All She Ever Wanted

by Lynn Austin

  Connie brought out a cake and half a dozen other desserts, and everybody started laughing and talking again. But her father turned to Uncle Leonard, and Kathleen heard him ask quietly, “What about you, Leonard? Did you read those books I gave you?”

  “I read them.”

  “So? What do you think?”

  “I think Jesus would have embraced Communism if He’d lived in today’s world—well, at the very least He’d’ve been a socialist. He cared about the poor and the helpless in society. That’s all I ever wanted—fair treatment for the poor.”

  “It doesn’t do much good to feed and clothe and house the poor,” her father said, “if their souls aren’t saved. Jesus wasn’t just a good man, Len. Either He’s the Son of God or He’s a lunatic for saying that He was.”

  Kathleen saw that Joelle was listening to the conversation, too. She leaned close to her and whispered, “Joelle, Jesus wasn’t a socialist.”

  She smiled and said, “I know what he means, Mom.”

  Later, when the feast finally ended and everyone sat around talking or dozing, Kathleen joined her sister, Annie, in the kitchen to help her and the other women clean up. She was pleasantly surprised when Joelle picked up a dish towel, too. Kathleen had so much to be thankful for, and she’d felt so many old wounds healing on this remarkable day. But she still felt there were unsettled matters in her heart.

  “Annie, I’m trying to remember Mom. I know it was a long time ago, but what do you remember, especially about those last days?”

  “You mean… when she died?”

  “No, no. I don’t want you to relive that. … I’m wondering… I-I’m worried that Mom was angry with me when she died. We had a terrible fight before I left home—”

  “She wasn’t angry with you at all! Just the opposite, in fact. She said she wanted to help you.”

  “Help me? How?”

  “I thought she was planning a party or something for you because she swore me to secrecy. Even Daddy and Uncle Leonard and the boys weren’t supposed to know. But I don’t suppose it matters if I tell now.”

  Kathleen stopped drying the pot in her hands. She held her breath, waiting, while Annie gazed into the distance as if seeing the events all over again.

  “Mama borrowed Connie’s car and we went on a trip—well, two trips, actually. Both times we left as soon as Daddy and Uncle Leonard went to work in the morning and hurried to get back before they came home. It was summer, and I was home from school. I don’t know where the boys were. I asked Mama where we were going and she said, ‘We’re going to help Kathleen. She deserves my help.’

  “I knew you had just left for college, so I thought we were going up there to help you move in or something. But we didn’t. First we went to Brinkley’s Drugstore, and Mama got a whole pile of change. She told me to pick out my favorite candy bar while she went into the phone booth there in Brinkley’s and made some calls. I don’t know who to or how many.

  “When she came out, we got in Connie’s car and drove a long way. Well, it seemed like we went halfway to California because our family never went anywhere in the car except to Bensenville. But it was probably just a couple of hours.”

  “Do you have any idea where you went?” Kathleen asked.

  “I think it was only to Albany, but I can’t be sure. We finally stopped in front of a building that had red-white-and-blue flags all over it and a sign that said ‘reelect somebody or other.’I remember that because I asked Mommy what reelect meant, but she never answered me. She made me wait in the car while she went inside. After driving all that way I was dying to get out, but she said no, she wouldn’t be long—and she wasn’t. She came out right away with an envelope. I know it had money in it because she took me to a restaurant and pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and bought us lunch. It was the first time I ever ate in a restaurant. I wanted to order dessert, too, but she said, ‘We can only spend a little bit. The rest is for Kathleen.’I was really mad at you!” Annie laughed.

  Joelle grabbed Kathleen’s arm. “Rick Trent! Mom, it had to be! Remember what Mrs. Hayworth said about him going into politics?”

  “Yes! I was just thinking the same thing. That must be where the three thousand dollars came from. She probably threatened to go public with what he had done to her. That’s why she dug out his old letters.”

  “What are you talking about?” Annie asked.

  “I’ll explain later,” Kathleen said, brushing away her question. “What was the second trip you took?”

  “Well, we did the same thing the next day—leaving right after breakfast— only this time we drove to a pretty little town by a lake.”

  “Oh, no!” Kathleen covered her mouth with her hand, afraid of what Annie was about to tell her.

  “What?” Annie asked.

