The Fifth Circle

by Tricia Drammeh

  When it was over, when he nuzzled his sweaty forehead into the hollow of my neck, when he told me how much he loved me, it was worth it. “Was it better this time?” he asked.

  “Yes,” I replied. “It’ll be better each time.” I’d come to terms with the fact that this would indeed occur on a regular basis and I was okay with it. I loved him more each time we came together. I felt a closeness I’d never experienced with anyone.

  We slept for a while and awoke to the sound of the front door opening. Rattling keys, a sigh of exhaustion, and his mother’s voice, “Sean, are you home?” sent terror straight to my heart.

  I grasped the covers tightly to my chest as Sean whispered, “Oh, shit. I don’t know if I locked my door.”

  He didn’t. His bedroom door flew open and his mother’s shocked gaze collided with mine. Her expression morphed from disbelief to resignation.

  “If her parents find out, I knew nothing about it,” she said softly. She turned away and shut the door behind her.

  “Oh, my God. I gotta get out of here,” I hissed. I’d never felt such humiliation in all my life.

  “You heard her. She’s fine with it,” Sean insisted, pulling me against him. “She just doesn’t want your parents to think she condones it. If they find out, she’ll say she had no idea.”

  “I’ll never be able to look her in the eyes again,” I whispered.

  “Seriously. She doesn’t care. She’s probably happy I have a girlfriend. She wanted me to participate in normal teenage activities, right?” he joked trying to lighten the mood. “Hey, we’re both eighteen. We’re technically adults. Adults have sex. No big deal.”

  “I just want to go home.”

  “Okay.” He kissed my forehead. “Whatever you say.”

  “Turn around,” I demanded. Getting dressed was way more uncomfortable than getting undressed. Maybe because the undressing occurred in the heat of passion. His desperation to get laid would cause him to overlook some of my more obvious flaws. The re-dressing was done under the cold, harsh light of sobriety—no lust to take the edge off my extra weight.

  “Why? I’ve already seen everything,” he reminded me, turning away to allow me to retrieve my discarded clothing. He sounded smug and victorious while making that observation.

  “Then you don’t need to see it again, do you?” I snapped, anxious to get my clothes on and get the hell out. I dressed rapidly while he pulled on a pair of rumpled jeans.

  “Please don’t leave,” he begged. “I can’t be without you all day. I won’t see you tomorrow. Stay.”

  “Your mom thinks I’m a whore. She’ll know what we’re doing in here. She’s probably expecting me to leave.” My cheeks burned at the idea of facing his mother.

  “No she’s not. Come on. We’ll go out to the kitchen and talk to her. She likes you. You’ll see.” He turned to face me, kissed me gently, and took my hand. I followed him out to the kitchen where his mother sat at the table sipping a cup of coffee. She glanced up and smiled.

  “Hi, Mom.”

  “Hi, honey. Alex, do you have big plans this weekend?” Her tone held no hint of the fact that she’d just seen me naked in bed with her son.

  “We’re having Thanksgiving at my house this year,” I said softly. “You’re going to Belleville?”

  “Yep. We’ll be back around six if you want to stop by. We can have dessert,” she offered.

  “Thanks. That sounds nice,” I said.

  Sean gave me a look that said, “I told you so.” I said my hasty goodbyes and followed Sean outside. He kissed me on his front porch and watched as I crossed the yard to go home. I thought about the long weekend ahead of me—four whole days that my dad would be home from work—and missed Sean’s house already.

  ***

  My sister came home from college to spend Thanksgiving. She was a shining example of everything I wasn’t and would never be. She had a full-ride academic scholarship to Columbia and was working on a dual major in architecture and mathematics. People said my sister and I looked a lot alike, but I knew that wasn’t true. She was beautiful and glamorous. I was a great big hulking clod. She was a size eight. I was a twelve. She had long, luxurious, dark hair. I had a tangled mane which was usually confined to a pony-tail. She drew a host of intelligent, sophisticated people. I attracted the damaged or disturbed.

