Toward the Sound of Chaos

by Carmen Jenner

  “We ain’t broken down no more,” Gunner says, winking bright blue eyes at me. “Relax. We’ll be home before you know it.”

  “All y’all get back to the trucks,” I shout to my men. Jones just looks at me. “That means you, too.”

  “You gotta spring me from that team, Sarge—bunch of pasty-assed, braindead motherfuckers. I don’t belong with them. Switch me out with Ace; they can geek-speak to one another in Klingon or some shit.”

  “Get back to the truck, Jones.”

  “Come on, sir. We’re practically neighbors, you and me.”

  “Truck. Now,” I order, and turn my attention to Ace and Lucky who are literally having a pissing contest against a nearby wall. Jesus Christ. It’s like babysitting a bunch of toddlers.

  A rusted out pickup speeds around the corner on screeching tires and comes to a halt thirty yards from where we stand. All my men go on alert, their rifles raised and at the ready. “Hold your fire,” I shout.

  An older man sits in the driver’s seat, watching us as the car idles.

  “Sarge?” Jones says beside me in a warning tone. “He’s going for the glove box, sir. Permission to shoot the towelheaded motherfucker in the head before he blows this village sky-high.”

  “Hold your fire, Jones,” I command. I grit my teeth and dart my gaze left and right, scanning the road and surrounding buildings for an even bigger threat than our new friend.

  “Sarge.”

  “Stand the fuck down, Lance Corporal!” I inch forward as I shout to the Afghani man, “Put your hands up and get out of the vehicle.”

  He sits and watches. His hands are raised, but the windshield is thick with dust so it’s impossible to make out his facial expression.

  Movement—he opens the door and steps out. He’s drenched in sweat, that much I can see from the way his kameez sticks to him, but who the fuck isn’t sweating in this heat?

  “Get down on the ground,” I command.

  The man speaks to us in Pashto. I understand about every fifth word: Allah, glory, death.

  “Ace, help me out here,” I shout. “What the fuck is he sayin’?”

  Ace takes a step back, his gun still trained on the man as he glances at me. “Death. Death to all who forsake Allah.”

  The man reaches inside his vest, and I pull the trigger. He hits the ground with a thud. Blood seeps out across the dust, and the shots ring in my ear.

  I take a deep breath, and my men holler. Jones pats me on the back and exhales in a rush. “You had me worried for a minute there, sir.”

  Lucky jumps up and down like a chimpanzee on crack. He salutes the dead man by giving him the finger. “Take that, motherfucker.”

  Gunner chuckles and shakes his head in disbelief as he moves around to the driver’s side of the Humvee. “See, what’d I tell ya? Home before you know it.”

  I open my mouth to give the command for everyone to get back in the truck, but Ace takes several steps toward the body and the world rocks on its side. The blast is so sudden, so quick that one second Ace is walking toward us, the next he explodes in a cloud of dust and red. I’m on the ground, thrown away from the truck. My whole body screams with white-hot pain. Dust and what I’m sure must be blood cover my face.

  I cough and crawl through the desert sand until I stumble on one of my brothers. Jones. He chokes on the blood bubbling up out of his mouth. I crawl closer, unable to move faster for the pain. The dust hasn’t settled, and I can barely see a thing save for his dark skin and bright red blood against it.

  “Hang on, Jones,” I shout. I assume I shout, ’cause I can’t hear a fucking thing. Where are the rest of my men?

  I reach out and grab Jones’s shoulder. He begins convulsing, and I hold him down, tryin’ to pry his jaw open so he won’t swallow his tongue. “Don’t you fuckin’ quit on me, Jones; we still haven’t given you that transfer. You wanna die beside those Klingon cocksuckers?”

  I don’t even know if the rest of the team are still alive. I can’t see past Jones’s shoulder, and I can’t hear jack-shit. The fitting seems to have slowed but his brow is caked with sweat and blood, and the dust around us is as thick as Lucky’s skull.

  When a bomb goes off in Afghanistan, all that’s left is dust and fear, because you can’t see a fucking thing, and adrenaline plays tricks on you. It makes your blood pump faster, it makes you feel alive when you should be dead, and it masks the pain completely. It’s when the pain starts creeping back in that you have yourself a problem, and me? I’m getting real close to having a problem.

