by Lynsey James
‘Well it… it wasn’t what it looked like.’ Her eyes silently pleaded with me to believe her but after the hard time she’d given me for the last three years, I wasn’t planning to make it easy for her.
‘Oh yeah? What was it then, because it looked like you and Paddy were shagging!’
Both of them cringed; I revelled in their discomfort. Paddy was clueless about the way things were at the magazine and Miranda made it her mission to make everyone’s lives miserable.
She sighed, realising she’d been defeated. ‘OK, so it is how it looks. We thought you’d be gone longer while you dealt with your parcel and phone call. Needless to say, if word got round the office about this…’
‘You’d be in deep shit,’ I finished.
I knew the publishing group didn’t take kindly to relationships between senior members of staff. They were worried it would make the group look bad and send circulation figures plummeting.
‘Exactly, so I hope we can count on your discretion?’
I caught the upward inflection in her voice; she was asking me to keep quiet, not demanding me to.
‘I’ve got nothing to gain by blabbing to everyone, have I? However, there’s something I’d like you to do.’
‘Just name it Mar… Ava,’ said Paddy.
‘I want a fair shot at pitching. I’m not the best public speaker in the world so my delivery might be a bit jittery; just give me a chance and listen to my idea.’
Miranda looked at Paddy as if she didn’t believe I was finished.
‘Is that it?’ she asked.
I nodded. ‘Unlike some people in this office, I’m not out for all I can get from people. All I want is a chance. Deal?’
I put out my hand and Miranda shook it, with Paddy following suit. They took their seats and I prepared to pitch.
Chapter 20
The pitch went well with no projectile vomiting. Knowing I was going to be given a fair chance to present my idea made me relax a lot more. I was able to outline my idea and state who my sources were and what my angle for the article would be.
‘Well done Ava, it’s an original idea that I think will turn out well.’
Miranda sounded like the words were sticking in her throat but I didn’t care. A compliment was a compliment, wasn’t it?
Nate was waiting for me at the end of the day. He was leaning carelessly against the exterior wall with a leather jacket hanging off his shoulder. He was trying and failing to pull off the James Dean look.
‘Ready for tonight then?’ he asked, falling into step with me as I walked to my car.
‘Yeah, what have you got planned?’
He tapped his nose and winked. It really was a very annoying gesture.
‘All in good time Miss Clements, all in good time!’
I mumbled something about seeing him later and climbed in my car before the conversation continued much longer. I felt like a horrible witch; Nate was trying to impress me and show me a good time and I was being an ungrateful cow.
When I got home, I felt an uncontrollable urge to open the shortbread tin one last time. I’d stuffed it back at the bottom of my wardrobe after deciding to give up on Mr Writer but I needed his words now more than ever. It had been weeks since his last letter and openly acknowledging that I wasn’t going to look for him any more had left a gaping void in my heart that nothing could fill.
I reached into my wardrobe and yanked the shortbread tin free. All I wanted was to look at the letters one last time before I put him out of my mind for good. Tonight marked the first second date I’d had in well over a year; that had to mean something. On paper, Nate was the perfect guy. Maybe it was a little bit different in practice but everyone had their flaws, didn’t they? Embarking on a relationship with him wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I selected a letter from the middle of the pile and opened it. The realisation that this would be the last time I’d read the letters hit me like a train. I wanted time to slow down to a crawl so I could savour every word on the page.
Dear Ava
We have so many choices to make in life: who to be friends with, who to trust and who not to trust, what we want to be when we grow up. The list is pretty much endless. The only choice taken out of our hands is who we fall in love with. I’ve thought about it long and hard and if I had any control over the matter, I’d choose you every time. I can’t imagine anyone making me feel the way you do. Even though we’re not together as a couple, my heart belongs to you and I don’t want it back any time soon.
I can’t remember the exact moment I fell in love with you. That happened far too long ago now. I do remember how I felt though; it was like waking up and seeing something amazing right under my nose. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it before but sometimes it takes a while to see what’s right in front of you. They say you know when you’ve met The One and I’m a firm believer of this. When I fell in love with you, I knew it was something special. That’ll probably make you wonder why the hell I didn’t do something about it, but believe me I had my reasons.
I’ve got some news for you: in the next couple of letters, I’m going to arrange to meet up with you. If you’d still like to of course, I really hope you do. Look at the bottom of the next letter for details and if you want to come meet me, I promise I’ll be there. Who knows, it could be the start of something amazing. Keep smiling, beautiful.
Love always
?
My heart felt like it was caught in a vice and being slowly crushed. I remembered the events that had happened a couple of weeks after getting this letter. They were in super-sharp high definition at the front of my mind…
***
Six years earlier
Where is he?
He said he’d be here at four o’clock.
As sheets of rain fell around me, soaking me to my skin, I wondered whether I’d made a dreadful mistake. After all, what self-respecting twenty-year-old went to meet a complete stranger by herself?
Me, apparently.
Who would allow herself to be taken in by some beautiful love letters and fall for someone who might not even be real?
Yup, me again.
Stupid, gullible Ava Clements.
