by Heather Wood
“You can’t just drop a bomb on me like this and expect me to just forget about it. Did you start feeling like this before the baby?”
“I was going to talk to you about it, but then all of a sudden you’re pregnant and I was trying to make the best out of everything even though I was unsure of how I felt about the whole thing. I’m so sorry; I never wanted to hurt you.” He kneeled down before her and took both her hands.
“Well, there is no longer any baby so I guess this lets you off of the hook. You must be so relieved.” She couldn’t believe her vile tone, she never imagined in less than five minutes things could go in this direction.
“That’s not fair. You asked me how I felt and I was honest with you. I could’ve said nothing and pretended everything was fine, but I respect and love you too much to lie to you.”
She pushed him away and walked to the other side of the couch. “You love me? That’s a big joke. How could you love someone you can’t imagine marrying? How do you care for someone who made you feel trapped?” He opened his mouth to answer but she put a hand up to silence him. “They were rhetorical questions, I don’t expect an answer. I’m taking Junior for a long walk and I expect you to be gone when I come back.”
She grabbed his leash off of the hook by the door and began to prepare Junior for his walk. She did not look at him as he spoke. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this, Alice. You have no idea how truly sorry I am.”
Her anger had temporarily subsided and a resigned feeling took over. “It’s better that I found out now how you feel. Otherwise I could have been strung along for who knows how many years waiting for the proposal or the day that you announce that you want us to have children. I suppose I should be thanking you, now I’m free to move on.”
“Fuck,” he swore softly. “What do I do?”
“You get your things together and go before I get back from my walk. There’s nothing more to say right now, so the best thing is for you to leave me alone….Goodbye, Ryan.” For a dramatic effect, she quickly turned on her heel with Junior in tow and exited the apartment. She waited for him to call to her, but he stood motionless as she left.
When she returned about an hour later, Ryan and a good portion of his personal belongings were gone. Disappointment and anguish enveloped her. A part of her had hoped that he would stay and fight for her and their relationship. Now, she had to face the reality that he had actually left her. A note was haphazardly scrawled on scrap paper and left on the table. It basically stated the same things that he had told her earlier. He was sorry, he never meant to hurt her, maybe in time they would be able to work things out, blah, blah, blah….She ripped it into confetti and threw it out of her kitchen window. Hours earlier she would never had suspected that she would be grief stricken and alone.
Three weeks passed without so much of a word from him. She had no idea where he was or what he was doing. She had imagined that distance would have helped her broken heart, but instead the silence was unbearable. Countless times, she had to pry her fingers away from dialing his cell phone number. She became obsessed with thoughts of him and what was going on inside his head. Pride prevented her from seeking him out. Finally, he contacted her, but he only wanted to arrange for a time to get the remainder of his stuff. That following Saturday, she stood by silently as he gathered his belongings. She refused to be the first to speak; two weeks of no communication had made her bitter and angry. After loading up his car with the last box, he finally turned to her.
“There are things we should talk about before I go.” His words were barely intelligible as he mumbled them to the ground.
“Like what? Honestly, the only thing I want to say to you right now is go to hell.”
“Look, I know you’re angry and you have every right to be…”
She cut him off. “I am way beyond angry. First I lose our baby, then you dump me and I don’t get so much as a phone call from you in three weeks. How can you be such a shit to me?”
“I thought it was for the best to give you your space. You made it perfectly clear the last time that we spoke that you wanted me out of your life. I should have called, I’m sorry.” He did sound sincere and she had to admit that she had never seen him look so disheveled. His face had not seen a razor in days and his hair was overdue for a cut. If she didn’t want to kick him in the balls so badly, she would be tempted to try and tame his cowlick. It made her feel slightly better that she was not the only one who had been miserable over the past few weeks.
She softened a bit. “Okay, I guess that it’s pointless to argue about it now. What did you want to talk about?”
“Well…” he looked uncomfortable and she knew whatever was to follow was going to displease her. Was he going to tell her he was dating already? Nausea ripped through her gut at the thought. “The thing is that we got this apartment and all the furniture together, so I think we should figure out who should get what and also there is the matter of Junior…”
“I can solve that real quick for you. You can take all the tacky furniture you picked out, the pieces that I didn’t want in the first place, and I get the apartment, the rest of the furniture and the pleasure of never seeing your face again. How does that sound?” she gave him her deadliest stare and marveled at the fact an undying love for a person could turn into such hatred in a short period of time.
“That’s fine; I’m not going to argue with you about it. But I want to take my dog.” He sounded firm and she could feel her blood pressure rise at the tone.
“Your dog? You never gave two shits about him, I’m the one who always fed him and walked him.”
“I bought him, named him and when my schedule allowed it I took care of him too. I’m staying with my brother Logan for now and he has that nice big yard for him to play in. You can come see him whenever you want.” He tacked on the last part as if that would be some sort of consolation prize.
She balled her hands into fists and attempted not to scream at him in a fit of rage. “You come near me or my dog ever again, I can’t be held responsible for what I do to you.”
