Finding Emma

by K. Ryan

  “I couldn’t prove that they were actually taken on my phone because, of course, I didn’t have the phone anymore. Justin was the only one who actually had the copies on his computer and by that point, he’d deleted them from his hard drive so that was that. I sent letters and I don’t even know how many emails to all the porn sites that still had my pictures up begging them to take them down—some of them did, some of them didn’t. Freedom of speech, right? Anyway, if I’d been able to copyright the pictures, I would’ve been able to take action against the kids who downloaded and reposted the pictures, but other than to ask the school to take action, there wasn’t much else I could do about that part of it because, well...freedom of speech. There was nothing the union could do to help me because, well, there isn’t much of a union left anymore. I barely had enough money to pay to get those pictures taken down, let alone even think about hiring a lawyer. At some point, it just sorta took on a life of its own and I didn’t know how to stop it.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing—it sounded like her and her brother took all the steps that needed to be taken in order to get those pictures taken down at the time, but now, the current ‘owners’ of those pictures were probably a pack of horny, infantile high school kids who thought they were the shit because they had naked pictures of their former history teacher.

  “And the school—they just did nothing?”

  “The only kids they could really discipline, if that’s what you want to call it, were the ones that were stupid enough to comment and share the pictures at school for violating the school’s internet use policy. But for everyone else, the ones who weren’t using the school’s network, there wasn’t much they could do other than to ask them to delete whatever they’d posted, whether it was a comment, a picture, or a meme. Nothing like this has ever happened there before, so they didn’t really have any protocol for what to do. Besides, it wasn’t exactly a surprise—a few years ago, a student tweeted a picture of a guidance counselor with just the n-word next to the picture. Just that one ugly, terrible word, you know? All the school was able to do was ask him to delete it, which he didn’t, and as far as I know, his parents touted the freedom of speech argument just as much as he did. I doubt that kid ever deleted the tweet, too.”

  That was the biggest pile of bullshit I’d ever heard. Who in their right mind would ever think it was actually acceptable to allow fucking teenagers to run wild with something like this? Hiding behind freedom of speech—it was just an excuse.

  “You have to understand, Finn, Hickory is a really small town. Everything about it is small—the population, the stores, the school district, the church, the ideas. I think the teachers, principals, and school board were just as scandalized by it as everyone else.”

  “I honestly don’t give a shit, Emma,” I shook my head. “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.”

  “Finn,” she sighed, but I just lifted up both hands against the countertop and sawed down on my bottom lip.

  I couldn’t sit here and listen to her make excuses for these people anymore. I didn’t care how small their town or their minds were—this was the 21st century. People had sex. People enjoyed sex. Sometimes, people even took pictures of themselves having sex. Big deal. Did these people in Hickory have their heads buried in the sand or something? Jesus, next she was going to tell me they’d outlawed dancing and that the kids weren’t allowed to hold hands until they were engaged or some shit like that, too.

  With that thought, I snapped her computer back open and tilted it so we both had a good view of those pictures. “Emma. Look at me.”

  Her shining eyes lifted up, brimming with fresh tears and just a hint of fear that broke my heart. Maybe she didn’t expect me to walk away from her completely now, but it was like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop, too—waiting for something to fracture between us.

  “Em,” I jerked an index finger at the screen. “The people who downloaded these pictures and kept them up on the internet—they’re cunts. I don’t care who they are, where they’re from, or how old they are. They’re the lowest scum of the earth. They’re selfish, immature hypocrites, and what did you say? It should only be said when someone is a complete, no-holds-barred, insensitive, and all-around asshole douchebag. It might be the worst word ever, but what they did is just as bad if not worse. And what does that make them, Emma?”

  I waited as her mouth curled up ever so slightly. She nodded.

  “Cunts,” she whispered.

  “Good,” I told her with a tight nod. “I told you I’d get you to say it, didn’t I?”

