Past Heaven

by Laura Ward

  “Hey, it’s okay to like a hug. You’re very much alive and it’s perfectly normal to enjoy being held by a sexy man.” Cindy paused and took a deep breath. “Since Jack died, your life has been about taking care of everyone else. Your happiness hasn’t been a factor, and it needs to be. You deserve to feel happy, Liz.”

  My liking that hug was about nothing but my crush on a hunky actor surfacing. It felt nice to be noticed by a man as something more than a soccer mom. But the fact remained that he was here for one reason. To write a screenplay.

  When he left, I couldn’t allow him to take any of my happiness with him. I didn’t have enough left for that.

  GETTING INTO MY SUV, I pulled out of her neighborhood and then pressed down on the accelerator, forcing the engine to rev as I sped home. I slammed my fist into the steering wheel. I had ruined everything with Liz. What was I thinking hugging her? She was out of her comfort zone, and the idiot that I was wrapped her arms around me. I gripped the wheel, berating myself. Every time I squeezed her hand, put an arm around her, or if touched, her entire body stiffened like a rod. I had watched her with her boys and how she showered them with physical love and affection. Her issue was either men in general or it was me.

  I was sure she had heard of my reputation with women. The tabloids loved to detail the plethora of young actresses I would “date” for brief periods. Skin-clad on the beach. Out at the newest nightclub. I had been living every bachelor’s fantasy and loving every second of it. But I never thought how I might look to someone outside of Hollywood. Did she think I was hitting on her? I might have been an asshole, but I was no fool. She was still grieving. I only wanted to be her friend. I didn’t know what came over me when I needed to hold her. I just did. I swear I wasn’t making a move. Shit.

  I think.

  I was a dick for making her feel uncomfortable, but I couldn’t seem to stop trying to touch her in small ways. I was used to women pawing at me all the time and dying for me to touch them, but she wasn’t like that. Damn, she was different.

  I slowed down as I approached the farmhouse. The night was pitch black outside, with few streetlights and the lamps from inside homes, the only illumination. Pulling into the gravel driveway, the tires crunched as I drove even slower. I paused, looking at the horse barn and the white picket fences that framed the entire farm. Opening my door, I got out and stopped and listened to the crickets chirping loudly. This place filled me with a peace that I had never found in the city. Regardless, when this project was over, I would be going back to California. I had wanted a fresh start, but I wasn’t kidding myself. I didn’t want a complete life reversal. I wasn’t looking to start anything with Liz. She was beautiful, in the most natural, alluring way I had ever experienced, but she was a grieving widow. And a mom. Who lived in the suburbs. And drove a minivan covered in crumbs. We weren’t what I’d call “compatible.” Still I felt a connection with her, and while I was here, I was going to try and learn as much as I could about myself and her. At the end of the day, I could only hope we’d both leave this partnership stronger and better people.

  “Good morning!” I hopped out of the Rover and walked over to Liz’s minivan.

  She jumped and turned around, an expression of shock across her face. “Reynolds! What are you doing here?”

  “What?” Crap. That little bugger didn’t tell her? I shoved my hands into my front pockets and looked at Grayson.

  He smiled and shrugged. “Oops. Sorry, Mom. I think I forgot to tell you. I invited Reynolds to come to my game. After I kicked his tail in soccer this week, I thought he might like to see how the game is supposed to be played.”

  Liz’s jaw dropped. “You invited Reynolds to your game and didn’t tell me?”

  “Right. That’s an oops. My bad.” Grayson walked over and hugged his mom. “You forgive me, right?”

  Liz blew out a breath and straightened her back. She plastered a smile on her face before hugging her son. “Of course.” She turned to me. “Welcome to Hydes Field, Reynolds. It’s a zoo.”

  Zoo was an understatement. Soccer fields, marked off by white spray paint, were everywhere. Little kids, big kids, and parents sat in portable chairs on the sidelines.

  “Whoa.” Crowds like this made me nervous. I wore a baseball cap and shades, but had left my security team at home. It was a suburban soccer field. How bad could it get?

  “Whoa is right. Last week two parents duked it out after the one o’clock game.” Liz motioned to a man arguing with a referee, profanity flying through the air, at nine o’clock on a Saturday morning.

