Never Mind!

by Nicky Roth

  'Well, I knew you would never sign the contract otherwise,' Caroline Bingley shrugged unconcernedly.

  'Exactly. You got that absolutely right. I wouldn't have.'

  'I needed the money, Charles. And come now, it's only for a week, nothing more. So stop fussing. You've got it easy, you know? You've inherited dad's business and what about me? I've nothing but this meagre allowance.'

  'Meagre? You have an allowance of over half a million Pounds each and every year without needing to do anything for it. While I, Caroline, might have gotten the greater share of the inheritance, but you may not have noticed, I have to work my arse off to keep things going. And if I have made half a million for myself by the end of the year, it was actually a good one, for most of the money I make goes back into the business. Oh, but that is what you don't get, is it? So, if you wouldn't spend all your money on rubbish and actually took up a profession instead of going on daily shopping sprees, you wouldn't always be fucking skint. It's your own fault, so you better stop complaining, for no-one is listening to you anyway.'

  Darcy stared at his friend in astonishment. As said, Bingley hardly ever lost his temper, but if, it usually was big time, and thinking about it, it was almost exclusively over his sister.

  Wiping away an imaginary tear, Caroline stilted out of the room and a couple of minutes later she drove off with break-neck speed, almost running over Monty, who had just rounded the house, phone on his ear.

  'So, now that is sorted. And hopefully it'll last for some time. Though I dare doubt it'll sink in with her. By the way, I would completely understand if you'd want to leave, Darcy,' Bingley smiled sadly.

  'No, I'll stay. I can hardly leave you alone with this whole mess, can I?'

  'You easily could, but cheers, mate. I appreciate it.'

  Suddenly Bingley's face fell. He had been standing at the window ever since watching his sister's departure.

  'Oh, Lord... - NO!'

  Looking outside likewise, quickly Darcy ran after his friend before the inevitable happened.

  Chapter 9:

  Someone call Fireman Sam

  'Lizzy, have you heard?' Lydia gasped breathlessly, carelessly flinging her backpack into the corner of the kitchen.

  'That you are back home? Sure, it was hard to miss with all the racket you make. Why are you back already?'

  'Oh, I am not skiving lessons if that is what you're worried about. Mrs Richards has gotten sick and afternoon lessons were cancelled. Where's Jane?'

  'Upstairs making beds and dusting, why?'

  'And mum?'

  'In the garden, cutting back the roses. Why?'

  'Oh, I have such delicious news... - You won't believe what I've just heard at Boot's. I mean, I only went in there for some new lip gloss and then Mr Bingley's sister came in and said she needed... - Oh, but I'll just go and get Jane and mum quickly. - JANE! MUM!'

  And with that she ran out, leaving her older sister utterly bewildered.

  What could Caroline Bingley possibly need, aside from a whole new façade? But surely her buying make-up would most certainly not have Lydia that excited, would it? Hm, a pregnancy test, perhaps? Was Mr Darcy going to be a daddy? Oddly enough, the thought was not quite as amusing as she would have thought. Rather disturbing really.

  'JANE! - MUM!' Lydia carried on screaming as if she wanted to bring down the whole house.

  'What is it? Has someone died? Has a plane crashed nearby or something?' Mrs Bennet asked breathlessly before, in an imitation of her youngest daughter, she threw the basket with the cut off roses into the corner where it ended up right next to Lydia's school bag.

  'No idea, mama.'

  'But you must know something. What did Lydia say?'

  'Mum, she didn't tell me anything yet.'

  'Oh, but...'

  She was interrupted by the entrance of Jane and Lydia, the former being literally dragged behind the latter. Shame Lydia never used that much energy when it came to doing things around the house that would benefit them all, like once in a while hoovering the floor, or clearing the table.

  'What is it, Lydia, dear? Are you well?'

  But before Mrs Bennet could, in a surprisingly instinctive maternal way, feel her forehead, to see whether her daughter was ill, Lydia, at last, broke the news. Or more accurately, dropped the bomb.

