by Heather Wood
"I think I'll hear Ryan out, but I'm still going to pursue this relationship with Peter. If things don't work out with Ryan, I know I’ll regret not giving this thing with Peter a chance."
"I think that's a wise choice."
***
A wise choice? She thought back to that day in Dr. Crowley's office, it seemed so long ago, but in actuality only a few short months had passed. A wise choice would have been to leave Hillside, change her name and never return again. She had to stay calm and try to work things out in her head. Reaching into her purse, Alice pulled out a small white pill from her prescription bottle. Silently she thanked God that she had left her medication in her bag. She knew the Xanax wouldn't do much- she needed a whole truckload to cure her of the anxiety she was experiencing now.
She left her hiding spot and decided to venture towards the main road. It was painful to walk; her ankle was most likely sprained when she had fallen. As she hobbled along, she tried not to cry out in pain. She had no idea where she would go, once she reached the main road, but at least it gave her a goal to focus on. Maybe she would get to her house, pack up Junior and all her essential belongings and get the hell away from here. The only problem was that she had to find a way to get home; there was no way she could make it very far with her ankle in this state.
A shiver of fear when down her spine, but she shook it off and started moving with determination. She pulled out her cell phone and thanked god that she had the foresight to grab her purse before running into the woods. The relief was short-lived once she realized that she did not know whom to contact. The police? Not exactly the smartest notion. The ambulance? That could turn into a nightmare, once they started asking questions she didn’t know how to answer. Alice reached the phone, picked it up and hung it up twice before she made the decision on whom to call.
"Hello, Alice, is that you?"
"Please help me."
***
"So, Junior pretty much hates me, huh?" Peter asked that Friday night as he looked at his frayed pant leg. They had grabbed a quick bite to eat and had settled in at one of the local bars. When Peter came in the apartment, Junior grew agitated again and began pulling on his pants leg. She thought that the second time that they came in contact, her dog would be friendlier, but no such luck. Peter had been a good sport and had been joking about it since they departed. Ryan must have trained the dog in secret to ward off all potential suitors. She took a long sip of her light beer and gave him sort of a half grimace, half smile.
"Again, I can't apologize enough for him, I know you probably don't believe me, but it's very unusual for him to display any type of aggression. Maybe he's trying to warn me about you," she joked.
He leaned in. Instantly she was turned on by the closeness of his body. She felt guilty when she realized that she had the same sensation when Ryan had leaned into her at his office earlier in the week. She began to question herself, was she that affection deprived that any warm-blooded male with a pulse could set her into a state of desire? "He's right to warn you because I plan to corrupt you as much as I possibly can."
"I hate to break this to you, but I am incorruptible, I'm probably the most innocent girl you have ever had the pleasure of coming in contact with." She turned away from him and took another gulp of her beer. His confidence and good looks made it hard to look him straight in the face. Alice was far from hideous, but her low self-esteem made her wonder if he was slumming it by being here with her. She noticed that her beer was practically empty and beckoned the bartender for another drink. If she kept it up, she would be intoxicated in no time, but it was helping her calm nerves. He looked her up and down wryly and gave a little laugh.
"I bet you have a wild side. Anybody who claims that they our innocent and has a little freak underneath the surface, just waiting to be released."
"Okay, enough with the banter. How was your week?"
"Busy, it's a hectic time of year. I'm really getting on well with the people there, the staff is great. I met a couple of guys I could picture hanging out with. Anything new with you?"
"Nothing too exciting. I did talk to Ryan briefly," she said trying to keep her tone light and not let him know this budding relationship could be over before it started.
He raised an eyebrow. "I know that you mentioned you haven't talked to him in weeks, how did it go? Should I be worried?"
"I don't want to lie to you, things are not completely resolved between us, but honestly I'm not sure I can ever trust him again. Plus, I do really like you and just because Ryan is having second thoughts doesn't mean that I want to stop dating you." It was the truth at that moment, but she wondered how much water that would hold once she was around Ryan again. When she had last seen him, it had required all of her resolve not to jump on top of him and begin a serious make-out session.
She waited for his reply, but instead he leaned in and began kissing her. It took her by surprise, but she could not deny the overwhelming pleasure that it brought her. She started to kiss him back and thoughts of getting back with Ryan disappeared from her thoughts. He was a masterful kisser, taking his time, not just jamming his tongue down her throat. Realizing that they were in the middle of a bar, she pulled away from their embrace with awkwardness. She began to drink her beer even quicker while he continued looking at her with that slight smile that he seemed to master. He turned back to his drink and said with assuredness, "I'm pretty sure now I have absolutely nothing to worry about."
"I don't know whether to be put off by your cockiness or just laugh at you."
"I'm hurt that you would say that. Why shouldn't I be cocky? I'm the envy of every guy in this room because I'm with the most amazing and beautiful woman that I have ever seen."
"Peter, stop it," she playfully pushed him. "You are embarrassing me, I'm not use to receiving all these compliments you keep giving me."
"You're telling me that Ryan never lavished praise upon you?" he asked, not pretending to hide his disgust.
