Ruby Parker Hits the Small Time

by Rowan Coleman

  For Lily

  Contents

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  About the Author

  Credits Page

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Chapter One

  You can’t stop things from changing, because other people—adults—think they always know what’s for the best. It’s like it’s sort of not officially your life until you’re grown up. As if the way you think and feel doesn’t really matter, doesn’t really mean anything—almost as if you don’t even really feel it. As if, because you are only thirteen, everything you think and feel is just in your imagination. I feel like I should have some say about what happens to me in my life, but I never do. My life just happens to me, and other people make the decisions. The wrong decisions, mostly.

  Just recently, I’ve felt like I spend my life trying to keep things exactly the same as they’ve always been and it’s like I’m running up a down escalator. Just when I feel like I’m getting somewhere, I lose my footing and off I go—down and down—until I find the energy to start going uphill all over again. Some of the things that have happened in my life have been amazing. Some of them have been the sort of things that other girls my age lie in bed at night and dream about having happen to them. But I bet none of them dreams about what happened to me this morning. It’s like a fairy tale in reverse, with the happy ending at the beginning.

  This morning I found out that I am officially the frumpiest thirteen-year-old in the entire history of the world. You might say, like my mum does, that everyone feels that way sometimes, that it’s a phase and I’ll get over it and one day I’ll turn into a swan and boys will follow me around begging me to look at them. But it doesn’t feel like a phase; it feels like the end of the world. The end of my world, at least.

  If I was just Ruby Parker, girl, it wouldn’t matter so much. OK, I’d be doomed to a life of never having a boyfriend, but I could work on being interesting and funny instead, and maybe be “unusually attractive” like the heroines of my mum’s books that I’m secretly reading. Once I got past about, say, thirty-five, I expect I wouldn’t even mind that much anymore.

  But I’m not Ruby Parker, girl.

  I’m Ruby Parker, Television Star. And, in my world, being an ugly, dumpy thirteen-year-old means the end of that, and the end of going to my school, and maybe the end of everything else I’ve been trying to hold together too.

  If you saw me, Ruby Parker, standing outside the classroom waiting to go in for math on the last day of term, you’d have said I’m a pretty ordinary girl. Not the sort of girl who’d be singled out for any special attention, good or bad. Sort of medium height, sort of medium build (apart from the obvious, but more about those later), and sort of medium hair—hair that had been shiny and blonde when I was little but has gradually become browner and darker and danker and lanker. I also have average skin (not too many spots), quite a nice nose, and not a bad profile.

  You’d notice that most of the other girls in my class really don’t bother talking to me, although they frequently talk about me, usually in stage whispers behind my back to make sure I can hear everything they’re saying. And you’d notice that while I just hang around in the corridor waiting for Miss Greenstreet to arrive, some of the other girls are practicing their ballet positions against the wall, and Menakshi Shah is reciting Juliet’s balcony speech from Romeo and Juliet, flicking her hair all around as she does it, trying to catch Michael Henderson’s eye. (Not that he’d look at her in six million years, because everyone knows that he and Anne-Marie Chance will never split up and will be together forever and end up presenting a daytime talk show like Richard and Judy.)

  Anyway, you’d have noticed that none of the boys talk to me either, although they sometimes creep up behind me and twang my bra strap and say things like, “Oy, Ruby, have you seen my football? Me and Mac lost our footballs and …oh, look, they’re down your top! Give ’em back!” And they pretend to lunge at me and try to grab my boobs, then I scream and hit them over the head with my folder, and my best friend, Nydia Assimin, charges at them, which usually sends them packing, but still they shout really nasty stuff like, “Watch out, it’s a herd of elephants!”

  You’d also notice that almost all the boys are pretty well turned out for thirteen-year-olds. None of them smell, and most of them wash their hair more than twice a week. Some, like Danny Harvey (who always smells of apples), wash it every day. And you’d notice that they’re all what my mum calls “natural extroverts.” You might think that boys are always shouting and mucking around, but the boys at my school do it with excellent projection and perfect enunciation.

