by Nikki Ashton
“No, I do not!” I protested, my eyes wide.
“Well don’t ever do that again. Marty and Zak should not have to be out here looking for you, just because you’ve had a little hissy fit.”
“I did not have a hissy fit,” I mumbled, like a sulky child.
“Yeah, well I think you’ll find you did.”
“Oh, whatever, Jesse. Let’s just get back to the ranch and then you never have to worry about me again.”
“Is that what you think, Millie?” he asked, taking hold of my chin with his thumb and forefinger. “That I’d never worry about you, that it’d be that easy?”
I shrugged again.
“What the fuck is it with this damn shrugging?” he cried. “Since when did you have nothing to say?”
“What do you want me to say? I’ve told you I’m sorry, I admit I was stupid. I’m sorry I wasted your evening.”
“Wasting my evening, you think that’s what I’m mad about?”
“Well that and putting your horses in danger, maybe?” I watched as he stormed back to Dillinger and hooked his hat on the saddle.
“You think it’s that simple?”
“God Jesse,” I cried to his back. “Just drop it please. I’m grateful you looked for me, I’m sorry I was an idiot and stormed off, I’m sorry I reacted badly, in fact, I apologize for absolutely everything from getting lost, to the American Civil War. There, does that cover everything?”
I covered my face with my hands and groaned into them. I had no idea what else he wanted me to say. I knew I’d been stupid and reacted badly to his honesty. At least he hadn’t let me think we could be something, only for him to wave me a happy goodbye in ten months’ time. While I was contemplating what to say next, I felt his hands on mine. He pulled them from my face.
“I don’t give a shit about any of that,” he said softly. “Yeah okay, you shouldn’t have gone off on your own, but I’m past being mad.”
“What, you’re furious now?” I huffed. “Deep joy.”
Jesse sighed and shook his head. “You fucking drive me crazy, you know that?”
“Yep, I’m kind of getting that,” I grumbled. “Just say what you have to say.”
I was resigned for the full force of Jesse’s anger or ferocity, whatever he was feeling at the moment.
“You think that this is me being mad?”
It was obviously a rhetorical question, because he simply ploughed on.
“Well this isn’t me being mad, baby, this is me being as scared as fucking shit that something had happened to you.”
I looked at him, my mouth gaping with bewilderment. He called me baby again. The first time I’d thought it had been a slip of the tongue, or I’d misheard over the radio, but there was no way I’d misheard that. Not only had he called me baby, but he’d said it with such tenderness that it had made my heart sigh. With a smile and a stroke of my cheek, Jesse continued.
“I couldn’t breathe while you were out there on your own. My heart was yelling at me to find you, because if I didn’t, I was damn sure it was going to give me pain like I’ve never felt before.”
“Jesse,” I whispered, emotion gripping at my throat.
“No listen to me, Millie. What I said to you, I really did think that was what I wanted. To carry on living in the past, being married to a ghost, but she’s gone and she isn’t coming back. I loved her with everything I had, but the way I feel about you is so damn intense, I feel as though everything that went before was just practice for this, for us.” Jesse reached up and wiped away the tears that were slowly running down my cheeks, tears I wasn’t even aware that I was shedding. “Baby, the guilt that comes with the feelings that I have for you is suffocating and the only time I feel any peace is when I’m with you.”
“Which then makes you feel guiltier,” I said, with a sniffle.
Jesse nodded. “Yeah, it does, but you know what? I have to work out how I live with that, because I’m not sure I can live without you.”
The sob that escaped from me was one of relief, happiness, and fear all mixed together. To hear those words gave me a feeling of euphoria, but I was scared at what the ‘but’ was going to be, or that once I fully gave my heart to Jesse he would suddenly change his mind.
“You need to be sure about this,” I said, gripping onto his shirt and leaning my forehead against his chest, not daring to look at him. “If you’re not sure, Jesse, tell me now.”
Jesse lifted my chin with the palm of his hand and then stroked my cheek.