  Claire didn’t want to come home for Thanksgiving. She said she was swamped with some huge project she was working on. She hadn’t come home since summer, and even then, she was hardly at home. I couldn’t blame her for staying away, but my dad threw a fit, threatening to cancel her car insurance if she didn’t show up for the big family get-together. She drove home late Thursday morning, arriving in time to eat dinner, but not in enough time to help with the preparations.

  “So, what colleges have you applied to?” Claire asked over turkey dinner. All my relatives turned to stare.

  “Um…just, you know, UMSL and Saint Louis Community College,” I stammered. I hadn’t actually applied to any college yet—those were just the two that came to mind first.

  “Community College? Oh, come on, Alex. You can do better than that. It’s time to get serious. I know it’s hard with all the other distractions. Senior year is so busy,” she reflected. “So, do you have a boyfriend this year?”

  I blushed as all eyes turned to me yet again. “Well, I, uh…”

  “She’s been hanging out with that nut-job from next door,” my father interrupted. He fixed me with an angry stare.

  “Sean?” Claire’s eyes grew wide. “Seriously?”

  “He’s my best friend,” I said, feeling defensive. Why did everyone judge him? He wasn’t a bad person. He wasn’t on drugs. He was just…different. I took my cell phone from my pocket and glanced at the time. It was four. I was supposed to see Sean at six and I didn’t want to be late.

  “Some friend. I heard about what happened,” she said as the thirst for gossip overtook her. I remained silent and looked down at my plate. “Didn’t he try to kill himself over his computer character?”

  “What?” This was from Aunt Carrie. “He tried to kill himself over what?”

  “You know those online fantasy games? When his avatar died, he tried to kill himself,” my sister explained. “He has serious mental issues and has to take a bunch of anti-depressants and stuff.”

  “That’s crazy,” Aunt Carrie said, rolling her eyes. “And this boy is your friend?” she asked, turning to me. “You’d better be careful. That’s the kind of boy who’ll be on the news one day—on top of a watchtower, shooting a bunch of college students…”

  “He isn’t dangerous,” I said. Not in the way they thought, anyway. I thought about the way he could override my will and commonsense. The way he pressed me to the bed and took my breath away with his thrusts. The way his hands could make me dizzy. Perhaps he was just a little dangerous.

  ***

  I cleaned the kitchen at lightning speed and prayed the majority of my relatives would leave quickly. A glance at the clock on the stove had my heart racing. It was five-fifty-seven. Sean would be calling me any moment. He would expect me to come over. I couldn’t bear to disappoint him, but I could hardly walk out on all my relatives to go to his house. My phone vibrated, making me jump.

  “Hey,” I sighed into the phone.

  “Hey, beautiful. We’re running late. Can you come over at seven?” he asked. I almost collapsed with relief. There was still time to clear the house.

  “Yeah. Just call me when you’re ready.”

  “Is that a one-time invitation? Cause if it’s a standing invite, I’ll be calling you all the time,” he laughed. It was really good to hear him laugh like that. He sounded so normal—almost like a real boyfriend.

  “Let’s just say it’s on a case-by-case basis,” I replied. “Are you having fun?”

  “No.”

  “Me neither.” I lowered my voice to a near whisper. “I miss you.”

  “I miss you too. How long will your pare
nts let you stay over? Maybe my mom will do us a favor and go to bed early,” he said hopefully.

  I hadn’t said anything to my parents about going over there, so I had no idea how long they’d let me stay. Curfew had never been an issue because I rarely went anywhere. And though I was technically an adult, I was a high school student who lived at home and I was expected to abide by my parents’ wishes—or face my dad’s wrath.

  It was just after seven when Sean called me. All my relatives had finally gone home. Claire had long since left to hang out with friends, and my parents were in the living room watching TV.

  “Hey, I’m just gonna pop over next door real quick. I’ll be back in a little while. I’ll have my phone.”

  My father barely looked at me when he asked, “Why?”

  “His mother invited me over to have some pie and coffee,” I replied, fighting back the urge to beg.

  “Be home by ten,” he said through gritted teeth. I guessed he could find nothing sinister or dangerous about coffee and dessert.