I’d been standing outside Heaton Hall, a beautiful structure nestled in the middle of Heaton Park, for twenty lonely and very wet minutes; the excitement that had been fizzing around in my stomach was completely gone.
Why hasn’t he turned up?
More importantly, why on earth had I ever believed he would?
I dug my hands deep into my jeans pockets and felt the piece of paper that had brought me here. It was smooth and crisp beneath my fingers but I couldn’t bring myself to look at it. No good could ever come from looking at it again.
I spun on my heel and, with a heavy heart, began to make my way home.
I’d never felt so humiliated in my life. That day had marked the start of six years of radio silence from Mr Writer, until last month. At the time, I’d assumed he’d changed his mind about me, that maybe I wasn’t as special to him as he’d made out. Now, of course, I knew different. It had been his self-doubt that had stopped him from turning up; he thought he hadn’t been enough for me. Yet I was no closer to finding the person behind the letters than I’d been six years ago. Sure, I’d eliminated a couple of people but I was still stuck on square one. Yes, I thought, it was time to accept that my efforts to find him had failed.
Nate was bang on time picking me up, as he’d been on our first date. A little part of me sank when I saw the sleek white Audi pull up outside my building. Gwen had swanned off out earlier, claiming she was meeting a “friend”. Of course I knew she was off to see Max and felt annoyed that she didn’t just admit it. She’d been quick enough to tell me she was in love with him and hadn’t wasted any time in making her move on him. I didn’t know why I was so annoyed, but even thinking about it made me want to smash a lamp or something.
‘Ava, you look as gorgeous as ever,’ said Nate wh
en I got to the car.
‘Thanks.’ I smoothed down my teal skater dress then climbed onto the seat. ‘What’s the plan for tonight then?’
He did the annoying tapping-his-nose-then-winking thing then drove off before I could ask any more questions.
We weren’t on the road very long when he parked up outside a very familiar building.
‘Why are we at Max’s?’ I asked, my nose wrinkling with confusion.
‘Well since it was just the two of us on our first date, I thought it might be fun to include your mates on this one. I got in touch with Max and asked if he fancied a little get-together round at his. He said yes, so here we are!’
Oh no. This “get-together” was only going to lead to trouble. Max didn’t like Nate, especially after the fiasco at the Halloween wedding, so to put them in a room together for a few hours would be nothing short of disastrous.
‘You don’t look too happy,’ Nate remarked, looking a little put out that his grand idea hadn’t had the effect he’d hoped for.
‘No I am, it’s just… You know what, everything’s perfect.’ I fixed a smile to my face and got out the car, determined that tonight would be a success, no matter what.
Max, as usual, had gone all out food-wise. He’d made huge plates of chicken stir fry – my favourite – along with an utterly divine-looking chocolate cake for pudding. We exchanged awkward smiles by way of greeting and he and Nate just sort of grunted at each other. My stomach was doing all kinds of gymnastics so despite the delicious food on offer I didn’t feel much like eating it.
Gwen made her grand entrance a few minutes later, popping out rather pointedly from the bedroom. Her little face pinked up as soon as she saw me.
‘Hi chick!’ She brought me over a glass of wine, which I assumed was a peace offering.
‘So this is the “friend” you were going round to see?’ My voice was much more bitter than I’d meant it to be.
She nodded, sending little wisps of white-blonde hair over her eyes. She looked up at me from underneath her eyelashes and resembled a puppy who’d been caught peeing on the carpet.
‘Yeah, sorry I didn’t say anything it’s just…’
‘No it’s fine.’ I cut across her, desperate to avoid her wafer-thin excuses. ‘You told me you and Max were going to give things a go, so it’s cool.’
Liar.
‘Everything’s just so new at the minute Ava. It’s weird and exciting and I’ve never felt like this before. After everything that happened with Tom, I thought I was ready to pack men in altogether and join a nunnery or something. Max is… I don’t know, there’s just something amazing about him. The way he comforted me after I told him what happened with Tom was brilliant; he was so kind and gentle. I’d never thought about anything happening between us before but it just seems really natural!’
‘Good, I’m glad you’re happy,’ I replied. I looked over at Max, who shot me a sheepish sideways glance before decamping to the kitchen.
‘I am! And you’re here with Nate, so we’ve both got hunky guys for the first time ever! Well except when I was going out with Harry and you were with Dave…’
The mention of Dave’s name cast an even more awkward atmosphere over the conversation. The last thing I needed was to be reminded of him again. I mumbled some excuse about needing to find Nate then buzzed off before Gwen could reply.
He caught me by the waist on my way to the kitchen to find Max.
‘You’re the most beautiful girl here tonight,’ he whispered in my ear.
‘There’s only one other girl here!’ I chuckled and instantly regretted it when I saw how hurt he looked. Poor bloke; he’d only been trying to give me a compliment.
‘Sorry, I can be such a cow sometimes,’ I said. ‘Thank you for putting up with me!’
I planted a soft kiss on his lips, painfully aware that Max could see everything. A second later, I heard the fridge door slam and he came back to the living room.
‘Can I talk to you for a minute?’ he muttered as he walked past me. He kept on walking so as not to look too suspicious and stopped in the hall.