“I can’t promise that this is going to be easy. I’ve had two years of hardening my heart to everything and everyone, but if anyone can help me through this, you can. You’ve helped me so fucking much already.” His hands framed my face as his thumbs wiped away more tears. “I haven’t felt happy for so long that I’d forgotten how to even smile, but then you came here and I started to remember. But, you have to know there’s still so much more I need to get through.”
I nodded. “I know, and I know it won’t be easy for you. But I promise I’ll be patient and I’ll help you as much as I can.”
“I know you will. You’re the one who got me to open up to Addy, you’re the one who made me realize that what I’d been doing was empty and meaningless.”
I took in a deep breath as I realized he was talking about Angie and all the other women he’d been having sex with since Melody died. Thankfully, Jesse had enough sensibility not to be specific.
“Being with you, Millie,” he continued. “It meant something to me. I felt the difference in here.” He patted a flat palm against his chest, swallowing hard as he did so. “You’ve brought light to my life again, when I thought I would always be in the dark; when all I wanted was to be in the dark. Now, I want this, I want us, and I may struggle from time to time, but I want to try and be the man that you deserve, that Addy deserves and that I deserve to be.”
There were no words that I could say that would even come close to those Jesse had just said, so I simply threw myself into his arms and kissed him until we were both breathless.
Jesse decided that we were both riding home on Dillinger, so I sat in front of him, while Miss Daisy trailed behind us. As we made a slow journey back, Jesse’s arms kept tightening around me and then he’d gently pull my face around to kiss him. He’d given me his shirt, leaving him in a white t-shirt, but he didn’t seem to care about the cold, and as his arms wrapped around me to hold the reins, I rubbed my cheek against his bicep, loving the feel and smell of his bare skin.
“You warm enough?” he asked, dropping a kiss on my neck, just below my ear.
“Yeah,” I sighed dreamily. “What about you? I feel bad that I have your shirt.”
“I’m fine, I’ve never felt better.” He chuckled. “In fact, I have the most amazing boner at this moment.”
“Jesse,” I scolded and playfully slapped at his thigh. “This is supposed to be a romantic ride home, and you’re talking about your cock.”
Jesse laughed loudly and squeezed his arms around me. “Now who’s turning this into something dirty?”
“Not me,” I protested.
“You used the word cock, not me. Although, you did miss a word out of that description.”
“And what would that be?” I asked, as if I didn’t know.
“Huge, of course.”
Jesse laughed some more and my ears fully appreciated the sound of it. He rarely laughed, but when he did, it was deep and joyous, and I loved it.
We carried on in silence for a few more minutes and I felt Jesse tense behind me. Surely he hadn’t changed his mind already.
“What’s wrong?” I asked with a quaver in my voice.
“Shit, you know me too well already,” he sighed. “Nothing bad, I’m just wondering what we tell everyone is all.”
“Do you want to keep it quiet?” I looked at him over my shoulder, and could see, even in the dim light, that his eyes were soft. There was no fear or anxiety, just tenderness.
Jess
e shook his head. “No, I want us to be open about this. We’re not a dirty little secret Millie, and I’m sorry I made it sound like that the other night when I was a dick.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, baby, I’m sure. We’re us and I want everyone to know that.”
“Oh my God, I think my womb just did a back flip. Jesse Connor, you’re one smooth cowboy.”
“You idiot,” Jesse laughed and kissed the back of my head. “Seriously though, what do we say to Brandon? Addy will be high as a kite when I tell her. Mom, Dad, and Garratt won’t be surprised, but Brandon, shit I have no idea.”
Waves of nervousness washed through my stomach. I’d never promised him anything, but I never got around to telling him that I didn’t feel that way about him either.
“I should tell him,” I stated with a sigh.
“Nuh uh,” Jesse replied with another kiss to my neck. “We do it together. We’re us now, remember?”
With that, I leaned back into his chest and sighed, feeling happier than I had in years.
