Toward the Sound of Chaos

by Carmen Jenner

  “That’s bullshit, and you know it. You’re scared—”

  “Yeah, I am. I’m terrified.”

  “I’m not.” He takes my free hand between his. “Angel, if war taught me anything at all it’s not to put off what we want. It’s to not be stupid when it comes to following your heart.”

  “Are you callin’ me stupid?”

  “Damn right I am. What you’re doin’ is stupid, making me jump through hoops, thinkin’ I won’t win. I ain’t ever played a game and lost. I know you’re scared, and that Spence is your number-one concern. He’s mine, too. The two of you pulled me out of the darkness and now I’m giving you back that light, ’cause I don’t need it if I got you.”

  “Jake—”

  “Would you shut up already with your goddamn excuses? Answer me something,” he says. “When I kiss you, does it feel right? Not just nice, or sweet, but deep down in your gut, does it feel right?”

  I look out over the gulf, afraid to meet his eyes when I say, “Yes.”

  “Then what else is there to think about?” He leans in, grabbing my ice-cream and tossing it aside, and then my face is between his sticky fingers as his lips crash down on mine. I rake my hands through his hair, forgetting where we are, and that we’re both in full view of the fisherman who begins clapping at the show we give him.

  I pull back and laugh, resting my forehead against Jake’s as I stare into deep sapphire eyes.

  “Do you trust me?”

  I take a deep breath. Do I? I don’t know. I’ve been hurt by men before—hell, I’ve been hurt by this man before, but I’ve survived. My head and heart have been at war since the day I first laid eyes on Jake Tucker, and here he is, standing before me, waving the white flag and begging me to throw down mine, too. I’ve spent so long protecting my heart, protecting Spencer’s, that I forgot to listen to what it really wanted. If I’m quiet now, and I listen real hard, I know the answer to that question. Surrender is inevitable for both of us, so I kiss him, and I never stop.

  Epilogue

  Ellie

  Eight months later

  “Let me take it,” Jake says, and I shoo him away as I carry the tea tray out onto the front porch.

  “I got it.” I wrench it out of his grasp, and the pitcher of iced tea wobbles as if it might fall. I stand still long enough for him to snatch the tray up and set it down beside my chair. “I just said I got it, didn’t I?”

  “I wouldn’t argue with her, Jake. She don’t like to be sassed,” Spencer says, and I shake my head.

  “Men.” I throw my hands up in exasperation.

  “Well, your mamma may not like to be sassed, but I don’t care for her being stubborn, so she’s gonna listen or I’m gonna pick up the phone and call her doctor,” Jake says, and tosses the ball to Spencer.

  “Well I gotta do something or I’m gonna wind up looking like an overfed cow now that I’m no longer working the salon,” I say, fed up with this whole thing.

  I’d closed Big Bama Hair when we moved into Jake’s, but I’d also heard that Rachel Redgrave was looking to sell her salon downtown, and it had just seemed like a smart investment. I mean, for one thing, all those women were about to lose their jobs, and for another, Mr. Williams had left us enough money to send Spencer to college three times over and ensure I was a kept woman, but I couldn’t sit still long enough to put my feet up. Not working hadn’t really been an option for me—much to Jake’s annoyance.

  Not that he can really talk. He works with Olivia full-time now. The expansion had grown the entire organization, and people came from all around to adopt her dogs and participate in the training program. On top of that, Jake also runs weekly Tuesday meetings for Combat PTSD Survivors. It’s the only one like it in two counties and is desperately needed. He hasn’t seen a nightmare in nigh on two months, which is progress. And Spencer and Nutters? Well, nothing holds those two boys down.

  We had a hell of a fight with the school board trying to get approval for a dog on the premises, but after one week’s trial, every one of Spencer’s teachers said he was less disruptive to the class, the meltdowns were fewer, and the other kids were socializing with him more too. We haven’t managed to get him into any sort of team sports yet, but I’m not holding my breath for that one. While the rest of this town might be football obsessed—Roll Tide—my boys are happier avoiding the noise and chaos of the Friday night lights and tossing the ball back and forth in our own front yard.

