by Joan Jonker
‘Nah, I’ll smoke it,’ Bobby said, grimacing as he puffed up. ‘I mean, I’m going to get your smoke up me nose, anyway!’
Nigel took a puff of his own cigarette, leaned an elbow on the steering wheel and said softly, ‘Do you feel like finishing what you were telling me, or would you rather not?’
‘There’s not much more to tell. It was a case of scrimping and scraping, with no enjoyment in life at all. But when I was twenty I got a shilling rise in me wages, and although I didn’t want to take it off her, me mam insisted I keep that shilling so I could go dancing again. She said a young lad was entitled to some pleasure, and as we’d never had the shilling before, we’d never miss it. She’s a cracker is my mam, and honest to God, Nige, I love the bones of her. Yer know from when we were kids and she used to have a go at us, that she’s got a big mouth. But her heart is twice as big.’
‘Have you had any girlfriends?’
‘One or two before me dad died, but none since ’cos I couldn’t afford one. And even though life will be easier for us now, with me on full pay and me mam keeping her jobs on until we straighten ourselves out, I’ve never met a girl I could fall for.’
Nigel raised his brows. ‘Not even Milly Jamieson?’
Bobby blushed. ‘Nah, she’s a good mate is Milly, and a smashing dancer, but that’s as far as it goes. I’ve no intention of getting serious with any girl for a long time ’cos I’ve got me mam to think of. She’s lost one man in her life, I don’t think she should lose another, not for a while.’
‘Things happen that we have no control over, Bobby; none of us know what the future holds. But I’m quite sure everything will work out well for you, and for your mother. And I’m glad you’ve filled me in on the ten years of your life I missed.’ Nigel turned the key in the ignition. ‘I asked if you wanted a ride in the car, and we’ve only come from Seaforth to Orrell Park. Do you want to turn back or carry on for a while?’
‘Ay, hang about, Nige! What about the ten years I didn’t see you? I know nothing about you, except yer got this car for yer flippin’ birthday.’
‘Until very recently, Bobby, my life was useless and boring. I will tell you about it sometime, but not tonight. Perhaps when I take you out for a driving lesson. How would that suit you?’
‘Yer really meant that about teaching me, then?’
‘I certainly did. I’d enjoy it.’
Bobby’s face was a picture of happiness as he rubbed his hands together. ‘That’s the gear, that, Nige! If I learned to drive I could try for a driver’s job at Owen Peck’s, where I work. They have vans and lorries to deliver the orders for wood, and drivers get about ten bob a week more than the labourers. Ooh, I’d be quids in – a millionaire!’
Nigel grinned. ‘You could afford to take Milly out one night.’
‘Will yer knock it off over Milly! I’ve told yer, she’s just a good mate.’ He tilted his head and, a cheeky grin on his face, asked, ‘Where was she going tonight with your Abbie?’
‘I thought she was just a good mate?’
‘She is! I’m just nosy, that’s all.’
‘They were staying in to have a good chinwag as far as I know. I’m supposed to be picking Abbie up at ten o’clock, and as it’s a quarter to now, I think we should head back home.’
‘I’ll come in with yer, just to say hello. And don’t yer be making anything of that, Nige, ’cos as I said, she’s just a good mate.’
‘Well, look what the cat dragged in!’ Milly opened the door to the two men. ‘I wasn’t expecting you, Bobby Neary. I hope yer haven’t been leading Nigel astray?’ She stood aside to let them pass. ‘The family are in the kitchen, as usual.’
Bobby’s smile covered everyone. ‘Yer haven’t brought yer daughter up proper, Mrs Jamieson. She’s got no manners at all. In fact, our cat’s got more manners.’
Beryl grinned. ‘I didn’t know yer had a cat, Bobby.’
‘We haven’t. But next door has, and I’m adopting it for the next five minutes so I can compare it to your daughter’s manners.’ He winked at Milly’s father. ‘She nearly barred me path, yer know, Mr Jamieson. And that black moggy what I’ve adopted for five minutes – well, she wouldn’t do that. She might hiss and spit, but she’d never bar me.’
Beryl went along with him. ‘That’s not like our Milly, she’s usually very well-mannered. Why don’t yer apologise, Milly, ’cos I think yer’ve hurt his feelings.’