  That’s because I go to a stage school. I go to Sylvia Lighthouse’s Academy for the Performing Arts. Every single one of the kids who was standing outside my classroom waiting to go in for math on the last day of the term wants to be an actor, a singer, or a TV presenter—or all three, usually.

  We have all our normal lessons in the morning, and then after lunch we have dance, acting, and music until four o’clock, which might sound like a laugh—and it is—but it’s hard too. Especially when your speech and drama coach is a raving lunatic, hung up about the fact that she never made it big and ended up teaching a load of snotty stuck-up posh kids instead (which might be why she hates me more than anyone else on account of my being on the telly). But even though I don’t have that many friends, at least I have Nydia. And although it can feel like I’m always working and never have time to just relax, I love the school.

  School is the only place where I feel like I am actually me—the person I feel like inside and not the person everyone else sees, I mean. When I’m dancing or acting or singing, it doesn’t matter that I’m not popular or very thin or that I don’t have a boyfriend. And although the teachers make you work twice as hard as other schoolkids, and they remind you that not every one will make it, they do believe that sometimes dreams come true. I don’t know many adults who do that.

  I’ve been going to the academy since I was eight, but it was only when Nydia arrived last year that I made a real friend for the first time. Nydia is quite an unusual girl. She’s got the loudest voice in our year and the loudest laugh you’ve ever heard, which she says is because she always has to shout to be heard over her four brothers, but I think she’s just got inbuilt “theatrical projection.” Nydia’s family originally came from Nigeria, but Nydia was born in the same hospital as me, only two months later than I was. So, like we say, apart from the fact that she’s black and I’m white, and the fact that we have different parents and everything, we could practically be twins. It feels like we are twins sometimes, because sometimes we just start thinking the same thing at the same time, like a joke or something, and we start laughing for no reason. Then everyone looks at us blankly, but we both know why we’re laughing, and it makes us laugh even more. It makes me feel safe and sort of warm inside to have a friend like Nydia. While everything keeps changing, Nydia and I will always be the same.

  Everyone else here is super-rich, with parents who are frequently featured in Hello! But Nydia and I come from the same sort of background with the same sort
of terraced house and normal mum and dad. I’m only here because I got famous by mistake (which pays fairly well, as it turns out). Not that I see a penny. I have a trust fund where most of my money goes until I’m twenty-one. Twenty-one! That’s practically my whole life so far again before I get to see any of it! And even though I think I have quite a lot of money, we have a very normal life. Mum says it’s important that I keep my feet on the ground so I don’t get into drugs and alcohol like some child stars. So I still have to ask her for stuff and she mostly still says no.

  Nydia, however, won her place at the academy, beating more than four thousand other applicants through the Sylvia Lighthouse scholarship program, which makes her better than probably anyone else in our year. But that doesn’t stop the other girls from picking on her and calling her fat and stupid. Anne-Marie even said no wonder so many people are starving in Africa, because obviously Nydia ate all the food. But she said that in front of Miss Greenstreet and then we got lectured for over an hour about the Third World debt, so she hasn’t made that crack twice. And she’s a moron anyway, because Nydia grew up in Hackney just like I did, and has never even been to Africa. But that’s Anne-Marie for you; she has the brains of a pile of damp pants.

  Nydia wants to be a character actress, which Anne-Marie says means an ugly, fat actress. But if you ask me, it’s better than being a characterless actress like Anne-Marie, because she looks just the same as everyone else: tall, thin, and blonde, which means she’s bound to get a part on Hollyoaks (when the current cast gets too old and ugly and gets sacked). But at least they will be old, like twenty-five or something. Not only thirteen, like me.

  The thing that happened to me that other girls just dream about? I got famous.

  Not just a little bit famous like Anne-Marie, whose dad is a film producer and who was once in a EuroDisney ad on TV.

  Not just famous because my dad used to be a rock star and my mum was a supermodel, like Jade Caruso’s parents.

