by Heather Wood
“Jesus Christ, Alice, please just tell me where you are. I won’t take you back to the hospital, I swear it. Everyone’s going crazy looking for you. Things may seem really fucked up right now, but things will get better soon.” The hospital? What the hell was going on? Last time she was in the hospital was last winter when she lost the baby. Right? Why couldn’t she seem to hold onto a coherent thought? She was about to reply when another branch snapped. She dropped the phone and ran.
***
“Hello.”
“So, I had this horrible dream…”
“Yes?”
“This girl treated this guy like a complete shit even though he was one of the nicest guys she ever met.”
“I’m listening.”
“She cried and whined the entire time they were together and he was nothing but kind to her. She basically broke things off before giving things a fair shot.”
“Wow, that girl sucks, hope I never meet her,” Peter laughed. Alice smiled. After Ryan left, she felt uneasy. He threw her off balance with his woeful eyes and intense touches. Peter entered her mind and guilt tore at her. So what they had sex after the second date? She wasn’t the first person in the world to make bad decisions after a night of drinking. He had been compassionate and she did feel a pull towards him.
“I was thinking, if you completely didn’t hate me, you would want to do are second date over?”
“Complete with drunken sex? And early morning brawls?”
“Ha ha. I was thinking along the lines of dinner at my place. Maybe tomorrow?” God, she felt nervous. She hoped he didn’t notice how her voice cracked and she had practiced this conversation for a half an hour before calling.
“Sounds good, what can I bring?”
***
“Quite an eventful week. Although things started out rocky with Peter, you want to give it a shot?” Dr. Crowley asked the next afternoon. She leaned back in her desk chair to wait for Alice’s answer. Alice thought for a long moment.
“I mean, why not? He’s good looking, rich and nice. My mother would love him. No baggage that I can see. No crazy divorced parents or super competitive siblings that I know of.”
“Is that what you blame for the end of your relationship with Ryan? His parents and brother?”
There was definitely some blame to place on Ryan’s parents and brother. His parents hated each other. Ryan and Alice had separate celebrations for each occasion with his family-one with his mother and one with his father and stepmother. Ryan was always put in the middle of their arguments before and after their marriage ended.
Ryan’s brother wasn’t necessarily a bad guy, but she hated the way Ryan’s parents fawned over Logan. He had the most gorgeous girlfriend, he just got a huge promotion, he just bought a house, blah, blah, blah…Ryan was perfect to her and she never felt like his parents told him how wonderful he was and how proud of him they were. She was glad in a way he was staying with his brother since it seemed that his parents constantly tried to drive a wedge between them.
“I don’t blame them, per-se. I just think maybe if Ryan had better role models growing up, he wouldn’t have turned out to be such a dick.”
Her therapist put her pen down and smiled. “You sound good, Alice. Really good. It’s healthy to explore what else is out there for you. Going back to school, dating, these can all help you focus on finding yourself again. Have you written anymore in your journal?”
Dr. Crowley suggested she keep a journal when she first began therapy. Told her it would help her express her honest feelings about Ryan and the miscarriage. “No, not in the past week or so. The entries were so depressing; it’d probably be good to write something positive down for a change.”
Chapter Eight
After making plans to see each other next week, Alice left the office and headed to the grocery store. She decided to make her mom’s recipe for chicken cacciatore. Ryan always complimented her on it and it was fairly simple to whip up.
Pushing her cart through the aisles, she loaded up with the groceries she needed for dinner. She skipped the wine section, better lay off the alcohol this time. Alice didn’t want a repeat performance of the other night. She hoped that Peter wasn’t expecting her to jump back in bed with him again so quickly.
Heading towards the checkout, she stopped suddenly. She inwardly groaned when she noticed Jennifer, Logan’s girlfriend at the end of the aisle. Jennifer and Alice were pretty close, but she was another so-called friend to disappear after Ryan dumped her. She moved her body to bolt in the other direction when Jennifer met her eyes. With a forced smile, Alice walked to her.
