Scary Dead Things - 02

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Do you think your father has that in mind for any of us?” I asked, really hoping that the answer that was popping into my mind wasn't the one she was going to say.

  “If father is angry enough, then that fate would be reserved for you as the leader of your coven.”

  “I was afraid you'd say that.”

  “Yes. Thus, it is in your best interest to avoid that fate.”

  Talk about stating the obvious!

  * * *

  Oh crap! I had forgotten about Sally! She was supposed to drop Gan's clothes off here. Not good. I could feel panic settling in as unwanted thoughts started filtering into my head. OK, calm down. Freaking out wasn't the most productive thing to do. I pulled out my cell phone. It was at least one action I could do, rather than stand there in a state of confusion. However, it rang before I could even start to dial.

  “Hello?” I answered, half-expecting a heavily accented voice to state, “We have your whore!”

  Instead, Sally replied from the other end, “Bill? Are you OK?”

  “Yeah, I'm fine. You?” Wow, two whole sentences without a barb at each other. That’s almost a record.

  “I'm not quite sure I'm what you'd call OK. Whatever you do, don't go back to the loft!”

  “Too late.”

  “What’s there?” she asked, although the tone of her voice suggested she already knew.

  “Dusk Reaper's smiling face. Unfortunately, the rest of him decided to skip town.”

  “Same here. I decided to stop off at the office first.”

  “How bad?”

  “Bad. Three severed heads, and at least four other members of the coven seem to be missing.”

  Goddamn it! I had thought the office would be safe, considering it was usually staffed pretty heavily with vamps. If these guys had just turned a good chunk of my coven into confetti, it meant they were even better than I thought.

  “Are you still there? At the office, I mean?” I asked.

  “Are you fucking retarded?” Ah yes, we were back to normal again. “I'm standing right in the middle of the busiest street I could find.”

  “Good. Any idea how they found us?”

  “Public records...for vampires, at least.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Boston! They have most of our addresses on file,” she said.

  “You think they'd rat us out?”

  “If one of the Draculas asked?”

  “Yeah. Sorry, stupid question,” I replied. “Wait, you said most.”

  “Exactly. Covens are supposed to report all of their holdings, but it's kind of an unwritten rule to tolerate a few off-the-books safe houses.”

  “Alright. Don't say anything over the phone.”

  “This isn't Mission Impossible,” she sniffed. “I'm pretty sure they aren't tapping us.”

  “You have an office full of beheaded vampires, and you're telling me that a little paranoia isn't warranted?”

  “Point taken,” she answered.

  “OK, let's meet up at that espresso shop James likes. We can talk then.”

  * * *

  The four of us met up as planned about a half hour later. Sally was already there, and I saw that she brought Gan's clothes with her. Good idea. In all the chaos, I had forgotten that Gan was still dressed like something a blind man would cobble together from the Good Will box.

  “Hey,” I said by way of greeting. Sally nodded back at myself and Starlight and gave Gan a sour glance. “So how are we looking?”

  “Not good,” Sally said. “Between the brawl with the HBC and tonight, we're down to half a coven.”

  “The others?”

  “I got a few of them on the phone, told them to spread the word.”

  “So what about those places you told me about, the ones off the grid?” I asked.

  “Three come to mind. As far as I know, the warehouse where we dusted Jeff should be safe. That leaves...”

  “Um, I don't think so,” said Starlight in a small voice.

  “What are you talking about?” Sally rounded on her.

  “I may have mentioned it to Colin while I was up there,” she squeaked in return. Colin was normally James' assistant in overseeing the Northeastern covens. However, since James was out of country, that left Colin in charge. Unfortunately for us, Colin was a little suck-up of a weasel. If he had information that any of the Draculas wanted, you can bet he handed it over to them on a silver platter.

  “What the hell were you thinking!?” Sally growled.

  “Well, you called me when I was up there,” Starlight started rambling. “After you told me what was going on, it might have...”

  “Might have what?” Sally got in her face.

  “Slipped.”

  “How does the location of our secret safe house slip?” Sally hissed. I could see tinges of black starting to work their way into her eyes. She was not a happy camper.

  “It just did!” Starlight pleaded. “Colin was there when you called, and he started asking me questions...”

  “OK, enough!” I said, getting between them. “What's done is done, Sally. At least we know the warehouse isn't safe. We need to get the word out to not use it.”

  “Fine,” she replied through gritted teeth, still glaring at Starlight.

  “So what else do we have?” I asked, trying to get us back on track. Normally I'm all for a good chick fight, especially when the chicks in question look like Sally and Starlight. Throw in some tight T-shirts and a vat of Jell-O, and we'd have ourselves a party to remember. But now was probably not the time to indulge in twisted little fantasies like that. The last thing I wanted was to be distracted by some wet dream and then wake up to discover that the Khan was going to be skull-fucking my dismembered head for the rest of eternity.