  'I've just told Lizzy, that I went into Boot's to get new lip gloss when I saw that this Caroline Bingley was standing at the counter, looking very secretive. I mean, I really couldn't help it, I just had to know what she was on about, and what do you think she asked for?'

  'No idea, Lyddy,' Elizabeth sighed, but then, to accommodate her sister added jokingly: 'Condoms? Lube? Pregnancy test?'

  'Exactly!' Lydia beamed. 'I mean, she didn't want a pregnancy test or condoms, but she asked for lube. And not just that, I mean, they have it on display in the store, don't they? Right next to the other naughty stuff, but she seriously needed more than was on the shelf. More!!! She bought frickin' twenty bottles of it!'

  No-one said a word, but their expressions were expressive enough. Jane looked nothing but mildly bewildered, Mrs Bennet confused, Elizabeth was close to hysterics and Lydia looked triumphant.

  'But that was not all,' Lydia added after a dramatic pause. 'When the pharmacist packed her stuff, she made a very important face, telling the lady that she needed to head back on set, for they were making a film at Netherfield. Can you believe it? They are making a fucking movie right in front of our doorstep! We have to go and take a look. I mean, how cool is that?!'

  Elizabeth had an inkling what kind of film Miss Bingley had been talking about, and suddenly she remembered Darcy laughing almost hysterically the other day when Bingley had said that his schedule had been overthrown by unexpected circumstances.

  It wasn't very hard to put two and two together, especially not with the items Caroline had just purchased. And it was also fairly clear that neither Bingley nor Darcy had much, if anything, to do with it, though she doubted her mother and Lydia would realise that. No, she couldn't do that to Jane, she had to keep them here somehow. Safely at home where no harm could be done.

  'I don't think that is a very good idea, Lydia,' she carefully started only to be sidelined by none other than Jane.

  'But come, Lizzy, what harm would it do?' her oldest sister asked softly.

  Judging by her serene expression it was perfectly clear that she had not connected the dots as she herself had. Jane never thought bad of people and it showed, making her look painfully naive at times. Like right now, for example.

  'Well, but I think we'll be terribly in the way, don't you? I mean Caroline might have said that they are making a film, but it could be a documentary or a commercial to promote the new conference centre for all we know and that wouldn't be all that interesting at all.'

  As she said it, she realised that the latter was nonsensical. No man in his right mind would make a commercial of a building in desperate need of an overhaul, and as always when it was most inconvenient, for once her mother was quick on the uptake.

  'Codswallop, Lizzy, what a silly idea that he would make a commercial at this point. No, I think Lydia is right, we should have a look. We don't even need to get close, just peep around a bit from the distance.'

  'Sure, Tom,' Elizabeth muttered in resignation.

  She very well knew when she had lost a fight, and there was no way, to keep her mother and Lydia from going now, especially not if she kept resisting. On the contrary, they would be even more determined. Both her mother and youngest sister were like a pair of donkeys. If you wanted them to go one way they were set on going the other. Okay, it was worth a try. Perhaps if she tricked them Muppet-style...

  'Then why don't we go right now?' Elizabeth smiled, hoping that it would stop them in their tracks, for surely, Lydia would want to look her best, in case she'd be spotted and promised an acting career, and her mother in her gardener's apron and wellies did not look very flash either.

  But no such luck
. Strategies were all nice and well, but only if they worked. Hers obviously did not. Shit!

  'That, Lizzy, sounds like a plan. I just quickly search for my car key. It always seems to vanish the moment I need it.'

  For an instant Elizabeth was hopeful again, even offering to look for it herself so she could indeed make it disappear for the rest of the day, but one reach into her pocket, and Mrs Bennet had turned into Houdini and miraculously produced her car key as if out of thin air. That was a first. Normally she would need at least ten minutes to get hold of the presently very offensive thing.

  'Well, then let's go,' their mother beamed, looking just as astonished as her daughters at finding her keys so easily.

  'Should we not perhaps wait for Mary and Kitty?' Jane suggested, pointing out the obvious.

  Wow, there was hope after all!

  'We could pick Kitty up on the way, and knowing Mary, she wouldn't want to come anyway.'

