Part of Me (Jessa & Paxton #1)

by Haven Francis

  “Let’s dance, Pax,” Jessa says quietly.

  I pull my hand out from under her hair and set my drink down. “Yeah. Okay.”

  I hold onto Jessa as we make our way into the heat of the compact crowd. People are jumping and thrashing to the punk vibe. When we settle in the back corner of the crowd, Jessa clings tight to my shoulders and looks at me with sorrow in her eyes. Or is it pity? Probably just friendly concern for her poor friend Paxton. Fuck that.

  I grab tight to her waist and pick her up off the ground. Her hands wrap around my shoulders as she lets out a screech. I grab a hold of her calf and wrap her leg around my hip; she wraps her other leg around me all on her own. Immediately that sensation that I’ve been waiting for a girl to send through my body is there. My eyes are staring at hers with intent. But her eyes are staring at my mouth and her fingers are fisting my sweatshirt. Fuck it, I think to myself, moving one hand from the back of her thighs and around the base of her neck and digging my fingers into her flesh. Her stare flashes from my lips and her own lips pop open like this thing between us is news to her. Like me going in for her is surprising.

  Then some motherfucker crashes into her back and she’s pushed into me and I loose contact with her. She holds onto me and buries her face into my neck. I take a hand off Jessa to grab a hold of the kid by his collar, wrenching it around his neck before throwing him back into the crowd. Jessa unhitches her legs from my waist and slides down my body and back onto the floor and I know I’ve lost her. She’s retreating. My hands are back on her waist and I pull her to me but when her eyes return to mine there is nothing there but apologies.

  I give her a tight smile of my own before taking my hands off her. Stupid. Me, with her, is stupid. I grab a hold of her neck and give her a big, hard, wet, friendly kiss on her lips before heading to the bar.

  “Paxton,” she calls after me. I shove my hands in my pockets and keep walking. I’ve almost cleared the crowd when some passing fuckwad slams his shoulder into mine.

  “Sorry, Paxton,” Elijah says, “I wasn’t looking.”

  Putting my knuckles into his skull would feel awesome right now, but making a scene ain’t worth it. I look over my shoulder to Jessa who is making her way towards us. Her angry eyes are staring me down. She stops short of me and I’m aware that her eyes haven’t left me to look at Elijah. “What the hell?” she asks me.

  “You kids have fun tonight,” I say looking at Elijah one last time before walking away.

  She grabs a hold of my forearm but I shake her off and head to the bar. Kalvin isn’t holding down the fort tonight which is good. The less people I know, the better. In his place is a red head with big boobs and a small tank top.

  She notices me and gives me an expected smile. A smile I’ve seen too many times. An easy smile that reminds me how easy things could be and makes me wonder why the hell I only want the one thing that’s impossible.

  “How are you doing tonight?” she asks me, leaning hard into the bar and crossing her arms tightly around her chest so her tits pop out the top of her tank top. Suddenly I’m having epiphanies left and right. That right there, that thing the bartender just did, like the smile, is another predictable thing that Jessa would never do. Women… they’re all the same; their actions, their expressions, their mannerisms, it’s all so predictable. Except with Jessa. I’ve never seen her pull one of those seedy tactics on any guy. Ever. She truly is a fucking island in the sea. Untouchable. Unreachable.

  “Give me a scotch,” I tell her, before throwing my gaze over my shoulder. I can’t see Jessa, but I can see the top of Elijah’s head. He’s not dancing, he’s bowing and I know that Jessa is in his arms.

  Elijah. You’ve got to be kidding me. Out of all the guys she could have and she chooses Elijah. Besides Billy, that kid was the closest thing I had to a brother in this city. When shit started going south with Vincent, Elijah was in my shadow, backing me up. When I left that band, he was the first to follow me. But when shit started to go downhill for me he was the first one to go crawling back to that motherfucker and beg back into his sadistic life. I turn back around and focus on the drink the girl has left for me.