Jesse
I was fucking petrified at what I had committed to with Millie; not because it wasn’t what I wanted, but because I just hoped to God that I didn’t let her down. For so long I’d been a miserable bastard, I wasn’t sure I knew how to be a good man any more. But, if anyone could help me make that change it would be her. She made me want to be better.
She’d been real quiet for about ten minutes, and she was leaning heavily against me, so I was pretty sure that she’d fallen asleep. Dillinger was a good, steady, and calm horse, and his gentle gait made sure she didn’t wake. I tightened my arms around her and breathed in her smell, thankful that she was safe.
When I’d told her that I couldn’t be with her, I’d meant it. I had feelings for her, real ones that were growing deeper every damn day, but the guilt and fear that I was being disloyal to Melody was greater. Until I thought she might be in danger, and then I realized that there was nothing that could keep me from being with her. I, above everyone, knew that life was too short, and if I went from this life not trying to be with Millie, then it would be a life half lived. My only worry now was Brandon. I wasn’t sure how he was going to take me and Millie being together.
As I thought about how to tell my best friend that I’d stolen the woman he wanted, the very object of his affection stirred in my arms.
“Hey, beautiful,” I whispered against her ear. “You enjoy your little nap?”
“Hmm,” she moaned sexily and stretched out her arms.
I peeked over her shoulder, knowing that with the arch of her back, those gorgeous tits of hers would be pushed forward. Yep, even with my shirt on, I could see the luscious swell of them.
“We nearly home yet?” she asked.
“Ten more minutes. I just hope Mom saved us some dinner, I’m starved. It’s almost ten and I haven’t eaten since midday.”
“Yeah, me too.” She shifted in the saddle, pushing her backside into my dick that was already uncomfortably hard.
“Quit moving, baby,” I said. “I do not want to go into the house with a steel rod dick tenting my jeans.”
Millie’s head shot around and she gave me a narrow eyed glare, but her mouth was curled into a smile and I knew she was feeling frisky.
“You fancy spending the night in the cabin with me?” I asked.
I needed to sleep with her in my arms, but wasn’t sure how Mom and Dad would feel about me doing it in the house. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it until I told Addy.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “What about Addy? What if she needs you? She’s got used to having you there.”
Suddenly, I felt like the biggest shit ever where my daughter was concerned. The fact that Millie had thought about her, though, warmed my fucking heart to Millie even more. I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and then rested my chin on her shoulder.
“Yeah, you’re right. How about I come visit you in your room, and set an alarm in case we fall asleep?”
Millie’s room was at the back of the house, away from Mom and Dad’s and my old room, where Ruby was sleeping. Yes it was closer to Addy, but she always slept soundly, and if she did wake I’d hear her.
“In fact, I think there’s an old baby monitor in her closet, how about I bring that in, too?”
Millie thought about it for few seconds and then nodded. “Okay, but you need to check with your parents first. Make sure it’s okay with them.”
“Millie, honey, I’m twenty-six years old, and it’s officially my house, so I don’t really want to be asking my mom and dad if it’s okay if me and my girl have a sleepover.”
Millie started to giggle.
“What?” I asked.
“You called me your girl.”
“And you are, or did I imagine that deep and meaningful conversation in the woods, followed by a sexy as fuck make out session?”
“No, but it’s just so…country,” she laughed again and buried her face in her hands. “Sorry, but I feel like a teenager.”
“God, you’re crazy,” I groaned and nipped at her ear. “But, if you really want me to I’ll ask my mom and dad if it’s okay to fuck you in your bed tonight.”
“Jesse!” she cried. “You can’t do that!”
“Just watch me,” I growled. “You unleashed the beast, so now you have to take the consequences.”
As we both sighed happily, the house came into view and a feeling of contentment swept over me. It was a nice surprise because I hadn’t felt that way about this house for a long time. It hadn’t felt like home for two years, but seeing it now, I knew it was the only place I wanted to be.
