Just the Way You Are

by Lynsey James

  I felt a salty sting at the back of my throat as Max and Mr Writer crossed my mind.

  Dr Browning’s face went from red to an ugly puce colour. I’d obviously hit a nerve.

  ‘You’re the one who’s in the wrong, love. My dad loved my mum right up until the day she died. They were married for over forty years; they had two children, four grandchildren and an entire lifetime of memories together. I won’t have you ruining that by saying he loved another woman all this time. It’s an insult to my mum’s memory!’

  Anger flared in his eyes and a vein bulged in his forehead. He clenched and unclenched his fists, turning his knuckles white with effort.

  I paused to consider my next choice of words. I had a feeling it would take just one ill-placed remark for him to go steaming out of the canteen, taking Ivy’s hopes of seeing Leo again with him.

  ‘I’m not trying to insult your mum’s memory, believe me. Your parents were married a long time and must’ve made so many amazing memories together. Your dad loving Ivy when he was young won’t change any of that and neither will him seeing her again. She doesn’t want to replace your mum or taint any memories you have of her. She just wants to see your dad, to close his chapter in her book if you like. They met in New Orleans in the sixties and fell in love but he had to come back to England because his dad was dying and he had to take over the family accounting business. They were parted by circumstances and she just wants a chance to see him again. Surely that’s not too much to ask?’

  I breathed a silent sigh of relief as Dr Browning’s features softened. He ran a hand down his face and exhaled loudly. For the first time, I noticed how tired he looked.

  ‘When you put it like that, it almost sounds reasonable. It’s just hard to know what to for the best… After the stroke, he moved in with me and my family; had to really, he couldn’t live on his own any more. We had to help him to walk and talk and do things for himself again, it was a really long road. He’s recovered well though; he still has some problems getting about but he’s sharp as a tack. I just don’t want him to get hurt, that’s all. Mum’s death hit him hard; if he got emotionally involved with this Ivy St Clair woman and lost her too, I don’t think he could handle it.’

  A pang of guilt resonated through me. With Ivy’s prognosis not looking certain at the moment, I could be causing Leo untold grief after he’d been through so much already.

  ‘I’ll be straight with you: Ivy’s got leukaemia. They think they’ve caught it early and she’s starting treatment for it but that makes it even more important that she sees him. Falling ill’s made her realise what’s important and the most important thing for her is seeing Leo again.’

  Dr Browning’s mouth hardened into a stern line. ‘Right, well as I said, I don’t want my dad getting hurt again so…’

  ‘Please!’ I cut across him and his jaw dropped. ‘Why don’t you talk to him about it, see what he says? He might say he’s not interested in seeing her but he at least deserves to know she’s trying to find him, doesn’t he?’

  Dr Browning was silent for a moment. He made a little pyramid with his hands and rested his chin on it, his eyes moving around the room and looking at everything but me.

  ‘I’ll talk to him,’ he eventually agreed. ‘You’re right; it’s his decision, not mine.’

  I spent the rest of my time with him answering questions about Ivy and Leo. Naturally, he had a lot as he’d never even heard of Ivy before seeing my post on Friends Reunited.

  ‘So she was his first love then?’ he asked as we walked back into the reception area.

  ‘Yup, for their first date they took a picnic to a park and watched the stars. She was heartbroken when he left; I don’t think she’s ever really got over it.’

  ‘Wow, I don’t suppose you ever think of your parents doing something like that, do you?’ He dug his hands deep into the pockets of his white lab coat and sighed. ‘You just think of them as the people who feed and clothe you.’

  ‘I hope your dad says yes to meeting Ivy, it’d mean the world to her.’ I pulled a scarf out of my bag and wound it round my neck, bracing myself for the cold day that awaited me outside.

  ‘I’ll do my best.’ Dr Browning paused for a moment and looked at me. ‘Listen… I’m sorry about how I was before. I was completely out of order with some of the things I said. I was just trying to do what I thought was best for my dad.’

  I smiled. ‘No I totally get it, really I do. I’d be the same if it happened to me. Hopefully now I’ve convinced you I’m not just out to fill column inches!’

  ‘Oh I don’t know about that,’ he shot back with a sly grin. ‘Listen, about Ivy’s leukaemia… Tell her she should pay us a visit. We have an excellent oncology department.’

