Day-Day

by Cronk, LN

  Over dinner we started talking about Stephen. Since we had a psychiatrist sitting at the table I decided to ask her about Stephen and his biological background. I’d already looked up a bunch of stuff online, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask some specific questions. I was pretty sure that Mike had filled her in on everything.

  “I know that things like schizophrenia can have a genetic component,” I said. “How likely do you think it is that Stephen’s going to have the some kind of problem based on his family history?”

  “Based on the fact that his uncle tried to kill himself or that he actually killed two people?”

  “Both,” I said. “And Kyle’s dad killed himself . . . so that’s Stephen’s grandfather. Plus I’m not sure how stable the mother is.”

  Laci shot me a look.

  “Well, I’m not, Laci. If she and Kyle were just messed up because of the way they were raised or something, that’s one thing, but I’m worried that there’s more to it than that. I really don’t want to wake up seventeen years from now in the middle of the night to find Stephen bludgeoning us or something.”

  Mike leaned toward Danica.

  “David’s a bit of a pessimist,” he whispered loudly, smiling at me.

  “I didn’t know that Kyle’s dad killed himself,” Danica said. “How old was Kyle when that happened?”

  “Eleven or twelve, I think,” I said and Laci nodded.

  “You know,” Danica said, shaking her head, “it’s pretty hard to have something like that happen at that age and not get messed up. I don’t suppose either one of them had any counseling after that?”

  We both shook our heads.

  “What was Kyle like when you visited with him in prison?”

  “He was very remorseful,” Laci said.

  “And very worried about how what he’d done was affecting everybody else,” I added.

  “And he accepted Christ before he died, right?” Danica asked.

  We both nodded again.

  “He was actually praying for all of us,” Laci said, “that what he’d done wouldn’t cause any of us to stumble.”

  “What about Kelly?” Danica wanted to know.

  “That’s a different story . . .” I said.

  “What’s she like?”

  “Well,” Laci began, “she wants more for Stephen than what she and Kyle had and she doesn’t think she can give it to him.”

  “Can she?” Danica asked.

  “She wants what’s best for him. She’s doing a lot of stuff right now only because she wants to do what’s right.”

  “Like what?”

  “I know she’s taking all her vitamins and she’s going to her doctor’s appointments . . .”

  “Big deal, Laci,” I said. “That doesn’t mean she’d be a good mother.”

  “There’s more,” Laci went on. “She wants this baby to be saved like Kyle was. She’s been praying for him with me. It’s not something she’s comfortable with, but it was her idea. She really, really wants him to know Christ. I think that’s becoming the most important thing to her. She really loves this baby.”

  “But she doesn’t know Christ?” Danica asked.

  “She hasn’t accepted Him,” Laci said. “I don’t think she believes He can love her. I think she really wants His love, but she won’t allow herself to feel it.”

  “What about Stephen’s father? Have you met him?”

  “Yeah,” I nodded. “He’s just a kid who wishes he could go back and do things differently.”

  “What about Kelly’s mother?” Danica asked.

  “Kelly still lives with her . . . she doesn’t want to, but she’s only sixteen . . . she doesn’t have much choice. Kelly said she drinks all the time . . . pretty much stays drunk. Always has, ever since the dad killed himself.”

  Danica paused for a moment and then looked at me.

  “The fact that both Kyle and Kelly have had the capacity to love and care deeply about people other than themselves is really important. It sounds like medically Stephen’s greatest risks are going to be for depression and alcoholism. Both of those can have a genetic component, but it doesn’t sound like there’s anything else going on there that would be genetic.”

  “Alcoholism and depression?” Laci asked.

  “Yes,” Danica said, “but even though they can both have a genetic aspect, his environment is going to play a huge factor . . . huge. I think his environment is going to greatly outweigh anything else that’s going on.”

  “So you don’t think David’s going to wake up with a knife in his back one day?” Laci asked with a smile.

  “Not unless you put it there.”

  “That’s why I always sleep with my eyes open,” I said.

  Over dessert, Mike asked us if we were going to have a baby shower for Stephen.

  “No,” we both answered at the same time and Laci looked down at her dessert.

  “We pretty much have everything that we need,” I said quietly.

  Danica put her hand on Laci’s.

  “I heard about Gabby,” she said. “I’m very sorry.”

  I was pleased that Danica knew Gabby’s name.

  It made me like her even more.

  “I love Danica,” Laci said as soon as we got into the car. “Didn’t you love her?”

  “She’s great,” I agreed. “Now all we gotta do is get Tanner married off . . .”

  “And Natalie . . .”

  We looked at each other.

  “Hmmm . . .” Laci said (as if she had never thought of that before).

  “Anyway,” I said, “I’m happy for him. Of course I’m even happier for me . . .”

  “Why?”

  “Because I got to go to Chez Condrez for dinner and now I’m getting to go home with you . . .”

  She smiled at me and shook her head.

  “You still think you’ve got a chance tonight . . . don’t you?”

