Renia's Diary

by Renia Spiegel

  APRIL 6, 1941

  It was so wonderful, so blissful and now it’s gone like a dream, the fairy tale is over. Up until now I was still preoccupied with this Sunday, but now, you know, I’m choking with anger and I’m glad at the same time! Yes, I’m glad that I spoiled the good mood of his afternoon! I’m glad I won’t show up tomorrow at break time. I will show him, just you wait.

  The devil sent him and Irka, and, of all days, on the day when I was considering the issue of Irka and Zygo! I was just imagining the most fantastical images of Irka and Zygu in romantic poses, when I met them together in the evening. At first I wanted to run away, but we played a good trick with Nora—lucky that this building has two entrances! Ah! I got some satisfaction! Wait, you think that I’ll watch you embracing Irka in my presence and at the same time watching my reaction? Go caress her, walk with her, call her even more tender names, but I’ll play on your nerves, I’ll play you Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony so that you’ll remember me, you prat, so that you realize what it means to vex a jealous woman in love. I know that Maciek annoys you. So I’ll use Maciek to get on your nerves. “Your conscience can be absolutely clear that it is because of you that I don’t study.” Anyway, none of your business. Zygu! If you only knew that I’m on the verge of tears and how terribly I hate you right now. And with what pleasure I’ll take revenge on you, even if it hurts you a lot. Now, God Almighty! I’m in despair, I don’t know what I’m writing and I so badly want it to be tomorrow already!!! Ah, Bulczyk, if you knew my suffering and my hatred!! You will help me, Buluś and God.

  APRIL 12, 1941, SATURDAY

  This week was somewhat sweet and hazy and I felt like that too—somewhat hazy, I was in a so-so mood. Irka kept sneering at me, but she realized that nothing came of it and she almost erupted. Anyhow she is flirting with Z For what reasons—I don’t know. And him? I don’t know (he keeps badmouthing her in front of me). Do you remember?

  On Sunday we made plans with Z to go to the movies and Irka knows about it, because I told her and she would like to worm her way in. I’m saying no so far, but I am furious. I’m trying with all my might not to show it, but I’m only partially successful. Irka actually told him that she’s looking for love, that she’s missing something. All very nice, I understand, but I would prefer she looked elsewhere and not at Z. Everybody knows about us now, including the students, the teachers, even Mrs. Polak who saw us from a distance, but not me.

  Tomorrow we have an evening with my poetry reading. I’m not happy about it; I’m very embarrassed. And then there’s a party. I’m not in the mood for a party. I don’t know; I’m scared! I’m terribly scared of any party. No, I’m in no mood and I would rather go to the movies, but—with him, thank you very much for the rest. Anyway he can bend over backward. Do you know that today is a

  holy day—holy day—holy day

  not like any other day

  In my despair I tried to find some oblivion in aphorisms and started writing on the subject.

  What is love’s worth

  if you need to worry?

  Bitterness, no mirth

  it only carries

  Each slope on earth

  causes much misery

  What is love’s worth

  if you have to worry

  Do you know that everybody thinks that we have already … ha ha ha. And I could say something about it. I understand it myself, but, well, I’m still stupidly scared of love and tomorrow’s party, but … You will help me, Buluś and God.

  APRIL 13, 1941, SUNDAY

  There was supposed to be a party. But! Wasn’t this better than one hundred regular dancing parties? Better than swirling in circles in a crowded room? Not letting Maciek and Poldek keep me there after the cheering of “author, author” and instead going far away arm in arm with my wonderful Zyguś? Listening to his tender words, sitting in the cinema with him (and almost, almost, ah…) and returning home at 12? Well? Wasn’t it better?

  I really should stop worrying about silly things. After all I have firm evidence that Z loves me (mein Liebchen was…). Arianka stayed at the party. A wonderful, wonderful, wonderful evening. Let’s hope that this week we finally … oh! Buluś, really. Z left the party because he was jealous of me.