  Not famous for modeling in the Kay’s Autumn/ Winter catalogue like Danny Harvey. (He looked nice, by the way, even if he didn’t exactly smile. According to Menakshi—who obviously fancies him, as she fancies more or less all boys—he thinks he’s too good for everyone else at the academy, even the popular kids. She’s probably right. He used to be quite a laugh; then about a year ago he seemed to change overnight.)

  Anyway, I am famous in my own right. I’m famous because every year since I was six, I’ve appeared in Britain’s most popular serialized soap, Kensington Heights. Unless you come from outer space or something, you’ll have heard of it. It’s set in the cut-and-thrust world of an auction house and it’s all about very rich, glamorous people buying antiques (and having sex with each other’s husbands, usually). Every year from mid-August to February, Kensington Heights runs at eight o’clock on Wednesdays, and I’m in nearly every episode, playing Angel MacFarley.

  That’s how I got to be famous—and not just in Britain, either. I’m famous in Eastern Europe, Pakistan, and Japan, and even a bit famous in America. I don’t know this for sure, but Kensington Heights runs on the BBC America channel, and I read in Heat magazine the week before last that Brad Pitt watches it and he’s a big fan! Imagine that! Brad Pitt has seen me on TV! Which is why it’s a shame that Angel MacFarley is about as glamorous as a pair of cheap sneakers. But it’s only to be expected, of course, because I’m not even slightly glamorous. Even last year when I went to the British Soap Awards, all the other girls from the show wore backless and strapless dresses and glitter and heels. I had on my black suit and a blue velvet top and no real makeup, just foundation and lip gloss. Mum said I had to look my age. I told her, “I don’t want to look my age, I hate my age!” And she said that the only way to get around that was to grow up, which I clearly wasn’t ready to do if I was going to make a fuss about it. Like I said, she’s pretty keen on me being normal—even when being normal makes me look stupid.

  Everyone else in the soap is super gorgeous, of course—except my family, the MacFarleys, because we’re what the producers call “social realism.” (However, Angel’s mum—played by former model Brett Summers—is still pretty attractive, even in a frumpy top.) And, anyhow, I don’t know how realistic it was when it turned out that Angel’s dad had a long-lost identical twin brother who came back while he was away nursing his sick mother and tried to trick Angel’s mum into going to bed with him when normally she’d never cheat, because we are the only family in the soap that doesn’t do stuff like that.

  In the end, Angel found out about it and stopped him just in time. I got a lot of letters after that episode. You’d be amazed how many kids actually do find out that one of their parents is cheating on the other one (although only two letters concerned actual identical twins). And they get all stressed and upset, and don’t know if they should say anything and it’s all horrible. I don’t know why they write to me as if I actually know anything about anything in real life, but I always write back and put in some leaflets and the number for ChildLine and suggest they talk to a teacher if they are worried. The other teenagers on the show get letters from people telling them how much they love them, especially Justin de Souza (who I’m madly in love with, by the way). All I get is people’s problems and that practically says it all, to be honest.

  Mum says it’s because I’m famous that the other girls at school aren’t that nice to me. She says it’s because every summer break when I go off to film the next series of Kensington Heights they wish it was them instead. And I say, “Why would a load of thin, pretty girls, who actually get a holiday all summer long, be jealous of me stuck at the BBC studios filming Kensington Heights?” And she rolls her eyes and tells me that I don’t know how lucky I am. I suppose she’s right, because most of the letters I get from other girls tell me more or less the same thing, even if sometimes they don’t always realize that Ruby Parker and Angel MacFarley are two different people.

  The thing is, you don’t know how lucky you really are until it looks like everything you have is going to be taken away. I thought it was all right that I was just normal-looking, because my character was normal-looking.

  I couldn’t have been more wrong.