  Jones’s breath comes in pants, too fast for him to be taking in oxygen that might do him any good. His eyes go wide, and he stops convulsing—he stops breathin’ altogether.

  “Jones,” I yell. My head swims and I pat my hand down his chest. His abdomen is soaked with blood, but beyond that, there’s nothing—just wetness and a gaping maw of flesh and bone where his stomach should be. The kid was ripped apart.

  My stomach clenches, and I’m about to lose my guts when my nerves all clamor at once. The signals are all messed up. I try to move my feet, and my arm twitches. I can’t move my left arm for the pain.

  I stare down at the blood seeping through my fatigues. Nausea rolls over me again. I go down like a ton of bricks. I’m numb, flat on my back in the dust, hurt, bleedin’, and too damn tired to keep on fightin’ so I close my eyes.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Ellie

  Spencer had a bad night. So bad that I’d spent the entire evening consoling him in his bed, in mine, and at one point in the kitchen when he decided the beds and the couch were too hot. He’d wet himself at school yesterday, and the other kids had made fun of him. I’d gotten a call to come pick him up right after Jake left his lawyer and me standin’ in the Fairhope police department lot, scratchin’ our heads.

  I’d been worried sick all night and hadn’t slept a wink. I felt like hell. My son needed me. Jake needed me. There was never a question of who needed me more, or where I should be. I would always put Spencer first, but it didn’t stop the guilt from practically suffocating me. I didn’t know how to be everything they both needed, and I was terrified of letting either one of them down.

  As I expected, we hadn’t seen Jake at the park this morning, and the second I’d dropped Spencer off at school, I headed for Sea Cliff Drive. All morning I’d had this niggling feeling in my gut. There was something terribly wrong, I just knew it. It’s why I sat in my car staring up at that big house, too scared to go in. Too afraid of what I might find.

  A gust of wind hits me as I walk up the front porch steps. I knock, but there’s no answer. I turn the knob, and push it open the remainder of the way and head inside. My legs tremble as I climb the staircase and make my way down the hall toward his bedroom.

  I carefully push open the bedroom door. Jake sits on the edge of the bed, his eyes squeezed tightly closed, a pistol in his mouth. I gasp and cover my mouth with my hand. He doesn’t look at me.

  Nuke barks and scratches at the other side of the bathroom door. He’s desperate to get out, to reach his owner. That’s what he’s supposed to do, to save Jake, and he can’t do that because Jake has locked him in the bathroom.

  “Jake?” I whisper. I don’t know where he is right now, but my Jake, the Jake I know isn’t seated on the edge of the bed. This is Jake the Marine. This is the Jake that frightens me, the one I never cared to meet again. I sob, “Jake, honey, put the gun down.”

  His eyes snap open. He looks at me as if he doesn’t know me. His hands are steady; they don’t tremble like mine do.

  “Honey, you’re scaring me. Set the gun down, please?” I beg through my tears. “You don’t want to do this.”

  He removes the gun from his mouth, and blinks several times, as if he’s confused. The first sob is a loud guttural cry, after that, his face contorts in pain, but no sound comes from his mouth. I’ve never seen a man so ruined, so broken. My heart squeezes, but I don’t go to him because his hand is still on the t
rigger, and one wrong move and Spencer might not have a mamma no more. “It hurts so fucking much. I just want it to stop. Why won’t it stop, Elle?”

  “I know, honey. I’m here, but I can’t help you while you’re holding that thing.” I nod toward the Glock and ease closer to the bed. It takes a beat for him to hit the magazine release and disarm the gun. Jake hands me the clip and pulls the slide release back violently. A shiny gold bullet pops out of the ejection port and he catches it midair, checks the barrel, and releases the slide. It’s second nature to him, like knowing what angle I have to cut a client’s hair on in order to create perfect layers. He passes the gun and the single bullet to me, and I place them both in my purse.

  My voice tremors as I say, “Why is Nuke locked in the bathroom?”