  “Spence, go long,” Jake says, as he swings his arm back and waits for Spencer to move to the opposite end of the yard. He lobs the football, and that’s all I see before I’m swept up in a honeymoon hold.

  “Let me go, Jake Tucker.”

  “Not on your life, angel.” He eases me onto the front porch swing and leans down to kiss me. “Not even if you ask me nicely. Put your feet up, Elle. I ain’t gonna tell you again.”

  “You are not the boss of me, Tucker.”

  “Wanna make a bet?” He grins and whistles to his dog. “Nuke. Guard.”

  “That is not fair,” I complain, as Nuke jumps up on the loveseat beside me and barks in my direction. “Fine, I’m putting my feet up, but you can make dinner.”

  “Done. Spence,” he calls over his shoulder, never once taking his eyes from me, “pizza alright for you, buddy?”

  “Hell yeah,” Spencer says, slamming the ball on the ground as if he just scored a touchdown.

  “Hey, watch your mouth, mister,” I warn.

  Jake pulls a stool over and picks up my legs one at a time, gently placing them on the poufy cushioned seat. “You move and your ass is mine tonight.”

  “You know that’s not much of a deterrent,” I say, attempting to heft myself out of the love seat. “I think I’ll get up and make dinner.”

  “Don’t tempt me, Elle.” Jake gently pushes my shoulders down and gives me one of those lopsided grins. He pats Nuke on the head, and then squats down in front of me. Jake presses a beautiful, scarred hand to my overly large belly. “Okay, princess, I’m gonna level with ya. Your mother is kind of a pain in the ass, so I’m giving you permission to kick her if she budges. That’s an order, Marine.”

  She moves, her tiny foot kicking the palm of his hand. I swear on all things holy I’m growing an Olympic swimmer in here. Guess I shouldn’t be all that surprised, considering she was conceived on the pier beach during our date that night because we couldn’t wait until we got home.

  “Traitor,” I tell them both.

  “That’s my girl.”

  “Come on, Jake,” Spencer whines.

  “Nuke, eat her if she moves.”

  The dog beside me whines, and I ruffle his ears as Jake bounds down the stairs towards Spencer and Nutters. They throw the ball around some more as the sun sets behind the trees. I pick up the jug and pour a little iced tea in my glass.

  “What do you think, Nuke?” I ask between sips. “Should we keep him?”

  “Woof.”

  “Yeah, I think so, too.” I stroke Nuke’s fur and watch my boys, and I can’t believe how lucky I am. It’s been a long, hard road for all of us, but it just works—Jake, me, Spence, the dogs, and soon a little girl.

  My husband may not be perfect, and things may not always be easy between us. There are some very black days where we fight and scream, or he retreats into himself, and there are times when I’m frightened he might turn to the bottle again, but he made me a promise eight months ago and I trust that he’ll stick to it. I won’t change that man for anything, because our love may be chaos but I’d rather run toward it than run away.

  There’s no bravery in running away, but there can be in surrender. Sometimes to surrender to someone else’s chaos is the bravest thing you can do.

  About the Author

  Carmen Jenner is a thirty-something, USA TODAY and international bestselling author of the Sugartown, Savage Saints, and Taint series.

  Her dark romance, KICK (Savage Saints MC #1), won Best Dark Romance Read in the Reader’s C
hoice Awards at RWDU 2015.

  A tattoo enthusiast, hard core lipstick addict and zombie fangirl, Carmen lives on the sunny north coast of New South Wales, Australia, where she spends her time indoors wrangling her two wildling children, a dog named Pikelet, and her very own man-child.

  A romantic at heart, Carmen strives to give her characters the HEA they deserve, but not before ruining their lives completely first … because what’s a happily ever after without a little torture?

