Touched

by Carolyn Haines

  She put the plate on a tray with some milk and toast. Pushing open the kitchen door with her butt, she stopped and looked at me. “Mattie, would you throw Pecos those crusts of bread?” Then she vanished through the door.

  I took the crusts and went outside. Pecos was still not my best friend, but we’d gotten to the point where he didn’t try to spur me anymore. I’d just finished crumbling the bread when JoHanna came out the door, her apron in her hand. She dropped it on the top step and signaled for me to follow her as she started across the backyard and into the woods.

  We walked about fifteen minutes before we came to a small creek completely canopied by trees. We walked downstream to a place where the creek was nearly four times as wide, and deeper, the current a good bit slower. JoHanna began to take off her clothes. “I need a swim,” she said.

  I looked down at the ground, suddenly self-conscious. I’d never taken my clothes off in front of a woman except my mother and sisters, and that had been before I was married. JoHanna had said before that she swam naked, but I hadn’t really believed her. She’d brought no bathing suit.

  “In deference to your sensibilities, I shall swim in my underwear.” JoHanna was teasing me with her tone and her words. I looked up to find her standing in her bra and drawers, hardly more than scraps of lace. “I think you should give this a try. I find that I think more clearly after a swim. And we don’t have long. Duncan will need me to help her get dressed.”

  She walked into the water, giving a little shriek at the coldness of it. When she was knee deep, she dove in, surfacing on the other side of the black water. “It’s cold at first, but the water’s deep enough here.” She pointed downstream. “Will gave some beavers a little assistance to dam it up so we could swim.”

  The thought of Will made me blush. It was not hard to believe that he and JoHanna had frolicked down here plenty of times, naked as Adam and Eve.

  “Come on, Mattie. Your underwear will dry out before you get home. I swear, it’ll make you feel better.”

  I stood up and unbuttoned my green dress. It fell around my feet, and I stepped out of it, leaving my shoes behind as well. The dirt was black, hidden from the sun by the thick growth of trees. I walked down to the water and waded in, stopping at my ankles. It was bitterly cold.

  “Get in a little deeper, then dive. It’s too hard to inch in.” JoHanna was doing a breaststroke, the flow of water holding her stationary.

  I could swim a ragged, unrhythmic stroke that kept me afloat and inched me along in the water, but nothing like her movements. Instead of diving, I sort of squatted in the water, the cold so abrupt that it made me feel as if my heart would burst.

  “I love my hair short.” JoHanna brushed her hand across the fuzz that she had managed to level out a little. Perhaps her aunt had helped her cut it. “Now, when I get hot, I just put my head under the pump. It’s so cool. So easy.” She laughed. “I always wondered why men wore their hair short. Now I know.”

  I was moving my arms and legs frantically to keep from freezing. But JoHanna was right. I was beginning to adjust. “Are you … ever … going to let … your hair grow back?”

  She laughed at my question. “I suppose I’ll have to. Duncan’s life is hard enough without me making it worse. She’ll have to go back to school this fall.”

  I hadn’t even given school a thought. Poor Duncan. What was she going to do with all of the kids thinking she’d cursed Mary? And she would have to have a rolling chair.

  “Come here, Mattie.”

  JoHanna’s voice was soft. I looked up. She was standing with the water just above her breasts, which were clearly visible through the lace of her bra. She was motioning for me to come on out to deeper water beside her.

  The bottom was sandy, except in places I could feel with my toes that it was hard clay. Not as slick as I thought it would be. I inched out toward her, aware, too, of the pull of the current. It was faster than it looked, even in the deep pool. If Will hadn’t built the dam just below us, the water would have been a flash. Fighting the current, I made it out to JoHanna without being swept off my feet. As I got into the deeper water, there was less pull.

  “Relax.” JoHanna put her arm behind my neck and eased me backward. I had a terrible moment remembering how Mary Lincoln had struggled, but JoHanna’s voice was calming.

  “Relax. I’ve got you. Just lie back, and you’ll float. I’ll support you.”

  I could feel her hands beneath my shoulders. My legs had floated up of their own accord, and she had one hand under my knees.