  He don’t answer; he just stares at a spot on the carpet by my feet. Now that I can breathe again, I survey the room: tangled sheets, half-empty bottle of whiskey on the nightstand, and a tiny orange bottle of pills. “I’m going to let him out, okay?”

  I open the door, and Nuke about knocks me over in an effort to get to Jake. He nudges into his owner’s lap, but he may as well not be there for all the attention Jake pays him.

  “You need to stop shutting this dog out. I know you’re hurting, but you’re not letting him do what he was trained to do.”

  “I don’t want to hurt no more, angel,” he slurs. “I don’t wanna be the one left behind. I’m done. I can’t do this no more. Those men were my brothers, and I couldn’t save them. I couldn’t save Gunner or Jones. I couldn’t save any of them.”

  “No one could, Jake.” I say, softly. “You know that, in your heart you know, but suicide is not the answer. You’re stronger than this.”

  “I’m not like this ’cause I want to kill myself, Elle. I’m this way because I can’t,” he shouts and rakes a hand through his hair, pulling so hard I’m afraid he’ll scalp himself. “I got nothing to live for, and yet I still can’t pull the trigger. It isn’t war that destroys you—it’s the guilt. It’s being the one left behind, the one saved. That’s what they don’t tell you.”

  “You got nothin’ to live for? What about us?” I yell, quickly losing my temper. “What about Spencer and Nuke? I know what you went through wasn’t fair, but—”

  “Not fair?” he says incredulously, his voice pitched low and angry. I think I preferred the shouting. “They butchered my men in front of me; they blew half of ’em up, and tortured the others until their bodies gave out. They made me a monster, Elle. What’s not fair is that they didn’t finish the job before those Green Berets found me. That is what’s not fuckin’ fair.”

  I inhale a shaky breath, tryin’ as best I can to keep the tears at bay. “You don’t mean that.”

  “Yes,” he says through his teeth. “I do.”

  I stalk over to the nightstand and pick up the bottle. He grabs my arm and pulls me to him. “What are you doin’?”

  “You can be as mean a son-of-a-bitch as you want, but all of this is the whiskey talkin’,” I say, wrenching out of his grasp, “and I will not stand by and let you drink yourself to death.”

  He laughs. “Darlin’, I’m already dead.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Jake

  The way Elle’s eyes fill with tears hits me like a sledgehammer to the chest. She pushes past with the bottle of whiskey, heading for the door.

  I let her go. There’s plenty more where that came from.

  She turns abruptly, her face red, tears now flowing freely down her cheeks. I wanna wipe them away, but I don’t deserve to touch her. Not like this. “You know what really hurts, Jake, is that you can’t even see what’s right in front of you.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “Me,” she whispers. “I’m right here. I don’t pretend to understand what you went through, and maybe the possibility of a future with me don’t matter to you, but it matters to me. You matter to me. I love you, Jake, but I can’t watch you destroy yourself.”

  “What did you say?” I move closer.

  She takes a step back. Her gaze searches mine and she whispers, “I said I love you.”

  “Then you’re stupid.” I snatch the bottle from her hand.

  Elle flinches and a sob breaks free from her chest. She closes her eyes and nods. “Yeah, I guess I am.”

  “I can’t be responsible for you and your kid. I can’t even look after my own damn self, and if you were any kind of mother, you wouldn’t want me around Spencer.”

  The sharp sting of her palm meeting my cheek is a welcome relief. I got so used to being hit when I talked back that I crave it. I push too far and pray for violence to ensue because it’s the only way I know I’m still alive. It cements the fact that I’m still here, serving out my penance, trudging through this purgatory we call life.

  Her gaze razes me where I stand and she brings her hand up again, but I catch her wrist and draw it to me, draw her to me, pressing in against her warm body. She gives a choked cry, her eyes wide and fearful as she stares up at me. I realize I’m holding her too tight. I’m crushing her wrist and I didn’t even know it. She jerks away but I pull her back, which causes her to struggle more.

  “I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.”

  “Let me go.”

  “Angel—”

  “Don’t you dare,” she hisses, attempting to pull free of my grasp. “Let me go, Jake.”

  I do as she asks. I let her go. I watch her run out of my room and down the stairs. The front door is open, and she disappears through it as if hell’s hounds were chasing her.