  I skipped out the front door and across the yard to Sean’s house. He met me on the porch and kissed me before leading me inside.

  “Alex is here,” he called out.

  “Hi, honey,” his mother said, greeting me like a long lost daughter-in-law.

  “Hi, Mrs. Droste,” I murmured, afraid to meet her eye.

  “You can call me Susan.”

  I took a seat at the kitchen table and sipped the hot cocoa she placed in front of me. We chatted while she planned her Black Friday shopping extravaganza. Within a half-hour, she pleaded exhaustion and went to bed.

  “Good night, you two. I have to get up at four tomorrow if I’m going to get any good deals. Wish me luck.”

  Sean and I looked at each other across the kitchen table. Without a word, he rose from his seat and motioned for me to follow him. I shivered in anticipation. It was time. This time, he locked his bedroom door. This time I was ready. This time it was like magic.

  I liked the feeling of being taken. I never really had to do anything—just waited for him to take the lead. The first couple of times we’d been together, I’d cowered away from him until he seduced me with his kisses. Then, he took off my clothes a little at a time. When he was ready, he eased on top of me and took his pleasure. I liked being held. The sex was just something I had to endure to achieve the intimacy I craved.

  This time, it was different. I was more relaxed when he kissed me, so I kissed him back. I moaned when he sucked my nipple, and this seemed to excite him. For the first time, I touched his hardness and he gasped. He stroked me with increased fervor. I could feel a sort of building up deep inside me and this time, I didn’t want him to stop. When he pulled his hand away, I grabbed it and put it back where it was.

  “Like this?” he whispered.

  “Yes. Oh, God. I…” My body exploded at his touch and I gripped his shoulders tightly. It was the first time I’d ever let myself go.

  With pleasure came shame, but at last I could understand why people actually wanted to do this. Though I hated myself for enjoying something so depraved and vile, I loved the fact that my enjoyment made Sean feel like a king. He wasn’t the first to take my body, but at least he was the first to make me want to do it again.

  Chapter 6- Sean

  New torments I behold, and new tormented

  Around me, whichever way I move

  (Canto VI, lines 4 & 5)

  Even the first time, when neither of us knew what we were doing, when Alex was breathless with anxiety, I couldn’t imagine sex being any better. But she was right—it got better each time. When I took her to my bedroom, I shut the door, locked it, and prepared to seduce her. It was part of the routine, or so I believed. She was shy and it took a lot of effort to relax her.

  This time, her eyes were dark and fathomless with desire. I undressed her rapidly, and she didn’t shy away. I reached out to touch her breasts and watched as her nipples hardened at my touch. Alex unfastened my pants and ran her hands across my arousal. It was the first time she’d ever touched me there. It was the first time she’d ever taken the lead in anything. She kissed me desperately, and I came undone. I touched her until she trembled, and when I moved my hand from between her legs, she grabbed it and put it back. When I heard her pleasured cries, I felt like a man. Only a man could make his woman moan and beg for release.

  When her knees shook with unrestrained ecstasy, I knew true power. When she threw her head back and gasped my name, my confidence surged. She snuggled in my arms afterwards and it was the first time I’d ever felt strong. I was wrong when I’d thought she’d given herself to me that first time. She didn’t give, she let me take. Tonight, she gave.

  But when it was over and she plucked her clothing off my bedroom floor, she cloaked herself in her customary shroud of shame. Fear clouded her eyes as she glanced at her phone and realized how late it was. With trembling hands, she zipped her jacket and raced down the hallway toward my front door.

  As I kissed her goodbye and murmured words of love in her ear, I prayed she wouldn’t be in trouble. I prayed her father wouldn’t smell the scent of sex upon her. I vowed to defend her with my life if I had to. She was mine now and no one would ever touch her again.

  I couldn’t bear to lose her, but as I watched the sway of her hips as she walked briskly across my front yard, I feared it would only be a matter of time before the other guys saw what I had uncovered. Alex was a beautiful girl—a woman. With her thick chestnut hair and voluptuous body, men wouldn’t be able to resist her.

