Choosing to SEE

by Mary Beth Chapman

  S:

  Stevey and Shaoey both are currently taking gymnastics and playing basketball . . . along with Stevey doing dance and both girls attempting to keep up with piano and voice!

  That makes me tired just typing it.

  Stevey is a very gifted gymnast and dancer, while Shaoey loves to flip and flop and make some mean defense happen on the basketball team.

  Willy Frank has signed on to help out with Stevey’s bball team. It should be a hoot! I’m certain with the Asian genetics, gymnastics is much more in our future! Stevey is on track to compete at some point, while Shaoey just wants to learn impressive skills like her accomplished round off back handspring back tuck.

  T:

  Travel for Steven, me, and our two little people, heading to Ireland after Christmas. Emily and Tanner have a bit of a break, and we decided for a Christmas present we would cash in some frequent flyer miles, head to the Irish coast, treat Emily and Tanner to a quick visit to London and Paris, and then head back to Dublin and then home. Phew!

  M:

  Maria’s Big House of Hope (MBHOH) officially opened this past summer. Our entire family, along with some close friends, all traveled to China to be a part of the dedication ceremony. It was really, really great, and really, really hard . . . one of those places that God has you walk.

  When I left there, I begged God to let me SEE Maria.

  I did! I’m convinced that I saw her in every giggle, cry, and child that was being given life-saving medical care there. I heard her in the nannies’ voices and I smelled her in the air.

  I pray that God would allow me to keep walking in faith to know that His ways are higher! Trust, trust, trust! What else do I have?

  Believe me, easier said than done. Many days you can find me curled up in my La-Z-Boy crying my eyes out, wishing with everything that she were going to be here to open up Christmas presents with the rest of us this year! I still think I’m dreaming sometimes! Oh, to kiss that little neck of hers!

  A:

  Answers to all my questions: there have been none. If I had answers . . . then I guess there would be no use for faith and hope! I’m hoping in the unseen. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not SEE. But one day, my sweet friends . . . we will SEE! I wonder why that was the word she left? Maybe that’s an answer!

  S:

  Speaking. Many of you have asked, so now is the time to address a few things coming up. After much prayer and a huge confirmation from God, we as a family have decided to do some different things next year. Steven will continue to do the Women of Faith conferences, which have been such a blessing to him and the boys.

  The wonderful staff of WOF has asked me to be a part of their team and to do a speaking segment at the conference. Yikes!

  Do you know what this means? The three things I said I would never do:

  1. Adopt

  2. Homeschool

  3. Speak in public

  Well, it looks like during the next school year, I’ll be taking my adopted children out on the road with Steven to homeschool them. This is so that I can speak to many of you at Women of Faith conferences all over the country!

  One thing I’ve learned, don’t tell God what you won’t do!

  Well, in the Spirit of Maria (who loved to rock out), the Chap-mans wish you a rockin’ Christmas!

  February 1, 2010

  It doesn’t get much better than about five inches of good sledding snow in Tennessee. A rare thing indeed! It has given us a four-day weekend to enjoy the cold, the snow, and some yummy hot chocolate with friends!

  Yesterday we ventured onto our neighbors’ property (with permission, of course) to find the perfect hill for the little ones, plus some added dangers for the bigger kids in the group!

  Our little Maria used to say all the time, “I love it when my whole family is together!”

  Without Emily and Tanner, who are still studying in Belfast, and of course without that little infectious nugget of a girl who knew how to laugh at all things, while snot and slobber dripped out of every open spot on her face. . . . She must have known in her short time here on earth the importance of that statement – “I love it when our whole family is together.” I would venture to say that idea isn’t just in the physical sense, but in the emotional and spiritual sense as well.

  Since May 21, 2008, our whole family being together has been a challenge of the greatest proportions. I’m here to say that this journey is just plain hard. But what do we do?

  Just like the silence you hear (or don’t) in woods full of snow . . . the insulation it brings from the snow covering everything . . . that’s what I feel like I hear on most days . . . nothing!

