Be My Baby

by Airicka Phoenix

  “You can’t fix this!”

  “All right, come on now.” Jared grabbed her before she could dodge him. “Now, you’re not going nowhere and neither are we until you tell us what’s going on.”

  It was anyone’s guess how they wound up at Jared’s apartment. She had a vague recollection of being gathered up in his arms and the next moment, warmth was chasing away the chill settling into her bones. She was bundled up in a blanket and shoved onto the sofa. Her mother stayed with her, rubbing her arms and legs like she were a little girl who’d spent the day playing out in the snow and needed to warm up.

  Calla didn’t fight it. She sat curled up with her knees drawn to her chest and her head pillowed on the back of the sofa. She kept her eyes closed, hoping they’d leave her alone if she played dead.

  No such luck. They were adamant to fix the unfixable. It infuriated her, while at the same time, consumed her in guilt and self-loathing.

  “Calla.” Gentle fingers brushed back her hair and swept the strands behind her ear. “You’re scaring me.”

  A knock on the apartment door saved her from having to answer. Jared rose off the coffee table and went to answer it as her mother stayed with her.

  “It’s probably your dad,” she said, as though that was reassuring.

  Sure enough, her dad hurried in after Jared, tearing off his scarf and ripping open his coat.

  “Calla?” He slid around her mother and perched on the edge of the coffee table, taking Jared’s place. “What happened?”

  The need to tell them was killing her. She could literally feel herself dying inside. But the more she tried to force the words out, the tighter the noose around her neck became.

  A second knock broke through the apartment.

  “It’s open!” Jared called out without moving from his place just over her mother’s shoulder.

  The door burst open and Willa barreled in with Damon’s hand still gripped tightly in hers. She let go as she scrambled onto the sofa by Calla’s feet, her eyes wide and wet.

  “What’s wrong?” she demanded. “Are you okay? Mom called and said you were at the doctors and something was wrong … what’s wrong?”

  Hot, burning tears welled behind Calla’s eyes. She bit her lip until she tasted blood, but that didn’t stop the tears from falling.

  “I just want to be alone,” Calla whispered. “Please.”

  Her mother touched her knee. “You have family, Calla. Alone isn’t an option.”

  But in this nightmare, she was alone and there was nothing she could possibly tell them that would make what she did okay. Yet she knew she had to tell them something. They wouldn’t let it go otherwise. But aside from that, there was no hiding something like this and if anyone should know first, it was Jared.

  “Can I talk to Jared first?” she asked. “I promise to tell everyone, but I need…”

  Her mother squeezed her knee. “Of course, sweetheart. We’ll wait in the kitchen—”

  Calla shook her head. “Can we talk at Christmas dinner this weekend, please?”

  “Calla, that’s three days away,” her father protested.

  “I know. Please.”

  Her mother and father exchanged glances. Then they both looked at her. They must have seen she wasn’t going to budge.

  “Okay…” Her mother rose and turned to Jared. “Let us know if there’s anything we can do.”

  Jared only nodded.

  He walked her parents to the door. Willa stayed, and because of her, Damon stayed.

  “What is it?” Willa demanded. “You can tell me. I promise I won’t tell anyone, but I won’t be able to sleep the next three days.”

  It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t as though her sister was a doormat, but she had one of those soft, kind hearts that was openly and freely given to anyone and everyone. She had always been the one to cry at the sight of an injured animal. The first one to laugh at a joke even though it wasn’t funny, just because she didn’t want to hurt the person’s feelings. She would give the clothes off her back to her enemy rather than let them suffer without. Not knowing what was wrong would eat at her, but Calla knew not being able to fix it would be worse.

  “I’ll call you tonight,” she murmured. “I promise.”

  Willa looked like she was ready to argue, but she nodded reluctantly and climbed off the sofa. She peered down at Calla, her blue eyes dark with concern.

  “But you’re okay?”