  I was glad that I’d asked Danica about Stephen. That had really been the only thing I was still concerned about and now I wasn’t worried at all. I think I already knew everything that she’d told me, but hearing her confirm it made me feel really good.

  Did I love Stephen yet?

  Maybe not quite . . . but I was getting close.

  I knew it was coming.

  ~ ~ ~

  WE FOUND A house to rent about three blocks from our church. Two weeks before Kelly was due we paid the first month’s rent and a $1,000 non-refundable deposit.

  When we’d been pregnant with Gabby my mom had gone kind of crazy and bought an entire set of nursery stuff for the times we were home. Now my dad and I took all of it out of their attic and set it up in Stephen’s room.

  Laci’s parents gave us her old double bed. They also told us that they’d really been meaning to get a new dining room set and that we could have their old one. Then my mom and dad suddenly decided that they wanted a new couch so we took theirs.

  All the office stuff that we’d used in Jessica’s basement I had bought back when we’d first stayed there before Gabby was born. I set it all back up in the third bedroom, but I didn’t decorate the walls.

  The Saturday after we’d moved in, Tanner showed up at our door.

  “I’m here for the lasagna,” he said.

  “You’re about three weeks too late.”

  “Well, then,” he said, “I’m here to help you move.”

  “You’re about two days too late for that.”

  “Are you sure?” He looked at his watch.

  “Positive,” I said. “But I’m putting together an entertainment center and you’re more than welcome to help me with that.”

  “Great,” he said, rolling his eyes.

  A few minutes later he was as frustrated with the instructions as I was and we decided just to try and do what seemed to make sense.

  “Where’s Laci?” he asked, holding up what appeared to be a drawer front.

  “Spending the day with Kelly.”

  “So this ‘K
elly’-chick is going to basically be a part of your lives for the next eighteen years after you get Stephen?”

  “I guess so,” I sighed.

  “Isn’t that going to be kind of weird?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Is she . . . nice?”

  “She’s quiet. She acts like she thinks I hate her though.”

  “Do you?”

  “No,” I said. “I may resent her a bit . . .”

  “Why? Because she’s Kyle’s sister?”

  “Maybe a little, but mostly I think it’s because she’s keeping us from going back to Mexico.”

  “I thought you hated Mexico.”

  “I never said I hated Mexico.”

  “Yeah . . . you pretty much said you hated Mexico.”

  “Well,” I said, “I don’t hate it now and I want to go back. Maybe I never thought I’d be saying that, but it’s true.”

  “Why? Why do you want to go back?”

  “Mostly because Laci wants to go back there so much. All she’s ever wanted to do is work down there and help those kids. It’s just about killing her to have to stay here.”

  “What else?”

  I rifled through a bag of screws and looked for one that might possibly secure a side panel to the drawer front he was holding. I didn’t answer him.

  “What else?” he asked again.

  “I guess I sort of liked helping the kids too,” I finally said.

  “It’s that Dorito kid, isn’t it?” Tanner asked.

  I looked at him, surprised.

  “What makes you say that?”

  “Because,” he said, shrugging. “I’ve known you forever. I can tell when you really like someone. I knew you liked Laci before you knew you liked Laci.”

  “Yeah,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him. “That’s why you took her to the prom.”

  “Well,” he said, grinning. “I was really just trying to help.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Seriously. I figured one of two things was going to happen . . . either you’d realize that you liked her or she’d realize that she liked me.”

  I threw a drawer handle at him.

  “You can’t blame a guy for trying,” he said, still smiling.

  When Laci got back the entertainment center was finished, Tanner had gone home, and I was sitting on the couch looking at the album Charlotte had given us our first Christmas in Mexico. Laci flopped down next to me.

  “How’d it go with Kelly today?”

  “Good,” she said. “How was your day?”

  “Good.” I pointed at the entertainment center.

  “It looks nice,” she said. “Is it going to collapse if we actually put a TV on it though?”

  “If it does we’ll blame it on Tanner,” I said. “He helped me.”

  “How’s he doing?”

  “Okay I guess. He asked me if I’d help Jordan again this fall,” I said, turning another page.

  “What’d you tell him?”

  “I told him if we were still here I’d be glad to.”

  “I think we’re going to still be here,” she said. “I think you need to go ahead and start planning along those lines.”

  “Not until all the paperwork’s signed,” I said firmly. “Kelly could still change her mind.”

  “About what?”

  “About us having to stay here. Maybe she’s going to decide that she doesn’t ever want to see the baby again. Maybe she’ll decide that it’ll be too painful and that it’ll be easier just to sever all ties with him.”

  “I really don’t think that’s going to happen.”

  “Well, maybe she’ll decide she can’t part with him at all and she won’t let us adopt him.”

  “That’s what you really want, isn’t it?” she asked quietly. She didn’t say it in a mean way or like she was upset. She just said it like she wanted to know.

  “What I really want is for us to be able to be happy,” I told her, “no matter what happens.”

  “We will,” she promised, resting her head on my shoulder and looking down at the album.

