Box of Hearts (The Connor's Series Book 1)

by Nikki Ashton

  “Who you off riding with?” Brandon asked as I passed him on the way out.

  I ducked my head, not wanting him to see the guilt in my eyes. I knew he liked Millie, and maybe I should just give it up, tell her to date him. He’d treat her good, and he wouldn’t mess with her head like I had. Problem with that was, I wasn’t willing to give her up. I may have said some dumb things to her, but the truth was she’d breathed life into me. She’d got my blood pumping again. That damn ache in my chest that had been there every day for the last two years, had all but gone; at least it disappeared when I was around her. Yeah, it came back when I was alone, but the hurt was nowhere near as painful.

  “Just got a few errands to run,” I said vaguely.

  “So what’s he grinning like a fool for?” Brandon nodded towards Garratt, who was watching our exchange.

  “Ah, he’s just being a dick as usual. Anyways, I’d better get going.”

  “Okay, but you fancy a beer later?”

  I stopped in my tracks and looked up at the ceiling of the barn. What the fuck did I say to him? ‘No because I’m hoping to be wrapped around Millie, making it up to her for being a dick’?

  “Yeah, maybe.” I chickened out. “Let me see how it goes. I’ll shoot you a text.”

  Brandon raised his hat in acknowledgment and then turned back to emptying feed into the trough attached to one of the pens.

  Shit, I hated lying to him. He was my best buddy, and had been since we were six years old, but I couldn’t tell him this. I didn’t think he was in love with Millie or anything like that, but I hadn’t seen him this interested in a girl since Alesha. He’d been pretty devastated after she left; he was always angry and saying he missed her, drunkenly crying on anyone’s shoulder who’d listen about losing the love of his life. He’d been pretty lost by all accounts; he even went by her mom’s house demanding she tell him where Alesha was. I hated to admit though, I’d heard all this second hand. I had no damn idea what was going on with him, I’d just lost Melody so had pretty much checked out on everyone.

  Checking the time on my phone, I saw that I had just over fifteen minutes to get ready. I ran to my cabin, knowing that if I went to the house, Addy would distract me, and as much as I loved her, I needed to talk to Millie while I still had the nerve to say what I wanted to say.

  Millie

  While Bonnie and I were in town, she’d persuaded me to buy a pair of gorgeous cowgirl boots. They were dark brown with hot pink butterflies and flowers trailing up the side and fit me as though they’d been hand measured for every part of my feet. I’d argued at first that I didn’t need them but, as Bonnie pointed out, what else was I spending my money on? When we got home, I’d pulled my hair into a high ponytail and changed into jeans and a hot pink tank top for my ride with Jesse. Bonnie insisted I should wear the boots. I wasn’t sure where we were going and thought I may be too hot in boots, but they did look cute. So, when five-thirty came around, despite the rollercoaster going on in my stomach, I felt confident in my appearance; understated yet kick ass.

  “You should go wait outside, honey,” Bonnie whispered, nodding towards Addy. “If she sees Jesse, she’ll want to come and I don’t think that would be quite what he had in mind.”

  I nodded and snuck out, trying not to clomp too much on the wooden floor in my beautiful new boots.

  When I got to the bottom of the porch steps, Jesse came around from the side of the barn leading two horses.

  “Wow,” he said. “You look real pretty.”

  I blushed and looked down at myself. The boots really were magical. Then suddenly my head shot up as I realized what he’d meant by a ride.

  “Erm, are we going riding on them?” I asked, pointing at the horses.

  “Yeah,” Jesse chuckled. “What did you think I meant?”

  “Your truck?” I questioned.

  “Hah, sorry, sweetheart, but a ride around here means on the back of a horse. Well some rides are anyways,” he said with a wicked grin.

  Damn it, I was not ready for naughty Jesse. I’d wanted him to grovel before I was willing to give him even a hint of a smile. I couldn’t help it though, his was infectious, and so I returned it.

  “Jesse!” I warned.

  “Sorry,” he replied, bowing his head. “I know, you’re still mad at me.”