  “Oh my god,” I hear some chick yell and I recognize the tone. I know what she’s going to say. She’s beside me now and has an arm on my shoulder. “You’re Paxton, aren’t you? From Polly. Holy shit. I love you.” A groupie from my glory days. This is why I need to stay away. This girl will take out her phone and facebook, tweet, blog, instagram… whatever the hell people do, that she saw Paxton from the band Polly at The bottle and word will spread like fire and next thing I know Gabriel will be slinging sliders.

  I look at the girl. A petite, raven haired thing with big green eyes. Back in the day I would have played up the fact that I am Paxton from Polly and taken the girl to the small room in the back where we used to hang out. But not anymore. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I tell the girl.

  She cocks her head at me and narrows her eyes. “You look just like Paxton Alvarado.”

  “I don’t know who that is,” I tell her.

  She shrugs her shoulders and takes a seat next to me at the bar. I stand and tell her, “Let’s go dance. Maybe I can pretend to be the guy you’re looking for.”

  She gives me that smile, same as the bartender, and runs her fingers through her hair that does nothing for me, not like Jessa’s does. I grab a hold of the girl’s hand and bring her out to the dance floor. I’m careful not to take my eyes off her. I don’t want to see Jessa and Elijah together. I will beat the guy. I grab onto the girl’s waist and she immediately starts grinding on me. The smile and the eyes she’s giving me aren’t sexy like she thinks they are; they just look desperate. But I don’t make her go, but I do turn her around before pulling her back to me. Her hands snake up my body and around my neck and now her ass is grinding on me. I let her, but it’s not doing anything for me. Even when I look down at her exposed cleavage it does nothing for me.

  Blue and green hair is flying around a couple people away from me and then I see that Violet is dancing with Jessa. Neither of them are looking at me so I let my eyes wander. Elijah is nowhere near her. I’m loosely aware that there is a girl clinging onto me as I watch my two girls dancing on the floor together. Then I see Elijah slowly creep into her space like the snake he is. He’s got his hands all over some skank, but his eyes are on Jessa, just like mine. Jesus, she’s got both of us acting like dogs. When the girl in my arms turns her body around and brings her lips to my neck I push her away- which is just what I do now, I guess.

  I don’t look at her as I make my way out of the crowd and back to the booth where Billy, Louis and Jimmy are sitting. I pour myself a glass of beer from the pitcher on the table and swallow it in down in three large gulps.

  “How’s life treating you, man,” Louis says laughing and slapping my shoulder.

  “Fucking superb,” I tell him, refilling my glass.

  “Ah, man, it’s good to have the gang back together,” Louis tells me. “You gotta fill us in, man. What’ve you been up to?”

  “What do you think I’ve been up to?”

  “Shit, I don’t know. You gotta tell us about this town you were staying in, the one where you met her,” he says, nodding towards Vi and Jessa.

  “All that shit seems like a distant memory,” I tell him.

  “Can’t be that distant,” Billy says, “part of it’s in this bar with you, in case you haven’t noticed.”

  “Yeah, I noticed.”

  “Jessa said you were living in some farming community,” Louis says through his laughter, “they grow all the girls like that?”

  “Shit, not you too, man. You trying to get after her too?”

  “No. Hell, no,” Louis says, raising his hands.

  I laugh at his goofy ass. “You scared of me?”

  “A little bit, man. You left your family in Cali and came back here for her, I gotta assume you would strangle me dead if I looked at her the wrong way. W
hich I haven’t.”

  “Yeah, I might. I’m having a hard time keeping my hands off that bottom feeder.” I don’t even say his name.

  “She already kicked him to the curb,” Jimmy says, shaking his head and laughing.

  “Spent three weeks watching that girl like a hawk and it wasn’t even necessary,” Billy says, laughing. “She didn’t even give him a minute before she told his sorry ass to get lost. Hell. Bet he’s never gotten that song and dance before.”

  I have to push down my smile so I don’t look like the pussy whipped motherfucker that I am.

  “So what’s your plan, man, now that you’re back in town?” Billy asks me.

  “I don’t have a plan. Just trying to stay off the radar and eventually head back home.”

  “So we’re not getting the band back together?” Louis says lightly but I’m guessing both he and Billy would be all on board for a revival.

  “Nah. What do you guys got going on? Where you been playing?”

