by Viola Rivard
There was a gentle pecking at the door. Harper put her head in her hands, inwardly groaning.
"I'll be out in a minute," she called.
"It's me," Merry said.
Of course, it's you.
Harper said nothing.
"I could tell you were upset and I wanted to make sure you were okay."
"I'm fine."
"No, you're not," Merry said. "But you're in good company, believe it or not. If it helps you to hear it, then you should know that I'm okay with this. By that, I mean that I was prepared for Shan to take a mate one day and even though it's sort of bittersweet, I really am happy for you both. I'm not going to wig out like Kalla did."
Harper lifted her head. "Kalla was the other one?"
"Other what?"
Harper exhaled and ran a hand through her hair. "Shan said... He said he had two lovers before me. You're one of them, so is Kalla the other?"
"Oh, no, honey. Not Kalla. She was like a sister to him. But she did have feelings for him. I think that a lot of what she did, working so hard and achieving so much while so young, it was so that he would notice her. So, when she found out about you..."
"What about you? She didn't care that you two were together?"
"This is a weird conversation to be having through a door. Can I come in?" Merry asked.
"No."
"Okay." Merry paused, and then said, "I don't think Kalla ever felt threatened by me. Shan and I, well, we've been together since she was a kid. I don't think she perceived our relationship as being anything more than casual."
"And how did you perceive it?"
After asking the question, Harper realized how shitty she was being. Here was a woman who obviously cared about Shan and had a very long-term relationship with him before he'd suddenly shown up with his new mate-to-be. Now, said mate-to-be was grilling her on the extent of her relationship with Shan.
"I'm sorry," Harper said. "That was rude."
"No. I understand. At least, I think I do. And like I told you, I always knew that he'd take a mate one day. I'm glad it's you and not some random human. I mean, I'm not some human-hater, it's just... I dunno, I guess it's easier this way. You're like him. It feels like the two of you belong together, you know?"
Harper nodded, and then, remembering that Merry couldn't see her, she said, "Yeah. I guess, I do."
There was a tense silence, and then Merry said, "Well, I'm going to leave you be now."
"Wait."
The word had been a knee-jerk response, and only after she spoke did Harper realize she didn't know what she'd planned on saying. There were plenty things she wanted to ask, but none of the questions would have been anything close to appropriate.
"Sorry, never mind. Thank you. I... I know this can't be easy."
Merry said nothing, and a few seconds later, Harper registered the sound of retreating footsteps.
She wallowed on the floor for a few more seconds before forcing herself up. Hands gripping the sink, she stared at her reflection. It was the first time she'd seen herself clearly since the motel bathroom nearly a month ago. She recalled preparing to do her eye makeup, and then stopping after only a few swipes of mascara, remembering that she was headed for a trek through the wilderness, not a hike through a shopping mall.
She sucked in a breath when she saw herself. Her hair was not the only part of her that had changed color. Her eyes were no longer deep blue. One had turned a pale, clear shade of blue, while the other was liquid gold. She blinked several times, turned around, and then turned back to the mirror, but her father's mismatched eyes continued to stare back at her.
Chapter 13
Harper didn't try to rebind her pelt as she slipped out of the library. She was trying not to draw attention to herself, and the last thing she needed was to accidentally shift into a wolf the size of a house.
She wrapped the pelt around herself and kept her head down as she descended the stairs. There were several people on the street, and no sooner did her foot touch down on the cobbled street did one of them approach her.
"Harper?"
She looked up to see Cade, one of the Scout betas, waving at her. Cade was about her age and cute, with red hair, smooth, unblemished skin, and a broad mouth. The first time she'd heard him speak, she'd half-expected to hear a Scottish brogue and not a generic American accent with a hint of Appalachian twang.
"Hello," she said politely.
Cade was with two of his friends, similarly-aged males she recognized from the encampments, but had never personally interacted with. They eyed her with a mix of curiosity and wariness.
"Are you looking for Shan?" Cade asked, pulling away from his friends to approach her.
She'd left the library with no destination in mind, only knowing that she couldn't stay under the same roof with Merry, not in her present state. At the mention of Shan's name, her heart fluttered and she knew that he was exactly what she needed. After she busted his ass for not telling her about her eyes, she was going to demand that he take her back to his den where they could spend the afternoon in bed.
"Yeah. Any idea where he is?"
Cade said, "I think he's still at the town hall with my sister."
"Your sister?" Harper asked, instinctively bristling.
"Eko."
She couldn't remember if she'd known that Cade and the leader of the Hunters were related, but it seemed obvious now. They shared the same red hair, and the same features that looked somewhat masculine on Eko were handsome on Cade.
"Oh, right. Can you point me in the direction?"
"I'll take you there."
Cade waved to his friends before setting off down the road. He walked at a leisurely pace, keeping his hands in his pockets and a solid foot of distance between himself and Harper.
"When did you guys get back?" Harper asked.