  “Yes I am, and not just because of what you said. I’m now mad that you didn’t tell me that it was a horse ride that we’d be going on.”

  “Millie, you live on a ranch. Come on, really?”

  “But I haven’t ridden since I was about eight years of age,” I groaned. “And that was a little, fat pony that went the same speed as a turtle.”

  “You’ll be fine, you never forget how to ride a horse,” Jesse urged, moving towards me with the huge horse. “We’ll take it slow, I promise.”

  “You’ll bloody well have to,” I hissed quietly, so as not to startle the horse. “Because I’ll probably end up falling off otherwise.”

  Jesse’s hand came up and a finger touched my cheek. “I won’t ever let you fall,” he said softly.

  I suddenly couldn’t breathe properly as the air left my lungs in a rush. Adrenalin coursed through my veins, sending my heart into a whirling dervish. Heat pooled between my legs. Jesse’s lashes swept against his cheek as he blinked slowly, waiting for me to trust him. Whatever he had done and said to me previously didn’t matter in that moment.

  “Okay,” I croaked out. “Let’s do it before I lose my nerve.”

  Jesse smiled, and nodded on an exhale. He led the horses over to the fence surrounding the paddock and tied them up.

  “Come on then,” he called, beckoning me over with a lift of his chin.

  “This won’t be pretty, I promise you.”

  Jesse chuckled and held a hand out to me. “You’ll be fine. Miss Daisy here is real gentle.”

  I stared at the extremely tall, chestnut mare who stared right back and blew down her nostrils at me.

  “She doesn’t look gentle,” I grumbled.

  “Come on, you’ll see.”

  Jesse led me around to the side of the horse, giving her a gentle rub as he did.

  “Okay, so put your right foot in there.” He held out the stirrup with one hand, and patted my right thigh with the other.

  “I know which my right leg is, and what the stirrup is,” I giggled. “I’m not totally useless.”

  He shrugged. “You’re a city girl, I just figured you would need help.”

  “Rickeby is hardly the city, and I told you, I used to ride ponies when I was little.”

  I put my foot in the stirrup, took hold of the horn on the saddle and pulled myself up, swinging my left leg over, and…landed in a heap at Jesse’s feet.

  “Fuck, Millie,” Jesse cried. “You okay?”

  He knelt down next to me and cautiously ran a hand down my arm.

  “Don’t move until I can see if you’ve broken anything.”

  I shrugged him off and sat up on a groan. “I’m fine, I haven’t broken anything.”

  “You sure?” His eyes widened as he dared me to lie to him.

  “Honestly. Just a dented ego, but nothing is broken.”

  Jesse stood up and held his hand out. I took hold of it and allowed him to pull me to my feet.

  “You said you wouldn’t let me fall,” I chastised, poking him in the chest with my finger.

  “I wasn’t expecting it,” he replied. “You told me you knew what you were doing.”

  “Evidently not.” I let out a huff, rubbed my bum and pushed Jesse’s hands away. “Okay, let me at it.”

  “I’ll help you,” he offered.

  “No. I can do this. My backside is evidently a lot heavier than it was when I was eight. It’s just going to take a little more effort to heave it up there.”

  Jesse started to laugh as he stood back and crossed his arms over his chest.

  “Go on then, let’s see what you got.”

  Throwing him a glare, I took
a deep breath and stepped back towards the horse.

  “Okay, Miss Daisy. We’ll try again shall we?”

  This time I made it, albeit landing a little skew on the saddle. Jesse stepped forward and with a chuckle, placed a hand against the right cheek of my bum, and pushed me further onto the horse.

  “Did you do that just so I’d touch your ass?” he asked, walking around to his own horse.

  “Yeah,” I replied sarcastically. “Of course I did.”

  I watched in amazement as Jesse did his little trick of bouncing on the spot and jumping straight up into the saddle. No mean feat for anyone, but especially someone of around six feet two inches tall.

  “Show off,” I muttered under my breath.