"He did in the beginning, but you know how it is when you've been together for awhile, you both get lazy with the compliments. I never took it to heart."
"I swear that as long as you're with me, I'm never going to stop telling you how incredible you are." He placed his hand on her leg that sent another flurry of heat throughout her body. She could feel herself getting drunk and turned on, not the safest combination. She decided just to have fun with him and worry about everything else later. Overanalyzing could be saved for her therapy sessions.
She knew where to draw the line; she wouldn't take things too far with Peter until she sorted out her feelings for Ryan. A few passionate kisses and maybe some heavy petting in his car wouldn’t make or break a possible reconciliation with Ryan. Besides, having a little fun with a gorgeous and intelligent guy was definitely something she needed right now.
Chapter Six
The bells were deafening. She tried to wake herself out of the nightmare, but the noise would not go away in her head. A dog barking joined the symphony and it became truly unbearable. Her eyes creaked open, but the noise did not stop. It took all her strength to lift herself up and sit up for a minute. Her mouth felt like sandpaper and it was hard to concentrate with her head pounding so ferociously. She started to lie back down, but as she hit the pillow, she jumped back and fell out of the bed onto the wood floor. Lying next to her was Peter and he was decidedly unclothed. She looked down and realized that she was in the same state. Oh my God, what the hell happened, how much did I drink last night? She thought trying to remember the previous evening. The last clear memory was a few kisses at the bar. How they have arrived at her home and how she ended up naked was a complete blank.
She was about to speak when a revelation came to her and set her into a sheer panic. She dove towards a t-shirt which was placed carelessly on the floor and threw it over her head. "Peter," she whispered urgently. He did not move. "Peter, you need to get up now," she said with more insistence adding a shove to her plea.
H
e opened his eyes and smiled lazily at her. "Good morning," he said and reached towards her. The doorbell stopped and Alice looked behind her in horror. A muffled voice calling her name was barely audible from downstairs through the front door.
"Peter, you need to get dressed and you have to be quiet. I'm really sorry, I can't explain right now, but...." She stopped mid-sentence and took off in a sprint towards the door. She had heard a key put in and the door handle begin to turn. As she got to the stairs, she lost her footing and slid down the last few on her butt. Just as she cried out in pain, Ryan opened the door and gave her a quizzical look.
"Alice, are you alright?" he reached out and grabbed her hand to lift her off the ground. She clasped it and then rose with shaky legs. With embarrassment, she realized that the t-shirt she had put on did not cover her bare privates and pulled it down to conceal her nakedness. When she did not answer, he asked, "Didn't you remember that I was coming by this morning?"
"Yeah, sorry, I overslept, just stay right there and I'll bring down Junior," she said shortly and began to call to their dog.
"Alice, I can get him ready. Why don't you go back to bed and we can talk later when I bring him back?" he proposed while ruffling her hair affectionately and beginning to walk up the stairs.
"Really, it's no problem," she insisted giving away her alarm at the thought of him entering the apartment.
He turned and faced her with knitted eyebrows. "Alice, what's going on?" She knew she could not fool Ryan; he was way too perceptive for that.
"Nothing," she said and cringed when she heard the bathroom toilet flush. He looked up into the apartment and then back at her again. With determined steps, he began to make his way into his former residence.
"Ryan, please stop and let me explain. Just come back in twenty minutes and we could have a talk about everything." She followed him quickly up the stairs.
He ignored her and continued until he reached the living room. He looked at the bathroom door in disbelief as the handle turned and revealed Peter in only his boxer shorts and a t-shirt. The moment seemed to last forever. She had no idea what to say or do to rectify the situation. After a moment of staring each other down, Peter walked pass Ryan and came up to her. He kissed her softly on the cheek and said, "Good morning, hon. I'm going to get dressed."
"This has to be some kind of fucking joke," Ryan mumbled loud enough for them both to hear. Peter continued to ignore him and entered her room and closed the door. Dumbfounded, she just stood there while Ryan looked at her with a thunderous expression. "So, do you have anything to say? Any reason why I'm witnessing your fucking post-coital bliss?"
"I'm sorry, this wasn't planned, believe me. Can I explain and talk to you later when you bring Junior back?"
"I don't have anything to say to you.... ever. I'll bring him back tonight, in the meantime let me allow you to get back to your fuck friend," he said with derision. Before she could protest, he was heading for the door with Junior in tow. Tears sprung to her eyes as she watched him go, but she held them back and decided to deal with her emotions later. The more immediate problem was trying to regain her memory of last night. She knew she was drinking heavily, but she had no idea she would let things go so far with Peter in her inebriated state. A wave of nausea hit her and she barely made it to the bathroom in time. After her entire stomach seemed to empty out, she had to deal with dry heaving for the next five minutes. She flushed the toilet and splashed some cold water on her face. She exited and saw that Peter was waiting for her on the sofa wearing the same clothes from last night. He gave her an unsure smile.
"Sorry about before, I didn't realize that you were still seeing Ryan." She could see the accusation in his eyes. How dare you sleep with me while you're still involved with your ex-boyfriend?