  “Close your eyes.” JoHanna was smiling down at me, amused by my rigid posture. “I won’t let you go, Mattie. I swear. I won’t let you go under.”

  I closed my eyes and let my head relax back into the water until my ears were covered. I could feel the weight of my hair begin to stream out behind me. My head was pointed downstream and the water seemed to rush by me. The play of sunlight in the tree branches flickered on my eyelids. It was hypnotizing, and I felt my body relax a little more.

  “Now that’s it,” JoHanna said.

  She kept herself perfectly still, an act of will. She was my mooring, my anchor. As long as she held me, the current could not pull me away. I looked up into her face.

  “Tell me what’s wrong,” she said.

  I watched her lips move, shape the words. They were distorted, but I could hear her. All the hard edges were removed, softened by the water.

  “If I’m pregnant, I don’t want the baby. I would rather die than have his baby.” My own voice was loud in my ears. I watched her face but saw no reaction.

  “Does Elikah know?”

  Her lips made the words again, and they came to me from a long way away, floating down to my ears.

  “No.”

  She nodded. “Relax.” She closed her eyes and began to move very slowly in a circle. My body followed her movements, buoyed by her hands, and I closed my eyes, letting the sun and shade play like the quick burst of fire poppers inside my eyelids. I had spoken my worst desires aloud to her, and she had not found me repulsive. She had not abandoned me. She did not think I was a monster.

  I felt her hand beneath my knees drop, and my legs lowered very slowly, until my feet were in the sand. Pulling my head out of the water was hard. My hair was wet, saturated, heavy, and it wanted to hold me down. I stood and opened my eyes.

  “There’s a doctor in Mobile. When Will brings the car back, I’ll take you. But you can’t ever tell anyone, Mattie. And you should know that you might never be able to have a child.”

  I felt as if the water had hold of me, as if I had no control over what I said or did. “I never want children.”

  She reached out and touched my cheek. “Are you sure?”

  “I’m sure.” I knew by the look on her face what I was giving away. But she had no way to understand why I did such a thing. No words could explain it. I couldn’t even really understand it myself. But I knew it was right.

  “I’m going to swim for a few minutes. Why don’t you get out and start to dry. Your hair is a lot longer than mine, and it’ll take more time.”

  She knew I couldn’t go home with my hair wet, but even though it was thick and fine, it would be dry long before I made the walk back to Jexville. It was going to be at least a hundred degrees by midday. A really hot one for Duncan and her picnic with Floyd.

  JoHanna was talking of the scuppernong jelly that her Aunt Sadie had made. They had gone into the swamps beside the Pascagoula River and picked the wild grapes themselves. She was chatting away, trying to move the day past my terrible confession. We had just gained the edge of the yard when we heard the crash of dishes.

  “Duncan!” JoHanna tore off across the yard leaving me to follow right behind her.

  Pecos was in the window crowing and squawking to raise the dead as we ran to the back door and into the house.

  “Duncan!” JoHanna didn’t stop in the kitchen but ran to the bedroom.

  “Mama!” Duncan’s voic
e was upset. “It’s the man again. He was under the bridge. He was reaching out for me. Mama, he was calling my name and reaching out for me!”

  I stopped outside the room, terrified by what she was saying. Her voice was soaked in anguish, drenched in fear. I could almost hear her heart beating in her words.

  “Oh, Duncan.” JoHanna’s words were both calming and afraid. “It’s only a dream, honey. He can’t get you. You know I’d get the shovel from the yard and beat him to death before I let him take you.”

  I could see her on the bed, Duncan pulled into her arms. Pecos was still in the window squawking, but he’d calmed some. I wasn’t prepared for Duncan’s response.

  “You can’t kill him, Mama. He’s already dead.”

  I put a hand against the wall to brace myself. Then I walked to the doorway and surveyed the broken dishes on the floor and JoHanna in the bed with her daughter, holding her tight. Without saying anything I began to pick up the dishes.

  “No matter that he’s dead, I wouldn’t let him have you.”

  I cast a glance at JoHanna to find that she was as white as Duncan. All of the healthy glow of our swim was gone.