Milly bent her knee to curtsy. ‘I’m very sorry Mr Neary, I wouldn’t hurt yer feelings for the world.’ Then she burst out laughing. ‘Feelings! What feelings! That cat he’s just adopted has got more feelings than him. And she’s better-looking.’
Nigel was watching Bobby’s face for a sign that Milly meant more to him than just a mate. But no, he couldn’t see any spark between the two. Then again, they weren’t likely to let anything show in front of her parents. And anyway, who was he to judge when he’d never had a real girlfriend? The only ones he’d ever met were girls singled out by Victoria for him to escort to a ball or dinner. All that was going to change now, though; he was going to be his own man in future.
‘How about a cuppa before yer go, Nigel?’ Beryl asked. ‘Won’t take a minute to make.’
‘I think Abbie wants to have an early night in bed, Mrs Jamieson. She’s got a big day ahead of her.’
‘So she’s been telling us,’ Bill said. ‘Standing on her own two feet and making her way in the world, eh?’
Bobby scratched his cheek as he looked at his friend. ‘Haven’t you got a big day ahead of yer, Nige?’
‘Not as big as Abbie’s. But I do have to be in work for eight o’clock.’
Abbie rested her chin on a curled fist as she studied Bobby. He’d always been full of life and on the go, but tonight he seemed brighter than usual. She’d even go as far as to say he was in a state of agitation. His eyes were shining, he was making wide sweeping movements with his arms, and his body reminded her of a coiled spring ready to shoot out and surprise someone. ‘What’s wrong, Bobby, has that blinking moggy got your tongue?’
‘Yer could say that, Abbie.’ He gave her a quick smile before turning to her brother and holding out his hands as though in prayer. ‘Are yer going to tell them, Nige, or not?’
‘What would you like me to tell them?’
‘Look, yer’ve forgotten already! Not half-an-hour ago, did you, or did you not, promise to teach me to drive a motor vehicle?’
‘Yes, I did promise, and no, I have not forgotten. If Tuesday doesn’t interfere with your dancing routine, I will pick you up at half seven and we shall away to the country lanes where you will not be able to wreak havoc on another car or someone’s garden wall.’
‘Ooh, ye’re not half trusting, aren’t yer, Nigel?’ This came from Kenny, sixteen years of age and the baby of the family. ‘It’s not another car or someone’s garden wall yer should be worrying about, it’s yer own car. He’s as mad as a hatter, is Bobby, a real dare-devil.’
‘Children should be seen and not heard, so you keep out of it,’ Bobby told him, wagging a finger and trying to look fierce. ‘Anyway, I’m returning the favour by teaching Nige to dance.’
Abbie quickly turned surprised eyes on her brother. Surely he wouldn’t have agreed to that when they’d already discussed going to private lessons so as to surprise their friends? But she could see that Nigel was even more surprised than she was. ‘Ah, now, that was never mentioned. Your driving lessons take priority, then we’ll worry about my dancing.’
‘Anything you say, mate,’ Bobby said, giving everyone the benefit of his grin. ‘Ay, he doesn’t half speak posh, doesn’t he?’
Milly, thinking Abbie was included in his talking posh statement, quickly went on the offensive. ‘He doesn’t speak posh, he speaks English as it should be spoken. As we all would if we weren’t too flaming lazy to bother.’
‘Yes, Miss.’ Bobby looked suitably chastised. ‘I’ll tell yer what, when he’s teaching me to drive, I’ll be craft
y and use it to polish up me English as well. Then, if yer like, Milly, at no cost to yerself, I’ll teach you how to speak posh.’
Milly knew when she was licked and joined in the laughter. She might have known she’d never get one over on Bobby Neary. You could get yourself all het up and call him fit to burn, but all the time you were shouting and going red in the face, he’d be standing with a grin on his handsome face, and his blue eyes would be shining with mischief. In fact, he seemed to enjoy getting you wound up, so there didn’t seem much point in wasting your breath, really.
‘I think we should be going, Abbie,’ Nigel said. ‘Otherwise it’ll be midnight before you get to bed, and you did say you wanted a clear head in the morning.’
‘Ah, aren’t yer going to see me home?’ Bobby put on a little boy lost expression. ‘It’s dark out, yer know.’
‘Sorry, but no can do. I have to get my little sister home.’
‘Never mind, Milly will see me home safe, won’t yer, Milly?’
‘Some hope you’ve got!’ the girl told him.
