Past Heaven

by Laura Ward

  I KISSED REYNOLDS Carter.

  I kissed someone other than Jack.

  What had I done? I climbed into bed, leaving the lights off, and crawled over to Jack’s side. I pressed my face into his pillow and took a deep breath.

  It no longer smelled like him.

  I flipped onto my back, staring into the darkness. “Jack?” I whispered aloud. “I’m so sorry.” Tears ran down my cheeks, and I didn’t bother wiping them away.

  My fingers grazed my lips as I remembered the kiss. A kiss that was so full of emotion and passion, it overwhelmed me. Reynolds cared about me. It wasn’t just about the boys. He cared about…ME. He wanted…ME. Shit. The hairs on my arms stood up, and my body felt tingly and sharp. I was emotionally shattered just thinking about it.

  The boys would be upset when they learned that he was gone, but ending things now was better than later when they would be even more attached, right?

  Oh, god. I hurt him. He was already betrayed by someone else, and I hurt him, too. I felt so guilty about that, but I kept picturing the faces of my boys. They were who I needed to protect, no matter the cost.

  I closed my eyes and let my silent tears send me to sleep.

  “I don’t get it, girlfriend. Why don’t you have a fling with him? You know he’d be talented in bed. Mind-blowing. Sheet-twisting and scream-producing.” Cindy had arrived in the morning with coffee and bagels, and we sat at my kitchen table, discussing the drama of the past few days.

  She sipped her coffee and grinned. I’d bet all the chocolate éclairs in Maryland that she was imagining the glorious details involving a naked Reynolds in bed.

  I focused on shredding my paper napkin. “I’ve never had a fling, Cind. Jack was my first and my only. Reynolds means too much to me to be a fling. I don’t want to hurt him, or myself. It would end badly.”

  “You’re doing it again. You’re putting everyone’s happiness before your own. Jack wouldn’t want this. He would want you to live your life and try new things.” She added an extra sugar packet to her coffee and winked. “He’d even want you to try new people.” She laughed, and I sighed. “You absolutely have to tell me about the kiss. I want every sloppy detail.” She leaned in and closed her eyes, making a fish-like kissy face.

  I crossed my arms on the table and buried my head in them. My voice was muffled, but I spoke loudly. “Unbelievable. I’ve never been kissed like that. He devoured me. I stopped breathing, and you know what? I didn’t care one tiny bit.” I shot her a quick glance. “He tasted…Oh, Lord have mercy. Delicious.”

  “Enough. Enough, you little bitch. God, I’m so fucking jealous. I can picture it, though. Yum.”

  “Yum is right.” I picked up my head, and we looked at each other and laughed. Laughing, even at the complete absurdity that my life had become, felt so good.

  “All right, so a fling is out.” Cindy bumped my shoulder playfully as she reached past me and grabbed a bagel. She pulled it apart and slathered on a thick layer of cream cheese. Her eyes sparkled, and she bit her lip before asking, “Why not try dating him? It’s pretty clear he wants a shot with you, and I don’t mean just in bed.”

  I avoided Cindy’s probing gaze and conducted a thorough examination of my nails. After she cleared her throat for the third time, I knew I had to answer her. “I need a manicure…and I’m not free of Jack, yet.” I rubbed my hand over my rings. “I don’t want to be. I’m scared to lose my connection to him, Cind. If I were to turn to Reynolds, my relationship with Jack would really be over. I still need him. I can’t lose what I have left of him.”

  Cindy gave me a tight smile and rubbed my arm. “He’ll always be here.” Her voice took on a very un-Cindy like tone. “You’ll never lose him. He lives on every day in those boys and in your heart. Sacrificing a chance for happiness will not keep him closer to you.” Cindy sat back in the chair and took a huge bite of her bagel. I watched her chew it slowly, unsure of what just happened and the truth behind her words.

  “But don’t you think it’s wrong? I feel guilty as shit just thinking about kissing Reynolds. People will think I’m a heartless bitch if I date again.”