  She felt me looking at her. “Duncan has been having this recurring nightmare.”

  “I fell asleep after I ate breakfast.” Duncan looked down at the floor. “I’m sorry, Mattie. I didn’t mean to break the dishes. But I was trying to get away from him and I was running, but I was in the water and my legs wouldn’t work right.”

  I put a hand on her leg and patted. “Hey, it’s okay. Your mama has lots of plates.” Beneath my fingers I felt her leg jump suddenly, as if she’d been pinched. “Duncan?”

  “What?”

  I stood up slowly. Perhaps it had been my imagination. “Your leg. It moved.”

  JoHanna sat up and put her hands on Duncan’s legs. “Can you move them?”

  Duncan’s brow furrowed, her dark eyes narrowing with concentration. Her lips pinched together and she braced against her pillows with her arms.

  “That’s it!” JoHanna jumped from the bed and threw her hands in the air. “They moved! Both of them, Duncan! They moved!” She threw herself across the bed, hugged Duncan, then got up and ran around the bed to hug me. “They moved!”

  Pecos fluttered into the room and landed on Duncan’s bed. He gave me a look, cocked his head and looked again, then lifted his wings slightly, a warning to me not to get too close when the room was in a state of wild emotion.

  “Pecos!” Duncan grabbed him by a leg and dragged him over to her. “Don’t be mean to Mattie.”

  JoHanna swooped down and kissed Duncan’s forehead. “It was all that swimming we did up at Fitler. I told you the river was magic, that it would bring the muscles back.” She was almost jumping up and down with delight.

  Duncan grinned up at her. “Nope, it was the dream. I dreamed I was running, and I tried. That’s how I threw the tray off me in my sleep.”

  JoHanna grabbed her hands, bringing them up to her lips for a kiss. “Then thank god for the dream, Duncan. If it takes getting chased by a drowned man to make you run, then let’s get him to come after us again.”

  “Drowned man?” My question fell into the joyous celebrations of the room unheard.

  “Drowned man?” I asked again.

  “The man in the dream. He’s at the part of a bridge that goes in the water.”

  “The support,” JoHanna supplied.

  “He’s sort of sitting up against it and he’s calling me to come to him.” As Duncan spoke, JoHanna stilled. She was watching her daughter, listening to the dream with more care. “He calls your name.”

  The child nodded. “He says ‘Dun—can!’ And he reaches out to me. There are chains around him, but they’ve fallen down to his lap because he’s …” Her voice stilled. “He’s sort of a skeleton, but not really. Except the fish swim out of his ribs.” She closed her eyes. “He wants me to come and sit beside him under the water.” The last she finished in a whisper.

  “You didn’t say that before,” JoHanna said, stroking Duncan’s head.

  “Each time I dream it, I know more.” Duncan looked up at her mother. “I don’t want to dream anymore, Mama.”

  “Maybe once you start walking,” she leaned down, “and dancing, the dreams will stop. Your body is used to being up and about. Usually, you fall asleep before your head touches the pillow.” She kissed Duncan’s head, rubbing her hand over the fine dark hair that had grown out about a quarter of an inch. The two of them, had they been blond and standing in the sun, would have looked a great deal like dandelions. “Your body and mind have been confused, but things are getting back to normal again. You’ll see.”

  “Good.” Duncan smiled at JoHanna and then at me. “Stay for the picnic, Mattie. Please! We’re going to have such fun. Floyd likes you a lot.”

  “And how do you know that?” I entered her teasing spirit, eager to put the nightmare behind us all.

  “I just know.” Duncan’s grin was wicked, but pleased.

  “It’s true,” JoHanna said, joining in. “He does like you a lot. He says you’re kind.”

  “I’ve hardly spoken to him.” They were making me feel self-conscious.

  “No matter. Floyd can read goodness in people.” A crow’s wing of dismay touched her eyebrows. “If only he could see meanness as accurately.” She looked at me and smiled. “Anyway, he thinks you’re good to the bone.” JoHanna lifted the tray where I’d stacked the pieces of broken dishes. “Now I have to make some sandwiches for the picnic. Will you go with us, Mattie? Floyd is bringing some special sweet cakes from Mara’s, and he said he was getting one for you, just in case you changed your mind.”