Millie
“You ready?” Jesse asked, pulling at my hand.
I blew out a breath and nodded. “I think so, but if anyone hates the idea, what do we do?”
“Nothing. We carry on doing what we want to do. The only person’s opinion I care about is Addy’s, and there’s no way she’s going to hate the idea. Anyone else can suck my pecker.”
I started to giggle and melted into his side. I opened my mouth to say something then quickly shut it. I shuddered at my near miss at what had almost slipped from my mouth. Jesse had only just come to terms with wanting me to be ‘his girl’, so I was pretty sure if I mentioned that I loved him at this stage, Dillinger would be ridden out of here as though the devil himself were after him.
“Come on,” he said with a grin. “Let’s go and tell them the news.”
I tried to pull my hand from Jesse’s, but he wouldn’t let it go. He looked down at our hands and then inclined his head, waiting for an explanation.
“I just thought you’d want to do this slowly.”
“Nope,” he said resiliently. “I’ve finally grown some balls and admitted how I feel about you, so we do this with pride, because I’m proud as fuck that you’re mine, Millie. Okay?”
Shit, there went by nipples again. “Yes.”
“Good.”
He pulled me to him, gave me a closed mouth kiss, and then led me up the porch steps.
“Oh my goodness,” Bonnie cried as we walked through the door. “You found her. Honey, are you okay?”
“I’m fine thanks, Bonnie. I just feel stupid and selfish that the guys had to stay out there looking for me.”
“What did you do to make her run off?” Bonnie wagged a finger at Jesse and then scuffed him on the shoulder.
“Hey,” he laughed. “That hurt.”
“Good, it was supposed to. Anything could have happened to her. Sit down, honey,” she said, plumping up a throw cushion on the couch. “Garratt, move up so Millie has more space to sit down.”
Before either I or Garratt had chance to move, Jesse flopped into the space that Garratt had made, and pulled me onto his knee, wrapping an arm around my waist, causing me to let out a startled cry.
Would the real Jesse Connor please stand up! Who the hell was this man who was sending my head and heart into a spin? One minute he could barely speak
to me in public, limiting any conversation to dirty words while he’s having sex with me, and then, before I’ve had time to catch my breath, he’s staking his claim and showing everyone that I’m his.
“Shit, Jess,” Garratt said. “Why don’t you just piss on her and be done with it?”
“Garratt!” Ted barked.
“Oh my,” Bonnie gasped, her eyes firmly fixed on Jesse’s arm around me.
Ted stood up and moved behind Bonnie, placing a large hand on her shoulder. “Take a breath, sweetheart,” he said into her ear.
“About damn time,” Ruby cackled from the recliner. “Glad you’ve finally seen sense, cowboy.”
“Thanks, Auntie Ruby,” Jesse replied, and then gave my waist a squeeze. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I think so,” I answered tentatively.
“Okay,” Jesse announced. “You can all see that we’re together. We’ve kinda been seeing each other for a few weeks…”
“Kinda is the word,” Garratt quipped.
Jesse turned to face him, and I have no idea what sort of glare he threw at his brother sitting next to us, but Garratt looked scared and threw his hands up in surrender, and shied back.
“So, as I was saying,” Jesse continued. “We’ve kinda been seeing each other, but tonight I finally got myself some guts and admitted how I feel about her. How she makes me feel.”
“How’s that son?” Ted asked quietly, a tender smile on his face.
“Like I’m alive.” Jesse lowered his forehead to my shoulder and took a deep breath in, before continuing. “I don’t feel that pain when she’s around.”
Bonnie leaned forward and kissed my cheek and then the top of Jesse’s head.
“We don’t know how this is going to go,” Jesse said looking up at his mother with the smile of a young boy. “But I’m going to try and do this right, Mom.”
“So,” Ruby said. “You staying longer than the year then, sweet cheeks?”
I shifted slightly, not sure what to say. “Well, I don’t know, Ruby. I guess…well.”