The Wrong Kind of Love

by Lexi Ryan

  “I don’t think anyone expected it,” Jake says, winking at Nic as he starts to clear plates.

  “Let me help,” Nic says.

  Mom tuts. “You’re a guest tonight, Nic. Have a seat and relax.” She looks at Brayden and says, “She didn’t sit down all day. Ran around Ethan’s house scrubbing everything to a shine.”

  Carter picks up the bottle of wine and gestures it toward Nic’s glass. “Are you sure you don’t want any wine?”

  Nic holds up a hand. “None for me, thanks.”

  “Ethan, tell her she’s allowed to drink,” Jake says.

  “You like beer, right?” I say. “There’s beer in the fridge.”

  “This is a Jackson house,” Mom says. “One thing you can always count on at a Jackson house is beer in the fridge.” She grabs the turkey platter and salad bowl and heads to the kitchen.

  Nic shakes her head. Her cheeks are still pink, and she’s more adorable than ever. If anything, my brothers’ attention is making her blush more. “I don’t drink much.”

  “That’s a little sacrilegious around here. You know we brew beer, right?” Levi says. “Malt and barley are the very foundations of this family.”

  Brayden grabs a handful of plates and heads to the kitchen with Mom. “Leave the girl alone,” he calls as he goes.

  Nic slides her gaze to me then back to Levi. “I have poor judgment when I drink.”

  Ouch. I’m pretty sure that was a jab directed right at me.

  Jake grunts and shakes his head. “I’m staying out of this.” He exits the dining room and my remaining brothers follow, leaving me and Nic alone. She pushes her food around her plate.

  “If you don’t like the turkey, I can find you something else.”

  Her head snaps up. “What? No. I’m fine. Really.”

  “I’m sorry about that with Lilly. I’m sure she didn’t realize that conversation would embarrass you, but Mom’s right. You handled it like a pro.” I swallow hard. She is a fucking professional.

  “It’s okay.” She pushes her plate away. “I’m sure she’s used to your friends sleeping in your room, but we can make it clear that I’m different.”

  “Whoa, hold up. Where are you getting that idea?”

  She arches a brow. “You’re a grown man, Ethan. No one would judge you.”

  “Veronica—”

  Her jaw hardens. “Nic.”

  “Nic, I haven’t brought a woman into my house since my wife died for precisely this reason. I don’t want to confuse Lilly. The only women who come into my home are family.” The one exception was Kyrstie, who I thought understood that her time in my home as my friend was unrelated to her time in my bed as my lover. And we all know how badly that ended. I lower my voice in case curious ears are trying to eavesdrop from the kitchen. “That’s why I was so upset to realize you were the new nanny—because the women I sleep with aren’t in my daughter’s life. I don’t blur those lines, and I don’t intend to.”

  “Oh, so it’s sex and never anything more. Got it.”

  Jesus. “I’m not some asshole who goes around using women for sex, but my daughter . . .” I push my plate away. My appetite is gone. I can never eat when I have Elena on my mind, and I’ve been thinking about my wife a lot since Nic walked in my door. “She lost her mother. It’s a wound I’ll never be able to fix, and I don’t intend to parade women around her so she can be hurt again and again.”

  “Understood,” she says, her eyes on her plate.

  “Would you look at me?”

  “Sure.” She lifts her gaze to meet mine, and her eyes look less like smoked honey and more like hard amber. “You don’t have to continue reminding me where I stand. If you’d have bothered to ask, you’d know I’m not interested in having a relationship at all. But I’m especially not interested in one with Dr. McBroody Pants.”

  I frown. “Dr. who?”

  She shakes her head and averts her gaze. “I’m not an easy screw and I’m not looking for love. I’m here to do a job, so please stop assuming I have any other intentions.” She pushes away from the table and leaves the room.

  I watch her go, feeling duly chastised but also rejected.

  Just because you want more from her, that doesn’t mean it goes both ways.

  Nicole

  “But Nana, I don’t want you to go.”

  “I’ll be back,” her grandmother says.

  Lilly’s bottom lip trembles, but I can tell by the firm line of her shoulders and the tilt of her chin that she’s determined not to cry. That alone tugs at my heart. I know what it’s like to be a little girl who has to be braver than she wants to be.