  What would Elikah say when he came home from lunch and I was not there and no food was cooked? What would he do when I came home? I didn’t have to voice my questions. JoHanna read them on my face.

  “I’ll take care of him.” She kissed Duncan again, then stood. “In just a minute Mattie is going to come help you with your legs. Do every exercise, Duncan. Don’t cheat, okay?”

  Duncan rolled her eyes. “Maybe I’d rather wait for a dream.”

  “Maybe I’d rather pinch you.” JoHanna threatened to do just that until Duncan squealed and gave her promise.

  JoHanna motioned me out of the room and into the kitchen, where she stopped in front of the phone. “Elikah has a phone at the barbershop, doesn’t he?”

  I nodded. He’d recently had one put in, claiming he needed it for business, but I knew it was more for gossip and the convenience of Tommy Ladnier and his buddies.

  JoHanna cranked up the phone and asked the operator for the barbershop. She looked at me, her blue eyes suddenly merry. She put her hand over the mouthpiece. “You know this will be all over town, so prepare yourself.”

  I nodded, wondering what in the world she was going to say and what price I’d pay at a later date.

  “Elikah? This is JoHanna McVay.” She lifted her eyebrows. “I’m calling about Mattie, I’m sorry to say.”

  I could hear his voice but couldn’t understand his words.

  “I was headed into town early this morning and found her on the side of the road. It looks like she’s … having some female difficulties. I brought her up to the house and have her in bed. I don’t think she should be moved.”

  There was a space where he talked again, his voice more excited.

  “Well, it’s a difficult thing for a woman. I believe it would be best to leave her here. Since I’ve got Duncan, I’m housebound and I can look after her. She doesn’t have any people around. Why don’t you come up and have supper with us?”

  I shook my head, but JoHanna was almost laughing. Her voice was terribly serious, very warm and cordial, but her eyes told a completely different story.

  “I’m going to give Doc Westfall a call, too, but I think I know what to do for her. If the bleeding gets worse, I’ll call you back.”

  He said something else.

  “Well, I can’t real
ly talk right now. She’s already upset and I don’t want to make it any worse.”

  He talked again.

  “Since you won’t come for supper, I’ll call you at the shop in the morning and let you know how she is.” She hung up.

  “What did he say?”

  JoHanna looked at me. “He was awfully agreeable. Too agreeable.” She waited for me to respond.

  I wanted to tell her about New Orleans, but I couldn’t. I simply could not say anything about it. I looked down at the floor. I felt her hand on my shoulder. “Mattie, what are you going to do?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know.”

  “We’ll write your mama.”

  I shook my head again. “I can’t go back there. Jojo is just as bad. Just as mean.” A tear dripped off my nose.

  “Too bad he wouldn’t come to supper. We could have poisoned him.”

  I looked up quickly, but I couldn’t tell if she was joking to make me feel better or if she was serious.

  Twelve

  “TELL us about the disappearance of Mr. Senseney.” Duncan held a half-eaten sandwich in her hand, waving it at Floyd as if it were her royal scepter.

  “Okay.” Floyd was leaning up against a tree, his thick hair a damp blond sheaf that was cut straight across at his jawline. It was a young boy’s haircut and contrasted sharply with his bronzed, bare shoulders. JoHanna had said he was twenty-three. His tanned chest was hairless, but definitely not childlike. I looked down at the ground and listened to the easy bantering.

  Instead of going for a long picnic, we’d decided to go back to the seclusion of the creek behind the house, where JoHanna and I had swum. We didn’t want to run the risk that someone would see us on the road and mention it to Elikah. Or Doc Westfall. JoHanna had called him, giving him more graphic details of what sounded to me like a miscarriage. Doc had agreed to call Elikah and convince him that it was for the best for me to spend a few days with a woman friend, someone who could tend to me without causing shame or disgrace. She made me sound terribly pitiful.

  Despite my worries and fears, I felt happy and carefree as we sat on the bank of the creek, stuffed to the point where I flopped over onto my back in the cool dirt as Floyd prepared to tell his story.