  Looking at the clock over the kitchen door Elizabeth sighed. They would be just in time to pick Kitty up before she would get onto the bus home. Life really wasn't fair sometimes.

  Well, never mind. There was no use crying over spilt milk, was there?

  When they turned into the driveway to Netherfield House, they almost got hit by a car.

  'Well, did you see that!' Mrs Bennet fumed, honking her horn even though the culprit had long gone.

  'Mum, calm down, nothing happened...' Jane tried to soothe.

  'But it bloody well could have!'

  'Perhaps we should turn around and go home?' Elizabeth asked hopefully in one last desperate attempt to prevent the inevitable.

  'But I wanna go and have a look!' both Kitty and Lydia cried out in unison and that was that.

  Putting the gear back in, Mrs Bennet started the car again and with a determined mien began driving towards the house.

  Netherfield Park was indeed buzzing with activity. Okay, perhaps activity was the wrong word, for it would have implied some kind of organisation, and that was clearly lacking. Whoever was filming here, and there was little doubt that that was what was going on, obviously did so in complete chaos. Cars, vans and lorries were parked nilly-willy everywhere. In between them people ran around like headless chickens, though perhaps not with quite as much brains, and equipment had been seemingly dropped at random. At least her fears seemed to be unjustified, for the few actors she could spot among the crew-members wore historical costumes. Phew!

  They had barely gotten out of the car, however, when both Mr Bingley and Mr Darcy came running towards them, both looking flustered and slightly red in the face and clearly not from exertion.

  'Ah, how good to see you!' Mr Bingley exclaimed breathlessly, reaching out his hand.

  'Yes, very lovely that you've come to visit us,' Darcy added, sounding as if he was close to choking.

  'Oh, it is nothing! We've long since wanted to come over,' Mrs Bennet beamed at them. 'Lydia just happened to overhear that you've got a film team on site and you know how young girls are...'

  Long since wanted to come over? Mr Bingley had barely arrived a week ago and it was only on Friday they had met for the first time.

  'Yes, Mr Bingley, we are so excited. Do you think you could ask for Kitty and me to be extras in the film?' Lydia begged, making good use of her famed puppy-face. 'That would be so cool!'

  Charles Bingley looked close to fainting at these words and his smile was slightly forced, while Mr Darcy looked like he wished the ground would open up beneath him and swallow him whole. Elizabeth knew that feeling very well, and that was despite being used to her family.

  So that was what Kitty and Lydia had been whispering about in the back seat of their van. She should have known.

  'I mean we've even got costumes, right?' Kitty nudged her favourite sister.

  'Well... - I am not sure. Perhaps that is... - I mean...' Bingley stammered, sounding increasingly agitated.

  'He wants to say “no”!' Darcy, at last, managed to find his voice again.

  'Oh, what a shame! But we can have a look around, can't we?'

  'We were asked to not... - disturb them,' was Bingley's evasive reply.

  'Oh, but we would be very quiet, not say a word and sneak around silently,' Lydia pouted but was firmly stopped in her tracks by both Darcy and Bingley blocking her way, panic clearly edged into their faces.

  'What kind of film is it anyway? Some historical romance?' their mother dug deeper, peeping over Darcy's broad shoulders to get a better view, standing on tip-toes.

  Shit, Darcy was a tall man!

  'Yes...- yes, a historical romance, that is quite right,' Bingley still stammered, and Elizabeth could have sworn that the corners of Darcy's mouth started to twitch at that, while at the same time cold sweat covered his forehead.

  'Wow, look at that lady over there!'

  Elizabeth recognised her immediately as the woman who had asked Darcy for the way the previous day. She seemed to look for something. Again.

  'Do you think I could get an autograph from her?' Lydia gasped excitedly.

  Before anybody could reply she had managed to slip through the barrier, by ducking her head and slipping through underneath Bingley's arm and had run towards the woman in question.

  'Is she wearing her contacts today?' Elizabeth couldn't help asking.

  Dryly Darcy replied: 'No, and neither does she carry her brain with her. Oh, and she's lost her driver's licence.'

