by Lynsey James
MY FINAL LETTER
Chapter 21
Dear Ava,
Writing this letter is both difficult and amazing in equal measure. It’s the letter I never thought I’d write but one I’m privileged to. Yes Ava, I’m finally ready for us to meet. I know it’s been a long time coming and I promise you it’ll be worth it; I can’t wait to meet you at last. I’m just putting the finishing touches to my grand reveal and I’ll let you know somehow when everything’s in place. The letters stop now though. It’s time for us to take things to the next level.
I could spend the rest of this letter going on about how great it’ll be if we finally get together (I’m still aware there’s a possibility this won’t happen) but I won’t. See the thing is, I know it’s not going to be all rainbows and butterflies for us. There will be times when we get on each other’s nerves and when we argue to the point where we don’t know if we should carry on any more. I know it won’t be perfect but it’ll be us and that’s enough for me. I hope it is for you too. For every shouting match we have and every careless remark made, there will be a hundred times where we’re lying with our arms wrapped round each other, scarcely able to believe that we got so lucky. Everyone around us won’t believe that two people could be as in love as we are. I promise to love you until there’s not a breath left in my body. To me, that means more than empty promises of exotic trips and expensive gifts. Promises are broken and gifts can be lost, but the love I promise to give you will last forever. Keep smiling, beautiful.
Love always
?
Well that was a turn up for the books.
I might’ve given up, but Mr Writer certainly hadn’t. My worst fear had been demolished at last; he hadn’t got fed up with me. After six whole years and a shit load of letters, we were finally going to meet. Although I didn’t know when or where it would be, I knew it would be the pivotal moment I’d been waiting for all my life. We’d fall into each other’s arms and kiss and then ride off into the sunset together. I couldn’t wait. The day I met him was going to be the first day of the rest of my life.
Just as I was planning to do a happy dance then devour a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, there was a knock at the door. I almost jumped out of my skin; who the hell was visiting me at this time? More to the point, did I really want to know? Cautiously, I approached the door, armed with one of Gwen’s stupidly high stilettos. If it was an intruder, I could at least bash him in the face with it.
I didn’t really have a list in my head of people who could possibly be on the other side of the door. However, it’s pretty safe to say I wasn’t expecting to see Max standing in front of me.
‘Max… What are you doing here?’
I brushed some hair out of my eyes so I could see him properly. A ghost of a smile danced at the corners of his mouth and there was a look in his eyes I couldn’t quite define.
‘Before I tell you, do you think you could put the shoe down?’ He chuckled softly and goose bumps rose on my arms.
I did as he asked and chucked the glittery high heel on the floor. It landed with a clatter that made us both jump.
‘OK, now that’s done can I come in?’ His face had relaxed now and looked as warm and kind as it always did.
‘Sure.’ I stood aside then he walked into my hallway and leaned against the wall.
I decided to get the sensible questions out of the way first before delving into why he’d come to my flat at gone midnight.
‘Where’s Gwen?’
‘She’s gone to stay at a mate’s house.’ Max pushed himself off the wall and stepped closer to me. Instinctively, I edged backwards.
‘Why? If you’ve hurt her Max, I swear I’ll never forgive you!’
‘I haven’t hurt her. OK, maybe she’s a bit annoyed but she’ll live.’
‘What have you done?’
I backed away again like he’d told me he was an axe murderer. The thought made me laugh; Max would be the world’s worst killer. He’d end up making his victim tea and sandwiches instead.
‘I told her gently and politely that things weren’t going to work out between us, that we were too good friends to be anything more. She threw a shoe at me.’ He lifted up his fringe to show me a small cut on his forehead. He looked a bit like Harry Potter. ‘Then she grabbed her stuff and went to her mate Jenny’s house. I’ve just got off the phone with her now actually. She’s had a bit of time to cool down and she agrees with me; what we had was good but we’re better off being mates.’
My nose wrinkled as I processed what he was saying. ‘It didn’t look like that when me and Nate were round.’
‘We had fun together and being coupley with her was nice,’ Max explained. ‘But the way I felt when we kissed at my flat that night… Ava, I’ve never felt like that before and I don’t think I ever will again.’
My breath caught in my throat. I knew there was a stock response for this kind of thing but I was buggered if I knew what it was. Butterflies began to flutter in my stomach, and my head spun as I tried to process what he was telling me. In the back of my mind, an excited little voice whispered that things were finally about to fall into place. I grinned broadly as I realised I was more than ready to let that happen. For once in my chaotic life, things were starting to make sense.
‘Max, I… I don’t know what to say! So what, you’re telling me you have feelings for me, is that right?’
He let out a soft laugh and smiled, his perfect teeth on full display. ‘Yeah Ava, that’s exactly what I’m saying.’
‘O-OK, I-I just wanted to make sure I had it right, that’s all…’ I trailed off while my brain tried to cobble together a suitable reply. While I willed myself to assemble some kind of coherent response, it seemed my brain had nothing to give. What I was feeling was beyond logic and reason and thinking; I had to let my heart do the talking here. The prospect of surrendering sense for emotions scared and excited me.