"I'm not, he just came over for the dog and to talk about a couple of things..." she paused taking a seat adjacent to him and then continued, "Anyway, I have to admit that I'm a little fuzzy about what happened last night."
"Honestly, I am a little confused about things too. I think we both had way too much to drink and somehow things got a little carried away," he said with a shrug.
"Do you know how carried away that got? I mean, did we..."
"Sleep together? Yeah, I think so. I can't believe this is how our first time intimate turned out, but there it is. I don't want you to think I took advantage of you though. I was just as wasted and I have a vague recollection of you suggesting that I spend the night. If I was sober I would have politely declined, but I guess the alcohol made me think with my dick instead."
She blushed at his words. She could certainly imagine inviting him up, some of her last memories of the night included being turned on, but something didn't sit right with her. She chalked the uneasiness up to guilt over what happened. This was a pivotal moment for her. She had to either end things or continue dating him.
She sighed. “It’s okay, things are just kind of confusing for me right now. I thought things were over between me and Ryan, but now I’m not so sure. I just need some time to process things.”
He stared at her emotionless. After a lengthy pause, he said, “I get it. It’s unfortunate that creep has such a hold over you. But hey, it’s your life.” He turned from her and headed into the bedroom. She presumed to collect the rest of his things. Unsure of what else to say, she waited for him to return to the living room.
With car keys in hand, he exited the bedroom and approached her. An awkward silence ensued and she offered, “Look, I’m sorry. I’m not saying things have to end, but this is moving way too fast for me right now. Maybe we could slow things down a bit?”
“Alice, you basically told me your boyfriend dumped you after a miscarriage and didn’t call you for weeks. If that’s the kind of person you want to be with then, maybe it’s not going to work out after all with us,” he told her stonily.
She gasped. “I told you that? When….last night?”
“Yeah, you got pretty upset, actually. You kind were all over the place last night. Real happy one minute, real down the next. Don’t be embarrassed or anything, we all have drunken nights we regret.”
She swallowed hard. “I’m just completely freaked out right now and not sure what to say. Can I call you later?”
“Sure, but try to worry about things so much. I do like you and you warned me about Ryan from the get go. Maybe think about what you really want and then give me a call.” He grabbed his keys and walked down the stairs.
Alice sank into the couch cushions. She wasn’t sure what to do. Did she call Ryan? Try to talk to him tonight? The more she thought about it, the more indignant she became. How dare he march in her house and make her feel dirty? She could sleep with whomever she wanted to. He left her. His sudden change of heart didn’t guarantee she wanted to get back with him.
Chapter Seven
Ryan waited until ten at night to return with Junior. She sat home most of the day, mulling things over and trying to recuperate from her massive hangover. Fast food and massive doses of Advil seemed to finally help. Peter didn’t call and she doubted he would. If things were to progress with him, she needed to take the initiative. Settling things with Ryan was the only way to move on.
When she answered the door, wordlessly he handed over Junior and his leash without meeting her eyes. He turned to leave.
“Are you serious, Ryan? You have nothing to say to me?”
“I don’t think you want to hear what I have to say.” His blue eyes threw daggers at her.
She barked out a laugh. “You will not turn yourself into the wronged party. I’ve been here waiting for you for weeks! Crying myself to sleep, asking God why he took away my baby and the one man I ever loved. So, go ahead and tell me what you think of me. Your opinion means nothing to me now.”
He walked over to her and took her face in his hands. She drew in a breath and she hated that he still had this effect on her. That his touch could make her forget her anger and want him to never leave her again. His
blue eyes burned as he studied her closely. “I’m a complete fuck-up, I know that now. I never cared enough about you, about our relationship, about the…baby.” His eyes pooled with unshed tears and he tore his gaze away from her face. “I didn’t mean to shut you out these past few weeks. It sounds like psychobabble, but that time away was what I needed to get my shit together. Realize that I can’t live without you. But…”
“But what? Say it, Ryan. You never thought I would move on. That I would always be here waiting for you. You know what I’ve been doing these past weeks? Hating you more and more every day. Replaying the conversation in my head where you told me ‘you tried to make the best out of the situation’ while I was carrying our baby.” She bit her lip hard. Don’t cry, she scolded herself.
He looked at her resigned. “Well then, I guess we have nothing left to say to each other.” Goosebumps erupted as he ran his hand down her arm. His hand dropped lifelessly to his side.
“Ry, I really am sorry you walked in on me and Peter this morning. I didn’t plan it and I would never purposely throw something like that in your face,” she said softly. She felt her grip slipping and knew she would cry soon if he didn’t leave.
“Alice…” he pulled her close and breathed her name into her hair. She felt a physical pain when he tore away and headed to the door. Her body begged to follow him and do anything to keep him there with her. Her brain kept her feet planted to the floor.
***
“Alice, talk to me. Where are you? What the hell is going on?” The voice sounded far away. Before she could reply, she heard a branch snap. Turning, she did a quick survey of the woods. How could he have followed her? He should be dead right now.
“Alice! Alice!” The phone screamed into her ear. What was wrong with her? Why did she suddenly feel so confused? It was getting hard to think straight. She went into her bag and grabbed the bottle of pills. How many had she taken?