  We flipped on through the pages and came to the section with the letters from all of our friends. We looked at Greg’s page for a very long time and then we turned to the end where Charlotte had left the blank pages for us to add things about Gabby.

  There was her birth certificate with her little footprints on it and a tiny plastic bag with a lock of her hair. The rest of the pages were still empty.

  We stared at that page for a long time too, just sitting quietly and looking at it. Laci ran her finger back and forth across the little bag.

  “We’re going to put Stephen’s stuff right here,” I finally said, touching the first blank page.

  “Okay,” she nodded, and then we closed the book.

  ~ ~ ~

  THE CALL FROM Kelly came in the middle of the night a day before she was due. Laci answered the phone and told her we’d be right there.

  I’d been to Kelly’s house before, but never inside. I’d always either picked her up or dropped her off outside. She’d never seemed to want me to go in.

  I was about to find out why.

  Laci turned to me just before we let ourselves in.

  “Kelly’s hasn’t had the energy to do much lately,” Laci said. “Usually she tries really hard to take care of her mother and clean up and stuff . . .”

  “Okay.”

  “I just . . . I just don’t want you to be shocked . . .”

  That warning did no good . . . I was shocked. Every negative image that might come to your mind when you think of what a drunk’s house might look like will probably not do justice to what I found when I entered that house. It was awful.

  It smelled like garbage. There were dirty dishes covering every available surface and there were empty liquor and wine bottles littering the floor.

  Laci went down the hall, presumably into Kelly’s bedroom, and I could hear them talking to each other. I stayed in the living room and looked at a picture that was hanging askew on the wall.

  It was of the Dunn family . . . taken before their father had killed himself. They all looked so happy, so . . . normal. I looked into the eyes of the father, searching for the answer as to what could have gone wrong and set such a terrible chain of events into motion. They just smiled back at me, saying nothing.

  Kelly and Laci finally emerged from the bedroom and Kelly was startled to see me. She seemed horrified that I was seeing the inside of her house, plus she was probably scared to death about what was getting ready to happen.

  We helped her into the car and Laci sat in the back with her while I drove.

  “Is it bad?” Laci asked.

  “Well,” Kelly said softly, “it’s bearable right now, but this is early on . . . right? I don’t know if I’m going to be able to take it if it’s a whole lot worse.”

  “If it gets bad you’ll just get an epidural,” Laci assured her.

  “But what about the baby?” she cried. “I don’t want to do anything that’ll hurt the baby.”

  “Kelly,” Laci said, “you know they’re not going to give you anything that’s going to hurt the baby.”

  “But it’s better for the baby if you don’t have anything,” Kelly said, starting to sob. “I just want to do what’s best for the baby!”

  “I know you do,” Laci said, trying to sooth her, but Kelly kept crying. I drove faster.

  We arrived at the hospital and got Kelly all checked in. She walked into her room with Laci at her side. I wasn’t sure, but I had the eerie feeling that it was the same room that Gabby had been born in. Probably not though. Don’t they all look the same?

  “Are you going to be in here for the birth?” the nurse asked me.

  “Ummm,” I wasn’t really sure what to say.

  “Yes,” Kelly said, surprisingly loud. Then more quietly she said to me, “If you want.”

  I nodded at her.

  The doctor came by, checked Kelly, and informed us that it was g
oing to be a while. That turned out to be an understatement. I called our parents at seven in the morning and they spent the entire day in the lobby. It was after ten o’clock that night before the doctor told Kelly she could finally start pushing.

  She didn’t take one thing for pain the whole time.

  ~ ~ ~

  STEPHEN WAS BORN one minute after midnight. I think he’d been waiting until his actual due date to arrive. In contrast to Gabby’s birth, it was very, very loud in the room when he was born. Most of the noise came from Stephen who was howling and crying at the top of his lungs.

  They wiped him off hurriedly and pretty soon he was all swaddled up and a nurse walked over to Kelly with him. The nurse started to hand him to her, but Kelly shook her head and pointed at Laci. Then she started crying.

  The nurse handed the baby to Laci, but Laci didn’t hold him too long because Kelly was crying so hard. She handed him to me and took Kelly’s hand, talking to her softly.

  I looked down into Stephen’s face. Many times I had tried to imagine what I would feel when I saw him for the first time or what I would think. Usually I pictured myself feeling resentful or angry or sad. I’d tried often to see myself as happy or elated or thrilled.

  The reality was that all I saw was a little baby boy and he didn’t remind me of Gabby or Kyle or Greg or even his mother.

  He was just Stephen.

  ~ ~ ~

  KELLY WAS GOING to get to spend all of Stephen’s birthday in the hospital and then be released the following day. We went home for a few hours to sleep after Kelly had promised Laci that she’d be okay by herself. I think she was sound asleep before we left the room.

  The next day we visited for about two hours in the morning and then again in the afternoon. Kelly got up and took a walk around the ward with Jessica – I think so that we could be alone with Stephen for a little while.