  On Monday, I watched Alex as closely as I could. Maybe I could prevent other guys from noticing her if I was vigilant. Maybe I could keep her from noticing other guys if I diverted her attention. We didn’t have any classes together which meant there were hours and hours where I wouldn’t be able to keep my eye on her. I walked her to her first period class and burned with jealousy every time a guy glanced her way.

  My fear of losing her prevented me from concentrating on any of my classes. I couldn’t even focus on OwlBane strategy. All I could think about was my eventual reunion with Alex during lunch. By the time I made my way to the cafeteria and our usual table, I felt isolated and depressed. A crushing weight of unhappiness descended on me as I thought about Stryder and everything I’d lost. Nothing good ever stayed. Everyone I’d ever cared about left me behind. Soon, I would lose Alex, the only woman I could ever love, the only one who mattered.

  “Stryder.” Darren smirked at me from halfway across the cafeteria. The whole school watched, their eyes glassy with bloodlust, waiting for the main event. Alex hesitated for a second at the periphery of my vision, then bravely ventured forth. I hated that my nemesis would make a spectacle of me in front of my girlfriend.

  “Sean.” Her clear voice rang out and Darren stopped in his tracks to watch her approach. In an instant, she stood beside me and although her face was bright red and her body trembled, she sat down next to me and held my hand. Shock lit up the faces of my peers. Darren retreated, probably to reassess the situation and concoct a list of new insults. I stared in wonder at the girl who saved me from certain humiliation. Alex was beautiful. She held my hand in front of the whole school. And, she was mine.

  ***

  Everything was different three hours later when we met in the parking lot. She seemed embarrassed and uncomfortable. Maybe she regretted outing our relationship. Maybe she was ready to dump me. She barely glanced at me when she climbed into the truck.

  We pulled into the driveway and she followed me to my house, but I could sense her reluctance to come inside. I fed her and took her to my bedroom. When I reached for her, she stopped me.

  “I can’t,” she said.

  “Okay. What’s wrong?” I would never force her, but I could probably talk her into it.

  “It’s that time,” she said.

  “Time for what?”

  “It’s that time of the month. You know,” she said avoiding eye contact.

  �
��Oh. Oh! Well, that’s okay then. We’ll just talk or whatever,” I said. We stared at each other for a moment. Despite all our years of friendship, we had nothing to say to each other. Sex had taken over.

  “So, what do you want to do?” she asked. “You want to watch TV?”

  I hated TV and she knew that. We sat in near silence for five minutes, unable to think of anything to say.

  “This is stupid, Alex. What did we always do before? We’ve been friends for twelve years. Say something.”

  “Monopoly,” she said.

  I burst out laughing. When we were growing up, that’s all we ever did. We played board games every day after school. Monopoly was our first great escape—a world where we were rich and could wield our powers to buy and sell property, evict deadbeats from our hotels, and collect two-hundred dollars for passing go.

  “Okay. Monopoly it is,” I agreed, kissing her. We sat at the kitchen table and played our favorite childhood game until my mom came home. She seemed bewildered to find us in the throes of dice-tossing passion.

  “Hi, Mom. What’s for dinner?”

  “Sean,” Alex said. “Your mom’s been at work all day. Don’t you know how to cook?”

  “No,” I said.

  “Hey, Mrs. Droste…Susan. Sean and I can make dinner if you want us to. My parents are going out tonight, so I don’t have to make dinner at home.”

  My mother looked like Christmas had come early. I felt guilty for being such a lazy drain on her finances. After all, I was eighteen and had never worked a day in my life. I began to worry. I had nothing to offer someone like Alex—nothing to offer anybody.

  Together, Alex and I made dinner. She chopped vegetables while I browned ground beef. Occasionally, our hands brushed. Cooking had never seemed so appealing. I wanted to perform such domestic tasks with her the rest of my life. I wanted to marry her, but it was probably too soon to bring up the subject.

  I laughed with Alex and my mom over dinner. Alex seemed relaxed in my house, like she belonged there. I never wanted her to leave. Though I enjoyed our time together, my body felt tense from the pent-up sexual energy which I had been unable to release. I wondered how long her time of the month would last.