  19 Othello Road

  Shakespeare Estate

  Birmingham

  Dear Angel,

  I hope you don’t mind me writing to you. I expect you get people writing to you all of the time. I read a bit about you in Girl Talk mag and you said that when the show’s on you get nearly two hundred letters a week! Do you read them all yourself or do you have a helper to do it?

  I just wanted to write and tell you that you are exactly like me. We could be sisters! My dad’s not the live-in caretaker of a posh antique shop, but that’s not what I mean. I mean that you and me are exactly the same. I’m always overhearing people talking about things I shouldn’t and I’m often getting into trouble for saying the wrong thing. Also I have the same duvet cover that you do. Also my mum drinks a lot too just like yours. Sometimes she gets so drunk she falls flat on her face and everyone looks embarrassed. Sometimes it’s not even when there’s a party. Sometimes it’s in the afternoon. I wish I had a dad like yours to sort her out (my dad says he has washed his hands of her) and of course having a rich uncle to pay for a rehabilitation center must be a help.

  I like watching you on TV because you are so much like me and when you get fed up sometimes because Caspian Nightingale doesn’t know you love him, you always seem to come through OK. I like you much better than any of the other teenagers on Kensington Heights. You are the only one who looks real.

  Thank you.

  Love,

  Amy Bertram

  P.S. Don’t worry about writing back. I bet you are busy. Unless you want to, that is.

  Ruby Parker

  Dear Amy,

  Thank you for your letter. I am glad that you enjoy the show so much and that you identify with Angel’s character; she is lots of fun to play. I do get a lot of letters, but I haven’t had so many recent
ly as we have been off-air for a while. I started shooting the new season as soon as school broke up for summer a couple of weeks ago, so no holiday for me! The show starts again next week. I think you’ve been watching reruns on UK Gold, as the story line you describe was two seasons ago. Angel has a different duvet cover now.

  You asked me if I have a helper to answer all my letters. I do—it’s my mum—and sometimes my cat, Everest. (Although he’s not really much help as he sits on the papers.)

  I don’t know if you saw the helplines advertised at the ends of those episodes about Angel’s mum drinking a lot. But just in case you didn’t, I’ve enclosed some leaflets with the numbers on them, in case you wanted to talk to someone about it.Otherwise you could speak to a teacher if you are worried. As you know, Angel didn’t tell her dad about her mum’s secret drinking for ages and it really got to her. After she talked to an adult she felt much better about it.

  Keep watching the show!

  Best wishes,

  Ruby x

  Chapter Two

  Like I said, it was an accident in the first place that I got famous. I wasn’t even trying. I didn’t have to queue up for six hours with thousands of other girls and then go through six weeks of elimination rounds. I didn’t even know I was auditioning. But then I was only six so it’s not that surprising, because when you’re six you don’t really think ahead all that much, do you? When I was six, everyone said I was beautiful with my blonde curly hair and dimples. I even played Goldilocks in the school play, and the Virgin Mary in the Nativity. It’s a bit of a shock to wake up one morning and discover that if I auditioned for the same plays today, I’d probably get the part of the fat grizzly bear—or maybe a goat.

  Anyway, I didn’t go to a stage school back then. I just went to an ordinary school, and then on weekends I went to a drama club, which Mum said I should go to because I was always putting on shows in the living room and doing ballet and singing. Dad agreed I should go if it would shut me up for five minutes. And they laughed about it for ages because they knew he didn’t really mean it. He used to love it when I sang to him, even though back then I went out of tune a lot and mostly forgot the right words. They still have all my shows on video, even the really bad ones. Actually, one of them appeared on last Christmas’ edition of Before They Were Famous. It was the one when I was doing a sailor dance all on my own at the drama club’s annual show, and I sneezed and all this snot shot out and ran down my chin. Dad thought it was hilarious, but Mum and I didn’t speak to him for the rest of Christmas. I was mortified. I knew then I’d never get a boyfriend—especially not Justin de Souza, who is so handsome that it hurts to look at him. But it was pointless staying angry at Dad. If I had, no one would have been talking to anyone, and what kind of Christmas is that?