Shattered Love

by Heather Wood

  He smiled. "There are only these trite lines running through my head right now. Like, I had a really good time, let's do this again or I'll call you."

  "I hate when that happens, you try and come up with something original to say and the same tired lines keep running through your head. It's okay; I understand what your sentiment seems to be." Impulsively, she moved her body towards him and gave him a warm hug.

  He turned his head towards her face and breathed in her hair. "What I had really wanted to say was that it would be amazing if I could see you again this week."

  Breaking their embrace, she looked up at him. "I was hoping you would ask me out again. When did you want to get together?"

  "We could do dinner and drinks this weekend, if you're up to it. My schedule is flexible, so just give me a call and let me know what day is good for you."

  "Sounds like a plan."

  "I can't tell you how glad I am that you agreed to go out with me. This has been the best night I've had in a very long time. I know I sound so corny, but I want you to know how much I really like you. Don't make me wait too long for your call."

  "I won't. Good night Peter."

  "Goodnight Alice."

  Entering the house, she came to realize that she had a huge goofy grin plastered upon her face. She had almost considered backing out of the date, but it had ending up being a fun night. Of course, Ryan had entered her mind from time to time, but going out with Peter had made her realize that it was possible for her to get over the demise of her relationship. Ideally, she would have been engaged and expecting a child with him, but it was time to let go of that future. Heartbreak sucks, no one can deny that, but it’s no excuse to let it run your life. Ties needed to be severed permanently with Ryan. Of course, she was bound to see him from time to time, they lived in a small town, but she could set eyes on him the least amount possible. With decisiveness, she went to her kitchen table and gathered up his mail. She would drop it off at his office tomorrow and then make it clear that he needed to get his mail forwarded to his brother’s house.

  Chapter Four

  On Monday, she let Diane know she would be a little late and headed to Ryan’s office. It was a couple of miles away from her workplace in a cluster of office buildings on the corner of Cherry and Park Avenues. It had three physicians and Ryan seeing patients within the practice. One of the doctors was her primary care physician, something she was planning on changing as soon as she found another doctor in her insurance plan. She walked into the waiting room and was greeted by an overload of pastel décor. Easter eggs were on the tables, bunny window clings covered the front desk glass, and a giant stuffed bunny with a basket sat in the corner of the room. She smiled at the front desk receptionist. “I love how festive the office looks, Rose. I hope the docs give you money towards all of this stuff.”

  Rose Stengel looked up from the appointment book and gave her a look of surprise and then changed it to glee a second later. "Oh my god, I feel like I'm seeing a ghost! Alice, aren't you a sight for these sore eyes!"

  She laughed. She had come to consider Rose a good friend; she had mothered both her and Ryan in a way that made her feel warm whenever she was around her. She had been working at the doctor's office since it opened fifteen years ago and basically ran the entire operation. Rose would never reveal her age-Alice guessed anywhere from late fifties to early sixties. Her perfect ebony skin had very few wrinkles and she consistently dyed her hair to ward off any grays. Whenever Alice would come and visit Ryan, she would spend at least twenty minutes with Rose chatting and gossiping. She had been meaning to call her, but since it was Ryan's work, she didn't want to cross any kind of boundary. "I missed you, how have you been?"

  "I'm fine, kids are raising hell as usual and Carl is still the same dumb waste of space he was last time I talked to you. More importantly, how are you doing?"

  "Good, I'm going to take some classes at the college and I actually met a new friend in town," she said and blushed at the thought of Peter.

  "A new friend, huh? Would this be a new male friend? Don't tell me you're dating someone already!" Alice winced at the volume of her voice; she hadn’t planned to make a public announcement.

  "You sound so shocked. I was the one who was dumped; the wronged party should not feel guilty about dating someone quickly. It's the dumper that looks like an ass for jumping into a relationship soon after a breakup because then there is speculation that he left his current girlfriend for a new piece of tail."

  Rose looked around the mostly empty office to make sure that no one was in earshot. She leaned forward in a conspirator manner. "I can't tell you how upset I was when I got the news about you losing the baby. I am so sorry..."

  Alice cut in. "I know you are. I hope you got my thank you card for the beautiful basket that you sent. It was so sweet of you to think of me."

  "Don't be silly, you know you are one of my favorite people in the world. Ryan has been getting an earful from me since he came in here talking about how you two had broken up. I told him that he must be out of his mind and that he is a big old shit head. I'll tell you, I hope things work out between the two of you, but it's good that you're dating. It shows mister dumbass that there are plenty of fish in the sea..." She was interrupted by the sound of someone clearing his throat. They looked up at the same time and saw that Ryan was standing behind Rose with a look of irritation clear on his face. Nonplussed, Rose stated, "Speak of the devil...literally."

  Alice could not help but drop her jaw when she saw him. He looked completely different from the last time that she had seen him. Hobo Ryan has turned into hot Ryan. His hair was shaved extremely short and he no longer had wild facial hair. His face looked less haggard too; he reminded her of someone who had just returned from a nice long, relaxing vacation. She was relieved that she had taken time with her appearance that morning and hoped that her date with Peter had left her half as glowing as Ryan seemed to be. Against her will, she felt butterflies flutter through her stomach. Managing to find her voice, she mumbled, "Hi."