  Somehow, she still managed to huff out a laugh even as I pulled her into my arms. She leaned into me and I gladly beared the brunt of her weight, holding her close and kissing the side of her head as wetness pooled into my shoulder. My fingertips lifted to her caramel-colored hair and swept her bangs out of her eyes.

  “Being back there just brought everything back,” she murmured into my shoulder. “I felt like I was reliving it all over again. I couldn’t even make it all the way back into town without having to pull over and dry-heave over the side of the road.”

  “I’m sorry, Em,” I smoothed her hair down and pressed my lips into her temple. “I wish you’d told me sooner. I would’ve went with you yesterday.”

  “It’s okay. I wasn’t ready anyway and it was just so much harder than I thought it would be. I hadn’t been back there in months and yet, the second I passed that welcome sign, it was like all the walls were closing in on me again. And...I saw my mom. Well, it was an accident that we ran into each other. She purposefully left the hospital before I got there so she wouldn’t have to see me, but she didn’t even think about me long enough to consider the fact that I would have nowhere else to stay in town except for Noah and Cristina’s.”

  “I’m so sorry, Em.”

  She blew out a heavy breath and pressed her cheek deeper into my shoulder. “We don’t talk. I’m sure you figured that out already.”

  I nodded into her hair. I’d figured as much when she’d been open about her dad the night of our first date, but hadn’t said a word about her mom. The only reason I knew her mom was even still around was because her brother mentioned her in passing when we’d spoken on the phone last night.

  “I think that out of all the people who hated me, were disgusted with me, and were disappointed in me...she was the worst. She wouldn’t speak to me for days after it happened...wouldn’t even look at me when Noah sat us all down to try to come up with a plan. I guess in order to really get it, you have to understand that my mom is probably the most religious person I know. She’s the person sitting in the front pew every Sunday so everyone can see her, she’s the one running the Bible studies and vacation Bible school in the summer, she’s the one organizing the events and fundraisers so she’s front and center of everything. When my dad died, she just sort of threw herself into her church because I think that was the only way she was able to really deal with it.”

  The way she said her church—her mom’s church—instead of our church wasn’t lost on me, but I’d be an idiot right now to interrupt her. She was purging and I had to let her do it.

  “Right away, it was what will the congregation think? and How am I supposed to show my face at church on Sunday when everyone knows my daughter’s a whore? and People think you had an abortion, Emma! An abortion! How am I supposed to look our pastor in the eye?”

  “Whoa,” I pulled her head back from my shoulder so I could get a good look at her. “Wait a minute, did she actually say all that? To your face?”

  “Pretty much.”

  Jesus Christ. No wonder she’d run away. No wonder she’d felt like she couldn’t stay. Of all the wolves that descended on Emma to rip her apart, her mom’s teeth were the sharpest.

  “I think she was happy when I left last year because that just makes it easier for her to pretend I don’t exist.”

  All I could do was tug her tight against my chest and tangle my hands in her h
air. At this point, it was for me as much as it was for her—I needed to touch her so she would know I was there and so I would know she wasn’t running away from me.

  “I’m pretty sure her exact words to me were that she couldn’t believe any child of hers would participate in something as immoral as pornography. She said I’d debased myself and that I’d brought everything on myself by taking those pictures in the first place.”

  Words failed me and I squeezed her shoulders, trying to convey everything I needed to say to her in my touch. I just couldn’t find the words to properly articulate how I felt about this monster—Emma’s mom. That’s what she was. A hypocritical, judgmental, cold, and insensitive monster.

  She unearthed her face from my chest and looked at me. “Isn’t it ironic that the people who throw the first stones are the ones who are supposed to be the most compassionate? The most forgiving and the most understanding?”

  My thoughts exactly and I was glad she’d been the one to come to that conclusion herself, instead of through me. I tucked some stray hair behind her ear and leaned forward to press my lips into hers.