Max took a few more steps towards me and I didn’t back away. Instead, I looked at the floor while I tried to take in the news that my best friend in the whole wide world had feelings for me.
He put a finger under my chin and tilted my head upwards. He looked delicious bathed in moonlight from the hall window.
‘I know this is mad, believe me I do, but it’s the realest thing I’ve ever felt in my life. I didn’t plan on falling for my best friend but here I am, at Christ knows what time of the morning, pouring my heart out to you and hoping you might feel the same. Seeing you with Nate tonight killed me. I hated seeing him with his arms round you or kissing you because I wanted to be the one doing that.’
I stood there, speechless and not knowing how to feel. A part of me silently screamed that this was the best news I’d ever heard while the rest of me was totally flummoxed.
‘Ava, help me out here eh?’
Max laughed and bit his bottom lip. I could tell from his voice that he was panicking in case he’d made a fool of himself. Finally, some words came to mind. My brain cleared and I knew exactly what to say. For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like there was any smoke and mirrors; there was no hidden agendas, secrets or lies. There was only Max and his love for me and I’d never felt happier.
‘You know that kiss?’ I said. I paused and pursed my lips for a second, trying to keep my giddiness from bursting out of me. I felt light-headed and carefree, like I was on a fairground ride that was spinning and dancing. I didn’t feel scared or unsure like I had with Dave or any of the others. This felt right; it was right.
‘Uh huh.’
‘Do you think you could remind me what it was like? Maybe give me an action replay?’
Max nodded and bent his head towards mine. I held it in both hands and ran my fingers through his hair. His arms were wrapped around my shoulders and waist and he pulled me as close to him as he could. Our lips moved together in perfect sync, our tongues danced with one another and I was happier than I’d ever been.
He pinned me against the wall and lifted me up s
o he could kiss me better. I wrapped my legs around his waist and began tugging at his hoodie. Kissing wasn’t going to be enough this time; I needed to feel his touch, to connect with him in a way we never had before. Though my hands were shaking with excitement, I eventually managed to unzip it, pull it off and throw it away.
It was his turn next. He slid his hands under my purple chiffon top and slid it off with incredible ease.
‘Anyone would think you’d done this before,’ I breathed between kisses.
‘Oh yeah, I’m an expert, me.’
I could feel him smile as we kissed; it was a wonderful feeling. Being close to me was making him smile, what could be better than that?
Max set me down and began planting sweet little kisses along my bare collarbone. He caressed my hips and breasts with a tenderness I’d never experienced before. Most guys just pawed insistently with no consideration for the woman whatsoever. I’d even had a boyfriend who’d grabbed my breasts and yelled ‘honk, honk!’ Max was a different beast though; he knew what he was doing. He was sensuous but sensitive, striking the right balance between being sexual and tender.
‘So this is what I’ve been missing all these years,’ I said with a grin.
‘Pretty much. We’ve got plenty of catching up to do, you and me.’
Max unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them off, taking my underwear with them. He bit his lip again and raised his eyebrows at me. It was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen.
‘Let’s start now, shall we?’
He got onto his knees and put his hands on my hips to steady my lower half. Within seconds, I could feel his tongue moving rhythmically in all the right places and waves of intense pleasure washed over me. My knees and thighs trembled; I had to grab hold of his hair to stop myself crying out. I’d never felt pleasure like this before. The only experience I’d ever had of this was when I was seventeen; my boyfriend at the time decided to go down on me and ended up doing a very bad job thanks to chronic lizard tongue.
Not Max though. He went back and forth, up and down then mixed it up by swirling his tongue in delicious concentric circles. I wanted this moment to be strung out forever; it was far too amazing to end. He moved his tongue away and began kissing my thighs then my hips, moving up my stomach then to my breasts then settled at my neck. As he slowly kissed it, his hands wandered everywhere as if they wanted to take every inch of me in. I felt two of his fingers slip inside me and arched my back with pleasure.
‘Good?’ he whispered as his lips made their way to mine.
All I could do was nod and moan. Max was all about me and it was wonderful. He kissed me slowly and softly then pulled his head back.
‘What are you doing?!’ I asked.
‘Relax,’ he whispered.
He took my hands in his and guided them down to his jeans. I unbuttoned them and hauled them off with a surprising urgency.
‘Bedroom?’
‘Bedroom.’
***
Max and I had sex four times before the sun rose over Manchester on a crisp December morning. It was the best sex I’d ever had, so amazing that I felt on the knife-edge of sanity, like I’d go mad if he stopped. It was animalistic, primal but sensual and beautiful. It wasn’t just straightforward stuffing body parts into one another; I felt like Max was giving me a part of his soul.
After doing it in the bed, we then moved to the bathroom, the kitchen and finally the living room. Once we were tired out, we fell asleep on the rug and used the multi-coloured throw as a duvet. Pale yellow light from the wintry sun spilled in through the living room window but we didn’t care. Light, colour and sound didn’t exist to us; we were far too wrapped up in each other.
