Burdened (A Burdened Novel)

by Peiri Ann

  The door knocks three times.

  Nathan makes a sound, like a growl, under his breath. He looks at me.

  “You cannot be serious,” I say, borderline pissed. Why? WHY!? What could they want? WHAT!? Why NOW?

  “Calm down, Tracey.” He looks down and pulls my shorts back up, then his, which were two inches below his waist. I didn’t get far. “Put my shirt on.” He looks over next to me, showing me where his shirt is.

  I grab it, angrily throwing it over my head as he does a quick sweep over the room. He throws my bra and my shirt to me.

  Opening the door, there is Scott, in all his interrupting glory. “What, Scott?” You can hear the aggravation in his voice.

  “Something’s—” Scott stops, taking in the room. Then he looks at me. I fold my arms across my chest, not wanting him to see my C-cups perked up through Nathan’s shirt. He looks back to Nathan. “What were you doing?” he asks Nathan, folding his arms, with a look that could kill.

  “Why? What do you want?” Nathan’s aggravation flares.

  “Don’t do it. You’ll end up like me and Glen.”

  “I think your situation with Glen is a lot different from ours,” Nathan states as he starts to close the door on Scott.

  Scott stops the door with his forearm. “Only Slightly.” Nathan looks up at Scott, who has his arm still on the door. “You don’t want it, believe me. Glen isn’t doing so well with the change, the acceptance.” He drops his arm.

  “That’s your fault. You took that step without understanding your mate or your mate understanding you. She knows nothing of what you are or what will happen to her. You’re bound with restrictions and that’s not possible.”

  Scott looks past him and over to me. “So she knows everything?”

  “Excluding the murders, and the extent of the bond, but she knows there are things I haven’t told her.” Nathan looks back at me, and my eyes beg him to come back.

  “How?”

  “We talk. We don’t just have sex and sleep. And why didn’t you tell me you and Glen are bound? Didn’t you think that was a vital source of information?” I’m still stuck on the fact that we don’t just have sex; we don’t have sex at all!

  “I did. But I knew what you would think, considering the way that I treated you, then giving in—in such a short time.”

  “How long?” Nathan asks in his deep voice. I’m curious to know the answer to that myself.

  “Some days ago.” Scott tilts his head down.

  “Keep going.”

  “We were at school and she approached me. This was after I had talked to Tracey. Something happened between us and I couldn’t control it. She cornered me into the photo lab. There are a few chairs and couches in there for people to wait for their pictures and stuff. Well, she kissed me and I lost it.”

  He leans against the door panel. “Whatever control I had was gone. Every desire rushed out of me, like the destruction of an angry dam. I took full advantage of the situation, not letting an inch of her go untouched. Her kisses were like heaven and her touches were as comforting as an angel’s. I couldn’t resist my own urge.” He pauses for a brief second. I assume he’s replaying it in his head. “So I did it.” He shrugs. “She stripped, I let her strip me, and I took her.”

  I’m shocked listening to Scott tell his story. He’s not ashamed, but he isn’t proud of it either. Nathan also stands there for a minute without saying anything.

  From what I get, Nathan is older than Scott. I just don’t know by how much. Although, Scott helps hold Nathan together, helping him stay in control and fight his desire to…kill. This was until I came along. I can tell Nathan feels bad for Scott, and it looks like he is disappointed in him. Scott’s his family, and I understand that. But I am too now; now I’ll be at his level.

  Nathan looks back at me. Is it okay if I let him in?

  I feel bad for Scott, and I want to know what’s going on with Glen. I nod.

  “Come on in, Scott. But you are going to pay for this later.” Nathan opens the door wider.

  Scott walks in the room. “How did you tell her?” he asks with his head down.

  “Wait, where is Glen, and why are you able to just leave her everywhere?” Like earlier at the beach. There was no way the Glen I know would have stayed that far away, laying in the sand.

  “I put her to sleep.”

  “I’m sorry?” I don’t understand that.