  Dinner’s been cleaned up and the leftovers have been put away. Carter and Levi already said their goodbyes and headed home, and now Jake is supposed to take Kathleen to a hotel by the Grand Rapids airport so she can catch an early flight to New York. There, she’s meeting the friend who’s going to accompany her to Europe—or, at least, that’s what she’s told them. I’m not sure which parts of her story are true and which are fabricated, but I think it’s easier if it stays that way.

  “You’ll miss Thanksgiving and Christmas.” Lilly’s hushed voice suggests she’s saying something shameful.

  “How about we do one of those video chats? I’ll make sure I’m somewhere with the best internet connection so I can see my girl’s face on Thanksgiving Day. And on Christmas . . .” Kathleen looks at me and her chin quivers. “We’ll have to see about that.”

  Because she’ll be further along with her treatments then and might not want Lilly to see her at all. Because she wouldn’t want Lilly or Ethan to see her ill on Christmas when they lost Elena at Christmas.

  Jesus. This whole situation is awful.

  “But we’ll video-chat on Thanksgiving?” Lilly asks.

  “Yes. Because you . . .” Kathleen touches the tip of the girl’s nose. “You are what I’m most grateful for.”

  Oh hell. My eyes burn. I’ve only known these people for a day, and I’m getting choked up.

  Lilly wraps her arms around her grandmother’s neck and squeezes her hard. “I’m grateful for you too, Nana.”

  “Draw me a picture while I’m gone.”

  “I’ll draw you one hundred.”

  “Then I’ll put them all together and have Mr. Vanguilder at the paper shop bind them into a book for me. I’ll put it on my shelf and keep it forever. Something you can be proud of.”

  Lilly looks over her shoulder at me and then back to her grandmother. “I’ll be okay,” she says with a nod. “Nic will take care of me.”

  “Yes, she will. I know it.”

  Guilt knots in my stomach. I hate misleading these people. I have every faith in my ability to care for Lilly, and with the exception of my name, everything I told Ethan from the moment I came to his door has been true. But the guilt remains anyway.

  “My plane leaves very early,” Kathleen says, looking at me. “I need to head over to my hotel so I can try to get some sleep. Ethan, you make sure to help Nic settle in.”

  “You enjoy your trip,” Ethan says to his mother. “When you get back, we’ll have a second Christmas.” He looks at his daughter. “With the cabin decorated and presents under the tree.”

  “Yay! Double Christmas!” Lilly shouts.

  Kathleen wraps me in a hug, and in a whisper so low I can barely hear it, she says, “Thank you. Without you, this would all fall apart.”

  On my second full day at Ethan’s, I’m not sure what to do with myself after I drop Lilly off at school. I used all my nervous energy to clean the house yesterday, so I’m without even the excuse of chores to keep me busy.

  Maybe I should use the time to get weather-appropriate clothes. There are only so many ways I can cycle through the outfits Teagan let me borrow. Today I’m wearing her black leggings with one of my sundresses, my boots, and the flannel I wore on my first night in town, and I can’t decide if the look is hobo-chic or just hobo.

  On the drive to Kathleen’s last
night, I saw a sign for Walmart, so I’ll go there first. As tempting as it is to run my sister’s credit card up with debt for designer clothes, I know myself well enough to realize that I’ll inevitably decide to pay her back. When that day comes, I’d prefer to have as few regrets as possible.

  My first stop is for nanny-appropriate PJs. In other words, the kind of PJs I’d typically wear at home anyway. The last thing I want to do is find myself tucking a restless kid back into bed while wearing a see-through negligee. I’m not used to this cold, so I choose all the flannel and fleece I can find.

  In the women’s section, I grab a few pairs of jeans, yoga pants for housework, and some long-sleeved shirts along with a coat so I can return Teagan’s. I’m contemplating a new bathrobe when I catch a woman watching me. I turn and offer a smile. “Hello?”

  The woman has dark hair and hard blue eyes, and when I smile at her, her nose crinkles like she smells something bad.