  Calla tried to nod. “I will be.”

  Willa continued to hesitate, even as her hand reached away from her body in search of Damon’s. Her fingers were captured.

  “Call me, okay?”

  Calla promised again she would.

  The two left. She heard the front door click shut behind the people she loved and she was alone with a man she had done nothing right with.

  He walked back into the room and sat in the place of her mother.

  “Talk to me, Calla.”

  Such a simple, reasonable request. But she had been through this song and dance before and memories of it still haunted her. And while she told herself it wasn’t the same, she couldn’t help hesitating.

  “We really fucked up,” she whispered at last. “Our whole relationship is just one giant mess. We did nothing right.”

  He frowned at her. “What do you mean? I thought things were going great.”

  And they had been. The last two months had been some of the best she’d had in over a year. Jared was everything any rational girl could possibly want. He was attentive, loyal, funny, caring, an incredible lover, and he made her feel safe. More than that, he treated her like she was his only reason for living. She hated herself for not being what he deserved.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  There. She said it. It was out there, in his hands to do with what he wanted. It was no longer her responsibility alone.

  He stared at her with a slack-jawed expression that would have been hilarious any other time.

  “With a baby?”

  Calla blinked, then frowned. “No, with an enchilada. Yes, with a baby,” she muttered when he continued to stare at her.

  He blinked a few times, like if he did it enough, the facts would register faster.

  “What? How?” he blurted stupidly. “No, wait … I know that answer. When?”

  “The wedding, I’m guessing,” she replied. “Or the morning after. Dr. Phillips said I’m about two months, so…”

  “Jesus, a baby…” He rubbed a hand over his face. “A baby.” A chuckle followed. Then another, louder. “That’s amazing!” He turned shining gray eyes to her. “You’re happy about that, right?” The smile slipped off his face. “You want it, don’t you?”

  Calla searched his eyes carefully, before answering, “Yes…”

  “But?” he pressed.

  She shook her head. “No buts.”

  “Then why aren’t you happy?”

  She drew the blanket closer around herself. “I wasn’t sure you would be.”

  Jared stared, his brows furrowed. “You thought I wouldn’t want our baby?”

  Her gaze averted from his. “Like I said, we haven’t done anything right…”

  “Are you kidding?” he blurted. “We made a baby, Calla. A baby! What’s more right than that? I am so happy right now I don’t know if I want to cry or scream.”

  She hadn’t realized how much she had needed to hear those words from him until they rang through the apartment. The walls around her burst in a wave of sobs that seized her entire body in a fit of tremors. Jared’s arms were there, gathering her up, blanket and all and pulling her into his lap.

  He chuckled lightly, but with uncertainty into the top of her head. “I don’t know if those are tears of joy, or…”

  Calla gasped around a sob and a wheeze. Her fingers ached in their death grip on the blanket.

  “Talk to me, Calla,” he murmured. “Tell me what’s wrong. Don’t,” he warned when she started to shake her head. “You say you’re happy and
want the baby, but you’re acting like this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.”

  “It’s not,” she choked out. “It shouldn’t be.”

  “But it is?”

  She shook her head. “You don’t understand.”

  His arms tightened around her. “Then tell me. Tell me why you said again.”

  Calla squeezed her eyes closed tight and struggled not to throw up. The nausea had nothing to do with her pregnancy and everything to do with her nerves.

  “His name was Richard,” she whispered into the wad of blanket she’d stuffed against her mouth. “I met him during a very dark and lonely time in my life.” She lowered the blanket and stared at the dizzying pattern. “I was eighteen and away from home for the first time, and all I wanted was to come back. I hated it there. It felt like everyone knew each other and I was the odd man out. It was only six hours away, but most days it felt like another country. Richard came up to me one day while I was reading on a park bench. He said it was a shame I was all alone on such a beautiful afternoon. I told him I was new and he said that was no excuse. He sat with me and we talked. He was older … much older, but he was charming and handsome and he made me laugh. For the first time in what felt like forever, I didn’t feel so completely isolated.