  Right. It could get bad. “Is it okay with you if I watch Grayson’s game?”

  “Hey Mom!” Griffin came running up from across from the parking lot with three Gatorades. “Here you go.” He handed his mom the drinks and saw me. The smile fell from his face and he narrowed his eyes. “What is he doing here?”

  Griffin was leery whenever I was around his family. I wanted to shake his hand for that. His protective reaction was what any dad would want from his son, but I was not his dad and couldn’t tell him that. Still my respect for him continued to grow.

  “Grayson invited Reynolds to his game,” Liz said, unloading the van as Griffin glared at me before jogging off with Grayson.

  “Grayson has a game at the same time that Hayden has clinic. Would you like to go back and forth with me? Griff will stay at Grayson’s game the whole time to cheer him on.” I nodded, and we walked through the dew-covered grass toward the field where Grayson was warming up. I kept my head ducked low, afraid of being recognized. Liz stopped at the bleachers and looked up at me. “You don’t need to be here. I’m sure you have better things to do with your Saturday.” Her arms were crossed over her chest, and her voice was wary.

  “If it’s okay with you and the boys I’d like to be here. I’m caught up on my emails and phone calls, and I can’t write anymore without you, so I have a free weekend. I don’t know a soul in Baltimore, and I’d like to experience this area. I’d like to see what you all do for fun.” I smiled and Liz uncrossed her arms.

  “Welcome to my world.” We laughed and climbed the bleachers as Grayson’s game began.

  Grayson played goalie and did a stellar job. He blocked goals and seemed to love diving through the air, no matter what the cost. He was aggressive and athletic without caring that he might get hurt. Liz, however, did care. She spent much of that time with her hand partially covering her eyes.

  Right before half time, Liz ran over to watch Hayden in clinic. Moms and dads screamed on the sidelines at Grayson’s game, and I was pretty sure I didn’t fit in with them. I wasn’t sure how I felt about kids in general, but Liz’s kids were different. I couldn’t explain it. They just were. I lowered my sunglasses as I searched the field and spotted Liz cheering on Hayden. I had no idea how she made juggling each boy’s schedule look so easy when it clearly wasn’t. She glanced over and our eyes met. She smiled, dipping her eyes away as she waved me over. I couldn’t help the smile that spread on my face. Damn.

  She’s just a friend. That’s all.

  I’m heading back to California.

  Just having a fun day with the kids.

  I don’t like kids.

  These aren’t just any kids, though.

  Need to stop over-thinking.

  “Hey.” I tucked my hands in my jeans. I wasn’t going to touch her and freak her out again.

  “Hey back to you.” She touched my arm and quickly looked away. I could have sworn I saw a smile, too. “It’s a good thing I ran here. He just shot a goal.” She gestured to Hayden and waved.

  “Wait, what? You actually run to the different games?”

  She gave me a sideways glance while clapping and cheering for Hayden and then pointed down to her running shoes. “It’s what I do when I have two playing at the same time. It becomes an impressive triathlon when all three are scheduled at the same time.”

  I rocked on my feet and shook my head. “You are an amazing woman, Liz
Atwater. Just amazing.” Before I realized what was happening, my hands were out of my pocket, and I was cheering on Hayden.

  The little guy was fearless…

  Grayson, Hayden, Liz, and I ended up together on the bleachers watching Griffin play. I was pretty sure no one knew who I was, but I was a stranger sitting with the Atwater family. The reality sunk in as I looked around, watching people pointing to us, whispering behind hands and snickering. Liz looked around, tucking her arms in close to her sides, when she, too, realized all eyes were on us. One woman moved and sat next to Liz, whispering to her throughout the game. I looked over at Liz, but she kept her focus on the game, cheering for Griff. She would nod or shake her head from time to time, but she wouldn’t engage with the woman.

  I was pissed. If anyone was hurting Liz because of something I did, I’d lose my mind. This woman and her family did not need any more trouble. Leaning back, the woman giggled to the person next to her and gestured toward Liz and then me. A low growl rumbled in my chest, and Liz turned to me, her eyebrows raised. “Not a word, Hollywood. Do. Not. Engage.” She smirked, and I grunted. We were talking about this later.