His shoulders drooping and his bottom lip quivering, Bobby made one last appeal. ‘You’ll walk me home, won’t yer, Mr Jamieson? Yer see, me mam doesn’t like me being out in the dark on me own.’
As Nigel was to say to his sister on the drive home, ‘It doesn’t matter if you can’t find anything to talk about when you’re with Bobby, ’cos he never stops. You could sit with your mouth closed all night and I don’t think he’d even notice.’
‘Yes, he’s hilarious.’ Abbie was still chuckling. ‘But I have a feeling there’s a serious side to him that he never lets anyone see.’
‘You’re right. Life hasn’t been all milk and honey for Bobby and his mother, they’ve had a couple of rough years. But they’re over the worst now, and I think it’s made a better man of him. Behind the laughter and jokes, there’s someone who is kind, caring and strong in spirit.’
‘I agree,’ Abbie said, squeezing his arm. ‘You’ve got yourself a very good mate. And so have I.’
Agnes was leaning on her elbows staring down at the piece of paper in front of her. ‘I don’t know who she thinks she is! She’ll be wearing a bleedin’ tiara next, and expect us to curtsy.’
‘Some hope she’s got,’ Kitty said, her legs swinging back to kick the seat of her chair. ‘I’d be damned if I’d curtsy to the likes of her, the stuck-up cow.’
‘Did Miss Victoria say how many people she’s inviting to this dinner party?’ Pete asked. ‘Is it a big do, or just a few friends?’
Agnes raised her brows and looked down her nose. ‘These are her exact words: “A few very select friends, Agnes. People who are used to the finest foods. And that is precisely what I will expect from you.” Honest, I felt like clocking her one.’
Jessie was round-eyed. She’d been asked to stay behind the night of the dinner party to help serve, and she was nervous enough without it being piled on. But she couldn’t help asking, just to make sure, ‘How many courses did yer say, Aggie?’
‘Seven including the coffee, sunshine. And of course the whisky and wine will be flowing all night.’
‘How in the name of God anyone can eat seven courses is beyond me,’ Kitty said. ‘If yer ask me, they’re greedy buggers.’
‘Read the menu again, Aggie,’ Pete asked. ‘Just so I can tell the missus while we’re eating our stew tonight.’
‘I’ll read what she’s asked for, but I’m not saying that’s what she’ll get. She’s written down two starters until she can make up her mind. One is poached egg on a bed of spinach, the other is soup. Then comes the fish course. That is definitely poached salmon in a dill sauce. The main meal is pheasant, plus all the vegetables and spuds. The dessert is a flaky pastry apple pie with fresh cream, followed by a selection of cheeses from Cooper’s. After that comes the truffles she’s expecting me to make. And they finish off with coffee.’
‘I hate to show me ignorance, queen, but what the bleedin’ hell are truffles?’
‘They’re small soft chocolates flavoured with rum.’
‘Ah, ay, queen, ye’re not having us on, are yer? You can’t make them!’
‘I can, sunshine, but whether I will is another matter. I mean, how do they expect me to cook and bake all these, and serve on table? I did tell Miss Victoria I only had one pair of hands, but she didn’t take no notice. She looked at me as much as to say, don’t be making tiresome excuses, grow some more hands if necessary.’
‘Why the hell did yer tell her yer could make these truffle things?’ Kitty pulled a face. ‘Ye’re a fool to yerself, queen, that’s what yer are.’
Agnes gazed across at the little woman. Their break was nearly over and they hadn’t had one decent laugh. And that would never do. So after a quick think, she said, ‘Well, it was like this, yer see, sunshine. When Miss Victoria mentioned truffles, I inadvertently let it slip that I could make them.’
Kitty’s legs stopped swinging and her mouth stopped chewing on the cheese butty. Her eyes slid to Jessie and Pete to see if they were as in the dark as she was. But she could read nothing from their faces. ‘How did yer say yer let it slip, queen?’
‘Inadvertently, sunshine. I could have bit me tongue off after I’d said it.’
‘And what does that inadly word mean?’
‘It means I made a mistake, sunshine – have yer never heard the word before?’
Pete and Jessie kept their eyes straight ahead. Neither of them had heard the word before, but they knew Agnes was playing a joke on the cleaner and they weren’t going to interfere. I mean, why stop something they knew would end in laughter.