  For weeks, we met on that park bench and just talked. He told me he’d just broken up with his longtime girlfriend because they had wanted different things in life. He told me he owned his own marketing business and traveled a lot and I assumed that was why his girlfriend had left him. He didn’t officially ask me out until the second month.

  It was amazing. He was amazing. I fell in love with him. Hard. He said he loved me back and I think he meant it. I thought he meant it,” she corrected absently. “Maybe he did in his own way.” She broke off and shook her head. “We saw each other for two years…” The familiar wedge of serrated pain lodged in her chest and her breathing quickened as she tried to speak around it. “I thought everything was perfect. I thought we were happy, so when I found out … when I found out…” She rubbed a shaky hand over her mouth. “I found out I was pregnant.” She gasped like she had finally spat out the thing choking her. Tears quickly followed and still she refused to look up at the room, at him. “I thought he’d be thrilled.” She laughed and it came out in a sob. “He wasn’t. He was furious. He asked how I could let that happen. Why hadn’t I taken better care? That was my responsibility. I was dumbfounded. I was crushed. I couldn’t believe…”

  “Calla.”

  It was only when he’d spoken her name that she realized just how hard she was shaking. She ignored it, needing to get it all out now that she was finally purging her soul.

  “He told me to deal with it. That if I wanted to stay with him, then I would need to … to take care of it. It. He said he already had a wife and child and didn’t need another one. That that wasn’t my role.”

  “Son of a bitch!” Jared’s vicious curse went straight past her unnoticed.

  “I told him to leave. That I would be fine. I wouldn’t pick him over my baby. I made plans to take the week off and come home, to tell my mom and dad. I had already accepted that I would live the rest of my life with this tiny person inside me…” She mashed her lips together, took a deep breath. “But I was so angry. I was blinded by it. I hated him. I hated myself for being so naive. How could I have let this happen for two years? How dare he use me like that? All I wanted was revenge.” The familiar wave of her rage washed over her as white hot as it had been a year ago. “I wanted to make him suffer, because that was the sort of person the old Calla McClain was. She was rash and hotheaded. She was selfish. And the more I thought about him, the more I wanted him to pay.

  I tracked down his wife. It wasn’t as hard as I imagined. He had told me enough about his life that it only took me twenty minutes to find her address. I drove out to see her and spent an hour outside her house, debating my decision. What the hell was I going to tell this woman? Did she know? What if she was in the dark like me? Richard had been so good at lying that for two years, I never once questioned anything he did. Then I realized it was because he never lied. He phoned when he said he would. He came home when he said he would. He was exactly where he said he would be. He never gave me a reason to doubt him. I never had a reason to think I wasn’t the only one. What if his wife was the same?

  But I didn’t care. I had this idiotic notion in my head that we would band together and ruin him. I wanted to wave my wrath in his smug little face; no one messed with Calla McClain and got away with it.

  Then a little girl ran out. She was maybe nine. She saw me standing in the middle of their walkway and called her mother before I could say anything. Mariana. That was his wife’s name. Sofi was the little girl. She invited me inside their beautiful home filled with pictures of Richard and his family, smiling and happy. My baby would never have that. He, or she would never know their father, because he was a lying, cheating dirt bag. I told Mariana I was pregnant. I told her about my two year affair with her husband and that I had no idea he’d been married the whole time. I told her I sent him away. That it was over. And all that time, she just stood there, looking at me. Finally, she stopped me and said, why are you telling me this? I thought maybe she thought I was lying, or playing a joke on her. Then she says, didn’t Richard tell you I don’t want to know? I was horrified. She knew. There I was, thinking she was a victim, when she just didn’t care.”

  “Where’s the baby?”

  Wiping her eyes, Calla continued, ignoring Jared’s quiet question.