  My heart soared with joy. ‘I’ll let her know.’

  ***

  I felt a sense of accomplishment when I got back to the office that afternoon. I felt like I was in a Katrina and the Waves video and like everything was going to be OK. In short, I was walking on sunshine.

  I blame this feeling directly for what happened next. Nate sidled up to my desk and plonked his perfect arse on it. He blocked my computer screen with his hands so doing work was impossible.

  ‘I’m going to tell you something that might surprise you; I’ve never been turned down for a date before.’

  I raised a sceptical eyebrow. ‘Oh really?’

  ‘Yeah, and technically I still haven’t because you agreed to go out with me; we just haven’t been out together yet. It’s been a while since I asked so it’s getting a bit embarrassing now. So I’m going to do something I’ve never done before: I’m going to ask you out again. Now usually I know when to take a hint but with you… I dunno, you make me act differently. So what do you say, fancy going out with me?’

  I was surprised at being asked out by someone I’d made every effort to put off. Usually guys took the hint and moved onto the next girl but not Nate; he seemed to be different. I frantically searched all four corners of my mind, looking for a valid reason to say no. Nate was new and unexplored territory; in short, he absolutely terrified me. Plus, letting someone new into my life meant the search for Mr Writer had to come to an end, once and for all. There could be no more jumping back into it when a new development suddenly happened; I’d have to abandon it all and give my relationship a real go. From my experience, you couldn’t half-arse love. Besides, I couldn’t see any prospective boyfriend being happy at my secret admirer from way back at uni rocking up after so long. Then again, the search had been a complete disaster up till now; James was a slimeball and Adam just wasn’t The One, despite being lovely. I still had Dean Smith to track down and MistySparkles27’s friend to meet but I wasn’t hopeful of either of those going well. Maybe Nate’s newfound tenacity was a sign…

  I counted to three in my head then forced a smile. ‘Sure, why not?’

  ‘Are you serious?’ He looked at me like Ashton Kutcher might pop out of the stationery cupboard and tell him he’d been Punk’d.

  ‘Yup, how about we go for a meal or something? You pick the place.’

  ‘Nice one! I’ll give you a ring later on to see what time to pick you up.’ He looked like the cat who’d got the cream; it was quite amusing.

  I sashayed away from my desk to the water cooler, feeling very much like Carrie Bradshaw. All in all, today had been an awesome day: I’d got the ball rolling for what I was sure would be an incredibly romantic reunion and arranged a date with the office hottie. Life was definitely looking up.

  So why didn’t I feel happier?

  Chapter 18

  Nate arrived to pick me up at eight that night. I walked out of my flat to see him sitting in a brand new white Audi A6. He really did have a thing for Audis, I thought.

  ‘Nice wheels!’ I climbed in and sank into the soft leather interiors. ‘You know how to make an impression.’

  ‘When Nate Walton takes a girl out, he takes her out in style! This baby’s just fresh out the showroom.’ />
  I forced myself to smile; I hated it when people referred to themselves in the third person. It was as if they were making every effort not to be themselves. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the feeling that this date signalled the end of looking for Mr Writer had grown stronger. I felt truly awful inside.

  We drove off and a short while later, Nate pulled up outside a very familiar place: Browns. My blood froze in my veins when I saw the familiar silver lettering. I really hoped it was Max’s night off.

  ‘What do you think? Does Nate Walton know how to pick a good date venue or what?’

  Grr, that bloody third person thing again!

  ‘Yeah, I-I love the food here.’ I craned my neck to see if I could catch a glimpse of the kitchen but with no success.

  Nate got out of the car and ran round to open my door.

  ‘Shall we?’ He put out an arm for me to take.

  I accepted it and let him help me out of the car. His arm felt sinewy and strong underneath his white cotton shirt. As we drew closer and closer to the restaurant’s front door, my insides performed some unsettling rhythmic gymnastics. Food was the last thing on my mind. I wanted to go home, climb inside my duvet and never come out again.

  Nate held the door open for me and I stepped into the familiar, cosy environment of Brown’s. Its peaceful, relaxed atmosphere felt like home but at that moment, I’d never wanted to be in there less. Every muscle in my body cringed as I saw Max’s friend Holly make her way over to us. Her brow furrowed when she clapped eyes on Nate; if looks could kill, he’d have been a goner.