  “I put her to sleep. Nathan could do it to you too, but I doubt he would.” He better not. “It’s one of my abilities. I have to do it sometimes, because being bound to someone, and not being able to be yourself, can really suck sometimes.”

  I look over at Nathan, who is now standing next to me, pushing me forward so that he can sit behind me. I let him and he wraps his arms around me, and I let his warmth and calm to seep in, like rays from the sun.

  Scott sits on the desk chair. “So how did you tell her?”

  “It wasn’t easy, but I had a lot of questions,” I answer for him. It seems like forever ago when he told me.

  “And how did you take it?”

  “As calmly as I’m talking to you. See, I knew I liked Nathan. I knew I wanted him. I also knew that no matter what it was, nothing was or is going to change that.” Unless he keeps pushing me away or denying me—or better yet, answering that damn door when he knew he was just about to give me what I wanted.

  I shake my head at myself, and Nathan laughs behind me. “Stay out of my head,” I say harshly—with a smile that contradicts it. He kisses my temple.

  “I didn’t tell her everything at once though,” he starts. “She may have been able to take it, but I wasn’t sure. She knows the most important stuff though. And she has repeatedly stated that, regardless of who I am or what I do, she accepts me—Sephlem, demon, or human.”

  “Nathan—” I say softly, “that’s what he is to me and that’s what I see.”

  You’re about to make me kick him out if you keep accepting me for what I am with that voice and with my shirt on.

  Well, tell me what else I can say to tempt that urge.

  He pulls me tight to him, and I soak him up like a sponge.

  “So you all do that—communicating like we do?”

  “Yeah, sometimes,” he answers.

  “You all look happy,” says Scott, admiring us.

  We are sometimes. “Most of the time, he keeps a smile on my face, but then ther—"

  “Don’t, Tracey.” I look back at him. I’m just saying.

  “So if you all are bound, nothing would change in your relationship?” His question sparks my interest.

  “Probably not,” Nathan answers.

  “So why haven’t you?” I want to know the answer to that as well. Scott and I turn to Nathan.

  He pushes his hand through is hair and looks at me. “Tracey.”

  “No, answer the question.”

  He takes a breath before looking at Scott to answer him. “I haven’t known Tracey for that long, yet it feels like I’ve known her for my lifetime. But because of the short amount of time, I feel like I’m taking her away from the rest of her life too soon. She enjoys being around her friends, and being out with no obligations—doing what she wants, when she wants.”

  He grabs my hands. “And I don’t want to take that from her. I don’t want her to feel obligated to check with me before she does something. Or, while she is out, she can’t enjoy herself, for having the desire of and for me, needing me. I don’t want to crowd her—although, I know she wouldn’t mind if I did. But I feel like if we bound, I’ll be taking her freedom.” He places his face against the back of my head. “Even though, she has reiterated her commitment to me, so my worries aren’t relevant in what we are building as well as what we have.”

  What are you saying, Nathan? I mock him.

  He lets out a breath through his nose, kissing my head. Whatever you want, Tracey, I’m all in.

  If you keep talking like that, Scott’s going to have to leave.<
br />
  He laughs out loud.

  “Wait, and you trust what she has said?” Scott asks abruptly.

  “How can I not? I’m in her head. It would be pointless if I didn’t. I asked her to trust me, and she didn’t even know me. She only knows what I tell her. She can’t look in my head and decipher what I say. Although, she can feel what I feel, she can tell my moods, and she can determine when I think about telling her a lie or telling her the truth—but that would be stupid.”

  “Yeah, it would,” I exclaim.

  “Tracey, what makes you accept him though—knowing what he is and knowing what he is capable of?”

  Taking a moment before answering him, I realize there is so much to say, but I need to keep it short. “The fact that my heart beats in his chest, I’m here forever.” I shrug. Nothing else needs to be said.

  “Do you love him?”

  “I do.”

  “But you barely know him.” I do.

