Finding Emma

by K. Ryan

  Before I had a chance to change my mind, that familiar voice with its soft Latina lilt sang into the phone: “Well, hola, Tia Emmie. I was wonderin’ if I’d hear from you this week. How you been? Wait a minute, wait a minute...it’s Friday. What time is it? Oh shit, you’re not working today? Really? Finally?”

  I rolled my eyes at the greeting; as usual, my sister-in-law talked so fast I’d be lucky to get two words in before Cristina sniffed out the real reason I’d called.

  “Hey, Cris,” I laughed and shook my head. “Wow. Yes, it’s Friday. How are you feeling?”

  “Oh, you know, like a fat whale, but I’m just trying to enjoy it and get as much as sleep as I can. How’s that little kitty doing? I can’t wait to finally meet him. You’re gonna send me some pictures, right?”

  “I will,” I laughed again. I’d missed this...we used to talk all the time, but, in my self-imposed exile, I’d put distance between us, just like I did with Noah. Now, I was starting to see just how unnecessary that distance was. “Look, I don’t have a ton of time to talk; actually, I have like 10 minutes tops—”

  “You okay, Em?” Cristina cut in abruptly. “You sound weird. And nervous. What’s goin’ on?”

  “Wow,” I huffed out another laugh. “Gimme a second, okay? Alright. So, I’m having....”

  Oh shit. How did I explain this?

  “Having....? What? A heart attack? An aneurysm? Oh God, are you pregnant? What’s goin’ on with you, Em?”

  “Jesus, settle down, Cris. I’m fine. Okay? I’m fine,” I blew out a deep breath and decided to just come out with it. “I’m sort of having a guy—a friend—over in about, crap, 20 minutes and I need you to tell me what to wear.”

  There was a long pause from the other end of the line and finally, Cristina let out a clipped, albeit relieved, chuckle.

  “Oh, thank God,” she sighed.

  Here it comes, I thought ruefully, the Puerto Rican Inquisition.

  “Okay,” Cris pressed on. “So, lemme get this straight: this guy—sorry, friend—is coming over to your apartment. Who is this guy? Where did you meet him? Why haven’t I heard about him before? Why didn’t you tell me you were seein’ somebody?”

  “Sorry, Cris,” I shrugged, even though I knew she couldn’t see me. “Don’t really have time for that right this second, but I promise I’ll call you tomorrow and give you the details, okay?”

  Okay, so maybe I’d stall for as long as I could on that last part, but she didn’t need to know that right now.

  “Fine. So, where is this mystery friend takin’ you, hmm?”

  Seeing as how that seemed to appease her for the time being, I pressed on. “He’s coming over to my apartment. It’s just pizza.”

  “What do you mean it’s just—you know what? Never mind. Okay. So is this your first date?”

  “It’s not a date, Cris,” I cut in a little too sharply. “He’s my neighbor.”

  “Sure,” Cristina chuckled over the line. “Keep telling yourself that. This neighbor obviously knows a good thing when he sees it. Anyway, just wear something comfortable. A nice, tight pair of jeans. Show off your assets without giving away too much, ya know? And I think you should wear that long black tank top, you know the one with that stitching on the front pocket? And that silver necklace we gave you for Christmas last year. You’ll look put together, but not dressed up, ya know?”

  Mentally clicking the outfit into place, I nodded into the phone. “Yeah, you’re right. I think that’ll work.”

  God, that was easy. Way too easy. I’d spent too much time wringing my hands over something my no-nonsense sister-in-law had solved in half a second. If anything, this whole debacle just shined a nasty light on how rusty I was about all this.

  The last time I’d ‘hung out’ with a guy I just met was seven years ago. Only that time I’d invited, unbeknownst to me, the asshole who would eventually set my life on fire. If only I knew then what I knew now, I would’ve slammed the door right in his face or maybe pawned him off on my psycho roommate. In retrospect, they would’ve been absolutely perfect for each other.