  Stay up to date with Carmen’s latest works at: http://www.carmenjenner.com

  More from the Author

  Welcome to Sugartown (Sugartown Series #1)

  Enjoy Your Stay (Sugartown Series #2)

  Greetings from Sugartown (Sugartown Series #3)

  Now Leaving Sugartown (Sugartown Series #4)

  KICK (Savage Saints MC #1)

  TANK (Savage Saints MC #2)

  REVELRY (Taint #1)

  Coming Soon

  Harley and Rose

  CLOSER (Taint #2)

  HURT (Taint #3)

  JETT (Savage Saints MC #3)

  GRIM (Savage Saints MC #4)

  KILLER (Savage Saints MC #5)

  Acknowledgements

  With great books comes great responsibility—in thanking the team of wonderful people who help you bring them to life, that is. This book tested my limits on an emotional and physical level—carpal tunnel, anyone? But, Toward the Sound if Chaos would not have been possible without the help of the following people:

  To my darling non-husband Ben, you are my EVERYTHING! Thanks for being my confidante, my soul mate, my sounding board, for tormenting me as only you can, for reminding me to laugh, for kicking my butt when I doubted myself, and for being my hands for the last month. Read my damn books already!

  Ava Rose and Ari Danger, I love you more than the sun, and more than the stars, and more than the moon, and more than mars, and WAY MORE THAN … CHICKENS!

  To my gorgeous family both blood and extended, I LOVE YOU! Mum, thanks for taking me to the doctor and forcing me to look after myself when all I could see was that looming deadline.

  To my beautiful beta readers Kristine Barakat, Kristina Zolnar and Nicole McCurdy you girls rocked this book so hard. Thank you for being so patient with me, and for your willingness to drop whatever you were doing and read more chapters.

  Kristina, thank you for your advice on the southern side of things, your mad proofing skills, and for the gorgeous pics of Fairhope. I’m still reeling over the fact that you connected so much with this book that you decided to take your family to that gorgeous little town. I hope you’re prepared to beta all my books from now on?

  Nicole, thank you for allowing me a glimpse into what life is like for ASD families. Getting that right was possibly the scariest part of writing this novel for me, so your kind words helped more than you’ll ever know and I’m forever grateful.

  Kristine, thank you for talking me down off the ledge, for being the one to listen to hours upon hours of rambling book thoughts and for being as excited about Jake and Ellie’s story as I was. More than lipstick, lady!

  Lauren McKellar from McStellar Editing, gargantuan amounts of fuzzy puppy thanks to you for always going above and beyond. I feel privileged to be one of your clients, and I can’t thank you enough for all that you do.

  To the ridiculously talented Hang Le, who created the most perfect cover for Jake and Ellie’s story, and whose creativity knows no bounds. I don’t think you realize just how incredible you are. It’s a joy to work with you, and I’m so fortunate to have had your magic bring Jake Tucker to life.

  Heartfelt thanks to Emily from E. M. Tippetts Book Designs. You and your team are superstars. Here’s to many more beautiful interiors together.

  Huge thanks to Mike—I’m leaving your surname out of it so as not to get you in trouble with the Corps—without whom the Military side of this book may have been seriously lacking. Any shortcomings in this area are mine, but I hope I did you and your brothers proud. Thank you for your service.

  Special thanks to Lilly Barrett for the Military insight you provided, and to Bec Kleinschmidt for the extra info when dealing with Sensory Processing Disorder.

  To my Sugar Junkies, who give me so much love and support and who constantly promote my work without ever having to be asked. THANK YOU! You girls are the reason I continue to write, and I can’t tell you what it means to read your reviews and kind words and know that someone out there loved something I created.

  To the lovely ladies of The Rock Stars of Romance, thank you for hosting the cover reveal and release day blitz for Toward the Sound of Chaos. You girls have supported me from my debut novel right through until the ninth and I’m so honoured to be one of your rock stars.

  And finally a huge, heartfelt THANK YOU to the readers, bloggers and fellow authors who read, support, pimp, review, and who follow me faithfully no matter which genre I write or how much I make you cry. Without you the stories in my head would just be tales I tell myself that would likely have me committed.