  After the game, I tried to congratulate Griffin, but he rolled his eyes and walked ahead to Liz’s minivan. I attempted to help out, carrying balls, water bottles, and blankets in my arms. As Liz was securing Hayden in his booster seat, Griffin tugged on her arm, angrily.

  “Why is he here, Mom? I don’t understand. He’s not a part of our family. He isn’t one of us.” Griffin’s face was pinched as he spoke. He was furious and looked like he was trying to keep from crying.

  Liz hugged him to her, and I stepped back, wanting to give them privacy. This was awkward. What did I do? I shouldn’t have come.

  “Reynolds wanted to see you guys play, honey. That’s all. He’s here in Baltimore with no friends and no family.”

  “Mom…” Griffin wiped at his eyes, tearing up.

  I swallowed the rock that was once again in my throat. I am the world’s biggest asshole for contributing to more of Griffin’s pain.

  “He cheered like….he sounded like…Dad.” Griffin whispered the last part, and I hung my head. I didn’t mean to act like their dad. I wasn’t trying to do that, I just wanted to be supportive. I didn’t know much, but I knew better than that.

  Liz hugged him tightly and kissed the top of his head. “I’m sorry you’re feeling sad, Griff, but Reynolds was cheering like a man. Not a dad. He would never. He just wouldn’t.” She squeezed him, and he climbed into the van.

  “I’m sorry, Liz.” She turned around, a frown on her face, but she shook her head no and smiled sadly.

  “Hey guys, I’m going to head out.” I poked my head in the mini-van.

  “What? No way! Can we come over and ride horses?” Grayson shouted from the back.

  “Horses! Please, Reyn. I really want to ride a horse!” Hayden chimed in.

  I looked back at Liz, and she nodded. “If that’s okay with you, Reynolds. It’s fine with me. Just follow us home.”

  Griffin shook his head, his lips pursed together and stared out the window. I needed to give him some time to cool down. “No, why don’t you meet me at the farm in an hour.” Grayson and Hayden groaned. “I’ve got to get the horses ready and buy some carrots for you to feed them.” I mussed up Hayden’s hair, and he laughed.

  Liz’s face was torn. She wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was. I winked at her in reassurance and jumped into my car.

  Forty minutes later, I had Betsy’s saddle on and set to go. I fed the beautiful dark brown horse a carrot, while processing my morning. “You know girl, I loved hanging out with that family, but between the gossipy woman and hurting Griffin, I cause problems wherever I go.” Betsy neighed and appeared to nod her head. I laughed loudly.

  At least we were all in agreement that I was an asshole.

  RIDING HORSES WITH Reynolds had been exactly what we had needed. None of us had ever ridden before, and we fell in love, fast. The boys, Griffin especially, had been more carefree than I had seen them in ages. We had ridden the horses inside the fenced paddocks for several hours. Reynolds took each of the boys out on his own, teaching basic lessons in riding. Now that the boys were safe with Mr. Butler, the farm owner, and Reynolds’ security guys, it was my turn for a lesson.

  As soon as Reynolds was sure I was comfortable on Betsy, he jumped on Rocky, a majestic black horse, and we walked them through the open pasture, just past the barn. The late afternoon sun shone down, and a warm breeze filled the air.

  “I’m sorry about Griffin. What can I do?” We had ridden in comfortable silence for a few minutes before Reynolds spoke.

  “You didn’t do anything wrong. Griffin is still grieving the loss of his father. Jack never missed one practice or game. He would clap and cheer so loudly for them that they would be mortified. But it was Jack’s way of showing them his pride and love.” I looked at Reynolds, my eyes glistening with unshed tears. “No man has gone to their games in almost a year. I should have thought through what that would feel like for the boys. Grayson and Hayden enjoyed the attention. Griff is…confused. He isn’t ready for any male to be in his house or his life. He needs time to trust, and time to heal.” I shifted in the saddle as I said those last words. Griffin and I were alike in those feelings. Reynolds and I were becoming friends, but I didn’t fully trust him, and I sure as hell wasn’t healed.