  “Look, Em,” Cristina was saying now, her voice losing the playful edge from before and now, seeped with a sincerity that scared me a little. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t wanna tell me about this...friend. I know you’ll tell me when you’re ready to give me some dirt, but just have a good time today, alright? Have some freaking fun. Let loose and just enjoy it. You deserve it.”

  At this point, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. If anything, this was all one big, fat reminder of the current status of my life, where one guy—scratch that, one friend—taking pity on me and actually wanting to hang out with me was an event with a capital E, where I stood in front of my closet for more time than I was willing to admit, where I stressed over something as simple as a stupid outfit. This was the state of my life now and maybe it was about time I made peace with it.

  “Okay,” I replied finally, trying to infuse as much confidence into my voice as possible, even if I didn’t really feel it. “I will. You’re right. This is my first full day off in a really long time and you’re right—I need to have some fun for once.”

  “So, go out, have fun, and don’t worry about anything else, okay?”

  “Yeah, I will, Cris,” I told her, this time feeling the confidence I’d attempted to feign before. “Can you do me a favor and just...don’t say anything about this to Noah?”

  The short pause on the other end had me jumping into damage control.

  “I just know exactly what’s going to happen if you turn around and tell him that I’m seeing my neighbor today. He’s gonna be blowing up my phone every hour on the hour, hell, probably every half hour, and that’s exactly the kinda thing that’s gonna ruin my day, Cris.”

  The reality was that I just wanted to keep whatever this was with Finn untainted for as long as I possibly could.

  Cristina sighed like she could hear my thoughts and blew out a deep breath. “Alright. Whatever you want, Em. I won’t say a word unless you tell me to.”

  “I just don’t wanna make a bigger deal out of this than I already am, okay?”

  “Alright, I hear ya. Oh, you don’t have much time now. You’d better get going, but just tell me one thing…” Cristina’s voice dropped into a half-whisper. “On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being butt-ass fugly and 10 being Calvin Klein underwear model hot...how hot is he?”

  I barked out a quick laugh, but when I glanced at the digital clock on my nightstand one more time, my eyes widened. Time to wrap this shit up and get on it with already.

  “Uh,” I laughed into the phone and shook my head, shimmying into a pair of tight jeans as I spoke. How did I even begin to classify the unassuming masculinity Finn exuded, that sexy, but shy crooked grin, the way he could make me feel safe yet frazzled all at the same time, the way he tugged a hand through his unkempt russet-colored hair and shoved both hands in his pockets when he got nervous, the way his whole face seemed to light up every time I took a step towards him…

  So, I went with the easy answer: “I’d say he’s a 12.”

  “Shit!” Cristina howled from the other end. “Well, when you put it like that, maybe we need to rethink our definition of fun, huh?”

  “I wouldn’t go that…” the sudden knock on my front door gave me such a jolt I nearly dropped the phone. “Oh shit! Cris, he’s here. What...he’s 10 minutes early! And I’m standing here in skinny jeans and my bra! Shit!”

  “I don’t know,” Cristina laughed. “Maybe that’d be a good way to break the ice, ya know? Maybe you should—”

  “Can it, Cris. I’ll call you later, okay? Bye!” I didn’t even give my sister-in-law the opportunity to respond and promptly swiped across the screen to end the call, tossing my phone haphazardly on the bed to turn back to my closet.

  After frantically attacking my closet in search of the black tank top Cristina had instructed me to wear, I tugged it over my head, cast a quick glance in
the mirror to tame my long waves and tousle my bangs, and practically tripped over my feet all the way from my closet to the front door.

  By the time I threw the door open, I was out of breath, my nerves a tangled mess at my feet. And now, met with smiling sky-blue eyes and a devastatingly crooked smile, my heart melted into a puddle right next to my knotted nerves.

  “Hey, Em,” Finn greeted me, that grin curving up both sides of his lips now and all rational thought left the building. How the hell was I supposed to get a handle on this when all it took was one look, one smile and I was a sputtering, frazzled mess?

  “Hi, Finn,” I finally replied, wincing a little as soon as the words left my mouth at how breathless I sounded.