“Hey Jen, how are you?” She sounded artificially cheerful. This was an important conversation-she was sure every word would be replayed to Ryan later on. Jen lived with Logan and now Ryan.
“Oh my God, Alice! It’s so great to see you!” Alice winced at her screeching voice. It pretty much brought artificiality to another level. Since Jennifer dated Ryan’s brother, Alice didn’t expect her to automatically take her side, but they used to talk on a regular basis. A phone call to make sure she was alive wouldn’t have killed her.
“Good to see you too,” she replied awkwardly.
Jennifer ran her hair through her platinum blond hair and peered around. Noting the empty aisle, she leaned forward, “I can’t tell you how sorry I am about what happened. You know…with the baby…and Ryan. I can only imagine what you’re going through.” She would have enlightened her if she had bothered to call, Alice thought, but left that unsaid.
“Thanks, Jen. I appreciate it. Say hello to everyone from me. I actually have to get going.” Without hesitation, she shifted her body to head in the other direction.
“Alice, please don’t go. I know you’re probably pissed at me and you have every right to be. I’m a sucky friend and I should have been in touch with you. I picked up the phone probably a hundred times, but had no idea what to say to you. It doesn’t mean you weren’t constantly on my mind,” she explained in a breathless rush. Jennifer was beautiful and had such a captivating way about her-Alice couldn’t help but be drawn in by her words. Alice was always quiet and shy in high school, so she never had a friend like Jennifer before. Whenever she was around her, it always felt like she was finally allowed at the cool kids table.
“I’m not mad at you, Jen. I wouldn’t want you in the middle of the whole thing. It just felt like after Ryan left, I not only lost him, but my entire social circle. I didn’t realize we were only friends because I was with your boyfriend’s brother.” Alice looked around uncomfortable. She hated public displays; the idea of drawing unwanted attention to herself was enough to set her on edge. Luckily, only a lone elderly woman shuffled by, paying no mind to the women.
Jennifer grabbed her arm. “You are my friend. Of course, I was hoping things would work itself out between you and Ryan, but I understand why you’re not taking him back. Ryan and Logan are the same in many ways and have mental issues when it comes to commitment. I just think they’re terrified of having kids because of the fucking number their parents did on them.”
“I know, but it’s not like they’re the first kids to go through a divorce…” Alice began, but stopped at the odd look in Jennifer’s bright brown eyes.
She arched a perfectly tweezed eyebrow. “Ry never mentioned his mom’s boyfriend?”
“What boyfriend?” Alice tried to think back, but never knew his mom had anyone else in her life. She was always alone when she and Ryan would visit on holidays. Alice just figured she chose to remain bitter and alone after the divorce. Jennifer stayed quiet and Alice could see her inner struggle. “Jen, you said you were still my friend. If there’s something I should know please tell me.”
“Okay,” she nodded. Waiting until another customer passed and the aisle was clear, she leaned in close, “Logan doesn’t like to talk about it, but apparently Beth started dating this major asshole after his dad left. The guy had severe anger issues and beat up Logan and Ryan a few time
s. Since Ryan was younger, I think he got the worst of it. She finally got rid of him after their dad threatened to take the boys away from her permanently.”
Alice couldn’t control the tears that sprung to her eyes. Not only did she hate this guy for beating on Ryan, but couldn’t believe he never told her. “Jen, we were together three years. Why would he never tell me?”
“Don’t take it personal, Logan only confessed after getting completed bombed one night. They’re probably ashamed of the whole thing and rather put it behind them. But it’s obviously not working because it’s messing up their personal lives,” she explained. Jen glanced away quickly before returning her gaze. “Ryan loves you Alice. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind. I mean the drinking after you broke-up and how he barely spoke two words to anyone-these are not signs that he was happy to be out of the relationship. I mean Ryan’s like my little brother, but even I have to admit he’s a hottie. He could’ve totally went wild and hooked up with a ton of girls, but instead he was home moping every night.”