  'I wonder why that is...'

  It was clear that Darcy wanted to reply something, but he didn't get to it, for, as if the chaos wasn't already big enough, suddenly there was a loud bang and then smoke drifted through the door of the stables and a moment later Darcy's horse ran out in full gallop, clearly spooked. Well, it was a nervous beast anyway even at the best of times.

  'Now this is just swell! Is there nothing these people can do right?' Darcy cursed, before running off.

  'Fire!' an almost completely naked man, stumbling out of the barn, cried out just as Darcy had rounded the corner and was now out of sight.

  A couple of crew members and a sobbing woman in her petticoats followed in his wake.

  'The hay has caught fire. Someone call 999!'

  Okay, her deductions had been right after all...

  Historical romance? Right! Most certainly not the kind Jane Austen had written.

  Taking off after Darcy she hoped that there was a garden hose somewhere. To wait for the fire brigade would have been the better option, surely, but she somehow doubted that they would manage to get through with all the vehicles in the way. Not with a fire engine. And then there was also the other horse...- Poor creature! No, she had to act.

  Hurrying into the stables while Mr Darcy tried to catch his bolted beast, she soon found that though the hay was indeed on fire, however, it was but a small flame still, and it obviously was wet hay anyway, which was why it was smoking so violently while at the same time not burning like tinder. Ha, and there was indeed a hose and it even dripped water. Good, at least something went right.

  Turning off the electricity, for thank goodness the fuse box was right next to the door, she reached for the nozzle pipe and was astonished herself at how quickly she managed to extinguish the flames. By the time she heard the sirens of the fire brigade, someone had obviously called after all, all was over and she had time to look around.

  If they had not lost their heads, this wouldn't have been much of a thing at all. But...

  The culprit was obviously one of the spotlights that lay on the floor. Well, these things could get extremely hot and as if to spite her, the warning sign that it was to be kept from flammable surfaces was clearly visible on the blackened metal. Figures!

  Ah, and there, on a small folding table holding various coffee mugs, was a bright pink bottle of the lube Caroline had purchased. A little bit of a dry spell, was there? Okay, stupid joke, admittedly.

  'What's going on? - Oh, hi Lizzy.'

  Ah, the cavalry at last...

  'He
llo Sam,' she sighed, though with a smile.

  In a village as small as Longbourn it was inevitable to know each and everybody. And Sam Jonson was actually their next door neighbour.

  'Everything is dandy. A bit of hay has caught fire that was all. What exactly happened, I don't know, but we happened to come by and I...'

  Okay, now she only had to manoeuvre herself strategically over to the side so he wouldn't see anything conspicuous.

  'And so you though you'd take matters into your own hands,' Sam finished with a grin, before informing his colleagues via his radio that everything was fine and under control.

  'Yeah,' Elizabeth shrugged.

  'Do you know what's going on here? It looks very busy. Hell, we could hardly get through with all these cars parked randomly in the driveway. Are they making a film or something? Looks like it, don't you think? Anyway, I need to speak to the owner about the incident before something else happens. Do we need to call a doctor?'

  “Psychiatrist, asap! - Or better a whole army of them,” Elizabeth thought, but with a smile only shook her head.

  There couldn't be too few words lost over this.

  Right behind her suddenly a horse neighed softly, almost making her jump out of her skin. Oh, she'd almost forgotten about it.

  Stumbling Elizabeth turned around only to see it dozing calmly in its stall again as if it had not a care in the world.

  Bloody creature! There she had just saved its life and now it played tricks on her.

  'Vet?' Sam asked then startled, now that she had stepped away his eyes had caught the pink bottle...

  'No, the horse seems fine, too.'

  'Right... - Must be some hot kind of movie if even the hay caught fire...' Sam muttered under his breath, the corners of his mouth twitching.

  Stepping outside again, Sam in tow, Elizabeth could see Mr Darcy some way off in the distance, still darting after his beast. Oops, that was a rabbit hole, she presumed. Judging by his progress, it could be a good while until he would be back, plus, he was now limping. Poor sod!