  “Go on, please. I’ll explain later.”

  “She met someone by the lake, an older man with gray hair. She made me wait in the car again, but this time I was glad she did because the man got real angry at her. I saw them arguing. When Mom came back, she was shaking so badly she could hardly shift the car. I was hoping we’d eat in a restaurant again, but she tore out of town like the devil was after her. And she didn’t have an envelope this time.”

  “Lorenzo Messina!” Joelle said.

  “She wouldn’t be foolish enough to try to blackmail him, would she?”

  Kathleen breathed. “The car in the lake?”

  “Oh, Mom!” Joelle cried. “He must be the one who murdered her!”

  “Who? Would you please tell me what you’re talking about?” Annie said.

  “What’s going on out here?” their father asked, coming into the kitchen.

  “Get Uncle Leonard,” Kathleen said. “He needs to hear this, too.”

  He thumped into the kitchen with his walker to join them, and Kathleen made both him and her father sit down.

  “I think Mom was trying to get money from people in her past to help me pay for college. That’s what we fought about the last time I saw her, and she swore she’d get it somehow. I never imagined…” She couldn’t finish, horrified by the thought that her mother’s death might have been instigated by her.

  “Aunt Annie just gave us another piece of the puzzle,” Joelle continued when Kathleen couldn’t. “She and Eleanor drove somewhere, maybe Albany, and someone in a campaign office gave them an envelope with money in it—probably the three thousand dollars Eleanor had in her purse when she died.”

  “It had to be Rick Trent, her first husband,” Kathleen continued.

  “That’s why she dug out his old letters—to bribe him. Mrs. Hayworth said that he ran for Congress or something, but if Mom had ever revealed what a dirty, rotten thing he and his father had done, nobody ever would have voted for him.”

  “So he killed her?” Uncle Leonard asked.

  “Maybe. But I think it was probably Lorenzo Messina. Annie said that Mom took her to a little town by a lake the next day and that she argued with an older man with gray hair.”

  “What was she thinking!” Leonard cried. “You don’t try to blackmail a man like him!”

  Once again, the knowledge that her mother had taken such a terrible risk for her sake, made Kathleen feel sick inside. She had to sit down.

  “I think I know what the two tickets to New York City were for,” Joelle said. “I’ll bet she was going to find that Bartlett guy who worked on Broadway and try to get money from him, too.”

  “But she never got a chance,” Kathleen’s father said. “She died before she could go.”

  “I feel awful!” Kathleen wept. “Why didn’t I come home? We could have pieced this all together thirty-five years ago if I had spoken up. I’m so sorry, Daddy! It’s my fault you were in prison!”

  “That’s not true, sweetheart,” he said, taking her into his arms. “You’d never even heard about this Rick fellow or the other guy.”

  “We each had a piece of the puzzle and didn’t even know it,” Annie said. “I’m as guilty as you are
, Kathleen. I never told anybody about the two trips Mama took.”

  “You were nine years old,” Kathleen said. “Mom made you promise.”

  “Listen, now,” their father said, “no one is to blame except the guy who did it. Don’t you think the Good Lord could have brought out all these facts thirty-five years ago if He’d wanted to? But then where would we all be today, and what kind of people would we be? I’d still be a thief, I know that for sure. No, I meant it when I said that it was worth going to prison to find the Lord.”

  “Well, I want to get to the bottom of it,” Leonard said. “It had to be Lorenzo Messina. I’ll go to the police and get them to reopen the case.”

  “The police won’t care,” Kathleen said. “As far as they’re concerned, it was solved. Dad served time for the crime. Besides, wouldn’t Messina be long dead by now? Wasn’t he in his forties when you moved to Deer Falls in 1929? He’d be, like… 115 years old by now.”

  “You always were a math whiz,” her father said proudly.

  “I’ll help you, Uncle Leonard, if you want me to,” Joelle said. “I can go on the Internet and Google Richard Trent. We can find out what years he ran for office. And we can try to find out about the mobster guy, too. Maybe we can even find out who the poor guy in the bottom of the lake was.”

  Annie shook her head as if the conversation was making her dizzy. “The bottom of the lake? I don’t even want to ask!”

  “I’d be grateful for your help, young lady,” Uncle Leonard said. “We’ll file a lawsuit. Donald deserves compensation from the blasted government for wrongful imprisonment all these years.”