  APRIL 17, 1941, THURSDAY

  Actually nothing happened today, neither today, nor yesterday. Life goes on as usual, i.e., we meet from time to time, walk arm in arm (I don’t know how to walk differently anymore), we talk, hum and we are very happy together. I mean I find it ah, blissful, angelic, sweet. And he? Must be the same, otherwise he wouldn’t be making plans about going to a party on the 1st “to belong to each other only,” like Maciek has said.

  I keep thinking all the time, recalling and dreaming, I daydream all the time at school. I can’t learn anything, I can’t talk about anything else than the moments when Z says, “Don’t be scared, I’m with you,” or “We had a tempestuous night,” “It’s only half past eleven.” It’s strange … Everybody thinks, nobody even doubts that we have already … But in fact we still haven’t, though it’s as if we have. Once it was raining and each word was said into hands, temples, with lips and heads, in whispers, ah! It gives me shivers. I don’t know … I don’t think … He wouldn’t be so refined as to agitate me to the utmost! And why am I writing today? Because it’s raining and everybody walks hunched, and there’s commotion with Mom which I can’t even understand and I’m feeling wishy-washy, but still quite safe, because … Nora tells me that I “should be happy.” To be happy I need Mama and sun and (first child). I have those shivers, but it’s not because of the cold. “Are my eyes misty?”* Ah! I’m such a little animal, well …

  Sometimes those moments arrive

  especially in springtime, in May

  when thoughts like fine butterflies

  fly far out, in disarray

  They sway gently on trees

  with May tranquility elated

  highly thrilled and intoxicated

  look for the distant eyes these

  Eyes that are misty, filled with longing

  And then, as if a warning

  A voice breaks your thoughts with force

  Not ever reaching you, of course

  You are among the clouds in the sky

  clouds that are like a pink awning

  strolling through green fields, don’t deny

  everywhere seeing those brown eyes

  Eyes that are misty, filled with longing

  APRIL 18, 1941, SATURDAY*

  We didn’t make arrangements for this post office party, but we met in the street (how great) and went there together. I danced a bit with Julek B. and once with Zygu. I felt faint, so we left.

  Z was troubled today, but didn’t want to tell me what it was about. Things got really nice during the walk. At first he was apathetic, but then perked up and we couldn’t say goodbye by my gate.

  I will report the broken finger at the polyclinic and I am to tell father that it was caused by son’s sadism.

  Rena, study! We’ve wasted some precious moments in front of the pharmacy. A very nice goodbye, aha! I’m sleepy, but I feel a bit cozy, i.e., nice, that I’ll see him tomorrow at 6 p.m. Should I? You will help me, Buluś and God!

  APRIL 19, 1941, SUNDAY†

  I was waiting on the balcony, Zyguś came, tra la la!

  We went for a long walk, then to the movies, tra la la!

  My hand was so tiny

  barely visible next to his

  So Zyguś, oh so kindly

  covered it protectively with his.

  And since I don’t feel pain

  but have some moral distress

  Zyguś promised to abstain

  To never put me under duress.

  He won’t be in the bad husband category

  Like the one in the film or worse

  He will read poems for my glory

  He now lives and breathes verse.

  Come, poetry, let me take you in my arms

  Come,
pet, forget all the strife

  Eyes full of yawning, ringing alarm

  I’ll break away from the prose of life.

  Zyguś, my husband. He has a silky beard—who would have thought? Smooth hands, nice, it’s so good to stroke them lightly. There’s a piece of candy, which Z’ll bite first. That’s why he “wouldn’t be able to sleep by me.” I didn’t even understand the film; it was all about Zygu! Zygu! Zygu!

  I’m so stupid, I was thinking of my situation—and Nora’s, wondering if hers was perhaps better! But I love my beloved and we’re together and I can touch him and talk to him. Just that, but that’s a lot. I am to keep my fingers crossed for him and give him a mascot for his graduation exam. But he still needs to study, tough. Tomorrow at school. Bye, darling. Mama, if only you were here and could see it. You will help me, Buluś and God … You will, won’t You?

  APRIL 26, 1941, SATURDAY

  Some Saturday it was. Two days he wasn’t at school. Maciek tried some scheming! But what?! Silliness.