  “There’s something else, too,” she swallowed tightly and looked down at her feet. “Noah’s really worried about homecoming in a few weeks. And, I guess, considering what happened last year, he has every right to be.”

  I frowned back at her and ran my thumb over her cheek. “What happened last year?”

  Emma pushed out a heavy sigh. “The senior class wrote me into their senior skit. It’s…it’s not worth saying anything else about, but Noah’s worried something like that is gonna happen again.”

  If I didn’t already have my hands around her face, my fingers would’ve curled into a tight, white-knuckled fist.

  “I wish there was something I could say or do that would make this better for you, Em,” I whispered to her as I brushed some of her bangs out of her eyes.

  “You’re doing it, Finn. You really are.”

  “What made you decide you were ready to talk about this?” I murmured as both my hands closed around her cheeks.

  Emma squeezed her eyes shut and took in a deep breath before finally opening those beautiful green-blues back up again. “I want to be with you, Finn, and that means I can’t keep anything from you either. I wanted you to know.”

  I swallowed hard and let my thumb rub soothingly into her cheek. “I want to be with you, too, Em. None of this matters to me. You know that, right?”

  Her eyes slammed down to my chest, but my hands lifted her chin back up so I could look her in the eye.

  “Emma, I don’t care about any of this. Well, I care. Trust me, if I could hunt down that asshole and every single one of those little shits and beat them to within an inch of their life, I would.”

  She winced and bit down on her bottom lip. “Don’t say that. Please don’t say that. I don’t want you to ever do anything that would—”

  “If someone disrespects you, I’m not gonna stand by and let anyone walk all over you if I can help it.”

  That was a warning as much as it was a promise. If push came to shove, I wouldn’t hesitate to do exactly what her brother did and then some. She was worth it. Absolutely worth it.

  “Em,” I pushed on. “What I’m trying to say is that what you showed me on that Google search tonight doesn’t change the way I feel about you. Besides, you weren’t the one that did anything wrong. Everyone else? They’re the ones who have something to answer for, not you. All you did was take some hot as shit pictures for your boyfriend when you were 19. That’s not wrong, Em. All you did was trust the wrong person with them and even then...what he did to you wasn’t your fault. Please tell me you know that.”

  She nodded quickly, but I didn’t believe her. I’m pretty sure she didn’t even believe herself.

  “So…” she chewed on the inside of her cheek a little. “We’re really doing this? We’re going to be together?”

  “Emma,” I laughed. “We’ve been together this whole time. The only one who didn’t see that was you.”

  “Okay,” she lifted her eyes to the ceiling and then eyed me carefully. “So, I have a question for you. And I think I already know the answer, but I’m going to ask it anyway.”

  “Go.”

  “Will you stay tonight?”

  I sucked in a hard breath. This was the question I’d been hoping for, but never wanted to push for...and now that it was finally out there, there was no way I could deny her.

  “Of course I’ll stay.”

  Her eyes grew rounder and I pressed a quick kiss into her lips.

  “We’ll take it one step at a time, okay, Em? Me staying over tonight just means we’ll be sleeping in the same bed. That’s as far as it has to go. Whatever you want, whatever you need, Em—we’ll go at your pace.”

  Her lips curled up into the happiest, most beautiful smile I’d ever seen and I almost said it. The words almost left my lips, but I stopped them right in their path. Too soon. Even though I felt them, it was just too soon. One step at a time...I just had to make myself remember that.

  . . .

  I rummaged around my messy room for something I could sleep in tonight and ignored Sling’s presence lingering in my doorway. It was my own fault—I should’ve shut my door and locked it behind me, but it was a little late for that now.

  “So,” he tossed out lightly and right about now, I was really glad his overnight guest, AKA Emma’s co-worker, was currently using our bathroom and wouldn’t hear this conversation. “I take it you’ll be spending the night elsewhere again?”

  I didn’t even spare him a glance as I lifted up a pile of clothes. “Yep.”