He held up his hands in a gesture of surrender and observed the visible sadness in his blue eyes. “Fine, Alice, you win.” He entered his car and rolled down the window. “Just for the record, I really can’t stand that this is how we are with each other now.” With those parting words, he drove off and she stood there shocked at the idea that they were truly over.
Chapter Three
She forced herself back into the present and scolded herself for getting caught up in her past with Ryan. The best therapy would be to concentrate on her own life for awhile and possibly set some new goals for her life. She did not mind her job, but she wasn’t certain that she wanted to spend the rest of her life being a glorified secretary. She worked for a woman named Diane Mason who ran a small design firm in town. Diana was easy enough to work for, but Alice knew there wasn’t much room for advancement in her position. On most days, it was only the two of them in the office. When things picked up, a temp would pick up the slack. She figured it was time to consider other careers or possibly more schooling since her plan of being a wife and mother didn’t seem to be happening anytime soon. Although she felt counter feminist for wanting these things above anything else, she was never much of the career driven type. Perhaps a career involving children would be a good suit for her.
On her lunch hour the following day, she searched the internet for ideas on possible careers. The local state college offered classes that catered to people who wanted to go back to school, but did not have the resources to attend full-time. Instead, she could take classes online and at night. The application deadline was several weeks away. She considered it and figured it was worth a shot. At the very least, she could have something to take her mind off of Ryan. She printed out the application off of the website and set it aside to fill out later. Right away she felt optimistic, she would be kept busy and perhaps make a few friends.
After work, she stopped at the grocer
y store and planned to call her mother and talk to her about college. She figured it may turn out to be expensive and maybe hint around that a little financial help would be greatly appreciated. Ryan’s salary had covered most of the apartment bills and now she was living paycheck to paycheck. She put the food away and picked up the cordless phone. It rang in her hand.
“Hello.”
“Hi, is this Alice?”
She recognized his voice immediately. The call had come somewhat unexpectedly. After she had given him her number, she had pushed it out of her mind. She did not want to turn into the type of girl that anxiously awaits a phone call. “Yes, is this Peter?”
“Yes, you sound surprised.”
“I guess I am; I didn’t expect you to call so soon. I thought you were the type to wait the standard three days to call.”
“I’m hurt that you would think that I was that cliché. I actually would have called you last night but I figured then you would peg me as being a weirdo.”
She smiled and relaxed her body onto the sofa. “Anyway, despite my surprise, I am happy that you called. How was the rest of your weekend?”
“It pretty much went downhill after our meeting, which was definitely the high point. How was yours?”
They spoke easily for half an hour, exchanging the basics about one another. She discovered that Peter was thirty-three, had never been married and had a weakness for cookie dough ice cream. He worked in an investment firm that had recently opened a branch office right outside of Hillside. They had made him a lucrative deal that convinced him to transfer out of the Manhattan office and reside in Connecticut. For the past few years, he had concentrated on his career and had not been in a serious relationship for a long time. He had three older sisters and his parents now resided in a retirement community in New Jersey. She narrated some details about her life, purposely skirting the topic of Ryan. He was attentive and asked the appropriate questions. He had such an easygoing manner that she found it effortless to open up to him.
“Well, Junior is giving me the evil eye, so I better let him outside. It was great talking to you.”
“So, I was thinking maybe we could hang out. No pressure, something very casual. Maybe get together for coffee or something like that in the next couple of days?” he inquired with a hopeful tone.
“Well…” she started with hesitation.
“If coffee isn’t your thing, we could go see a movie or grab some pizza…” he countered her.
“Okay, you sold me with the pizza. I haven’t had pizza in weeks; it feels like a waste to order a whole pie just for myself. I’m free on Thursday if that night works for you.”
“Thursday is open for me. Just give me your address and I’ll pick you up around 7:00.”
She gave him the details and hung up. Mulling it over, she congratulated herself on agreeing to go out with him. He seemed pleasant and she could not deny that she had felt a physical attraction between them in the book store. Going on a date could be another step in the right direction on where she wanted her life to head. If it didn’t transform into a relationship, it could still turn into a friendship and a companion could be the definitive cure for the loneliness that she was feeling.
That Thursday, she found herself facing the age old dilemma of figuring out appropriate first date attire. It was a casual date, but she wanted to look attractive without appearing as though she was trying too hard. Another quandary she faced was that many of her clothes fit her awkwardly because of her weight loss. Finally, she decided on her most expensive pair of jeans and a black v-neck. She went light on the make-up and wore her hair natural. She figured if he was attracted to her in her disheveled state rocking a Target tracksuit, she would now look like a beauty queen. Just as she was slipping on a pair of black flats, the doorbell rang.