“I’m not sure what to say.” After a brief pause, she checked her watch. She had to get moving if she was going to get dinner ready in time for Peter’s arrival. Running into Jennifer had definitely put a damper on her positive outlook on tonight’s date. “Thanks for telling me this stuff, Jen. It makes me feel that maybe I wasn’t completely at fault for how things went down.”
“Alice, I meant what I said, you’re still my friend. Can we hang out? We’re actually having a barbecue next weekend and I’d love for you to come. I know Logan misses you too…”
“Jen, are you on crack? My ex-boyfriend lives with you! I can’t go to a barbecue at his house,” she muttered. Although she said these things, a part of her felt conflicted. Learning more about Ryan’s childhood made her want to talk to him some more. She just couldn’t comprehend why he would never mention any physical abuse. After all they had been through-she couldn’t imagine why he wouldn’t feel she could be trusted.
“I’m sure Ry would be fine with it. Although I would come solo, I doubt he would be cool with you bringing the new guy along. By the way, who is he?” she inquired.
“So Ryan mentioned it? He’s just a guy I met at a bookstore, it’s all very new. Didn’t think I was ready to date, but he’s super nice. Let me think about the barbecue and let you know for sure, okay?”
“Alright, alright, but you’re going to have to give me a little more dish than that when we get together. And please come! I know the situation is weird and bound to be awkward for awhile, but who knows? Maybe you and Ryan could be at least friends.” Friends with Ryan? It was almost too comical to consider. How do you become buddies with a guy who left you babyless and friendless?
“Okay, I’ll give you a call next week either way.” Jen went in for the hug and Alice decided to oblige. It took too much energy to hate her. She wasn’t the most faithful of friends, but at least she was honest with her.
After making a speedy escape from the grocery store, Alice headed home. She resolved to clear her thoughts of Ryan and focus on the exciting potential that Peter held.
Chapter Nine
Peter arrived two hours later with a bottle of wine and a smile. He pulled her into a hug and she felt herself relax. She realized how much she missed the touch of another person. She took for granted the intimacy of having Ryan with her every day. Although their sex life was good, she found herself missing just the simplest signs of affection-the hugs, quick kisses on the cheek, hand holding-the most. She pulled away.
“It’s great to see you, but I’m going to have to pass on the wine tonight. Don’t want to scare you off by turning into a sex-crazed lush again,” she joked. He said nothing and followed her into the apartment. Junior went into a fit again as soon as Peter came into view. Maybe he should stay with Ryan on my date nights, she thought, he doesn’t seem to want another man in the house. Before he could go for Peter’s jugular, she wrestled him into her bedroom and shut the door. After a few barks of protest, he finally settled down.
“I love that you have a pug that acts like a Rottweiler,” he laughed.
“So sorry about that, he’s normally the sweetest thing, but maybe it’s good he’s leery of strangers. I am after all living alone, I could use the protection.” She led him into the kitchen and opened the bottle of wine he brought. After pouring him a glass, she turned to him. His jaw was practically on the floor.
“It’s just us eating, right?” he laughed. Alice blushed. She did go overboard with the food. The counter was full of different appetizers, side dishes and desserts. Most of the food was pre-made that she picked up from the natural foods market down the street. A few of the desserts she threw together last night.
“I didn’t really know what you liked to eat, so I aimed for variety. It was probably silly of me, I could’ve just texted you to ask. I’m forcing you to bring home leftovers though. I’m sure being a single guy you probably have nothing but beer and condiments in your fridge.”
He walked over to her and pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. It felt so intimate, even more so than when he had kissed her. “You’re so different than most girls and it draws me to you.”