  He’s got me started. “But what does that mean? What’s to know? Most people are together for years before they say ‘I love you,’ and they don’t know the person they’re lying next to until they say ‘I do.’ Most people know the person they’re with but don’t love them. They live miserably for years until the person dies. And then, they live happily for such a short time until they die, lonely. Then there is a very small number of people who jump at their love at first sight, touch, or kiss. They go to sleep thinking they love the person and wake up thinking they will love the person for the rest of their lives. That’s what I get from you all’s mating explanation.”

  I lace my fingers through Nathan’s. “There is someone for everyone, and when you know, you know. I was just blessed to meet mine now, instead of waiting until my thirties or forties. Plus, there is that small confirmation of the beat of my heart in his chest. So what’s there to question?”

  Nathan gets up instantly and walks towards the door. “Okay Scott, time for you to go.” His hand is on the knob.

  “No, wait—I just have a couple more questions.” Scott sits forward but doesn’t budge.

  “Scott, now is not a good time.”

  “Please, I don’t know what to do. I can’t keep hurting Glen or myself.” Scott puts his hands on his face, then pushes them roughly through his hair.

  Nathan does the same with his left hand. “Okay Scott, what is it you’re trying to figure out?” He moves from the door. “I have nothing else to tell you. You know your girl like nobody else. I can’t tell you what to say or how she will react. She’s already accepted you for you—just add in that if you lose control, you could kill her. And if she says ‘okay,’ then tell her about us. If she says ‘okay’ to that, then you know you can tell her anything.”

  “Is that how you told Tracey?”

  “Umm, not exactly,” Nathan answers, shaking his head slowly.

  “O-Kay?”

  “I kind of tricked Tracey into trusting me before I told her.”

  “Okay, care to share the details?” Scott asks, too interested.

  He shifts uneasily. “I told her life with me would be a risk to her life and mine, and choosing me could be choosing death. Then I made her tell me she trusted me and that she wanted to be with me, basically insinuating that no matter what I told her, she would still choose me.” He looks over to me.

  I already knew that.

  “So you went for that?” Scott turns to me.

  “What other choice did I have? I can’t have Nathan without the bad—not saying that I would change him—so I take him the way he is…burdened,” I say, looking at Nathan, realizing just how much I mean those words and how much feeling is behind them.

  We all go quiet. I’m growing more impatient by the second. Nathan is sitting on the edge of his TV stand, still shirtless. His hair is hanging on the sides of his head and in front of his forehead. He periodically looks over at me, but says nothing. I look over at Scott. He looks like he is literally going back and forth in an argument with himself. Can’t he do that shit in the basement, or even the kitchen?!

  I look over at the clock that sits on the nightstand: it is a quarter to twelve. And I am a quarter to kicking Scott out, and the other seventy-five to attacking Nathan on the TV stand.

  “Scott, look, I understand you’re nervous about telling Glen about you. But you should have thought about that a long time ago,” I say unsentimentally. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be an ass. But you have to tell her. You cannot expect to be with her, hide things, and be happy at the same time. That’s not going to happen. You tell her, and let her decide for herself—not that you left her with a choice—then you will see a change. You never know—she might love you more. Glen is into the ‘bad boy,’ ruthless image.” I hope he will take that bit of advice and leave.

  Scott looks at Nathan. He nods in agreement with me and walks back to the door. “She’s right. Try.” He opens it. “Try right now.” He looks at him. “Please.”

  Scott finally gets up from the chair. “Okay, but check on me frequently, in case something goes wrong. I don’t want her to freak out on me.” He looks despondent.

  “Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to do that. Go ask Taylor.”

  “No, she’s with her mate. Who knows what they could be doing.”

  I don’t know, but I would like to be doing it. “Okay Scott, he’ll check on you. I’ll make sure of it.” I get up and start pushing him towards the door. “Everything is going to be fine. Just go with your gut, and if all else fails, kiss her.” He’s outside the door now. “Thanks for the talk.” He stares at me with puppy eyes.