  “I also wanted to ask you if everything was okay with that woman at the game? It looked like she wouldn’t leave you alone.” Reynolds asked as I watched the sunlight filter through the trees.

  “You saw that, huh? Some of those soccer moms are the biggest gossips.” We rode side by side into a pasture filled with wildflowers. “That was the queen bee, Shelby. She was trying to pry information from me about you. She wouldn’t accept that you were just my friend. She couldn’t let it go. I wouldn’t engage, though. Except, I did get pissed off when she asked if you knew how old I was and that I was a widow.” I raised my chin and crinkled my nose. “She kept trying to egg me on!”

  “Why didn’t you tell me? I would have shut that down!” Reynolds’ nostrils flared as he spoke.

  I rolled my eyes at him. “I can handle catty bitches. They’re a staple in my life. I didn’t need help.” Reynolds stopped his horse, and I halted mine next to him. He reached for my hand, but stopped himself and ran his hand through his hair.

  “Maybe I should avoid the soccer fields while I’m here. I don’t want to cause you or the boys any more problems.”

  “Are you kidding me? I won’t allow busybodies to dictate what I do with my life. We like having you here, and you can go anywhere you damn well want with us. Griff just needs some time, Reynolds. We aren’t doing anything wrong. We are just friends!” I threw my hands up in the air in an “I give up” gesture, which caused Reynolds to laugh out loud.

  “Okay, fireball. I hear you.” Reynolds teased, and we guided the horses down a small hill to a stream, where they stopped to drink water.

  “When did you become interested in riding?” I secured my ponytail and then stretched my hands above my head.

  “I started lessons when I was eight. My dad sent me to ride horses because he had once read it was therapeutic for adopted children with possible abandonment issues. Riding horses became my favorite hobby.”

  I cocked my head to the side. “I didn’t know you were adopted.” How had that affected him growing up?

  “My parents love me unconditionally. I adore them.” Reynolds smiled as we turned our horses and rode them back up the hill.

  “Thank you for taking this time to teach us what you know.” I smiled at him. “I see why you fell in love with riding. Being out here in the peace and quiet of the fields is wonderful.”

  Reynolds’ lips parted but he said nothing, only nodding in agreement.

  As dusk fell, we met up with the boys back at the stables. Reynolds showed them how to untack the horses by taking off their saddle, bridle, and oth
er equipment. They then offered the horses water before putting them in their stalls. He gave the boys brushes and taught them about grooming. The boys soaked in everything. Griffin hadn’t loved hanging out with Reynolds, but he had adored the horses. Grayson had a blast, particularly when he rode faster than he’d been advised, and Hayden had been joyful just to be with everyone. The past year must have been harder than I could even imagine for a five-year old. So much sadness, so many tears…a day like today had been perfect.

  Griffin was brushing the horse’s mane, standing in front of her, while Grayson and Hayden were closer to the back. They watched Reynolds use a pick to get clumps of mud out from Betsy’s hoof. I leaned against the barn door, enjoying the quiet pleasure my sons found around these lovely animals.

  “Hey! Look out! It’s pooping!” Grayson hollered. All three boys laughed.

  “Eeeewwwww!” Hayden peered between the horse’s legs and squealed with a pitch only a five-year old could muster. Betsy startled from the loud noise and the activity behind her. She lunged, and I grabbed Hayden and Grayson, in case she kicked behind her. Instead, she neighed and jumped forward rearing her front legs up in the air, causing Griffin to leap back and press his body against the back of the stall. He was trapped.

  Agitated, Betsy continued to move forward, shying away from the noise behind her, but also moving too close to Griff for any of our comfort.

  “Mom!” Griffin whispered, panicked and terrified.

  I looked at Reynolds and was taken aback by the complete calm on his face.

  “Griffin. Look at me.” Reynolds spoke softly but firmly. Griffin looked at him, wide-eyed and gasping.

  “Stay calm, buddy. Slow your breathing and stay calm. Betsy’s spooked right now, but I won’t let her hurt you. Listen to me, Griff. You’re fine.” My heart was in my throat, watching my Griffin, my strong guy, frightened, and yet trying hard to listen to Reynolds and settle himself down.