  Cindy set her bagel down and straightened in her chair. She clasped her hands in front of her and narrowed her eyes. “Liz Atwater, anyone who judges you can deal with me. Envy, my friend. It turns otherwise nice women into cold-hearted bitches, but you can’t let that stop you.”

  She said that so easily, but I had more than the wrath of the jealous soccer mom to worry about. What if someone said something to the boys? I held my head in my hands and closed my eyes again. “I don’t know. I’m torn up inside.”

  “Well, I have to tell you another thing. I’ve noticed some changes in you since Reynolds came into town.” My eyes popped open and focused on Cindy’s raised eyebrows.

  “What are you talking about? What changes? I’m the same person I’ve always been.”

  “You’ve lost weight, quite a bit since Jack died. I get it. You don’t have an appetite, and you run like a damn loon all the time. But since Mr. Hollywood came into town, I haven’t seen you with your glasses on once, contacts only. Your hair is styled all the time. Your makeup is much more polished than normal. You also walk around the house in your “going out” outfits. Come on, this is me you are talking to. You used to live in yoga pants and T-shirts. At some level, you must recognize you’re trying to impress the guy, right?”

  I sighed and put my head back on the table. “I don’t think I was consciously doing that. I just knew that a famous, overwhelmingly hot man was in my kitchen every day, and I didn’t want to embarrass myself. I…I wasn’t trying to seduce him.”

  Was I?

  “No, I don’t think you were after him, honey.” Cindy’s voice became softer. “I just think you might be trying harder than you think for a reason. That reason might be sex.” She reached over and grabbed my hand. “And if so, that’s okay. It’s normal. Listen, my ninety-four year old grandmother would want to have sex with Reynolds Carter. There’s no judgment here—just unbelievable amounts of jealousy.” She waggled her eyebrows, and I laughed. “And for the record, I think you should reconsider his delicious offer.” Cindy licked her lips, and I suppressed a groan.

  “Or maybe the reason isn't just sex. Maybe it's your heart talking and that’s okay, too.” Cindy took another bite of her bagel, eyeing it like it was Reynolds’ face. “Mmm, oh my god, this is so good.” Cindy swallowed noisily. “Oh, and that’s just the outside, love.” My furrowed brows caused Cindy to roll her eyes. “You’ve changed on the inside, too, and it’s all fabulous. I’ve seen you stronger and more confident in the last weeks than I have in almost a year. You know what else?”

  I shook my head, unable to form words. I was shocked that my best friend had noticed these changes in me and attributed them to Reynolds. Was she right? Maybe he was good for me in ways I had never thought about?

  “You’re funny again. You have the best sense of humor, and it died the day Jack did. I’ve heard you laugh and bring laughter to others more around Reynolds than since I can remember. It’s like the old you is back in some ways.”

  Cindy looked at the clock and jumped up. “Dang, I’ve got to pick up kid number three from preschool.”

  I couldn’t gather the energy to walk her to the door. In her easy, crass, dedicated way, she had made me come to terms with my guilt, longing, and personal transformations in the time it had taken her to down two cups of coffee and a sesame bagel with extra cream cheese. Christ, she handled me well.

  She turned back with one final comment. “You know all about life surprising you with the stuff nightmares are made of, but sometimes, life surprises you in the best possible way.”

  Reynolds had waited over a week to email me the revised screenplay. Just seeing his name in my inbox made me feel giddy and overheated. I had read it and had made notes within a day. I felt connected to him again working on the project. Even hitting the send button made my heart race.

  I
was a hot mess.

  We had agreed to Skype at night, after the boys were in bed, so we could talk through some of the tougher scenes.

  The next evening, my hands shook as I turned on my laptop and sipped a tall glass of white wine to help with my nerves. This would be the first time I’d seen him in over a week. My breath caught when his face came on the screen. I was relieved I had taken a few moments to brush my hair and redo my makeup. He looked breathtakingly handsome.

  “Hey, Liz, how are you?” Reynolds appeared relaxed and confident from his home across the country.

  “Okay, a little tired. How are you?” I sipped my wine, and he laughed.

  “Great minds.” He held up his glass of whiskey, and we did a virtual toast. He hesitated before answering my question and our eyes locked. “I’m fine.” A shiver ran through my body, and we both glanced away.