  ‘Table for two?’ she asked tartly. She picked up some menus and glared at me.

  I flashed her a “what’s up?” look but she didn’t respond.

  ‘Yup, just lead the way darling!’ Nate winked at Holly, who looked thoroughly disgusted. He obviously thought he was charming because a self-satisfied smirk spread across his stubbly face.

  Holly led us to a table near the kitchen; it was the only one left. I tried not to show how uncomfortable I was and took a seat.

  ‘Can I get you anything to drink?’ Holly asked, looking at me suspiciously every so often.

  ‘I’ll have a pint of lager please,’ said Nate.

  ‘Just water for me thanks.’

  A clear head was a must for getting through this evening. I was on a sort-of date at my best friend’s workplace with someone he didn’t like, meaning there was a high chance of them clashing – and to top it all off, said best friend had recently kissed me which meant a metric shit ton of unresolved awkwardness. With all that to contend with, the last thing I needed was to get absolutely trolleyed.

  Holly said our drinks would be with us shortly and stalked off in the direction of the bar, looking furious.

  ‘Not having a glass of wine?’ Nate asked, staring at me from across the table.

  ‘Nah, not tonight,’ I replied as I unfolded my menu.

  He took a long stretch, revealing his muscly arms and chest. The cotton shirt tightened across his biceps and broad shoulders, giving a delicious hint of just how toned he was. After a peek, I quickly averted my gaze back to my menu, even though I already knew what I wanted. Nate reached over and gently pulled it away, smiling broadly.

  ‘Ava, will you please relax? I’m not a serial killer; I’m actually a pretty decent bloke. The way you’re acting, you’d think you were on a date with Jack the Ripper or something!’

  I screwed my eyes shut with embarrassment. He was right; I’d been acting like a complete knob. Although my mind was filled with Mr Writer’s letters and the weirdness with Max, I’d agreed to go out with Nate so he deserved my full attention.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘As you can probably tell, I’m out of practice where dating’s concerned! I’ve not had the best luck with men and I tend to expect the worst but hope for the best.’

  Nate smiled. ‘Go on then, tell me all your war stories. If there’s one thing Nate Walton’s good at, it’s giving advice!’

  I decided to overlook the talking-in-the-third-person thing, at least for tonight. Sure it was annoying, but didn’t everyone have a flaw?

  I told him about my dad and Dave, giving blow-by-blow accounts as if I’d relived them every day since they’d happened. The pain from both incidents was as fresh as it had always been. I began to wonder if there was a link between my past experiences with men letting me down and my refusal to believe in love. I’d been so closed-off to the idea for ages, despite the impression I liked to give people.

  ‘Well, tonight I’m going to treat you like a princess. Get ready for the most special experience of your life!’

  ‘You’ve made things pretty special already.’ I chuckled softly and flicked some hair out of my face. ‘Believe it or not, it’s not every day that a bloke sends me a huge bunch of flowers to ask me out on a date!’

  Happy with my response, he leaned forward and put his hands round mine. The roughness I’d felt the first time we met had softened a little and his touch was light and delicate.

  ‘Now that I find very hard to believe,’ he said softly.

  He tightened his grip on my hands and I gave a little shy smile. The moment was brief as I soon felt a pair of eyes staring at me from my left-hand side. I turned and saw Max looking at us from the kitchen. I didn’t get a chance to read the expression on his face; the moment our eyes met, he stalked off to the opposite corner of the kitchen.

  Nate followed my gaze and frowned.

  ‘What were you looking at?’

  ‘Oh nothing,’ I waved my hand dismissively and smiled. ‘Ooh look, the drinks are coming.’

  Holly walked over to our table and set down the lager and water in front of us.

  ‘Are you ready to order?’ she asked stiffly.

  ‘I’ll have the stuffed peppers to start then the wild mushroom risotto and the pear crumble please,’ I replied.

  Nate glanced at the menu quickly then fixed Holly with his best smile.

  ‘I’ll have the mezze plate, the steak and chips and the New York cheesecake. Thanks love.’