Cade, along with Viper and Yorick had been part of the group that had gone into what she now knew to be Caim's territory. He'd been there the night she'd been attacked by Caim's pack mate, and she'd been so delirious after that she couldn't remember what had happened to him and the others.
"A few days ago," he said. "We made good time."
He kept looking at her and looking away, and it was getting annoying.
"I must look very different," Harper said, remarking upon the obvious.
"Yeah," Cade said with an awkward laugh. "I barely recognized you."
I barely recognize myself.
She twisted a finger around her hair. "Be honest with me. Is it hideous? Shan says it's not, but I think he's supposed to say that."
Cade shook his head at once. "You're incredible. I mean, it's incredible. Your hair." He raked fingers through his own hair. "If I had to give it a word, I'd say it's...ethereal? Am I using that right? I don't think I've ever used it in a sentence."
It was Harper's turn to laugh. "You used it right, and thank you. It's nice to hear."
"Was it, I mean, did you have it dyed before and this is your natural color?"
"No. It was naturally black. It changed after I shifted for the first time."
Cade smacked his forehead with the heel of his palm. "Ah. So it was your first time, then? That's so crazy. I don't remember the first time I shifted. I must have been a few weeks old. What was it like?"
"It hurt a lot. Kind of like everything in my body was breaking. I guess it kind of was. It happened really fast, at least."
She'd been deliberately putting the memory of the shift out of her mind. It had been excruciating, but if she disassociated, she could almost pretend it had been another one of her nightmares.
"And you're like Shan?"
Harper smirked. "You mean huge?"
"Yeah," he said with a bashful smile.
"I am."
"Can I see?"
"Right now?" she said, cringing.
"No, no. Forget I asked."
"I would, it's just, I'm still learning how to pilot, so to speak."
She understood now why S
han had been reluctant to admit his lack of control over his wolf form. The admission made her feel vulnerable, like she was exposing a weakness. The sensation was heighten by the knowledge of how new and gentle her wolf was. Without Shan there to protect her, it would have been easy for anyone to exploit her.
People stared at them as they walked, or rather, they stared at Harper. She kept up conversation with Cade, if only to avoid having to interact with anyone else. After meeting Merry, she had reached her quota of introductions for the day.
"We're here," Cade said, guiding them to a stop.
The town hall was a large two-story building that reminded her of a New England church house with its boxy construction and white paint. There was a bell tower on top of it, though she'd yet to hear it ring.
"What are they doing in there?" Harper asked.
She was starting to feel uncertain of herself and her decision to come there. Fleeing the library and running to Shan's side, interrupting his work in the process, felt childish and needy. If there was one thing she didn't want to be, it was needy.
"No telling," Cade said. "There's so much going on right now, what with Kalla's changes and with, uh..." He scratched behind his ear as he gave her a sideways look. "I imagine he'll be away for a while, what with you two becoming mates soon. He probably wants to make sure no one screws anything up while he's gone."
"Oh, right."
He hesitated, and then said, "I'm surprised he even let you out, smelling like you do." He was quick to add, "That's not to say he'd keep you prisoner or anything, or that you smell bad. It's just that if it were me, I don't think I'd be able to handle being apart from you, and I definitely wouldn't want you out here talking to me."
Cade gave her a self-effacing grin. "I should probably get going before I get my head bitten off."
His words touched a nerve that Harper hadn't realized was laid bare. A few times, she'd considered the fact that Shan didn't seem overly jealous or possessive, at least, not by alpha wolf standards. She'd had human boyfriends who had been more possessive than him. It meant that either he was incredibly secure in his ability to keep her, or he wasn't feeling as insane as she was.
Cade must have misread her sudden shift in mood, because he said, "I'm not trying to ditch you, honest. I can go in with you, if you want."
"No, thank you, though. You're very sweet, Cade."
He looked around nervously, before giving her a broad smile. "It was good to see you."
"You, too."
She gave him a hug. He was tense, but hugged her back and didn't immediately release her when she started to pull away. When they separated, she recognized the faint scent of arousal. He gave another awkward goodbye before departing.
After climbing the steps, Harper pulled open one of the double doors and slipped into the building. There was no foyer, the doors simply opened into an expansive hall with a high ceiling. The sense of being in a church house was magnified by the rows of pews on either side of the central walkway.
Shan was nowhere in sight, but she could smell him and hear talking from somewhere out of sight. She made her way down the walkway, her bare feet silent on the wooden floors.
"Yes, but how often do we actually need enforcers on the circuits?" The feminine voice belonged to Eko. "If anything, they function as backup soldiers. My hunters can do that just as well, if not, better."
"Enforcers are there to keep order," Shan replied.
Their voices were coming from a back room. The door was ajar, and Harper approached it quietly, still feeling unsure of herself.
"Oh please. We rarely have crime and half of the time, it's one of them causing the chaos," Eko said. "We'd get on fine without them."
"That's a logical fallacy. You can't justify the removal of law enforcement on the grounds that there is little crime while they're present. It's likely that their very presence is the reason that there's so little corruption."
Harper knocked twice, before pushing the door open. Eko and Shan sat at an oval-shaped table, both of them looking tired.