  I look down at myself to make sure I don’t have an unzipped fly or toilet paper hanging off one of my shoes.

  “Are you making yourself at home?”

  I frown. “Excuse me?”

  “I wouldn’t get too comfortable if I were you. You’re as disposable as any of his other women.” She shakes her head and mutters an insult before turning on her heel and disappearing into another aisle.

  Did she just call me a tramp?

  The encounter leaves a bad feeling in my stomach, and I hurry to finish the rest of my shopping. On my way to the register, I pass an endcap with crafts. Precut pieces of felt are supposed to be glued together to make a turkey. I throw one in the cart for Lilly and make my way to the checkout.

  I have to stop thinking about the cold-eyed woman. She probably thought I was someone else. Anyway, it’s not like she said anything meaningful. I try to let it go, but the cashier seems to be staring at me too.

  “You’re Dr. Jackson’s new nanny, right?”

  “Is that a problem?” I flinch at my tone. Just because some stranger made me uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean I should take it out this poor girl.

  She shakes her head. “Not at all. Between you and me, I’m just glad he has some help.” She reaches for my things as I add them to the belt.

  I turn toward the door and realize the woman I spoke with by the bathrobes is leaving. “Did she say something to you about me?”

  “Kyrstie was just running her mouth. I wouldn’t give it a second thought if I were you.”

  I gape. “But I don’t even know her.”

  The cashier shrugs. “I know you’re not from around here, so I’ll tell you this: don’t mind these other women. They’re just jealous because you’re where they want to be.”

  “Where’s that?”

  She smirks like I just said something clever, but when I hold her gaze, waiting for an answer, she says, “Well, in his bed, of course.”

  I shake my head. Is this what everyone thinks? First Lilly and now this woman? Kyrstie? I mentally tuck the name away. “I’m just the nanny.”

  “Mmm-hmm.” She winks at me, as if we’re sharing some sort of secret. “Robin Gastonez saw you two cuddling up the other night at Jake’s bar. She said she didn’t need to be in that bathroom to know what was happening in there. Were you just the nanny then?” She chuckles and shakes her head.

  Oh, crap. Does everyone in this town know what happened on Saturday night? Do they know he walked me back to my hotel? That he stayed for a while? If they know that, I’m sure everyone assumes we had sex. Heck, we probably would’ve if he hadn’t been called to work.

  “That was nothing. I was having a bad day and he was being a friend. That’s all.” I hope my smile is more convincing than it feels, but I think I could be an Academy Award-winning actress and nothing I said would change the mind of this woman.

  After I pay, I hurry out of the store and load the car with my purchases. I was going to explore Jackson Harbor today, but the last thirty minutes have made me feel exposed and cheap. I want to hide at Ethan’s house until it’s time to pick up Lilly. It’s a small town. Word spreads fast in small towns, and maybe people seeing us at the bar together on Saturday night got the gossip machine rolling. I’m sure it’ll fade in a day or two, but in the meantime, it’s all too familiar.

  I try to stop thinking about it, but I hate the idea of anyone not liking me. I can’t help it. It’s in my nature. When I was growing up, my quality of life depended on my ability to make people like me. You can’t just outgrow something like that.

  I tell myself it doesn’t matter. I tell myself my stay here is temporary. I tell myself that only I get to judge my actions—not some random woman at the local Walmart.

  But when the doorbell rings, I’m feeling so anxious, torn down, and vulnerable that I don’t want to answer it, and I have to give myself a lecture about how it’s my job to greet whoever’s at the door.

  “Can I help you?” I ask as I pull the door open.

  “Surprise!” Teagan throws her arms out wide and grins at me. “Guess who got called off today?”

  “How did you know where the house was?”

  She shrugs. “Small town. I know stuff.”

  I wrap her up in a hug before she can even get inside. “You have no idea how much I needed to see a friendly face.”

  “Aww!” She strokes my hair. “What’s wrong?”

  “Come inside,” I say. “I need a cup of coffee, and then I’ll tell you about my awesome day.”

  In the kitchen, I make a fresh pot of coffee and give Teagan the rundown of everything she’s missed since we saw each other last—Ethan finding me in his wife’s closet, dinner last night, and, finally, the women at the store today.