  But again, until I die or Jesus comes back, we will do hard. And even when we feel our God is being silent in the pain . . . that is where the truest sense of faith must come into play.

  But again, I have hope in how the story ends. I can’t wait for the day when I can hear the giggle of that little girl as we lay in the best snow ever and make snow angels like she used to love to do.

  In the meantime, I love all of you and consider it a great honor to share my thoughts with you. Here’s to faith, trust, and hope . . .

  41

  Spring Is Coming

  When you SEE this, your heart will rejoice and you will flourish like the grass; the hand of the Lord will be made known.

  Isaiah 66:14

  Hear the birds start to sing Feel the life in the breeze Watch the ice melt away The kids are coming out to play Feel the sun on your skin Growing strong and warm again Watch the ground There’s something moving Something is breaking through New life is breaking through

  “Spring Is Coming”

  Words and music by

  Steven Curtis Chapman

  Steven’s Beauty Will Rise CD is a collection of his psalms about Maria. For Steven, the raw material of his grieving was like clay or paint, something to be shaped into art and worship, even if it was rough. He took his pain, his questions, his trust, his love, his fear, and his faith into the recording process.

  He didn’t want the CD to sound too polished or commercial, so he recorded in foyers, back stage during his “United” tour with Michael W. Smith, on the bus, in locker rooms, in an actual shower stall, and from the road in China in the summer of 2009.

  The process was immeasurably hard.

  But it was a poignant tribute to life and death, the pain and the comfort that came from saying a temporary goodbye to Maria.

  As he was writing what would be the last song on the album, Steven’s thoughts returned to the day of Maria’s burial. He kept thinking about the words of our pastor, Scotty Smith. At the graveside, Scotty had said that Maria’s burial represented a seed being planted into the ground. He talked about what it means to plant a seed and wait – until a seed falls to the ground and dies, it can’t come to life.

  Because of Jesus’ death and resurrection, Maria will also be raised. Not with a weak, natural body, but a powerful, spiritual body. Scotty talked about the promised spring that is coming when all things will be made new. Because the gospel is true, we can wait for that day with real hope . . . the ultimate day when icy winter gives way to the warmth of spring and a permanent, glorious new life will spring forth.

  When it came time to record “Spring Is Coming,” Steven wanted to do it right at the cemetery where Maria’s shell is buried. We had picked her plot because it was in the back of the cemetery and we thought it would be peaceful. We didn’t realize that there was an industrial park nearby. With Maria’s spunky attitude, she would have loved all the noises that come with traffic and businesses. So it was good for her, so to speak . . . but it just wasn’t going to work for recording a CD.

  So Steven ended up recording at the home of our dear friends, the Andersons, who had given us respite in the sad days after Maria’s departure and where Maria had spent many, many happy days before that.

  Steven recorded on the Andersons’ dock on their beautiful l
ake. Here is where Will had cried out so desperately in the days right after the accident, where family and friends had held him and prayed for him.

  This was also the same spot that on May 10, 2009, Caleb Stevenson Chapman married Julia Elizabeth Anderson. She had grown up dreaming of getting married on that dock, and we celebrated their union.

  So what an appropriate place for Steven to record his haunting, compelling, sweet, powerful song! “Spring Is Coming” became a theme for us all, an emblem of hope in the cold, dark months of grief when our hearts were frozen hard within us.

  Then, not long before this book went to press, we found out something we didn’t know before.

  Emily and Tanner, off at Belfast Bible College, had befriended a Chinese student. One winter evening, Emily was sitting with her new friend, Sophia, and asking her questions about speaking Mandarin, which Emily had studied in college. On a whim she asked Sophia about the English meaning of Maria’s Chinese given name. Emily didn’t know the Chinese characters for it, just the English phonetic spelling.

  “Chun Xi,” she told her friend. “It’s my little sister’s name.”