  We stood in my threshold like that for a few moments, with Finn lingering near the hallway, waiting to be invited in and my fingers gripping the edge of the front door because once my brain short-circuited, I didn’t know what else to do.

  When I felt the tell-tale light brush of fur against my jeans, I couldn’t have been more grateful that my cat seemed to be overly curious about what was happening. In fact, he was already heading right towards Finn with those little purrumbles like he was saying, Oh hey. I remember you.

  It was the excuse I needed to break this spell and that sent me rushing forward to scoop Oliver up in my arms before he could venture out into the doorway much further.

  “Careful there, you little RB,” I murmured and then looked up to find Finn watching the two of us with a bemused grin sliding up his lips.

  “You look nice,” he told me, gesturing to the outfit he didn’t need to know I’d inappropriately agonized over.

  “Thanks,” I grinned.

  I was painfully aware of how overeager I sounded right now, but there wasn’t much I could do about it. The Browning Adonis had arrived. All mental functioning was shot now.

  He just winked back at me and as he took a few unsteady steps to the middle of my kitchen, I found myself running an anxious hand through my hair, watching Finn survey my little cardboard box of an apartment.

  “So you cleaned up a little, huh?” he cast me a knowing glance from over his shoulder.

  “Don’t worry,” I shook my head, gesturing into the open air between us. “This isn’t for you. You saw this place before. It looked like a tornado ripped through here.”

  “Nah,” he just batted a hand. “It wasn’t that bad. You’ve obviously never seen my place after a game day.”

  I could only imagine...and then I realized I still wasn’t completely ready. Ugh. This was just pizza. That was it. And here I was, over-analyzing and freaking out over nothing more than a shared pizza between neighbors.

  “Um, I just, uh...still need a few minutes,” I told him sheepishly, already feeling a slight flush creep across my cheeks in embarrassment. “I was on the phone with my sister-in-law before and I wasn’t—”

  “I know,” Finn cut in with that sexy, sly grin that threatened to buckle my knees. “I’m early. Sorry about that. I just...well, I guess I just didn’t wanna wait another 10 minutes, you know?”

  And with those words, all the doubt lingering over what this was, my own hang-ups, Finn’s intentions…everything…it all just slipped away.

  “So, take your time,” Finn went on, leaning an arm against the dividing wall between my kitchen and my living room. “I can wait.”

  There was something about the way one side of his lips rolled into a soft curl that told me those words might have a deeper meaning. If I stood there for too long, I had a sinking feeling I might do or say something I’d kick myself for later, so I gladly took the out he’d given me and retreated to the bathroom to put the finishing touches on my hair and my makeup.

  Now, as I stood in front of the mirror with a tube of mascara in my hand and Finn Matthews waiting in my kitchen, I couldn’t help but feel like a complete idiot. There was a kind, generous, patient, funny, and devastatingly handsome man in my apartment and here I was, locked in the bathroom because I didn’t know what else to do. Because I was nervous. Because I was scared.

  This was beyond stupid.

  Laughing to myself, I swiped another layer of mascara on, passed a brush through my long, caramel-colored waves, tousled my bangs, spritzed a dab of perfume on just for good measure, and took one more glance in the mirror. There was a man out there I wanted to spend time with and I was just getting in my own way. Cristina’s words of encouragement echoed in my ears, but it was more than just that.

  In spite of the short time I’d known him, and in spite of the sudden frenzied feelings of chaos he inspired in me, there was also an inexplicable aura of calm around him, too. Acceptance, even. Like nothing I’d done before meeting him, no place I’d been, and no ugly, pain-leaden past following me from Hickory really mattered all that much to him.

  I could do and say anything in front of him, embarrass or lay myself bare, and he wouldn’t care. It was as if the past didn’t exist and with him, there was only now. It was as if he’d judged me from the moment we met, but hadn’t found me wanting...hadn’t tried to push me into anything I wasn’t ready for. He’d given me space, followed my lead, but shown me a different path at the same time. A new possibility. A new chance.

  There was a safety in Finn Matthews’s presence I never thought I’d ever feel again.