  ‘Thanks for your order. It shouldn’t be too long for you.’

  She cast me another glare before heading off to the kitchen with our order. Nate scrunched his nose up and frowned.

  ‘God, was she sour-faced or what? Can’t seem to get the staff these days!’

  I didn’t say anything. Instead, I glanced over at the kitchen, where Max was busy watching a sizzling saucepan. He briefly took his eyes off the food and his eyes locked with mine. I saw just how hurt he looked and my stomach twisted itself into painful knots. Part of me wanted to run over and hug him, like he always did with me to make me feel better. However, before I could say or do anything, his gaze was back on the food in front of him. I’d missed my chance.

  Brown’s infectiously cheerful atmosphere and delicious food soon ensnared my senses and dulled the ache in my stomach. The peppers stuffed with feta cheese were delicious and the wild mushroom risotto was sumptuous and creamy.

  I also had to admit that Nate’s company wasn’t entirely unpleasant.

  ‘So you’ve worked in Paris, LA and New York?’ I said in wonder.

  He nodded and put his pint down after taking a sip. ‘Yup, I’ve done a bit of everything really; local newspapers, fashion magazines, portfolio work for some models. I’ve been a lucky boy really; I’ve done assignments in San Francisco, Sydney and Bali. You name it, I’ve probably been there!’

  ‘Let me guess, your heart really lies in nature photography or photographing old buildings or something like that?’ I teased.

  ‘Oh no, I like working with beautiful models!’ He chuckled and picked up his pint again. ‘Nah, that has its perks and all that but you got it spot on; I really love taking pictures of old buildings. I just find architecture so interesting; it can really shape and define a place. Take round here for instance; you’ve got all the old red brick buildings that they’ve converted into luxury flats then the huge glass-and-steel beasts. Such a m
ix in one city.’

  I gazed at him and smiled. His face had lit up with passion and there was a fire in his eyes I hadn’t seen before. As reluctant as I’d been to go out with him, this date was turning out to be not too bad at all.

  ‘Anyway,’ he continued. ‘Enough about me; what gets your fires going? What moves you to get up in the morning? There must be something you’re really passionate about.’

  I paused for a second to think, suddenly feeling very self-conscious.

  ‘Um… I guess I’d say it’s my job. I absolutely love it, although I’m not currently doing what I set out to do. I wanted to run the dating column you see, but Maddie McQueen got the job instead of me.’

  ‘Oh yeah I know Maddie.’ He smiled ruefully. ‘She’s… not exactly the easiest person to work with, is she?’

  I chuckled. ‘No, definitely not! I was at uni with her and she was as much of a diva then as she is now. Anyway, it might sound stupid but the reason I wanted to do the dating column was to help people find love. I’d just love the feeling of knowing I’d helped someone find the person they wanted to spend the rest of their life with.’

  Nate smiled and took my hands in his. ‘That’s so sweet. You’re really kind Ava, you know that?’

  ‘I don’t know about that…’ My voice trailed off and I dropped my eyes to hide my shy smile. A few seconds later, I felt brave enough to meet his gaze.

  ‘I’ve had a really nice time tonight,’ I said.

  ‘Me too, it’s been great getting to know you a bit better. In fact, maybe we could…’

  Just then, Holly interrupted the moment by bringing us our bowls of steaming hot pear crumble. The sweet smell of sugar and cinnamon leapt out and greeted me as soon as she put it down.

  ‘Enjoy.’ The dry tone in her voice and the sour look on her face suggested she’d rather I choked on it.

  I noticed something stuck to the side of the bowl that was facing me: a pink Post-it note. Before Nate could see, I peeled it off and stuffed it into my pocket. After all, it couldn’t be there for no reason, could it?

  I broke off some crumble with my spoon and was just about to put it in my mouth when I saw an unexpected figure waltz into the restaurant: Gwen She was wearing a pair of powder blue skinny jeans, a lime camisole and black bowler hat. As usual, she looked eccentrically cool. She walked up to Holly, whispered to her and moments later, Max came out of the kitchen. I looked at him but his eyes were naturally fixed on Gwen. He gave her a quick hug then led her over to a table on the opposite side of the restaurant. The painful knots in my stomach returned but I ignored them and went back to my crumble.