  “I wonder who the bitch was,” she says, making a face.

  I shrug. “I don’t know. I’m sure I’ve never seen her before, but she was awful. And then the cashier all but admitted they were gossiping about me.” I take a long swallow of my coffee. I know caffeine isn’t a good idea when my anxiety is flaring up, but coffee is liquid comfort to me, so I’ll just try to stick with a half-cup and hope for the best. “Wait. Kyrstie? I think the cashier said that was the lady’s name.”

  “Dr. Weir,” Teagan says with wide eyes. “Blue eyes and total resting bitch face?”

  “Sounds about right.”

  “Oh, yeah. That makes sense. She and Doc Jackson were messing around last summer, and she didn’t take it well when he wasn’t interested in turning their fling into something more serious.”

  “How crazy do you have to be to take it out on the new nanny?”

  “Bitches be jealous,” she says with a shrug.

  I grunt. “Jealous because I get to live with Dr. McBroody Pants? Seriously? I mean, he’s hot, but no amount of sexy can make up for the guy being an asshole.”

  “Come on, Dr. Jackson isn’t that bad,” Teagan says. When I gape at her, she holds up her hands. “Okay, okay. He’s been terrible to you. But he’s nice to the nurses at the hospital, which is more than I can say for a lot of doctors. It’s more like he’s closed off. Mostly, I think the women are just disappointed that he’s so hard to get close to. Otherwise, he’d be eligible bachelor material.”

  I grimace. “Well, they can have him. I mean, what kind of man doesn’t want to be involved in selecting the person who’s going to care for his child? Don’t you think that’s weird? His mother did everything to hire Veronica.”

  “It is a little weird,” she says. “I bet the whole thing’s hard on him because he still hasn’t gotten over his wife’s death. He doesn’t like the idea of another woman moving in here—even as an employee.”

  The reminder takes the snark out of me, and I sigh. “Kathleen told me Elena died at Christmas.”

  Teagan flinches. “That’s rough.”

  “Brutal,” I agree. My heart aches for Lilly. I’m sure that day left a mark on her. “Do you know what happened to Elena?”

  Teagan shakes her head. “I don’t know. Dr. Jackson was a widower when I
moved here.”

  “It’s weird, Teagan. I’m sure losing her had to be hard on him, but when I walk around this house, it’s like she never left. Her clothes are all still hanging in the closet, her jackets are on the rack in the mudroom, and there’s even a book on her bedside table and a pair of her shoes by the back door—as if she might show up and pick up where she left off at any minute.”

  “Wow.” She blinks and rocks back on her heels. “How long has she been gone?”

  “Three years this Christmas. And if he wasn’t ready to pack up her things, you’d think his mom or one of his siblings would have come in here and done it for him.”

  “Maybe he wouldn’t let them.”

  “I’m sure he wouldn’t, but what exactly is he going to accomplish by keeping all of her things in place?” I shake my head. “I guess I’ve never lost someone like that, so maybe I don’t have any idea of what’s normal. When I see him holding on to her like that, I almost can’t hate him for being an ass.”

  She tucks her hands into her pockets and studies me. “Is he still looking for your replacement?”

  “Yeah, but he said he’ll need me here at least a couple of weeks. They’ll send him a list of candidates and then he’ll have to go through the interview process and all that.” I take a deep breath. “I’m anxious to get away from Ethan, but I hate to leave Lilly. That child is amazing. She’s a super-smart, happy kid. She deserves better than a revolving door of nannies, you know what I mean?”

  Teagan reaches out and squeezes my arm. “I know you’re worried about her best interests, but don’t get yourself too worked up, okay? Look at this place, and look at her with Ethan.”

  “I know,” I say quickly, hoping she won’t finish her thought.

  She does anyway. “Lilly’s mom might be gone, but she’s gonna be just fine. Her situation isn’t like yours and Veronica’s.”

  Nicole

  I’m up early because I couldn’t sleep. I keep thinking about Ethan’s wife.

  Last night, when I was cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, I found a note taped inside a kitchen cabinet. It was written in the same loopy script I saw in the book by Ethan’s bed.