Kitty was leaning as far across the table as she could manage. Her eyes like slits, she said, ‘No, I haven’t bleedin’ well heard the word before, and neither have you. And d’yer know why? ’Cos there’s no such word.’
‘There is too! Just because you’ve never heard of it doesn’t mean a thing, ’cos ye’re pig ignorant, that’s what.’
‘OK, smart arse! Spell it for me.’
‘I can’t spell it off the top of me head,’ Agnes objected, not thinking it would have got this far. ‘I’d need to write it down, but I’ve got no paper handy. Pete, you’ve always got a scrap of paper in yer overall pocket, you write it down for us, there’s a good lad.’
Pete’s jaw dropped. ‘Aggie, I can’t even say the word, never mind write it down. You must have gone to a different school to us.’
‘Are you saying there’s no such word, as well?’
‘I’m not saying no such thing! It’s just that I’ve never heard of it, that’s all.’
‘Right, you ignorant lot, I’ll show yer whether there’s such a word.’ Aggie was making her way to the dresser as she spoke. ‘I’ll write the ruddy thing down for yer and yer can look in the dictionary when yer get home.’
‘Seeing as we don’t possess a dictionary, queen, we’ll take your word for it. But write it down and I’ll show Alf what a clever woman yer are.’
Armed with paper and pencil, Agnes flexed her arms. Saying the word over and over in her head, she began to write, praying if she didn’t get it dead right, no one would know the difference. Then with a flourish, she passed the paper over to Kitty. ‘There yer are, sunshine, show that to your feller. Thirteen letters in that word, if yer’d like to count.’
Kitty stared at the paper for a few seconds, then folded it and put it in her overall pocket. ‘I’m not doubting yer, queen, and I’m sure my Alf won’t, ’cos he’s as ignorant as me.’ Her thin face puckered, she scratched her head before pushing her chair back. Jerking her head at Jessie, she said, ‘Come on, queen, back to the grind.’ They were at the door when she turned. ‘I’ve had some cleaning jobs in me time, Aggie, but not one where I got a bleedin’ education thrown in. Yer’ll be charging me to come to work, soon.’
The cleaner sent Jessie to finish off upstairs while she started in the hall. She was polishing the ornate settle when the front door opened and Robert came in. ‘I’ve come
back for some papers I forgot to take with me.’ He smiled at the little woman who looked much better than she had a few weeks ago. The extra half-a-crown a week was obviously helping, plus the extra food Agnes was allowed to give her. ‘I’ll not be two ticks.’
‘Mr Robert, can I have a word with yer?’
‘Of course you can. Here, or in the study?’
‘In the study if yer don’t mind. It’s nothing important, just a joke between me and Aggie that I’d like yer advice on.’
Once in the study, Robert closed the door. ‘What are the pair of you up to now?’
‘It’s this word what Aggie used, and I’d never heard of it. Of course she said I was pig ignorant and wrote it down for me. Pete had never heard of it either, so unless she’s having us on, he’s as thick as me.’ Kitty took the paper from her pocket and passed it over. ‘That’s the word, and it’s got thirteen letters in it.’
Robert was chuckling as he gazed at the writing. ‘Inadvertently! She’s more than a pretty face, is Agnes.’
‘So she wasn’t pulling me leg, Mr Robert?’
Robert tweaked the end of his nose to try and stem the laughter. ‘Oh, I think she probably was to begin with, Kitty. After all, it’s hardly a word one would throw into a conversation. But it is a word, and she’s spelt it correctly.’
Kitty’s face dropped. Then she had an idea. Mr Robert liked a joke as well as the next man, so he wouldn’t mind her asking. ‘I don’t suppose yer know any other words with thirteen letters in, do yer, Mr Robert? Just so I can get me own back.’
‘Oh, I think so, but give me a minute.’ Robert was thinking the kitchen was the only happy room in the house. Then he snapped his fingers. ‘I can go one better than thirteen letters. But a word is no good unless you know where it fits into a conversation.’
‘I’ll know if you tell me, Mr Robert.’
Robert pulled his chair away from his desk and sat down. ‘I’ll print it, so it’s easier for you to learn how to pronounce it.’ Using one of his own letterheads, he printed the word ‘incomprehensible’. His face beaming, he handed the paper over. ‘There are sixteen letters in that word, Kitty, but for it to have any effect on Agnes you must learn to say it correctly.’