On A Silent Night

by Sterling, S. L.

  Chapter Nine

  Cass

  Ray collapsed on top of me, breathing hard, his sweaty body sticking to mine. He gripped the top of the condom, pulling himself from me and headed toward the bathroom. “Just going to shower, I'll be back.” I watched as he left the room. When I heard the shower running, I let out the breath I was holding and ran my hand over my face.

  Ray had been able to sense how distraught I was, he had come right out and asked me tonight when he arrived. I didn't have the heart to tell him what was on my mind, and I felt awful. Since I had seen and spoken to Brody, he was all that had been occupying my thoughts.

  I listened to the water run and rolled onto my back, staring at the ceiling, thinking back to this afternoon. Brody's words replayed in my mind—Am I too late, Cass? Please tell me you’re not dating this guy? He's got to be twenty years older than you. I mean, is he even able to get it up?

  Sure, Ray was older than me by twenty years or so. He was divorced with a daughter about my age. Our relationship certainly wasn't what I would have thought I would have found myself in after Jackson. He was a rather rough man, but he was a hard worker, and he treated me well. However, the more I thought about our relationship, the more I felt something was missing. I didn't feel it could go much further than where we were right now.

  The longer I lay there thinking about my relationship with Ray, the more Brody started to enter my mind. I grabbed my phone off the bedside table and opened my chat, debating on whether or not to send a message to Brody. Just as I was about to start typing, I heard the shower shut off. I went to put the phone back on the table when the screen lit up with a message.

  Brody: It was good to talk to you, and to see you. Sleep well, see you on Monday.

  I smiled to myself and reread his message. I tapped the side of my phone and bit my bottom lip as I thought about how to respond, then I quickly began typing.

  Cass: Would you like to come for dinner tomorrow night?

  As soon as I hit send, I felt a ball of nerves in my stomach start to quiver, and it felt like hours had passed while waiting for his response.

  Brody: Absolutely

  Cass: I’ll message you tomorrow with the time, you should already know the address.

  I shut my phone off and set it beside me. The bathroom door opened, the light went off, and I could see Ray’s silhouette as he made his way back over to the bed. I had silently been hoping he would shower and head home as usual so I could be alone, but instead, he crawled in beside me.

  “Are you sure everything’s alright? You seem so distant tonight.”

  Normally, I would cuddle up to him afterward, the only time I got any real intimacy from him, but not tonight. Tonight, I wasn’t in the mood.

  “No, I’m fine,” I said, rolling away from him and onto my side.

  I felt the bed move and his body press against mine as he put his arm under my head, his other arm around my waist, pulling me into him.

  “Are you sure? You can talk to me if something is bothering you.”

  “Yep, I’m sure” I could feel the tears start to burn my eyes. “Just tired.”

  He pulled me closer to him and pulled the covers up around us. I closed my eyes tightly and sighed. I didn’t want more physical closeness than what we’d already had.

  “Maybe you need to take some time off?”

  “Take time off from what? I can’t take time off from the store, Ray, I have no employees. Taking time off would mean closing.”

  “I don’t mean from the store, Cass. You’re stressed. I meant from writing this book. I just don’t understand your need to write it. You’re working yourself to the bone.”

  A tear rolled out the corner of my eye. I didn’t want to hear this again even though I feared he was right. Writing part of this anthology meant I would be working a full day at the store and long nights with probably very little sleep. But I didn’t care, all I wanted was support, but he would never understand. The relaunch could mean so much for me. He didn’t understand this was where my passion truly was because he hadn’t known me then. I didn’t respond to his comments. Ray had voiced his thoughts to me more than once on this topic, and I was tired of hearing it. Instead, I changed the subject.

  “What are your plans for tomorrow?”

  “I have a bunch of errands to run, and I’m having dinner at my daughter’s place tomorrow night. You should come. You should meet her.”