  “It's not great,” replied Sally. “There's the place where we met with the HBC.”

  “Boston doesn't know about that?”

  “No, but the Queens vamps obviously do,” she confirmed. “If word gets out that we're using it and they decide to fuck us over...”

  “Gotcha. What's left?”

  “Your apartment,” she said.

  “My apartment?”

  “Yes. As far as I'm aware, only a few vamps in the coven know where you live.”

  “The Brooklyn safe house it is, then!” I said.

  “But what about...”

  “We'll deal with the HBC if we need to,” I said, cutting her off. “I'm not hosting a vampire slumber party.”

  “God forbid you ever do anything to add some class to that place,” she quipped.

  “I'm serious, Sally. Get the coven into Brooklyn. Arm them with every stake you can find, and then have them lay low. If need be, I'm not too far away. But there's no way you're all staying at my place. Not gonna happen. Besides which, I only have one bathroom.”

  “Fine. I'll send most of them there with instructions to stay put, stay vigilant, and only open the doors for someone they know,” she said.

  “I couldn’t help but notice that most part again,” I pointed out.

  “Good to know you pay attention to something other than my chest on occasion,” she replied. “I hope you enjoyed spending quality time with Gan because she's going back with you. Oh, and in case you're wondering, I'll be joining her.”

  Toked-up Television

  I must be such a repressed closet homosexual that even I don't know it because I never thought in my life that I'd be arguing against a woman of Sally's looks shacking up at my place for a few days. But yet, there I was. One night with Gan had been bad enough. Potentially several nights with both Gan and Sally sounded like an explosion waiting to happen. In close quarters, they'd no doubt be at each other’s throat constantly, and that didn't even count my two human roommates and their tasty, blood-filled selves. I wasn't sure I had enough sanity in me to referee that kind of nonstop cage match.

  Yet, Sally’s words did have some logic to them. As usual, it was just enough to make me question my cours
e of action.

  “These guys are after Gan,” she pointed out. “Therefore, it stands to reason that Gan should be kept away from the others.”

  “And why does that mean my place?”

  “Because the assassins are after you too, stupid,” she continued. “If both of their main targets are together, that's even better for the rest.”

  “OK. I can see your Star Trek logic here.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” Sally spat.

  “Your whore is being insolent again,” Gan cut in.

  “Not now, Gan,” I said, and then turned back to Sally. Oh yeah, those two in the same apartment together. Hoo-boy! “And as for you, I believe the phrase is 'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.' That’s from The Wrath of Khan, just in case you were wondering.”

  “I do not believe I have ever heard my father say that.”

  “Different Khan, Gan,” I said, noticing Sally giving an eye-roll in response. “Anyway, logical or not, how do you play into this?” I asked Sally.

  “It's pretty simple, really. I've gone stark raving insane,” she answered cryptically.

  “I'm not doubting you, but that's not quite the answer I was looking for.”

  “I've obviously gone bonkers,” Sally explained, “because rather than the safety of numbers that the coven offers, I've decided to stick with you. Two reasons: You get ashed, and I probably go back to being some other vampire's chew toy; and secondly...and Lord help me for this, but I actually believe in you. Yeah, I know, sounds crazy to me, too. But you just keep beating the odds, Bill.”

  Wow, that almost sounded like a compliment. “I may beat the odds occasionally, but...” I started to say.

  “Most of the time, it’s only because I’m there with you!” she interrupted. “I know. So I can't help but think, against all logic, that the absolute safest place for me to be is plastered next to your imbecilic side.”

  I actually smiled at that. It was kind of sweet in an insulting sort of way. I held up a fist in front of Sally. “Partners?”

  “Partners,” she confirmed with a fist-bump.

  “Do not get any ideas, whore,” added Gan. “When this is over, he is still mine.”

  * * *

  We decided to first accompany Starlight to the safe house. From there, she could coordinate making sure the others arrived safely as well. Gan's senses were the most acute amongst us, and we periodically had her checking to see if she could sense whether the assassins were close by. She didn't catch wind of them, which was good. A few subway stops later, and I felt better about that. As I said before, good luck with a bunch of yak herders trying to negotiate the NYC tubes successfully.

  We gave the building a once over, making sure no non-coven vamps were hiding anywhere, and then helped to secure the exits. Once we were relatively sure of the building’s security, Sally, Gan, and myself grabbed a cab back to my apartment. We then wound up hoofing it the remaining mile or so after Gan insulted the driver and got us thrown out. Can't tell you how glad I was that I got to spend some more time with the pretty little princess. Every hour with her felt like five.