I woke up with his arm draped lazily around my shoulder and my face stuck to his skin. Gently, I peeled myself away and grabbed the throw from the other couch to wrap around myself. There was a chill in the air and I decided some strong coffee was in order. I walked through the archway to the kitchen and saw all the canisters we’d knocked over the night before. It brought a smile to my face seeing all the sugar and teabags scattered everywhere. Luckily, we’d left the coffee canister alone. I scooped up some sugar from the worktop and floor and put it back in its proper place then did the same with the teabags. I put the kettle on to boil and prepared two cups. Max would probably complain it wasn’t like his fancy percolated stuff just to wind me up.
I craned my neck round the archway and watched him sleep. He was quietly snoring and drooling a bit but he looked adorable. As I looked at him, I felt a sense of completeness, like I was in the right place at the right time. Maybe it had always been meant to be me and Max but we just hadn’t realised it.
The kettle came to boil and I poured us two cups of steaming hot coffee. As I went to take Max’s through to him, something in the hall caught my eye. Something was poking out of his hoodie’s inside pocket. I put the cups on the counter and went to see what it was; it could be important after all and he might not realise he had it. I got closer and saw that it was an envelope. Probably something work-related like plans for a new menu or something.
Nothing could have prepared me for the shock of what I found. On the front of the envelope was the loopy, slanting penmanship I knew as Mr Writer’s. It was graceful and elegant, unlike Max’s usual chicken scratch that was barely legible.
Oh. My. Christ.
There was nothing else for it; I had to open the envelope. That would surely prove that I was overreacting and that this was all just a giant coincidence blown out of proportion. I ripped open the envelope and what I found was nothing short of heart-breaking.
Dear Ava,
This may be the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write but unfortunately it has to be done. I’m giving up, Ava; giving up on the letters, giving up on everything. I know how much this will hurt you – believe me, it’s killing me to write this – but as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. I’m not doing this because I don’t love you any more. If anything, I’m doing it because I love you too much and have done for far too long.
I’m stopping the letters to set you free. This is your chance to go off and have a life with someone who isn’t scared to be with you, who’ll hold your hand in public and whisper sweet things in your ear. You’ve got no idea how much I’d love to be that man Ava, but I’m not and I never will be. There will always be a part of me plagued with doubt that I’m not enough for you. Even if it’s a tiny microscopic part, it’s still always going to be there, gnawing away at me and making me draw away from you when I should be giving you everything. I’m so so sorry I’ve put you through this Ava. I promised you a fairy tale to remember and yet again, I’ve bottled it at the last minute. I know it’ll take a while, but I hope you can forgive me in time. This is the last letter I’m going to write to you. From now on, I’m going to stay away and let you live the life you deserve with no more interference from me. Starting now, I’ll content myself with my role as your best friend and put the idea that we could be anything more. I’ll be Max Burrows instead of this fictional pen-and-paper hero that I could never really be. I’m so incredibly sorry. I love you so much, you beautiful, amazing, perfect girl.
Love always
Max
My first reaction was to hold my stomach like someone had punched me. This wasn’t happening, it was all a weird, trippy dream that I’d wake up from in no time. Max wasn’t Mr Writer; that much I was sure of. It was impossible. He was my best friend, not the person who’d been writing to me for six years. I’d discounted him six years ago because, despite having kissed twice, it just didn’t make sense for Max to be the one sending me the letters. He wasn’t the type, it wouldn’t enter his head to pull off such a grand gesture. If he’d liked me he’d have just told me.
Wouldn’t he?
Yet, in my hands I was holding unequivocal evidence to say I was wrong. Not only that, it was a letter saying he was giving up on me, just like every other man in my life had. That hurt more than anything.
Max slowly stirred and opened his eyes, taking time to adjust to the light. His nose wrinkled when he noticed I wasn’t there but his eyes lit up when they fell onto me.
‘Morning.’ His just-awake voice was beautifully gruff and his face was exhausted and slightly squished but still stunning.
‘Morning,’ I managed to reply. A cavalcade of emotions worked their way through me as I looked at him. I wasn’t sure if I was angrier that he’d lied to me for so long or that he’d been about to throw it all away.
He sat up and frowned. ‘Are you OK?’
‘I will be when you explain this!’
Desperate not to cry, I stormed over to him and handed him the letter I’d just read. He briefly scanned it then screwed his eyes shut with dismay. This put paid to any chance that the letter might not be his. As if there was any doubt, I thought, he’d signed his name at the bottom!
‘Ava, I can explain –’
‘Go on then. Why don’t you tell me all about how you let me go on a wild goose chase for an admirer you knew I wouldn’t find? How about explaining why you wrote two letters saying totally contradictory things? Help me out here Max because I’m bloody confused.’
I’d never felt so conflicted in my life. Not knowing how Max really felt for me was worse than any rejection I’d faced before. The fact he might love me seemed to hurt more than Dave or any of the others definitely not loving me.