  Jimmy laughs, “These assholes haven’t even pulled out the equipment since you left town. It sucks. You guys should at least jam while Pax is in town,” he says looking at Billy.

  Billy just looks at the table and shakes his head with a smirk on his mouth. He knows that’s not happening. I feel a little shitty that my crash left them burned too.

  Vi and Jessa come stumbling up to the table. Jessa scoots in next to Billy and Vi takes a seat next to me. Jessa’s eyes bore into me from across the table making it clear that she’s pissed at me for the fit I threw on the dance floor.

  “You boys are so lame,” Vi announces. “Pax is finally home, we should be celebrating. You guys look like you’re at a funeral.”

  “They’re mourning the death of their careers,” Jimmy announces and I want to tell him to shut the hell up. We are all hyper aware that when I took everything away from myself I also took it away from Billy and Louis. We don’t need an announcement.

  “Aww, poor baby, missing your job as their bitch,” Vi says, turning the tension around on her guy. Vi’s my girl.

  Jimmy takes it. “Yeah, I kind of am. Slinging equipment was a whole hell of a lot easier than slinging paper work.”

  “Waa,” Vi wines for effect.

  “You’re lucky I’m in love with you, woman,” he tells her and she gives him a very big, very cute smile.

  When I heard Vi was settling down with Jimmy it threw me. I have only known her as Vincent’s and that jackass is about as far away on the spectrum from Jimmy as you can get. Seeing them together though, it makes sense. Jimmy’s about as chill as a dude can get and Vi, sweet as she is, is a little manic. Seems like he’s good for her. I smile to myself, happy for Vi, until my eyes cross paths with Jessa’s.

  She’s staring at me. She no longer looks pissed, but thoughtful. I don’t know how I feel about her meeting me in this world. I stare back at her, thinking about the year I spent with her. I’m wondering how the hell I managed to see her every day, put my hands on her every day, and keep my emotions in check. I stare at her and she stares back. I’m trying to figure out what the hell to do with her and I’m wondering if she’s doing the same thing.

  Chapter 8 - Jessa

  It’s been a weird day. A really awesome, horrible, weird day. I don’t know what to make of this guy who sauntered back into my life this morning. When I was with Pax, lying in bed with him, I felt just like I used to with him. But that was about the only normal reprieve I got all day – and he was sleeping through most of it.

  The Paxton that lives in this town is definitely not the guy I know. Not even close. Obviously, I already kind of knew this, but seeing him in the flesh; his consistently tense jaw, his distrusting glares at everyone who crosses his path, his harsh tone and his hard, stiff hands, are all new to me.

  And it all kind of sucks ‘cause it all kind of reminds me of that Paxton I met for the first time in River Bluff. The one who was a complete arrogant asshole, but also the one who kissed me with raw anger and made my skin crawl – in a good way.

  Nothing about the kid who lives in this town is sweet or generous or even humorous. And I don’t know how I feel about that. Screwed over, I guess. Blindsided.

  When he stormed in here this morning and told Elijah to get the hell out I was too happy to see Paxton to give a shit. When we got to the bar he was on edge like I’ve never seen him and it was clear that this change in him had nothing to do with me, but simply the city that he was brought back to - for what reason… surprise! I have no clue ‘cause he won’t tell me. Then, on the dance floor he was my old, playful Paxton; being silly, hoisting me up on his hips, making me miss the way we used to be, flirting with me and playing with me, and then… boom. Asshole is in full effect and he stomps off the dance floor like the lunatic he is proving to be.

  He’s got my head spinning, trying to figure out what the hell is going on. And it’s not just me, it’s everyone – including Elijah. With Paxton in the picture, Elijah felt the need to define the relationship which was absurd – there was no relationship, clearly. Not that I would have gotten anywhere with him tonight anyway… I was too busy worrying about Paxton. Figures- I finally find a guy willing to step up to Paxton’s mafia and I end up having to blow him off so I can serve the king of Chicago, just like the rest of his minions.