  “By that time I was twelve weeks along and hadn’t seen Richard since I sent him away. I was walking to my dorm when he found me. He demanded to know why I went to his house. That I shouldn’t have done that. I told him I thought she had a right to know what a cheating bastard her husband was. We argued … badly. I tried to walk away, but he grabbed me. We were standing over these stairs that lead down to the park between the university and the dorms. I lashed out and his grip slipped.”

  “Jesus!”

  “It was only ten steps,” Calla went on, feeling dead and empty. “I was fine. I got up and walked home.” The tears fell in a steady trickle without end. “I woke up that night in the worst pain imaginable. I thought I was dying. There was blood everywhere. I called Richard. I was scared and alone and I just needed someone. He actually came and took me to the hospital. He stayed with me the whole night. But there was … it was too late. They couldn’t do anything. I lost the baby.” A sob hiccupped out of her. “Four months of feeling this little thing growing inside me and it was just gone. Just … gone. I was devastated. I felt like a part of me had died along with it. The nurse tried to assure me that I was only twenty years old, healthy enough to have more. I wanted to punch her. Richard took me home. He said to call him the next day for coffee. Now that the problem was solved, there was no reason why we couldn’t continue on as we had been. I did punch him. Then I told him never to come near me again. That we were done. I packed my things a week later and I came home.”

  Jared said nothing. His silence cut through her, but she still couldn’t bring herself to look up at him. He was now the owner of her darkest secret and it was about to become a defining moment in their entire relationship. What he said next, what he did next would determine everything.

  “I want our baby,” he murmured at long last. “I still want you.”

  She did tip her head back this time to meet his gaze. “Even after everything I just told you?”

  His eyes narrowed. “What part of that was supposed to make me turn away? Because the only thing I want to do is find that son of a bitch and beat the ever loving fuck out of him.”

  She shook her head. “But do you see why I can’t be that girl you used to know? It was her fault I don’t have my baby anymore.”

  “No!” he cut in sharply. “It’s that asshole’s fault he grabbed you. Who the fuck grabs a pregnant woman?”

  She shook her head harder. “But if I n
ever went to see his wife, he wouldn’t have come looking for me. It was my arrogance and that self-righteous attitude that ruined my life. I only cared about myself and my wounded pride. I should have focused on raising my kid. Instead I was a selfish idiot and I paid for it.”

  “But I still love you.” He touched her upturned face lightly with his fingertips. “This Calla, the old Calla, and whatever Calla you’ll be in the future. I love you and I will always love you. None of this changes my mind, or lessens my feelings. I’m ready to go the whole nine yards with you, baby.” He kissed her lovingly and Calla melted against him, feeling abnormally weightless and free. He drew away all too soon and grinned down at her. “So, when can we start telling people?”

  They spent the next three days in his apartment, curled up in his bed, talking about what they would do. They both knew their apartments weren’t big enough to raise a baby. They also knew, that while it was still early in the game, decisions needed to be made and actions had to be taken because time would eventually get the better of them and they’d be left floundering at the last minute. And the whole time, not once did he ever stop touching her. He couldn’t seem to be able to help himself and she never stopped him.

  His excitement made every moment feel precious. It made her feel precious. Whenever talk of baby preparations came up, his eyes would light up and he’d drop everything to sit with her. Compared to her first pregnancy, it was a huge change and Calla couldn’t remember ever feeling so utterly happy.

  Yet despite that, she felt light, like unburdening her guilt had purged her of the weight she’d been carting around the last year. Even when she drew in a breath, there was nothing on her chest to shorten it. She still felt the pain of losing one baby and she knew that would never go away, but it no longer felt like a dark secret shackled to her throat, but a tragic memory.

  “George.”

  Blinking away from the white landscape of snow rolling past her window, Calla turned to the man in the driver’s seat. “What?”

  “George,” he repeated. “I’ve always wanted a son named George.”