  “You either have it or you don’t,” he replied with a cheeky grin.

  “Yep and you have it.”

  “I do, hey?” He sat up straighter in his saddle and winked at me.

  “Yeah, you do. An ego the size of North America.”

  He shook his head. “Not just my ego, honey, as well you know.”

  I swallowed hard and fanned myself, knowing that riding a horse while in the company of this gorgeous cowboy was going to leave me feeling extremely horny.

  Jesse had led us to the perimeter of the Connor land, through dense woods that eventually led to the edge of the mountains and hills. We rode halfway through the woods until we came to a clearing where a brook ran through it. It looked as though it came down from the mountains; it was so clear, you could see the pebbles at the bottom.

  Jesse dismounted, as elegantly as he’d mounted, loosely tied his horse to a low tree branch, hooked his hat on the saddle horn, and then walked over to me and held up a hand.

  “You need help?” he asked with a smirk.

  I didn’t answer, but swung my leg over the horse and dismounted all by myself. Once I had both feet on the ground, Jesse tied up my horse and then put his hand in the small of my back, guiding me towards a large flat rock.

  “Let’s sit here, while I talk,” he said on a sigh.

  My stomach clenched as I glanced at him. His mouth was downturned and his brow was pinched. This was the ‘I like you but we can only ever be friends – without the sex’ speech.

  “Jesse, you don’t have to say anything. I get that you’re sorry, it’s fine. We can go back to being friends.” I flopped down onto the stone and looked out to the brook, watching the water bubble along on its journey.

  “I’m glad about that,” he replied, sitting next to me. “But I need to explain.”

  “No you don’t.”

  I turned to see Jesse was leaning forwards, resting his forearms on his knees, looking straight ahead.

  “Yeah I do, Millie. What I said to you was wrong, it was cruel, and I didn’t mean it.”

  I doubted that statement. Of course he didn’t think I would ever replace Melody; I would never expect to.

  “I’ve never tried to take her place,” I sighed. “I like you Jesse and I adore Addy, but at no point did I ever think that you or I would ever be any more than friends, admittedly friends with benefits, but friends nonetheless.”

  “You have to understand how hard it’s been for me,” he groaned and rubbed a hand down his face. “When Melody died, I couldn’t see any future for myself without her. You know that included my relationship with Addy, too. I just couldn’t be near her without feeling the intense pain of Melody’s loss. We were a family, it was the three of us, and suddenly a real important part of that family was missing.”

  “It must have been an awful time for you, I do understand that. I know we’ve argued about you and Addy, but you’ve turned a corner now with her.” I laid a hand on his forearm and gave it a gentle squeeze.

  “Yeah well,” he groaned. “I was a total douche to my own daughter, and I have to live with that.”

  Jesse stood up and paced towards the brook. He stood on the edge, looking down into the water for a few seconds and then turned back to me.

  “Melody was my first love. As soon as we started dating, I knew that she was the one who I’d spend the rest of my life with, the one who’d be the mother of my children.” He paused momentarily and took in a deep breath. “We were seventeen, but I knew, even then. We had a lot of firsts together, you know?”

  I nodded, understanding his heartache. The loss of your first love always cut deep, but to lose them when you’ve started to have a future together, and to lose them through death, must be the deepest cut of all.

  “Melody was with me the first time I got drunk, when I got my driver’s permit, when I broke my first horse. And I was the one lucky enough to be hers when she went from a pretty girl into a beautiful woman. I was the one lucky enough to be holding her hand when she brought life into this world for the first time. I was just damn lucky that she was mine.”

  Jesse’s voice broke on the last word, and I desperately wanted to rush over and hug him to me; to tell him in time that the pain would ease, but I wasn’t sure it ever would for Jesse.

  “Jesse, please don’t upset yourself. I really do understand and I know that you’re sorry, so let’s just forget it. Thinking about losing her is upsetting you.”

  Jesse’s head shot up and he stared at me with shining eyes.