I followed him and folded my arms like a petulant child who wasn’t getting her own way.
‘Yes, how can I help you?’ My voice was so cold I was surprised I didn’t plunge the flat into a new Ice Age.
‘Look, cut the Ice Queen act for a minute, eh? I just want a little bit of your time then you can go back to hanging off Lover Boy all night.’
He shot a dark look at Nate, who was busy swigging from a can of lager and lounging on the sofa.
‘Careful Max, you don’t want to sound like you care.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘For someone who’s meant to be taken yourself, you sound awfully jealous of me and Nate.’
‘I’m not jealous, trust me.’
‘Max, we’ve been friends for twenty-odd years; don’t start lying to me now!’
‘If you ask me, you’re the one who’s jealous. I know the thing with me and Gwen came a bit out of the blue but it’s cool and kind of weird at the same time. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens with us and if you can’t deal with that –’
‘Ugh, please. We had one kiss that didn’t mean anything; trust me, I’m already over it.’
I walked off as a salty sting pricked the back of my throat and eyes. I was determined not to let Max see how he’d hurt me.
***
A little while later, we were all sat on the couch watching a movie on Max’s big screen TV. There were two perfect little pairs and for once, I was part of one. I wasn’t on the outside looking in like I’d been the night I’d gone out with Gary from Stockport. Here I was, with Nate’s muscly arm wrapped round my shoulder while he gently stroked the bare skin at the top of my arm. Meanwhile, Gwen and Max were on the other couch; he had his legs stretched out wide and she lay in the middle. His arms were slung lazily around her and their fingers were locked together.
I tore my gaze away from the film, which wasn’t that interesting anyway, and looked over at them. Gwen stirred slightly and repositioned herself with a contented little sigh. She reminded me of a cat sitting on its owner’s lap and I wasn’t so sure it was in a good way.
Nate took a stretch and yawned loudly. ‘Fancy heading up the road then?’
This caught Max’s attention and he flipped round to look at us, seemingly not caring he’d knocked Gwen off balance.
‘Don’t be silly, we just got here,’ I replied. ‘We can’t leave now.’
‘We’ve been here for hours Ava, I’d like to get up the road and spend a bit of time with you if that’s OK.’
He sounded pretty grumpy; over the course of the evening, it had been pretty obvious that he and Max were never going to be best friends. They disagreed on most things: Max was into politics, Nate wasn’t; Max loved talking about food while it bored Nate to death. They were both so different yet the one thing that bound them together was their apparent feelings for me.
What a mess.
‘Leave if you like, we’re going to have an early night I think,’ Max replied with a quick grin.
Gwen blushed and gave him a playful tap on the arm. ‘Max you can’t say that!’
He murmured a reply in her ear then nuzzled into her neck while she giggled. My insides shrivelled up.
‘Right well… We’ll be going then.’ I grabbed my coat and dragged Nate out the door while my two best friends played tonsil hockey on the sofa.
Nate drove me home and we kissed in the car for what felt like hours. His lips became more and more insistent and pressed harder on mine as his desire rose.
‘Can I come in for a coffee?’ he asked as his hand moved down to my breast.
‘Not tonight eh? I’ve… I’ve got stuff to do in the morning.’ I was lying through my teeth but the thought of inviting Nate into my personal space filled me with dread.
‘Well I’ve got something I’d like to do right now – you.’ His kisses moved do
wn to my neck and he allowed his teeth to graze against my skin.
I put my hands on his shoulders and moved him back to make myself more comfortable. His face was blank but I could tell from the look in his eyes he wasn’t happy at being stopped.
‘What is it?’ He frowned and waited to hear what he’d done wrong.
I didn’t know exactly what was wrong, but had a strong suspicion it was to do with him not being Mr Writer. Going out with Nate was the only reason I’d given up on finding him – well that and the lack of letters – and a part of me resented him for it. If he’d just moved on to one of the work experience girls, I’d still be consumed in my search and thinking it would all come together one day.
‘Nothing,’ I replied. ‘Nothing at all, everything’s fine.’
I had to remind myself that Nate was a real, flesh-and-blood guy who wanted to be with me. He was here right now when it counted and not hiding behind a bunch of letters.
‘So can I come up then?’
‘Would you mind if we left it tonight? I’m really tired and I’m up early tomorrow.’
He nodded slowly and his mouth formed a harsh line on his otherwise perfect face. ‘No worries; another time eh?’
‘Sure.’
Feeling like the biggest bitch in the world, I got out of the car. Before Nate drove away, he rolled his window down.
‘I know I’m not everything you want Ava. Maybe I don’t tick all your boxes but I’m here. Think about that.’
Without giving me a chance to reply, he drove off into the night.
A quick trip through the lobby door later, I was back in my flat. I felt something crunch underneath my feet as I stepped through the front door and, when I looked down to see what I’d stood on, I saw a slightly crumpled envelope lying on the floor A little bubble of hope rose in me when I picked it up; I was hoping against hope that it would bring another twist in my journey to find my secret admirer.
Sure enough, his loopy slanted handwriting was on the front. My heart skipped a beat as I turned over to rip it open. However, before I could, three words on the back stopped me in my tracks.