She ran down the stairs and opened the door with a shy smile. “Hi, come on in for a minute while I put my jacket on.” The spring weather was taking long to warm up and the nights were still cool. She did a quick study of him. He wore a gray button-down and an excellent fitting pair of jeans. She couldn’t help, but compare him to Ryan. Ryan was more conventionally attractive; his looks were what she had categorized as rock star meets Abercrombie and Fitch model. Peter had a more classically handsome appearance-she could easily imagine him being fantastic in bed. She blushed at the thought and was interrupted by Junior’s incessant barking.
Junior had run up to Peter and began to growl and bark at him. He was attempting to calm the dog down, but he continued to grow more agitated. Alice could tell that any minute he may try and bite him. She ran over and grabbed him by the collar. “No, that’s bad. Go lay down.” The dog gave her a forlorn stare and then ran into her bedroom. She rose and gave Peter an apologetic shrug. “Sorry, he’s usually friendlier than that. I guess he’s just a little overprotective. I would give you the grand tour, but there isn’t much to see.” She gestured around to encompass the apartment.
“I like it, it’s a good size and you’re in a great location. The way that you decorated suits you too.”
“Well, it’s in a minimalist state now that Ryan took most of his stuff.” She looked at him for a long moment. “I’m sorry if I seemed a little defensive when we first met, I’m trying to get used to being single. I want to reiterate how glad that I am that you called.”
“A sudden split up can be horrible. The best way to get over one is to jump into bed with the first eligible person you come across,” he winked at her.
Alice laughed. “Don’t push your luck. Let’s get that pizza that you promised me.”
They walked outside and she was relieved to see that he drove an older model black BMW. If it was a flashy car, she would have felt out of place going on a date with him. The BMW was nice, but thankfully not too ostentatious. She directed him to a pizzeria that was a few miles out of town; Alice was not ready for the discomfort of running into someone that she knew. He did not remark on the distance that they traveled which made her begin to like him even more. There was something so laid-back about him; she did not feel on edge as she expected to be. They made their way to Tony’s and once there she convinced him to order a large pizza with the works for them to share.
He gave her an eyebrow raise once the waitress went to put their order in. “I expected you to get one of those low carb, low fat slices of pizza.”
“That sounds disgusting. What’s the point of getting pizza then?”
“You’re so thin; I just assumed you were on a strict diet.” His disarming smile confirmed he didn’t mean it as an insult.
“No, just the post-Ryan depression diet. I normally eat like a pig.” She considered this. “I should stop talking about him, it seems as though I bring him up in every conversation that we have.”
“I’ll put him out of your head, I promise.” He reached across the table and grabbed her hand. “Seriously, it’s fine if you need to talk about him. You were upfront with me about going through a horrible breakup.”
“You never realize how intertwined your life is with someone else until it’s over. I find myself at this crossroads and I’m not sure what direction that I want to go in. I’m actually considering going back to college which is probably a horrible idea.” She took a long sip of her soda.
“I think it would be great if you go back to school and find a career that you can be genuinely content with. I like my job, but if I had the ability to do it all over again I probably wouldn’t get a job with an investment firm. It can be so boring and that makes me dread doing if for the rest of my life. Ryan leaving could be the best thing to ever happen to you.”
Alice could not decide if he was just feeding her what she wanted to hear, but she had to admit he seemed perfect. Desire coursed through her as his hand held onto hers and his fingers began to move in little circles around her knuckles. His green eyes did not leave her face and she loved that he seemed to listen to her and give her sound advice. Ryan could be too opinionated and would force his ideas on her. A
s if six years of college made him an expert on everything. The conversation between Peter and Alice felt more on an equal level.
The pizza came and she felt self-conscious of his eyes on her as she consumed two slices quickly. Seemingly, he was intrigued by her and she could not help, but feel the same towards him. She felt desired-a boost to her self-image which was definitely needed. “So, do you have any hidden skeletons you would like to divulge? I feel so exposed since you’re seeing me at the lowest that I have ever been.”
“Nothing that would make polite dinner conversation I assure you, especially from my frat days. For the most part, I would say that what you see is what you get. I’m straightforward and honest, I try to be upfront with people and expect the same in return.”
“Well then, tell me honestly what you thought of me when you saw me in the bookstore?”
“Well, I already told you that I noticed your sadness, but I could sense that you weren’t as fragile as you looked and as I get to know you I can tell that I was right. I was attracted physically to you, I don’t know if you realize what a beautiful woman that you are and….”
She put up her hand. “Please stop, you’re embarrassing me. Thank you though and to be honest I was attracted to you right away too.”
“So, I would say things are going well between us?” he intoned it as a question.
“Extraordinarily well.”
Time and conversation flew by and it turned out that they had been at Tony’s for a few hours. Peter inquired about a drink, but she decided it was best to leave things on a high note. If she drank too much, things may lead to somewhere she was not ready to go just yet. He did not seem offended and took her home with no complaints. After parking the car, he walked her to her doorstep.
"So...." she said with awkwardness. She had no intentions of anything happening between them, but she did not want to give off the impression that she didn’t like him. If she invited him inside, he might expect something, but if she just turned and left abruptly, he might not ask her out again.