Eko was the first to greet her, echoing her brother's words from earlier. "Harper. I hardly recognize you."
Shan's reception was notably cool. "I thought I'd be picking you up later."
Harper shrugged. "You said you'd be nearby. I was hungry and thought maybe you'd want to do lunch early. Am I intruding?"
"No," he said. "Eko and I are only talking one another in circles."
"He's not lying," Eko said with a sigh. "What do you think? Should we take an early lunch, the three of us?"
Shan shook his head. "You go on ahead."
Eko looked uneasy as she stood. "Maybe later, then."
She gave Harper a tight smile as she passed by.
Once she was gone, Shan motioned towards the seat Eko had been occupying. Harper went to it, but remained standing, her hands resting on the back of the wooden chair.
Shan was leaning back in his chair, which looked too small to support him. He'd tied his long hair back, and at some point during the morning, another one of his buttons had come undone, revealing a generous portion of his bare chest. The sight of it made Harper's mouth flood with saliva.
"I know what you're doing," Shan said without inflection. "What I don't understand is why."
"Huh?"
"Don't play coy. You're not suited for it."
Her fingers curled so that she was gripping the back of the chair.
Shan said, "Do you have any regard for how your antics might have affected Cade, or are you so egocentric that it didn't occur to you that a less reasonable male might have retaliated against him for touching you?"
Her mouth rapidly ran dry.
When she'd hugged Cade, she hadn't specifically set out to rub his scent off on her, though it had been in the back of her mind. And, when she'd smelled his arousal, she might have held a small hope it would also rub off on her. At the time, all she'd been thinking of was that it might annoy Shan, serving as a reminder that she was desirable and not to be taken for granted.
He'd seen through it in an instant, but instead of appearing pissed, he'd just gone cold on her.
Can't you just be angry like a normal guy?
"All I did was give him a hug. What, am I not allowed to hug people, now?"
"This morning, you were upset because a female touched my arm, and now you're pretending that I won't be bothered by you embracing another male?"
"Honestly, it's hard to tell with you."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
Harper looked away from him. "It means that sometimes I can't tell if you're interested in me, aside from having me become your mate."
Finally, he sounded irritated. "Where is this coming from?"
"We've only had sex three times," she blurted.
Until she said the words, she hadn't known how much it bothered her.
She said, "How interested in me can you possibly be? Any other male wouldn't have let me out of bed this morning. And don't say you had more important things to do. We spent an hour having breakfast, so you clearly weren't in a hurry to get anywhere."
He also hadn't marked her again since she'd shifted, something that bothered her on both an emotional and a physical level.
"Fine," Shan said, straightening in his chair. "You really want to do this now?"
Her heart sank. She'd expected him to dispel her concerns, or at the least, tell her that she was overreacting. Now, she wished she'd never brought the subject up. Her legs felt insufficient for holding her up, and she knew that only the chair was keeping her standing.
"You're right," Shan said. "I have been avoiding having sex with you, but not because I'm not attracted to you. It's because you're inexperienced and I'm trying to avoid overwhelming you."
Harper let out a hollow laugh. "You think I'm inexperienced? I'm not. Not by a long shot. I've been with plenty of men."
His eyes narrowed. "I've inferred as much."
The cold statement felt like a slap.
/> "Then what?" she said, unable to quell the tremor in her voice. "Am I not good enough in bed? It's pretty hard to add any flair when you're pinning me down. Maybe if you'd let me—"
"You cry every time we have sex."
Harper's next words died in her throat. She closed her mouth as her face began to burn with shame and humiliation. She wanted to run, but if she left at that, it felt like she'd be validating whatever notions he had about her.
"It doesn't bother me that you cry," he said, before she could formulate a response. "But it is telling. You're young and you've been through a lot, not the least of which is what's happened in the past few weeks. It's obvious that you don't know how to cope with intimacy, and for that reason, I can't treat you as I might another female. If I had sex with you every time I wanted to, all we'd ever do is fuck, and you'd be standing here accusing me of only wanting you for sex, like every other man you've been with."
Each statement felt like a nail being driven into her, and by the time he was finished, Harper was shaking.
"Fuck you."
"Harper."
"No. Fuck you," she said, punctuating each syllable. "Don't act like you know best. Like you're so much better than me. Tell me, what's worse? Casually having sex with lots of people and no emotional strings, or only having sex with one person for years and then dropping her the second you decide that you've found your mate?"
Shan's expression hardened.
"Yeah, I met Merry," Harper said.
"I already told you about her," Shan said. "We may have had a long-term relationship, but it always had clear parameters."
"I'm sure. If you're so experienced with intimacy, you must have cared about her. But you still didn't hesitate to sleep with me."
'That's a logical fallacy.'
His earlier words echoed in her mind, but it was her own voice repeating them.
Ad hominem. You're attacking his character to avoid facing the validity of his argument.
He would see through it, like he saw through everything else she tried to pull. She waited for him to call her out, but he didn't.