  “No, Millie. You don’t understand. I loved her with all my heart, still love her, but that’s the reason why I struggle with us, what we’ve been doing,” he cried, taking a step forward.

  “You love her,” I stated. “You’ll never stop loving her, and no one will take her place.”

  My heart practically folded in on itself. I knew that he wasn’t ready for anything more with me, but I recalled Bonnie’s words about him never being ready, and I had to agree. That was the saddest part of all of this, because even if it wasn’t me, Jesse Connor would, I was sure, love long, hard, and deeply. The sort of love that any woman would cherish.

  “But that’s what I’m trying to say. I loved her, she was the love of my life, but you,” he said, pointing a finger at me. “You have sent me fucking crazy and I’m feeling as guilty as shit because of you.”

  “Why me?” I snapped, standing up and positioning myself a couple of steps away from him. “Angie didn’t make you feel guilty, so don’t put all this on to me, Jesse. We had sex, the same thing you did with Angie, but you didn’t seem guilty about that when you brought her back to your cabin or let her suck your face in Rowdy’s.”

  “No, I didn’t,” he said, moving another step closer. “And I’ll tell you why. Because it’s not the damn sex that I feel guilty about, it’s the damn feelings that I have for you. I like you, Millie, it’s not just about you being a great fuck, no matter what I said.”

  “So what the hell is it?”

  “It’s because I’m falling for you. It’s because you’ve made me question every thought I ever had about Melody being my soul mate. It’s because I fucking see you in here.” He stabbed a finger at his head. “I fucking see you now in here as my future, you’re the one I now see holding my babies and you’re the one that I damn well dream about every fucking night. The pain in my chest because Melody isn’t here has gone, and it’s been replaced with excitement and light and you’re responsible for that. That’s why I feel fucking guilty, Millie.”

  With one stride, Jesse was inches from me, his hands framing my face as he pulled me into a hard kiss. His tongue duelled with mine, our breaths synchronized in perfect harmony, and we moaned each other’s names.

  Jesse

  Christ, she tasted so sweet and delicious, and I never wanted to stop tasting her. But, I knew I had to; what sort of man would I be if I let my feelings for her erase all those I had for Melody?

  “Millie,” I groaned and pulled away from her. “We have to stop this.”

  “Oh God, yes you’re right,” she gasped. “We should get back.”

  I shook my head. “No, Millie. We can’t do this again. We can’t be friends with fucking benefits. I can’t kiss you anymore, we can’t keep having se
x.”

  Millie pushed away and stared at me with tears pooling in her eyes. Fuck, I’d hurt her once again. This was getting to be a damn habit.

  “I’m so sorry, but the more we do this, the more my memories of Melody fade, and I can’t do that to Addy. She needs to know all about her momma.”

  Millie’s eyes almost bulged out as she thrust her hands to her hips. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” she bawled. “How dare you put all of this onto Addy? I get that you’re grieving and you may never get over that grief, but do not try and tell me that we can’t be together because of Addy!”

  “I’ve told you I feel guilty about my feelings for you,” I protested. “Everything about you is taking over my head space, so what happens if I forget everything about her? I can’t do that to Addy; I can’t forget those memories that I need to give to her because she was too young to remember.”

  “Whatever, Jesse, but you can’t keep pushing and pulling me like this. You’re messing with my brain, too.”

  I shook my head and groaned. “I’m sorry, but this is so damn difficult to deal with, I have no idea where I’m at half the time.”

  “Well you know what, come and find me when you do,” she slammed and stormed off towards her horse.

  “Millie, where the fuck are you going?” I yelled.

  “Away from you, giving you the space to sort your damn head out.” She stopped and turned to face me. “If you think you want me, Jesse, then at least have the guts to go through with it. If you truly don’t think you can do this, then leave me alone, and stop kissing me, stop flirting with me, and keep your bloody dick in your pants when you’re around me.”

  She untied Miss Daisy and pulled herself up into the saddle, and with surprising ease, steered her away from me.

  “Millie, you have no idea how to get back,” I snapped, rushing towards Dillinger, my horse.