  “Oh,” Sophia said. “Chun . . . this means ‘spring.’ And let’s see, Xi means ‘twilight,’ or ‘dawn,’ like ‘spring is on the horizon,’ or like ‘spring is coming.’ Yes, that’s it. In English you would say ‘spring is coming’!”

  Emily couldn’t believe it.

  Our Maria had been given her Chinese name by an unknown social worker at an orphanage in China soon after she was abandoned at two days old. Because we had met her as “Maria” when she was already with the Hedden family, we didn’t think much about researching her Chinese name. We knew it was Chun Xi, but with Maria being Chapman number six, we hadn’t taken the time to explore it further.

  And now, years later, in the winter of our grief, we were living the poignant title of Steven’s song . . . and finding out that her very name meant the exact truth that was sustaining us all: Spring is coming.

  When Emily called us from Ireland, we were stunned by this amazing story that some might call coincidence. We knew that God had given us another glimpse of the story that He is telling, one He had orchestrated from the beginning of time. He knew what the Chinese social worker in a communist country would name an abandoned orphan . . . and He knew that Steven, grieving his precious daughter’s death, would name the last song on his CD the exact meaning of her original name.

  Incredible.

  We Chapmans are big on due diligence. Emily got a copy of Maria’s birth name in its Chinese characters and brought the paper to her Chinese friend.

  “Ah, I see,” her friend said. “This is very similar, but more specific. The name means ‘spring river’!”

  We found that name to be even more significant. A spring river results from the melting away of winter’s snow. The purest water flows from spring rivers . . . God’s means by which formerly frozen ground can soften and bloom again with the life of spring.

  So God confirmed this truth yet again: I can choose to SEE His story, or I can miss it. And I know – in the winter of our grieving and the frozen mourning of my plans that will never be and my dreams that have died – the reality is this: God’s warm breath is on the move. New life is budding . . . and often where I expected it the least, like right inside of me.

  So where better to end this book?

  Yes.

  Spring is coming . . .

  “Spring Is Coming”

  We planted the seed while the tears of our grief soaked the ground

  The sky lost its sun, and the world lost its green to lifeless brown

  Now the chill in the wind has turned the earth hard as stone

  And silent the seed lies beneath ice and snow

  And my heart’s heavy now

  But I’m not letting go

  Of this hope I have that tells me

  Spring is coming, Spring is coming

  And all we’ve been hoping and longing for

  Soon will appear

  Spring is coming, Spring is coming

  It won’t be long now,

  It’s just about here . . .

  Acknowledgments

  Where does one who has so many to bless and thank begin? When the accident happened, two years ago at the writing of this, I would never have imagined the journey that I would go through personally. I’ve come to the conclusion that even if it were just one book that ended up on my bookshelf, the process would have been worth it. The writing of this book has taken me to the depths of my pain that I haven’t visited in a long time, and I am grateful for a tender Savior who journeyed with me through some of the darkest places a person can journey. Thank You, Jesus, for shining light in areas that continue to help in the healing process. For where I have been wounded, you are binding me up and turning the winter into spring.

  Ellen Vaughn. You are lovely. Not only are you a gifted writer, you were not afraid to step into the messiness and pain of my life. Thank you for coaching me and helping me bring this story from deep within my soul.

  The entire gang at Creative Trust. Jim Houser ##., you are the best manager to work for (LOL). You are a brave man for taking on the Chapman clan. Thanks doesn’t seem enough for all we’ve put you through. Dan Raines, Jeanie Kaserman, Kathy Helmers, Meredith Smith, Jenny, Jessica, and the rest: I am grateful for your hard work and diligence in making this book a reality! Thank you for believing. Thanks also to the Chapman web guru, Dale Manning.

  To my new family at Revell. Andrea Doering, you are so kind and wise. Twila, Cheryl, Jennifer, Michele, Deonne, Amy, and Mary: I have truly enjoyed learning the process of the book world and am grateful for the hours of work you have done on my behalf. Even when I was driving everyone crazy, I totally felt like you were for me. Thanks for putting up with my idiosyncrasies in trying to deliver the “perfect book.” I really tried not to have control issues, but then, something just takes over! You all have been nothing short of stellar in believing in a story of a woman who somehow ended up in a life she didn’t plan! God so knew what I needed. Thank you! Please know that handling this story as gently and as carefully as you have does not go unnoticed.