  “No, it's good, I’m going to relax at home.” The last thing I wanted to do was meet his daughter. I already knew that she didn’t approve of our relationship. It was odd enough for me dating someone who was so much older, and since I wasn’t sure what direction we were going, I figured it was best not to get involved with his family at this point.

  “Good, you need it,” he said, kissing my neck. “Now, get some rest.”

  It wasn’t long before he was finally asleep, snoring loudly, finally relaxing his grip on me. Despite how tired I was, my mind wouldn’t shut off, and lying here beside him tonight just felt so wrong when my mind was on someone else. I glanced at the clock. It was two, I couldn’t lay here anymore. I slipped out of bed, grabbed my phone, and left the bedroom, shutting the door softly, careful not to wake him.

  I placed two logs on the fire, grabbed some water, and curled up on the couch. I closed my eyes, my mind instantly wandering back to this afternoon. I couldn’t get that kiss out of my mind. What was bothering me, even more, was every time I closed my eyes tonight while Ray and I were having sex, it was Brody I saw.

  Chapter Ten

  Cass

  The smell of chicken and roasted potatoes permeated the house. My stomach let out a loud growl as I opened the oven door, warm heat blasting my face. I pulled the rack out of the oven that held the roasting pan and quickly basted the chicken, giving the potatoes a quick stir. Shutting the oven door, I looked around the kitchen. The coffee cake sat cooling on the rack on the counter. I was surprised it had turned out, it had been so long since I made one.

  This was the first real home-cooked meal I’d had in over two weeks. I had been trying to make something healthy on Sundays, so I could have leftovers for a couple of days, but that hadn’t been happening lately. It wasn’t easy to cook for one, and it had become my new normal to eat something out of a can or box. I found by the end of the night, I was so tired and didn’t feel like putting forth the effort. I turned to check the table—it was set for two, a small candle burning in the center, a bottle of wine chilling in the fridge.

  My stomach felt uneasy as I checked the clock. It was a little after five, Brody was due to arrive at five thirty. I had purposely chosen that time because I knew Ray would be well on his way to his daughter’s, and he wouldn’t be back until after eleven or possibly even the morning. I had been planning to tell him about Brody moving in with me this morning, but I wasn’t even sure how to bring up the subject without starting a fight.

  I went to clean up the mess I had made so far when my phone pinged with an email. As soon as I looked at the incoming message, my stomach started to feel queasy. It was enough having the nerves of being alone with Brody, I didn’t need anything else to help. It was one of the authors working on the anthology, wondering if I was okay with the editing date. She had emailed me earlier this morning, but with Ray stomping around, I hadn’t answered her.

  I was still so behind and barely had a couple chapters down, and I wasn’t proud of any of them. I had never had this much trouble writing in the past, the stories used to just flow. I knew it was all due to the lack of support I felt from Ray—I had never not been supported before. I found it beyond frustrating not to be able to share something like this with him. Jackson had been so supportive, he always wanted me to run everything by him as I wrote, and now, without that, I guess my confidence was waning.

  I took a deep breath and hit reply, typing out the response I was hoping to avoid. I had to let her know there was a possibility I would need a small extension. I knew it wasn’t what s
he wanted to hear, but hell, at the rate I was going, she would be lucky to have my part of the anthology by the end of January which meant they would have to push out the release date. I didn’t want to let this affect me though, I wanted to start out on the right foot.

  The knock on the front door caused me to drop my phone on the counter. Missy had torn off down the hall. I hit send and walked over. Taking a deep breath to calm my nerves, I slowly let it out before I pulled the door open. There he stood, his jacket flung over his arm. He wore jeans and a white cable knit sweater that hugged him tight in all the right places. He looked more built than I remembered, now that I got a good look at him. He was holding a bouquet of red and white carnations, and when he spoke, his voice went right to my center.

  “Evening, Cass.” He held the flowers out for me to take.

  “Hi.” I was unsure of my voice, so I stepped off to the side to let him in, taking the bouquet from his hand.