  “Oh my gosh, what, Scott?”

  “I think one of you should come with me.”

  I close the door right in his face.

  “Not cool, Tracey,” Nathan scolds. He opens the door and Scott is still standing there. “Excuse her. She’s tired and needs to go to sleep.” He gives me a look that makes me want to tell Scott ‘I’m sorry’…once he leaves. “Scott, you know that we cannot accompany you while you tell Glen. This is something only you two can be present for—no other influence.”

  Scott shakes his head. “You’re right.”

  “I’m sorry, Scott. That was mean of me.”

  “No, Tracey, it’s okay. I’ll see you in the morning—hopefully,” he mumbles, as he walks away with a sad face, still fighting with himself.

  I juggle feeling bad—or not. I remember Nathan telling me how hard it was for him to tell me, and how me being open and understanding made it a little easier for him.

  “Right, and Glen may not do that for him.”

  “Okay, now I feel bad.” He moves me from the door, closing it.

  “That might not last for long.” He’s looking down at me. My heart double beats. “Calm down, Tracey.”

  “Forgot,” I say through a chuckled breath.

  “No, you didn’t. Based on what you were saying I—”

  “No, based on what you were saying.” I place my hand against his bare chest. “What were you saying?” I ask in a soft voice.

  “I said a lot,” he answers, moving closer to me. Not that there was much space between us to begin with.

  “Yes, but there were specific things.”

  “Like what?” Mr. BeatAroundTheBush is back.

  “‘Whatever you want, Tracey…’” I say soft and low.

  “I remember saying something like that.” He smirks cockily.

  “What we will build and what we have…”

  “Yes, there was some of that too.”

  I smile. “And—I’ll do whatever Tracey wants me to do, because I love her.”

  He backs away, raising an eyebrow. “I don’t remember saying that.” He leans into me. “But I will, and loving you is not the only reason.” I close the remainder of the distance.

  I kiss him. A very small, light peck on the lips, and move around him to walk to the bed. I grab my shirt and bra and turn to the bathroom. He is in front of me by the time I make it to the door. “Why
did you do that?”

  “What are you doing?” he asks me, ignoring my question, looking at the clothes in my hand.

  “I’m tired. I’m going to give you your shirt back so we can go to sleep.”

  He looks at me through squinted eyes. I sing Glen’s ringtone in my head. “What are you up to, Tracey?”

  “Nothing.” I can’t hold back my smile.

  He pulls the clothes from my hands, throwing them aside. Raising both of my hands in his, he kisses my palms, first my left, then the right. I shiver. He takes them back in his, lacing our fingers. My body tingles from his touch. It stops after a few seconds and I want it back. It felt satisfying.

  “You want me, right?” he asks seductively.

  I nod.

  “You’re going to stay with me through whatever?”

  “Forever.”

  “You’ll love me?”

  “Do you love me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Yes,” I ratify.

  “You may hurt.”

  “You’ll take it away.”

  “I will. But I could lose control.”

  “I’ll take it away.”

  “You will?”

  “I will.” This seems like more than a conversation for reassurance. I look him in his eyes and they are green-brown, staring back at me.

  “Are you tired?” he asks.

  I shake my head, not knowing what to expect. He is still holding my hands.

  My hands are like a child’s in his, but they fit perfectly. I become anxious and butterflies erupt in my stomach. They are all flying at one-hundred miles per hour. Anticipation boils in me, and all I can do is stare back at him. I work on controlling my breathing to calm myself. It’s steady, but every other breath is hesitant.

  “You nervous?” His voice is serious and calm.

  I don’t know how to respond. I am.

  He moves in slowly, kissing me, and the butterflies fly faster, making their way to my chest and through my back. They continue through my arms to my hands, sitting in my palms that are placed into his. He lets go of my hands, and picks me up with ease. I wrap around him, maintaining the kiss. It is intimate, slowly awakening. My heart pounds in passion.