  Irka started flirting with Waldek like crazy, so I told her that he had a crush on me. I did it like a real woman. After all I only like Waldek a bit and I don’t really care about him. Same goes for Maciek, but still!

  Today I saw him … And then I heard a snippet of a conversation between Julek and C.G., “I’m astonished with Zygu.” I didn’t know it, but I instinctively felt it was about Zygu’s love, or rather Zygu’s fondness for me. It unnerved me so much that I got a headache and was in a really bad mood. I do really feel that on every level I’m not worthy of Zygu, that’s the truth … But who is? Nobody! There is no girl who has as many virtues as he does and who would love him as much as I do. Anyway it worried me. But in fact what do I care about Julek’s astonishment? Let him, why not. Oh, I’m being silly and that’s that. If Z wanted, he could find me, but it doesn’t matter. I am the one who loves the most; all I want in return is a bit of fondness, not love as big as mine. I’m happy with that—just that and so much at the same time! In fact we made plans for today last Sunday. But not exact ones. Do I know about what’ll happen? You will help me, Buluś and God. I doubt we will meet.

  APRIL 27, 1941, SUNDAY

  Tearful sky and a day somewhat somber

  Somewhat rainy, slippery, scornful

  Mama, on a day like today it would be good to have somebody, somebody close to my heart, dear, loved and loving. It could only be you. Mama, I’m so low. You know, sometimes I find excuses for Zygu. For example, he didn’t approach me and I said it was just because he couldn’t; he didn’t come to see me and I said it was just because he was feeling shy (it’s true that he is easily embarrassed!). But deep down in my heart I think that he … well, I don’t know. And finally today Granny started talking about it. Yes, Granny has a fair point, but her approach is very old-fashioned. Poor, dear Granny made a clumsy attempt to help me, but instead only lacerated my already bleeding heart. It will take a while for it to heal. And will it heal at all? I know now that J and T have decided to interfere with our love. Ah! It’s so nasty, this fighting and this day. I don’t know why this day feels so dirty.

  I don’t know why today’s so sad

  So cloudy and so bad

  Why are there so many cruel hours?

  Is it because of my tears?

  Everything is nondescript

  It’s so empty and so lonely

  I would like to have somebody picked

  To talk and to not feel lowly

  I would like to be somebody’s

  Tiny, beloved child

  To sit in mama’s custody

  By the old fireplace and smile …

  to listen to stories, make drawings

  to dream this very sweet dream

  to not know how hard is longing

  when a day like today gleams …

  Not to know it can be so sad

  Not to know it can be so bad

  Why are there so many cruel hours?

  Is it because of my tears?

  APRIL 28, 1941

  I saw Z today. Something was telling me to play offended, so I did, but then I melted completely as soon as he looked at me. It’s good. Even though those idiots made me doubt, it’s a trifle.

  There was a dance party at Irka’s today. I mean, it wasn’t a dance party, but boys from our class brought a gramophone and we danced. It was very nice; I had a good time. And it was Irka who told me that Krzyś had a crush on me! Which surprised me a lot, so I started watching him and it’s quite possible …

  Major asked how many boys have I seduced already, was it half a dozen? I said only one, but it isn’t true! Krzysiek is a very pretty, smart boy, but that doesn’t mean anything. I have Zygu; I love Zygu. Well, he is a bit lucky too. Let’s see what the next days bring … I am waiting, Z. Zyguś, it’s time. You will help me, Buluś and God.

  APRIL 29, 1941, TUESDAY

  Tuesday! A lot of commotion at school today with Zygu, with Ewa, with the letter etc. Zyguś tried to explain himself, said it was only ten minutes. It made me want to laugh. When I told him that I danced yesterday, he was angry, furious. We haven’t arranged to meet for a while now. You know how sensitive I am about it and then this terrible brat Arianka says, “You haven’t been out with Zygu for a while.” So I told her he was busy studying, to which this old person trapped in a young person’s body replies ironically, “Suppose so.” Aha!

  Nobody cares about me anymore in our circles. A friend from the trade college approached me today, asking if I wanted to go to a party, and if so he would get an invite for me. Do you get it? I’ll ask Z if he wants to go, otherwise I’ll say no. My wonderful, good, sweet, darling Z.