  Unfortunately, she was only part of the problem. I had a trio...or what I assumed were a trio, nobody had actually seen them and lived to give a tally yet...of assassins in the city, gunning for my ass. There had to be some way both to keep them from killing me and convince Gan to go back home with them. Unfortunately, for the life of me I had absolutely no clue as to how to do that. If I somehow, through some miracle, live long enough to join the Draculas, I'm going to institute a policy of talking through our troubles. Maybe start each of our meetings out with a group hug. Yeah, that could work...maybe.

  Oh well, hopefully all of this could wait until the morning. Most vampires were strictly night people. For those keeping score, I was, too but, since I had a job to do, I had trained myself pretty well to be able to function during daylight hours...minus maybe any sunbathing. If we could make it until then, I could be relatively sure of a few hours of peace, during which the assassins would be sleeping and I could maybe think of something to do.

  Speaking of sleeping, I was also wondering what the arrangements were going to be. I had given Gan my bed the night before, and I would probably do so again; however, that left Sally. I was pretty sure Sally wasn't going to be all that enamored with sharing a bed with the little girl who called her a whore with every other breath. Maybe Tom would be out again, and she could take his room...after getting extensive instructions of what not to touch. Yeah, this was going to be a disaster.

  Before stopping at my building, we did a quick circuit of the block to allow Gan to sniff out whether Nergui and his buddies were anywhere close by. After a few minutes, she stopped and wrinkled her nose.

  “They are not here...but there is something,” she said.

  “Define ‘something’,” I replied

  “There is something...unnatural in the air.”

  “But no vampires?” Sally asked.

  “No. There are no other vampires near. But there is...”

  “Listen, honey,” said Sally. “This is New York. Pretty much everything smells unnatural here. If there’re no vamps, I say we're golden.”

  I shrugged and replied to Gan, “Sally's got a point. You're probably just getting a whiff of the streets in general. Tomorrow's garbage day, after all.”

  * * *

  I unlocked the front door, and we went in. I led the way up, Gan took middle, and Sally brought up the rear. We reached my door, and I let us in. I was a little surprised to see that the lights were all still on, considering the late hour. However, it wasn't unheard of. I soon saw why. Tom and Ed were still up. They were both seated on the couch, facing the...still broken TV?

  “Hey, guys!” I said. “Hope you don't mind, but we have guests.” I waited for a moment, expecting a tirade from Ed, since I imagined he was still pretty pissed about the whole Gan thing, but neither of them said a word. I continued, “Sorry for the late notice, but there's some shit going down. Sally and Gan need to stay here for maybe a few days. Oh yeah, Tom, this is Gan.”

  There was still no acknowledgment from either of them. They both still sat in the same place, quiet and unmoving. Odd. Even with Tom not knowing Gan and Ed not liking her, I would have expected them to have bolted around fast enough to cause whiplash at the first mention of Sally. When this continued for a few more seconds, I began to get an idea of what was going on.

  “Are you sure they are still living?” asked Gan with casual indifference. Living or dead, humans were pretty much the same thing to her.

  Sally gave a puzzled look. “Yoo-hoo, guys! I'm here...so are my breasts if you want to stare at them,” she said in their direction, and then turned towards me. “I agree with Gan. You might want to check them for a pulse.”

  I shook my head and smiled. “I've seen this before.”

  “You have?” asked Sally, her tone dubious.

  “Yeah. A couple of years ago, our old TV went out. Cash was kind of tight back then. So, until we could replace it, we used to get completely shitfaced stoned in the evenings, then sit there and watch the TV in our minds.” Ah yes, the good old days.

  “That is probably the most pathetic thing I have ever heard in my life,” replied Sally.

  “I do not fully understand what you are saying,” Gan likewise commented, “and even I find myself agreeing with the whore.”

  “Will you stop calling me that!?” Sally snapped.

  “Perhaps when you stop acting like one,” Gan responded. “Besides, that is unimportant right now. What matters is that Dr. Death is wrong about his friends.”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked.

  Gan gave me a look as if to say one of us here was a stupid child and it wasn't her. “Your friends are obviously bewitched.”

  “Bewitched?”

  “Yes...magic,” Gan continued. “Can neither of you smell it? It is as plain as the...”

  Unfortunately, if
Gan was able to finish her sentence, I never knew. As she spoke, a bright white light flashed in the room. Before I could even begin to wonder what happened, it had engulfed me. As it did, all of my rational thoughts immediately scattered to the wind.

  Magically Delicious

  I was back in the tent with my three clothing-impaired female companions. We were picking up, with great enthusiasm, where we had left off. Why I had ever left this place was beyond me. Actually, maybe I hadn't left after all. I mean, here I was. Maybe I had just dozed off and dreamt all of that crap. Yeah, that made sense. Now it was time to show these babes the true meaning of vigorous.