  It was liberation. It was a rediscovery. It was a door opening. It was that elusive second chance I’d been chasing since the moment I left my hometown without looking back. It was the possibility, the real, honest-to-goodness possibility, that everything might be okay now.

  I glanced back at my reflection again and shook my head, a mirthless laugh escaping my lips. Turning this into something it wasn’t would only end up hurting myself in the long run. And while the idea that redemption, forgiveness, and second chances were irrevocably intertwined with a man, especially a man I barely knew, flew directly in the face of being the independent woman I’d once prided myself on being, maybe that was something I could live with.

  That last thought was enough to propel me from the bathroom and back towards my poor excuse for a living room and I found Finn leaning against the wall with Oliver tucked under his arm and his free hand scratching underneath my cat’s chin.

  Something clicked into place for me then and the time for second-guessing and overanalyzing was over. My feet padded over to him and the sight of that bright smile curling into his handsome face, the smile that was all for me, only spurred me towards him. Just as he pushed off the wall and turned to face me, my hands slid over both his cheeks to bring in him closer and then I pressed my lips against his mouth.

  It only lasted for a moment, but when I pulled back, Oliver abruptly dropped to the carpet. Finn’s lips curved and his free arm snaked around my waist to pull me in as close to his chest as possible as his head dipped lower to capture my lips.

  This time he didn’t let me pull back so easily. This time his lips parted, sealing his mouth over mine, taking the control and pressing me even deeper into his chest. My hands trailed down his cheeks to his neck, finally resting over the hard, sinewy muscles over his worn T-shirt.

  His lips continued their ministrations and my feet lifted up onto my toes, Finn pulling me along with him as he leaned back. Then, he settled me back onto my feet, placing sweet, feather-light kisses against my lips and the hand around my waist drifted a little further down, curving down the side of my hip.

  That was a little more than I felt ready for and when I pulled back just enough, Finn didn’t miss a beat, sliding his hand back up to its original resting place.

  “Sorry,” he murmured against my lips.

  I laughed and he quickly caught it with his mouth.

  “It’s okay,” I managed to get out in between kisses with another laugh.

  There was something about how careful he was being with me that told me pulling back and pumping the brakes was absolutely fine with him. No pressure and no need to rush something that just felt so good.

  Finn�
��s rough fingers squeezed my shoulders and I shivered a little under the light touch. His lips brushed my forehead, moving to the side of my head.

  “Damn, you smell good,” he murmured. His nose dipped into my neck, running along my skin and sending another round of shivers ricocheting down my body. Almost as suddenly, his head lifted and he leaned away, taking a full step behind him to literally hold me at arm’s length.

  “Sorry, Em,” Finn exhaled. A beat later, he leaned forward again to kiss me, pulling me right back against him and catching my laugh yet again with his mouth.

  My hands skimmed over his shoulders and around his back, reveling in the feel of him under my touch and Finn abruptly pulled his mouth away to rest our foreheads together.

  “Sorry,” he muttered. “I guess I just can’t help myself.”

  “You don’t have to stop, you know,” I told him.

  Finn blew out a deep, tortured breath and lifted the hand from my shoulder up to my cheek. “No, I really do. Trust me. I mean, I just got here, you know? Our date hasn’t even really started and here I am, mauling you up against a wall. That’s not really how I saw this playing out today, Em.”

  Everything he’d just said swum around in my brain as I tried to pin down one thing to focus on. It was all just so...sweet. Finally, I found something to zero in on.

  “So,” I cocked a playful eyebrow at him as I wrapped an arm around his neck. “This is a date, huh?”

  He frowned down at me. “What did you think this was?”

  “I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I thought we were...hanging out?”

  Finn’s eyebrows rose. “Hanging out? No. I’m sorry if you’re confused, Em, but lemme clear this up for you. This,” he gestured between us as he spoke, “is a date.”

  “Oh,” I leaned forward to peck him on the lips and it felt like we’d been doing this forever. “Okay. Thanks for clearing that up. Should we still order that pizza?”

  A wide grin spread across his face as his eyes shone down at me. “Absolutely, Em. We’ve got all the time in the world today, don’t we?”