  We were out in town with Irka and a teacher from school. Waldek walked me home, he really does … this and that. And I’m a typical girl, why do I mess with his head? It’s instinctive.

  Norka is down. We went to visit her. She is unwell after yesterday’s dance party. She’s in bed, crying, worrying. Three parties like that in a row could break her. Poor Norka, I so feel for her. Some of it is her own fault, because she removes herself, but how can she not, when she lost faith in her own happiness and popularity? I believe that it’ll get better with time, that time will heal the wounds, but in the meantime I do know how hard it is for her. God, please make it all good for her again. I’ll write if anything, but so far nothing … You will help me, Buluś and God.

  APRIL 30, 1941, WEDNESDAY

  I am the unhappiest of unhappy people. Why did all the troubles come tumbling onto my head in one day? Why those two postcards from Mom? Why won’t I see her? Why did Zygu arrange to take Irka to a party? Why does he want to spite me (I’ll tell you about it later)? You know, I am going to go anyway. I’ll let myself be tortured. I can’t just give up altogether.

  Life is a battle

  The world a battlefield

  I’ll fight even though

  I don’t believe in victory

  Or perhaps I shouldn’t go? You will help me, Buluś and God.

  Oh, if you could only speak.

  11 P.M.!

  Glad I went. As it was, Z was in a so-so mood because of me. We danced a bit; I jived with Krzysiek and a bit more.

  Maciek has his own girlfriend now. Poldek is in love too and I’m left with Z, even though he is not sure of me and I am not sure of him. Ah, so many worries and troubles, but even that has its charm. There were plenty of couples dancing together, but I don’t know why ours felt somewhat unnatural. Perhaps because Zygu also danced with others. Anyway I’m terribly jealous, Z is too, a bit. We both suffer (or so I think). About Irka! Even about Irka, i.e., not just about her, but I am jealous when he shows her interest. He told me he wants Irka to come on Saturday. If she comes then he will come as well? Is that it? As he said, P. and M. are taken, my school backup won’t come, so I don’t know about the party. Perhaps I shouldn’t go … We might meet tomorrow. Well, we’ll see … Will we meet at all during those three days off? I would like that; I miss him.

 
Z remembers when we last … So he remembers too. I would really like to fall in love for a long time … Zyguś, I want to go on a date … Come on … You will help me, Buluś and God.

  MAY 1, 1941, THURSDAY

  Mama it would be so lovely

  To rest in your arms and cry

  To cry away my sorrows

  even die.

  To die or to sleep

  With all the beauty of youth

  And join forever our souls in truth

  And join forever in the peace and bliss

  To sail quietly to a haven

  Without tears or parting …

  Mama, you poor thing, my poor darling soul. Alone among strangers … Look, out the window I see a small boy hugging his mother, and I feel such sorrow, because I’d like to hug someone too, and complain, I’m so upset Mama, so very upset … Why, why did this bubble burst? Why does the first joy give me such sadness, so many tears. You know, I cried today, oh, cried for so long—from the heart … You know, I love him after all, and he … I have been waiting for so many months, yes, and I’ve thought about this spring dream as something holy, most wonderful. And he, oh God! How foul! So this is what his shyness and modesty are about!? Today at the march … but tell me, why was it like that? I’m not going to impose myself on you at all. No! I’m never going to take one more step, not even half, whatever for? No, Zygu, don’t worry, even if I were to suffer, I will step aside. Oh no! I won’t go to the party on Saturday or any other party; I won’t even try to meet you. It’s not true that you’re doing this out of love. Or maybe out of jealousy? And today is the first of May. The first day of the month of love and I, who had so believed in May (we’d had an arrangement after all) for those three days, must cry today. One thing, one thing bothers me: what was all this, because I don’t think it was nothing. Ah, I know. I know what it was like then, and I was sweet too. If I only impress him, then … No, I’m not saying I’m not in love, but I won’t impose myself either.

  Don’t cry my injured heart

  The arrow that wounds you won’t kill