  Reynolds flipped through some pages. “Our project is coming along well. I got your notes and agree with all of them. I need your help with some characterization details for a few of the other parents. I think we need to develop them some more.”

  We both sipped our drinks and worked on character and plot issues for the next hour. Besides the computer screen, it was as comfortable as when we were working at my kitchen table. As our meeting ended, pain rocked through my chest at the thought of saying goodbye to him. I played with my fingers, biting my lip, and thinking of anything else work-related I could bring up.

  “These are solid edits, Liz. I’ll work on the changes tomorrow, email you tomorrow night, and we can Skype on Wednesday at nine o’clock. ‘Kay?” Reynolds’ face was expressionless, and his voice was flat. He organized his papers and stood up. He was dressed to go out, and I was ready for bed. We truly lived in very different worlds.

  “Sounds like a plan. You headed out? You look nice.” I kept my voice neutral, hiding the emptiness that filled me at the sight of him so far away.

  “Yeah, dinner plans. This place makes a chicken parmesan that tastes like sawdust compared to yours. The food out here is horrible now that I have tasted actual home cooking. You’ve ruined me.” We laughed, and I blinked back my tears so he wouldn’t see them.

  “Have fun, Reynolds. Good night.” I shut my computer and headed to bed. Alone and missing two men in my life. One had been stolen from me, and the other, I had run out of town so he wouldn’t break my heart, too.

  When would my life get easy again?

  It wouldn’t.

  The next evening, I checked my email and bit back a smile seeing his name in my inbox. I pulled up the latest version of the screenplay and reached out, touching the screen. Yanking my hand back, I blew out a breath. I was acting like a teenager.

  Thinking about our conversation tomorrow made me nervous. The day would be long and draining. I was stupid to plan on working on the anniversary of Jack’s death. More than anything, I wanted to show myself that I had made progress through this process. I wanted to act as strong as Cindy seemed to think I was. And if I worked tomorrow, I could at least see Reynolds. Talking to him might bring a sliver of light into what would remain a dark day for the rest of my life.

  Turning the TV on in the office, I printed out the latest version of the screenplay and pulled out my red pen and highlighter. Entertainment news was on and the lead story was Reynolds. I jolted my head up and saw pictures of Reynolds and Kylie leaving a trendy Santa Monica Italian restaurant. He had his arm around her shoulders, and she was laughing. My stomach knotted. The broadcasters announced that the on again, off again couple were back together at their favorite restaurant and fans were rejoicing. Plans were in the works to star in a new movie together, and it would surely be a blockbuster. I gasped, feeling like I had just been sucker punched in the gut.

  I turned off the TV and sat at my desk. A sad smile formed as I thought about Reynolds. I hoped he found happiness with that woman. At least this meant one thing, I wasn’t stupid at all. I closed my eyes and rested my head in my hands. I did do the right thing for my family.

  So…why did it hurt so badly?

  “LOOK, PAUL.” I clenched my cell phone tightly in my hand and walked out by the pool. “I don’t know what else you want from me. I went to the damn dinner with her and put up with her bullshit for about as long as I could without getting indigestion.”

  “Being asked to read for roles this big, specifically by the author of the books, is a huge honor. I heard you when you said you wouldn’t work with Kylie, but you needed to look like you at least considered the role. Otherwise, they’ll just think you’re an arrogant prick.” Paul laughed into the phone and I pulled it away from my ear.

  “So I suffered through an awkward dinner for PR sake. You couldn’t have found some place the paparazzi didn’t know about?” I rubbed at my temples, picturing the publicity debacle. I had tried to be a gentleman and had put my arm around her as we ducked through the crowds and lights. She had laughed at some imaginary comment I had never made, and just like that, every news outlet was discussing our non-existent relationship.

  “Reynolds, remember this. You’re a professional and an actor. Play it off. I don’t give a shit if you’re fucking her or not. The public wants what the public wants. The two of you went viral. America’s “it-couple” is back together.”

  “Well, what about what I want?”