  Slinger rubbed his hands together and shook his shoulders to the music only he could hear. “Yes! I knew it! Ah...I figured it wouldn’t take long. You know what? I have a present for you, bro. Just hold on, okay?”

  He disappeared from my doorway and I took that opportunity to step out of my jeans to slide some mesh shorts over my hips. I was already eyeing my laptop when Sling materialized in my doorway again and tossed me a long sleeve of Trojans.

  “Jesus, Sling! What the hell?” I flung the condoms onto my bed angrily.

  “What?” he frowned back at me. “You’re sleeping at her place tonight again, aren’t you? And she’s back now, isn’t she? You need those, Finnegan. Trust me. And you can thank me later when those come in handy for you tonight.”

  I rolled my eyes up to the ceiling. “We’re not gonna go there tonight.”

  Disappointment dimmed in his eyes and I couldn’t help but laugh. “Aw...shit. That sucks. Here I thought you were finally gonna get laid. I was so happy. Really, I was. What’s goin’ on? She lay down the law with you just now or what?”

  “No,” I shook my head. “I’m not gonna let it go that far tonight even if she wants to.”

  Sling gaped at me like I’d just told him Brett Favre was coming out of retirement. Again. “Wha…?”

  “Don’t ask.”

  “So…”

  “We’re taking things slow,” I shrugged. “That’s all I’m gonna tell you.”

  No way I would betray Emma’s confidence, especially given the magnitude of what that confidence was. Sling would just have to deal with it because he wasn’t getting anything from me.

  His shoulders slumped in defeat. “Well, will you just take one? Better to be safe than sorry I always say. And, between me and you, Emma doesn’t really seem like the type of girl that’s got condoms just lying around, you know?”

  I smiled ruefully. If Slinger knew the details of the conversation I’d had with Emma tonight, I really hoped he’d still feel the same way. I still felt the same way. If anything, it just made the feelings I already had sink that much deeper and my protectiveness that much fiercer.

  Still, I figured it was better to appease Sling and, like he said, it was probably better to be safe than sorry. Maybe, if I was prepared, I wouldn’t need it anyway. And...I think that was the first time in my entire life where I hoped
I wouldn’t need a condom.

  “Alright, alright,” I held a hand up in the air and promptly ripped the top foil packet off so I could tuck it into my wallet.

  “You’re gonna get something tonight though, right? Please tell me this isn’t one of those platonic sleepover things where she’s scared of the dark or some stupid girl shit like that.”

  “No, no,” I laughed. “I wouldn’t exactly call it a platonic sleepover and like I said before, I’m not telling you shit.”

  Slinger pressed a hand into his heart, his head falling back with a wince like he’d just been shot. “You’re killing me, Finnegan.”

  I pointed a finger at him. “I don’t care. Now get out.”

  He held both hands up, his green eyes wide with surprise, and finally, just shrugged, waved his hands at me, and shut the door on his way out. At least we’d lived together long enough by now that Sling was very aware when I needed some space and right now, I needed peace, quiet, and room to feed a few demons before I could go back to Emma.

  With my computer open and sitting in my lap, I scrubbed my face with my hands and got down to business. I repeated the same easy search I’d done on Emma’s computer before and winced at the images filling my computer screen. This was bullshit. Complete bullshit. And against my better judgment, I clicked on one at the top of the search and then clicked over to the ‘host’ site for that particular image.

  Sure enough, it brought me to a Twitter account using the handle @bigcasey_14. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but the account still had me shaking my head at my computer...until my eyes landed on the comments underneath Emma’s picture.

  The first one, from another handle similar to the original poster’s, read:

  All my dreams just came to life. Don’t have to imagine it anymore. B back after I bust a quick nut.

  My teeth were already grinding into my jaw when I read the next one:

  Always knew she was a dirrrrty little slut #kennedyhighwi #iwannaburcougar