  "Hi, Alice, this is a surprise, what's up?" His tone was casual and she hated how he could pull off a conversation with ease when she felt the inability to speak coherently.

  "I just stopped by to drop off your mail. You have a ton; I hope you got around to putting in a request to get it forwarded to your brother's house."

  He nodded and then questioned, "Do you have a minute to talk?"

  She put on her best put out face. "Not really, I told Diane I would be late, but I do have to get to work after here and I wanted to finish telling Rose about my date last night."

  Without hesitation, he walked over to her and grabbed her arm. Pulling her towards the back, of the office he said lightly, "I'm sure you can spare a minute. Let me take you somewhere more private."

  Rose rolled her eyes and waved them off. "Don't take no shit from him, girl. Put him in his place."

  "Now you have sunk to manhandling, Ryan. Must I remind you that you no longer have the right to boss me around."

  He ignored her and dragged her into his office. With an earnest expression he told her, “Look I know things are majorly fucked up between us right now, there is no denying that. Yet, I don't think it validates you coming here and bragging about a date that you went on. If you don't think that hurts me, you're out of your freaking mind."

  "I’m suddenly supposed to take your feelings into consideration. You treat me like shit and I'm expected to walk on eggshells when I'm around you?" She hoped her tone articulated a fraction of the hurt and anger he had caused her.

  "I never treated you like shit," he replied quickly.

  "I think dumping me after a miscarriage could be deemed being treated like shit," she snapped with annoyance and crossed her arms across her chest.

  He looked at her with a mixture of emotions upon his face. "That's not a fair summary of events, but I'm not going to argue with you. So, you're really dating someone?"

  “Not that it's any of your bu
siness, but it's someone I just met, we went out for the first time last night. If that's all that you want, I’ll be on my merry way." She turned to leave.

  Quickly, he reached over her head and shut the door with his palm. He kept his hand pressed on the door and leaned in towards her. It felt oddly thrilling to be so close to him again-she had to keep reminding herself that he was the enemy now. He put his face up to hers. The scent of his cologne and mouthwash was having an intoxicating effect on her. "So, you're over me? Because to be honest, I think I made a huge mistake and I was wondering if maybe we could get together and talk about things. It feels wrong the way things ended with us."

  "You are only saying this now because you're jealous. This is so typical, you can't stand the fact that I'm moving on and beginning to date someone. It's not like all of a sudden you realized that you want to marry me and you...oh my God, is that a tattoo?" she exclaimed, interrupting her spiel.

  She could not help, but be shocked at the small symbol on the underside of his left arm. He had never mentioned any desire for a tattoo and it made her curious about what was behind this makeover. Instantly suspicious, she wondered if she wasn't the only one who had starting dating someone new. He shrugged, "Yeah, Logan and I went out last week and I tried to drown my sorrows and ended up getting pretty wrecked. Somehow the night ended with both of us at the tattoo parlor.”

  "I can't believe you got a tattoo? I love that you got an Egyptian ankh, too. Did you know that it's a symbol of life? Is it supposed to mean that now that we broke up, your life can begin?" The ankh wasn’t imposing in size, measuring about four inches long. It was a simple design with only a small trace of gold color in the otherwise dark drawing. She had recalled seeing the symbol in one of the art museums that she had frequented in the past. The icon resembled the shape of the cross, the only difference being that the top rounded out instead of being a straight line.

  "Although the experience is kind of fuzzy, I was thinking more along the lines that I should get it as a reminder to get a life. For so long, I've been so worried about my career and money that I let everything else in my life take a backburner. I never wanted to completely commit to you because I was selfish." She did not reply because honestly she had no idea what she should say. A part of her wanted to tell him to take his second thoughts and shove them, but another piece of her wanted to hear what he had to say.

  "I need some time to think about this stuff. It's kind of blindsided me, especially since it comes just as I'm starting to date someone else. If you were feeling this way, I can’t fathom why you didn’t bother to pick up the phone earlier and tell me."

  "Well, how about you think about things and we could talk some more this weekend if you're available? Also, I wanted to maybe take Junior to the park for a little bit if that's okay." It was so strange to hear Ryan speak in this manner. The last time they had spoken it had seemed so final between them; she wondered why things had suddenly changed. She was skeptical over this sudden transformation into a more mature and sexier man.

  She became overwhelmed by his nearness and was only able to nod slightly. He sensed a break in her resolve to shut him out and moved in closer. His hand moved to her cheek and she knew that if she did not do something soon, he would be kissing her. It would be so easy to give in and get swept away in the moment. He looked and smelled amazing, he was saying the things she had longed to hear and she missed the way she had felt when she was with him. Alice sucked in her breath and waited for his next move. He came within inches of her face when suddenly a knock sounded on his office door. They jumped apart and she heard him swear under his breath. "Yeah?"

  "Sorry to interrupt you, but Dr. Tierney would like your assistance in Room 3," one of the nurses announced through the door.

  He sighed. "Okay, tell him I'll be right there."

  She waved him off. "Go ahead, Ryan. I need to get to work anyway, come by and get Junior and we'll talk some more."