  Beth Moore. I have admired your work for many Bible studies. Breaking Free changed my life several years ago. Only God in His infinite wisdom would have us connect in the ways that we have. I am flat honored that you shared your precious dream with the reader of this book. My confirmation to move forward and to know in confidence that there is no doubt a wiggly, sticky little girl who goes with me and all is well with her soul. I thank my God for you!

  The Women of Faith team. Thanks for the encouragement and for allowing me a place to feel safe while I learn the process of sharing my story.

  (Danny) and Melissa, the best Missa in the world. Maria was blessed to know you. I know you miss her, and I’m so sorry for the ache in your heart. Your unwavering belief and reminders to me of where Maria is have kept me breathing on days. She loves you, to infinity and beyond!

  David Trask, did you ever know that you’re my hero? Thank you for serving the Chapman family as road manager all these years. You’re living your own pain-filled life and still have made yourself 100 percent available to us, especially Will.

  Grace (amazing), Sydney, Herbie, and Wendy. The people behind the Chapmans. What would we do without you to make Steven and I look like we are half sane. You all have been through it with us. Not only walking with us through the pain of loosing Maria, but the pain of watching Steven and me doing our best to allow God to be honored in the story of our lives. Thank you for being the people behind us that we can count on to do the daily “stuff” that keeps us moving forward.

  Show Hope – my passion. Steven and I have been blessed to be part of an amazing ministry that all began out of a desire to get children adopted into loving homes and offer care to orphans around the world. The staff as well as the board are the most amazing group of passionate people in the world. God has blessed us beyond measure with our
fearless, godly leader, Scott Hasenbalg (when I say Scott, I mean his wife Kerry as well). Scott, you are long-suffering and gentle, always putting others first. You have led Show Hope greatly by being a living example of humility. Charley, Wendy, David, Nick, Kathy, McKensey, Julia, Caleb, Cathy, Melissa, Katie, Brooke, Lind-sey, Stacie, Phil and Emily: “I have an idea . . .” jk. I love you dearly. Your commitment to your work and helping the fatherless without voices of their own is inspiring. I appreciate your dedication!

  The friends that held us up during the darkest, longest hours of our life:

  Reggie, Karen, and the crew. There are no words for what you endured by loving us during this time. You gave us your hearts and your home without hesitation. Saying thank you is simply not enough. Karen, I love you. I’ve been one tough friend to love through this grief; patience and wisdom are your gifts. David, you are the friend that sticks closer than a brother. Will is blessed by you.

  Lori Mullican. I am so sorry it took ten years and more pain for the circle to complete. I knew instinctively to call, and within minutes you were there. I know it brought up so much history and pain, and yet, God was there in the midst of the chaos. The coffee talks have been a balm to my soul. Alex, I’m so proud of you!

  Geoff and Jan. We’ve known you since 1984 when we moved to town. An instant friendship began. When I think about our past together, I look forward with great delight to the future. Thank you for following your heart to China for Anna Grace and Ashley Rose. No words were spoken, but your presence in the room spoke volumes the night of May 21.

  Terri and Dan, thank you for stepping way out. It has cost you a lot. I’m so sorry for the hard. You are my adoption heroes. Your example changed the look of our family, and I can’t thank you enough. Show Hope was born, in part, as a result of the call on your lives and your faithfulness to follow through. Your heartbeat for orphans is now beating in me.

  Mark and Ann, who were the prayer warriors for our whole family. You provided a safe place and sweet Scripture readings over Will Franklin daily. We love you and count it a privilege now to return the favor and intercede on your behalf. Ruthy, you have been an amazing strength for Will. Mature beyond your years. I love you.