  I don’t get it. I really don’t. But now, snuggled up on the couch between him and Vi, floating in my buzz, zoning out to the T.V., I really don’t care. I missed Paxton’s arms. I didn’t realize how much time I spent wrapped up in these arms until I left and came here. But now, in this familiar, comfortable place, I realize that when Pax and I were together – on one of our couches, at parties, on Emily’s farm, driving in his car, at school- he usually had me tucked neatly into his side or his fingers tangled with mine. I’m not an affectionate person. In fact, I generally avoid it whenever possible. But with Paxton I never even noticed it until it was gone. Now that I have it back I realize how much I miss it. How nice it feels to be in the arms of a guy who I have no sexual relationship with.

  And maybe that’s it, maybe that’s why things between Paxton and I, physically at least, are so easy and natural. That first day, in art class, we both made it crystal clear that there would never be anything remotely sexual between us. I never had to worry about if I was giving him the wrong idea or how long I could keep him around before things got too intense.

  Vi suddenly starts snoring like a banshee and I bust out laughing. “God, how can that huge sound come out of that little body?” I muse.

  “I’m pretty sure that right there is the reason she won’t let Jimmy stay the night. Jesus, she’s like an elephant.” Paxton eases his arm out from under me and stands, picking Violet up and delivering her to her bed. I tuck her in and give her a kiss on the cheek.

  “Ready to call it a night, beso?”

  “Yeah. It’s been a long day – having you around is tiring,” I tell him, flicking him on his arm before heading to my… our… room.

  “As far as I can tell it’s you who is fucking up the entire vibe of the city. Things were pretty mellow last time I was here.”

  “Funny,” I tell him, heading to the dresser and pulling out my shorts and tank top.

  I turn to Paxton who is stripping out of his jeans- his hoodie and t-shirt are already on the floor. I can’t stop myself from running my eyes over his body as he stands before me. He really is beautiful in the coarsest of ways. I really wish his friends hadn’t put me on lockdown these past few weeks because a beautiful man like Paxton, standing before me in the flesh, is making my insides pound. Jesus, I need to get off ASAP. I look away from Paxton and peel off my dress and bra before pulling on my tank top. I look at him as I step into my shorts. He’s lounging in the bed, his arms propped above his heads, the tats on the underside of his forearms displayed. I’m very aware that Paxton is watching me dress – something that he has seen before, but his heavy-lidded eyes have me working quick to get myself covered up.

  “Pa
x, are we really sharing that tiny bed?”

  “Yes, kid, we are. Get your ass in here, I want to go to sleep.”

  I let out a long breath and then go to him, sliding under the covers, acutely aware of the extra body that is now with me. I’m prepared for him to sling his arm around me but he doesn’t. We just lay next to each other in silence. I’m tired but I can’t sleep, not with him in this bed with me. So close, but in every form of the word, so far away.

  “What happened with you and Elijah tonight?” he asks in his deep, quiet voice.

  “You know… same shit as usual. You realize that your friends have been all over any guy that even looks my way?” I ask, curious how much of this long process was dictated by him.

  He lets out a low laugh. “Fucking with your game, huh?”

  “Yeah, they were. I finally find a guy that’s not terrified by the mere mention of your name and, surprise, surprise, the ultimate ladies’ man is nothing but a commitment-aholic underneath his bad boy skin. You would think I would be every man’s dream- all I want is a little release, a little fun. But can I find it? No, Pax, I cannot. I haven’t gotten any action since Dylan and the only kind of action I’ve gotten from him in the last few months is the husband kind. What the hell is wrong with me?” I know I’m spewing, but with anyone but Pax, Emily and Natalie, talking about my unconventional preferences comes off the wrong way. I need a verbal release. I need so many kinds of releases it’s not even funny.

  “So he pulled out a ring and you bolted?”

  “Yes, he got down on one knee and everything,” I say, snidely. “No. But he pulled the commitment talk out of his ass. I blame you,” I tell Paxton ‘cause I’m pretty sure it was his fault. “You stroll into town, move into my bed and flaunt your good looks in his face and my potential partner in sex pulls out the lockdown.”

  Paxton laughs quietly before turning his back to me and making it known he’s calling it a night. “Keep trying, Jess. Your perfect man will come along eventually.”