  "Okay, is Sunday morning good for you?"

  "That's fine, I'm sure Junior will be excited to see you." She handed him his mail and turned to leave.

  "I am so happy that you stopped by, Alice. I hope that we can work through everything." His sincerity was equally parts off-putting and endearing.

  She didn't want to leave on a bad note, so she replied simply, "We'll see, bye Ryan."

  Rose was busy with the phones when she walked out, so she just waved goodbye and whispered that she would give her a call so that they could talk more. Dazed, she walked outside into the sunlight. Her heart and brain were at odds with each other. She was still angry about the way that Ryan had treated her; it was hard to imagine forgetting the way he had ended things between them. Another factor she felt torn about was that she was interested in Peter and last night had been a really good time. He had the maturity that until five minutes ago, Ryan had been lacking. She had just met him, but he had stirred something in her ever since they met at the bookstore. It was so rare to find a person that would make her feel special after such a short time together. As she replayed the date last night in her mind, her cell phone chirped in her purse. She picked it up and saw she had a text message from Peter. She smiled at the thought that he had sensed she was thinking about him. The message read simply, "Thinking about you, can't wait to see you again."

  She beamed at the phone, but frowned when she drove by the office complex adjacent to her office. She realized that in all the recent excitement, she had forgotten she had an appointment there today after work. The building housed the office of the therapist she had been seeing secretly over the past few weeks. She was not sure why she had not disclosed this information to anyone, not even her mother, but if she guessed it would be because she was embarrassed about it. Especially since Dr. Marisha Charley deemed her in need of antidepressant medication. If she was being honest about it, it had only been a suggestion, but she had gone through with it and ordered the medication. It was sitting in her purse unopened since she wasn't sure she wanted to go down that road. Alice had not let anyone except her therapist know exactly how depressed she’d been. The crazy thoughts that had run through her head, the ideas about running away, quitting her job or exacting some type of revenge on Ryan. Through her couple of sessions, she had come to realize that these were not crazy thoughts. It was just a normal reaction to the stress of both losing the baby and her boyfriend. Her sense of extreme loss and loneliness was inevitable.

  Everything would work itself out, she gave herself an inner pep talk-she just had to maintain a high level of optimism. If Dr. Crowley helped her succeed in relieving her depression symptoms then she would continue to see her. She would keep the pills as a symbolic comfort blanket, if things became exceedingly dreadful-she knew they were only an arm's length away. The veil of despair already seemed to be lifting-she was going back to school and her personal relationships were improving each day. Maybe she would even try and reconnect with a couple of her old girlfriends, she especially missed Logan’s girlfriend Jennifer terribly. It would be nice to spend time with some friends of the same sex. It wasn't healthy that her only female companionship consisted of her mother, her boss and her therapist. As she entered her workplace, she vowed to be positive about what her future held.

  Chapter Five

  "So how was your week so far?" Dr. Crowley asked that evening.

  Alice sat back in the comfortable chair and took in her surroundings again before she replied. The office décor was minimalist; a couple of tasteful pieces of artwork hung on the walls and one family photo sat upon the bookshelf. Besides a couple of plants, these were the only things that gave the room any type of personality. It must be some type of therapist way of decorating to keep the patient focused.

  Dr. Marisha Crowley was in her late forties and wore her hair in wild curls that hung past her shoulders. She was always dressed in tasteful skirt suits tailored to perfection. Orally fixated with candy or gum consistently in her mouth, Alice guessed she had recently quit smoking.

&
nbsp; "It's been good; I went on my first post-Ryan date."

  "Really? How did that go?" Dr. Crowley pushed a couple of loose curls out of her face and looked at her expectantly. She had a very clinical manner to her, but Alice preferred it to the more flowery personalities of the few therapists she’d met prior to Dr. Crowley. Visualization and deep breathing hadn’t been helpful at calming her nerves and preferred the straightforward methods used by her current therapist. Not exactly someone you picture letting their hair down and getting out of control at a party. Despite her solemnity, Alice did felt comfortable with her and she felt she could be honest in this room without fear of judgment.

  "It was nice, it was weird being touched by another man, even if it was just simply hand holding and a hug. Yet it was pleasant, I guess I didn't realize how much I missed that feeling of another person's skin on mine. The idea of being with someone besides Ryan used to repulse me, but Peter showed me that I could be attracted to another man." Alice enjoyed therapy, nowhere else in society was it accepted to be completely self-involved.

  "That's a big step; do you think you'll see him again?"

  "Well, I feel a little confused now. I went to drop off Ryan's mail and he seemed like he wanted to try and work things out between us. I just can't decide if he's sincere or if it's because I started dating someone else and he's jealous." Alice began to chew on the end of her dirty blond strands and tried to mull everything over.

  "So, basically you're at a crossroads, yes?" Dr. Crowley prompted.

  Alice thought about this and realized that she had never been at a crossroads in her life. Her life pattern had always been linear and finite. It would be easy to go back to Ryan and get back on the path she’d set upon, but unfortunately doubt had now crept into her mind. She still loved him, but her confidence in their relationship had been destroyed.