lorna It’s that simple.

  Carrie Yes. It happened once –

  Lorna Exactly.

  Carrie Exactly, it happened once –

  Lorna No, exactly, it happened – Why would I want to contemplate – I wouldn’t want this again because this means so much to me right now. This is it, all there is. And all this talk of, of, of – It isn’t a cure, it’s a myth. This isn’t progress. It’s the slip, it’s a –

  Carrie It could save your life.

  Lorna What life? If it isn’t saving this life, and this after all is the only life I want –