  “Smells good, Cass. I’ve missed your meals.” He gave me one of his sexy half smiles.

  “I hope you brought your appetite. I made your favorite dessert too.”

  “You know it.”

  I shut the door behind him and went to the kitchen to put the flowers in a vase while Brody took his boots off, my hand shaking the whole way.

  Slowly, he wandered into the kitchen, looking around the room before he sat down on a stool at the island. In the few seconds he had already been there, I felt completely comfortable and totally at peace.

  “What can I get you to drink?”

  “I’ll just have water right now, please.”

  I poured two glasses of water and set his down in front of him, my eyes meeting his. I could feel the tension in the air.

  “So, how have you been? How was your day?”

  “Quiet. First quiet day I’ve had in a while. Yours?

  “It was good, busy,” I smiled.

  Suddenly, Missy let out a loud meow and jumped up on the stool beside Brody.

  “Who is this?” Brody asked, reaching out and petting Missy behind the ears. She rubbed against his hand, purring loudly.

  “That’s Missy, we kind of adopted one another.”

  “Is that so? Well, hello, Missy.”

  “Yep, she has lived with me for a couple years. I found her outside the front door two years ago at Christmas time. I wasn’t going to let her in, but the weather was so bad, she probably would have died out there. She was just a baby, I think someone may have dropped her off. So, I brought her in, gave her some food, and from then on, we became best friends.

  “She’s a lucky cat to have picked your door.”

  “Tell me about it,” I laughed. The room got quiet again as our eyes met. I watched his eyes travel my body which made me feel uncomfortable, knowing he was checking me out.

  “So, are you still writing?” Brody had been super supportive of my career after Jackson died, always wanting to help, but unlike Jackson, he had never seen what I truly went through while trying to write because, by that time, my career had already started to die. He never saw the endless hours I’d spend staying awake while trying to meet a deadline or how stressed I’d become over a new release.

  “I am,” I lied. Well, it wasn’t really a lie, it was more like the half truth. “Just before you got here, I had a couple emails back and forth with another author about an anthology I’m working on.” As soon as the words fell out of my mouth, I instantly regretted them. I didn’t want him to know the truth. “I’m also working on a pretty complex storyline for another book, and I had to ask my editor for a bit of an extension. Good thing she’s flexible,” I laughed, hiding my eyes from him, taking a sip of my water. That was a total lie.

  I could feel his eyes following me as I walked to the fridge to grab the bag of carrots. He knew I was lying, I knew it. I had never been a good liar and didn’t know who I thought I was kidding—myself or him.

  “Well, I’m sure whatever it is, it will be great. Care to share with me what it’s about? It will be like old times, I always loved listening to your ideas.”

  I closed my eyes, afraid he would ask. Good thing my back was to him, so he couldn’t see the sheer panic on my face—I had literally nothing to share with him. I cleared my throat and started peeling the carrots. Just as I was about to start to make something up, the oven timer beeped.

  “Time to baste the chicken again.”

  Grabbing the hot mitts, I opened the oven door and quickly basted the chicken. As soon as I was done, I placed it back in the oven, closed the door, and turned to throw the mitts on the counter across from me, but instead, I came face to chest with Brody. He placed both hands on each of my arms.

  “Can I help with anything?”

  I looked up, studying his eyes. I was afraid to look for too long, fearful he would be able to see everything I was hiding. I instantly became lost in them. It had been so long since I had looked closely into those gentle blue eyes, and I had missed them.

  “You look tired, Cass, maybe you should take a load off. Give yourself a break.”

  I let out a restricted laugh, I could feel myself starting to crumble. “A break? I wish I could take a break, Brody, a whole lot of breaks, but I can’t. I just have a lot on my plate here, things you don’t understand.”

  “What do you mean?” His voice was soft as he ran his hands down my arms, pulled the oven mitts from my hands, and placed them on the counter, his hands returning to mine.