  “Let me remind you that what you want is to keep your name and face at the front of everyone’s mind.” He paused and added with a sneer. “This will help those little feel good projects you want to do.”

  Feel good projects. I missed Liz and the boys more than I thought I would. I couldn’t believe that in such a short time, they had become so important to me.

  Damn. I hoped Liz hadn’t seen any of the PR bullshit footage. I rubbed my face with one hand while Paul yammered in my ear. Then reality hit. She probably didn’t give a shit, anyway.

  At six o’clock California time, I got ready to Skype with Liz over our latest changes. I didn’t need a drink today. My nerves were better. The chat we had on Monday went well. We were both relaxed and acted like our old selves. “Acted” being the operative word for me. God, I had wanted to reach through the screen and hold her hand. I had wanted to touch her hair and smell her skin. She looked alluring and sexy. She was always sexy.

  When she came on the screen tonight, my heart sank. Something was wrong. Was it the news story with Kylie? Her hair was pulled back in a bun, and she had black smudges around her puffy, bloodshot eyes. She looked down, holding a Kleenex to her nose.

  My heart raced. I cracked my knuckles and then grabbed the computer screen as if it would get me closer to her. “Jesus, Liz. What is it? Are you okay? Please tell me the boys aren’t hurt.” I leaned forward in my chair as if somehow I could hold her through the monitor.

  Liz had an unnatural stillness. Her stare was unfocused and she spoke in a flat tone. “The boys are fine, Reynolds. Well, as fine as they can be today. It’s just a really tough day for us, you know?”

  My pulse slowed a little with the knowledge that no one was harmed. I released the computer screen and sat back in my chair. So, what the hell was she talking about? “Liz, did you see the news story? It isn’t true about Kylie. I promise.”

  Liz laughed a hard laugh, and I saw for the first time, pure anger in her eyes. “No, Reynolds. This isn’t about you and Kylie. I wish you both nothing but the best.” Her voice took on an edge as she emphasized “best”—a euphemism for anything but best. “Today is November eighteenth.” Her words hung in the air. “The one year anniversary of Jack’s murder. It’s been a hellish day for my family.” As she said that, I was painfully aware that this day didn’t include me. I wasn’t there to help them through any part of the day.

  There was a grim twist to her mouth. “I can’t work tonight. I should’ve told you before, but I thought I could do it. I hope you understand.” Liz’s eyes were dark and flat. My heart plummeted to the bottom of my stomach.

  “Liz, wait, I’m so sorry!” I yell
ed, seconds too late. She was disconnected and gone.

  I scraped my hands through my hair. “FUCK! Motherfucking hell!” I screamed as loud as I could. I banged my fist on the table and slammed the laptop closed.

  I was such an asshole.

  THE BANGING ON the door became louder and more aggressive.

  I nestled under the covers and buried my head under the pillows, blocking Cindy and everything else out. Today of all days, I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed. I’d walked the kids to the bus stop, and cocooned myself in my bedroom—alone, trying to recover in peace.

  “Go away,” I mumbled to myself. “Leave me alone.”

  The banging continued more insistent, persistent, and determined. The phone calls, visits, flowers, and food deliveries yesterday were very thoughtful, but the constant reminders made the day overwhelming.

  I exhaled and tightened the grip on my pillow. I was pissed at myself. I tossed the pillow on the floor and rolled over on my back, staring at the ceiling. The one person I had wanted to hear from, the one I thought would reach out, never did. Reynolds didn’t even remember.

  I kicked the covers off me and sat up. I brought my knees to my chest and buried my face in them. For some reason, I’d had the insane idea that I would be okay to Skype with Reynolds yesterday. As if that would help.

  I threw myself back on the mattress and rolled onto my side. I had thought that focusing on something positive, something wonderful about Jack would lessen the pain. I thought wrong. Jack had consumed my thoughts, and whenever Reynolds popped into my head, it was only with guilt and regret.

  My heart was being put through a blender. Every time I would picture Jack, my mind then jumped to Reynolds, and then back to Jack. I’d been ripped apart as I was reminded of the love I had and the love I desperately wanted. The thoughts and feelings made me so dizzy I felt ill.