Alice shifted uncomfortably. She always felt awkward when complimented. As he gazed at her, she felt naked and exposed. The look in his eyes was analytical like she was a difficult puzzle he was trying to solve. She gave an awkward cough. “Well, I hope everything tastes good. Here’s a plate, so feel free to dig in whenever.”
Peter picked up a spoon and began to pile his plate with the antipasto she had purchased. “You’re a real people pleaser, I can already tell that about you.”
“Is that a good or bad thing?”
“I guess it depends on the situation. I mean, I hope this won’t be out of line to say, but when Ryan walked in on us the other morning, I could tell how much it tore you up that he was unhappy to see you with someone else.”
“But?” she prompted not meeting his eyes.
“But, he was the asshole that left you when you needed him the most,” he said pointedly. She was hoping the subject of Ryan wouldn’t come up. It was completely embarrassing that she told him about the miscarriage. The only reason her friends and family knew was because she had announced her pregnancy the week before she lost the baby.
“Can we not talk about this right now? I really just wanted to have a normal date and take my mind off of things. You seem to think Ryan’s still in the picture, but that’s not the case. I let him know that I’m moving on.”
“You’re right, I suck. You made all this delicious food and I’m bringing up the worst possible dinner conversation. Come here.” He opened up his arms and she practically flung herself at him. He worked his hands up and down her back. It was such a comforting feeling to have someone freely give her affection. He already seemed to know her shockingly well. The remark about being a people pleaser really hit home with her. As long as she could remember, she would try to do whatever it takes to make people like her. Even today, she should have just told Jennifer to go to hell. Instead, she’s agreeing to hang out with her and go to her ex’s house for a barbecue. She wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable with Peter-he had earned her trust already. There were not too many guys who would stick around after multiple meltdowns and a jealous ex-boyfriend in the picture.
She met his green eyes and moved in for a kiss. It started out as soft and tender, but she could soon feel the heat behind it. As they kissed, she let her hands explore his body. His body was hard underneath his clothing and she hadn’t realized how muscular he was. This seemed pretty embarrassing since they were already naked together. The morning after they slept together, she was in such a panic that she didn’t have the time to look appreciatively over his body. The oven timer broke into her thoughts and she pulled out of their embrace.
“Okay, if we don’t stop, I’m sure dinner is going to end up burned.”
Hours flew by as they both enjoyed the food and the conversation. Peter h
ad a great sense of humor and could be very self-deprecating. He had no problem laughing when she began yawning during his dialogue on his work life. Working in an investment firm sounded dreadfully boring to her. He also was well-rounded enough to talk about any subject: politics, literature, pop culture. He offered some wine, but she found no need for it. Her nervousness around him had vanished. After 10:00, she began to clear the dishes. He offered to help, but she insisted on doing it. It felt very seductive the way he watched her as she walked back and forth to the kitchen. She gasped in surprise when he quietly came up from behind her as she loaded the dishwasher and whispered into her ear, “You have no idea how badly I want you right now.”
“Peter, I…” she didn’t have a chance to reply. His kiss started out much more aggressive this time. Her body responded as she felt her heart pick up speed and her breath catch in her throat. However, her mind was chastising and reminding her of her earlier promise to not let things get out of hand again. Although clothed, his hands groped at her breasts, buttocks and pelvis. Pushing her back onto the counter, she felt him harden against her thigh. He began to tug at her clothes. She whispered meekly, “Wait…”
He either ignored her or didn’t hear her. She heard him unzip his pants and finally found her voice. “I can’t.” Her words gave him pause and he sent her a puzzled look. “You’re amazing, this is amazing, but it seems too soon.”
“Alice, we already slept together. Although you don’t remember, I have already memorized every inch of your body.” His tone was soft and seductive.
She felt her resolve melt, but then his words gave her pause. “I thought you said the details about that night were fuzzy?”
“Alright, you got me, I wasn’t entirely truthful. You seemed so upset about what happened I figured it would be best to not tell you everything.”
She pulled away from him and straightened her clothing. “What didn’t you tell me?”