  I shook my head and tried to pull out of his grasp to turn away, but he gripped my arms and kept me facing him. As soon as our eyes met this time, I could feel my lips start to quiver. He felt so safe to me, and if his persistence kept up, I would be a puddle in his arms, and I didn’t want that tonight. I just wanted to spend time with him, getting reacquainted. Our gaze was so intense. I felt his hands loosen their grip, and I pulled away from his comforting touch. I turned away and went back to peeling the carrots, but I could still feel the heat from Brody’s body standing behind me. It was comforting, and instantly, I started to calm down. He reached around me, his chest pushing into my back as he grabbed my hand that held the peeler, his touch sending shock waves through me.

  “Cass, let me do this, go sit down, take a load off,” he whispered in my ear. Chills ran through my body as his breath danced over my skin.

  I stilled, knowing I needed to let him take over even for only a few minutes. I needed to get hold of myself. I stood rigid for what felt like minutes, fighting what I really wanted—his lips on mine while he held me close. When he put his strong hand on my shoulder, I leaned back into him, letting my body rest against his hard chest. I was so confused. I wanted to tell him the truth, I didn’t like lying to him, it wasn’t the way I wanted to start off. His return was proving to be more than I could handle. I was just about to confess when I felt him pull the peeler from my hand.

  “Cass, please go relax.”

  “I’ll pour us some wine,” I said as I released the peeler and grabbed the edge of the counter to steady myself.

  “That sounds like a good idea.”

  I walked over to the fridge, glancing back over my shoulder. He reached behind his head and pulled his sweater off. He was wearing a white t-shirt underneath, and I couldn’t help but watch as his muscles flexed beneath his shirt. I loved how the muscles in his forearms and hands flexed with every stroke as he peeled the carrots. I started to wonder what it would be like to have those hands on my body once again, how good they would feel doing forbidden things to me. What it would feel like to have his lips kiss me all over my body, sucking my nipples into his mouth.

  “Are you getting us wine?”

  The sound of his voice pulled me away from those thoughts, and I pulled the wine bottle out of the fridge and put another in. I poured us each a glass and took a sip before handing Brody his glass.

  “Thanks. Now, go sit down.”

  I took a seat at the table and sipped the cool liquid.

  “So, when are these upcoming books s
et to release? I take it you’re working away on them; how much do you have left to do?” Brody asked, stopping to take a sip of wine.

  Why couldn’t he just let this go?

  “I just started the one and maybe got a couple of paragraphs done today. It’s the other one I’m worried about,” I lied. “I just sit and stare at the screen. You could never imagine the power of a blank page with a blinking cursor.” That part wasn't a lie.

  He was quiet for a moment. “Well, can I help you with it?”

  I laughed at his question, this felt just like old times. “Sadly, you can't. I wish you could.”

  “I remember Jackson would tell me how you would bump ideas off him. Surely, if he could do it, I could help you with that too. I have a pretty damn good imagination.”

  I got quiet, remembering the last idea I had bumped off Jackson—it had been so long ago, but it had ended in a marathon of sex against the kitchen wall. The realization of what he had just said shocked me.

  “He used to tell you about that?” As the words passed my lips, I could hear the shock in my own voice, and I swallowed hard.

  “Why? What's wrong with that, Cass? He just said when you used to get stuck, you would talk to him about it. So, I thought maybe I could help you, at least listen to your idea, maybe you just need to talk it through out loud.”

  I let out the breath I had been holding with a nervous laugh. Thank God he had his back turned toward me and couldn't see the light flush on my cheeks.

  “Excuse me for a second, I just need to use the washroom.” I got up from my chair and headed down the hall. I walked into the bathroom and shut the door, looking at myself in the mirror.

  “Why are you lying to him, Cass?” I asked my reflection. Just be honest with him, he should know the truth. I stood and studied my reflection, completely disappointed with myself when I heard the phone ring. I quickly flushed the toilet and made my way back out into the kitchen.