  I follow in her wake like a ghost, there but not there, watching on helplessly, unable to stop her as she slams the car door behind her and shoves the keys in the ignition. The engine roars to life, and she throws it into reverse and backs out of my driveway with tears in her eyes.

  I open the half-empty bottle of whiskey in my hand. Nuke whines and jumps up at me, but I ignore him and take a deep pull from the bottle. I kick over several pieces of outdoor furniture until the familiar sound of splintering wood calms my frayed nerves some, and then I sit down in my chair and drink to being alone, because it’s better than hurtin’ the ones you love. It’s better than finding out that I’ve attacked her in the middle of the night during a bad dream. It’s better than allowing her to plan a future with a man who’s always one step away from pullin’ the trigger. It’s better than leaving her heartbroken when I finally do grow a pair and blow my brains out all over the bedroom wall.

  I raise my bottle in salute to the vast, empty yard that’s somehow too small to contain all my demons.

  To being alone.

  Chapter Thirty

  Ellie

  “Spencer Mason,” I say, stalking across the road to Mr. Williams house. He’s been spending a lot more time here on Williams’s front porch these last two days that Jake hasn’t been around. “I about called you eight times to go wash up for dinner. Now get your little butt home.”

  “I ain’t hungry, Mamma.” He glares up at me from the pages of his book.

  “Oh, I am so sure. Just an hour ago you were trying to take a bite out of the pantry door. Now scoot,” I say. He reluctantly hands the book back to Williams and gets up.

  “Bye, Mr. Williams.”

  Williams nods. “I got another book on the Vietnam War inside somewhere. I’ll leave it out for you.”

  “Okay.”

  “What do you say?” I prompt.

  “Thank ya, sir.”

  “You quit sassing your mamma, you hear?”

  “Yes, sir.” As Spence trundles past me, I get a very distinctive whiff of chocolate and peanut butter. I pull Spence up by the shirt collar, which of course he hates, because while I may not be touching him, to him touching his shirt is equally as bad. He struggles. “Let go.”

  I release my hold on his shirt and fold my arms over my chest. “Did you spoil your dinner with Nutter Butters again?”

  Mr. Williams discreetly moves the jar of Nu
tter Butters behind him, and I fold my arms over my chest.

  “No, ma’am.”

  “Don’t you lie to me, Spencer Mason. You know how I feel about you having sugar.”

  “It weren’t but a couple of cookies,” Williams says, “What’s the harm?”

  “The harm is that now he won’t sleep until midnight.”

  He frowns. “Was he awake until midnight last night?”

  I stare blankly at the old man. “Spencer, march your little butt over the road and wash up.”

  “But Mamma . . .”

  “Now,” I say, in a tone that brooks no argument. He walks, though it looks more like a death march with the way he drags his feet.

  “Let the boy live a little.”

  “Mr. Williams, I appreciate you spending time with him. I appreciate that you and he share a bond, and to be honest at times it’s been a God-send. You’ve been more than kind to the two of us, but I’ll thank you not to feed my child processed foods and sugars. We keep him on a strict healthy diet because it helps keep his SPD to a minimum.”

  “Gah.” Williams waves me off. “SPD, ADHD, OCD, all these letters. When I was a kid, none of this stuff existed. If your brain worked differently than someone else’s, you just got on with it. You’re gonna riddle his brain with more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese with all those shrinks you take him to.”

  “Spencer doesn’t see a shrink, Mr. Williams. It takes a team of different doctors and specialists to look after him.”

  He makes a tsking sound. “What do they know about being inside his head?”

  “A lot more than we do,” I snap and exhale a deep breath, because he doesn’t deserve my anger. “You know they could probably help out with your agoraphobia.”

  “Agora-what?”

  “It’s a fear of being in open spaces. For some, it’s a fear of leaving their house,” I say pointedly.

  “I left the house a few nights ago.”

  I shake my head impatiently. I don’t have time for one of his tall tales right now. “I’m not trying to pressure you, Mr. Williams, I’m just saying that maybe it would help sometime to go and talk to someone. Or have them come here.”