  “Good luck with that,” Kathleen said wryly.

  “I’ll bring my laptop next time we visit,” Joelle said. “We can find all kinds of things on the Internet. We are coming back to visit again, aren’t we, Mom?” she asked, turning to Kathleen. “Like for Thanksgiving and Christmas and stuff?”

  “I would like that,” Kathleen said, with a smile. “And speaking of Christmas, Daddy…”

  “Oh, no,” he groaned. “You’re not going to mention the stolen Christmas tree, are you? I was hoping you’d forgotten that.”

  “How could I forget?” she laughed. “I was your accomplice!”

  “Well, what I remember,” Uncle Leonard said, “was how those men from Kathleen’s church came to the door with all the presents… and me in my underwear, gaping at them like they’d just landed from Mars. One was the bank president, and the other was one of the Brinkleys, from the drugstore. I couldn’t imagine why two capitalists would bring presents like that. What was in it for them? But back to your lawsuit, Donald—”

  “No, no, no,” he said, holding up his hands. “We won’t talk about lawsuits today. Do what you want another day, Len, but today we’re going to sit down and feast and enjoy this day and each other. Let the past stay in the past. It doesn’t do any good to rake it up. The truth is, we each have a chance to start all over again, every day of our lives, if we know the Lord.”

  “Is this the start of another sermon?” Uncle Leonard asked. “Because if it is…” He tried to act grumpy, but Kathleen saw him smile.

  “Yes—but I’ll make it brief. If you pack up and run away from your problems, they tend to come with you. I think some of you know what I mean. The only way we can really start all over is to do what I did: become a new man in Christ. The Bible says old things are passed away then, and all things are new. You still have to deal with the past and ask for forgiveness, of course. Repentance is part of becoming a new man in Christ. But only He can make all things new.”

  “You mean to tell me,” Leonard said, “that you can just forget all about being in jail for a crime you didn’t commit?”

  He thought about it before answering, and Kathleen saw his eyes fill with tears. “There’s a prayer I learned to pray in Attica—I think it’s part of a longer prayer. But the part I like says, ‘Let what we suffer teach us to be merciful—let our sins teach us to forgive.’”

  Kathleen reached to squeeze his hand and said, “Amen, Daddy. Amen.”

  Chapter

  35

  BETHESDA, MARYLAND

  They were almost home, and they were stuck in a traffic jam. Kathleen drummed her fingers on the steering wheel, trying not to grow impatient. She glanced over at Joelle, who had headphones on and was nodding in time to one of her CDs. She was in her own world, yet Kathleen felt so much closer to her than she had when they’d left home just a few days ago. She had reluctantly agreed to this journey, hoping it would bring them together—and she had gotten so much more than she had ever wanted.

  Joelle turned to her suddenly and pulled off the headphones. “Are you going to look for another job when we get home?” she asked.

  “I thought I would wait until the fall. Why?”

  “We should go to Mexico, Mom.”

  Kathleen laughed. “You mean now? Just keep driving until we get to Mexico like Thelma and Louise or something?”

  “No, not like that.” She made a face. “I was thinking, you know, they need chaperones for the youth group trip to Mexico, remember?”

  Kathleen stared at her. “Do you really want to go? The living conditions will be pretty primitive, you know.”

  “I know.” She smiled and held out her hand, admiring the sapphire ring on her finger. “I really like Uncle Leonard. He’s awesome!”

  Kathleen laughed out loud.

  The traffic started moving again, and twenty minutes later they were off the interstate and nearly home. The sight of all the opulent homes made Kathleen feel a little guilty—but also very grateful. She thought of her father’s prayer and recited it to herself again: Let what we suffer teach us to be merciful—let our sins teach us to forgive.

  “Joelle…? ” she said suddenly.

  “Yeah, Mom?” She pulled off the headphones.

  “On the way there I asked you what you wanted to do with your life, and you said you wanted to do something that mattered, remember?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’ve been thinking about Grandma Fiona and my mother, and my own life, too—the dreams we had, the choices we made. Something was missing. When we were figuring out what we wanted out of life, we forgot to ask God what He wanted. That’s what I hope you’ll ask. A clue to His answer is usually in the gifts He gave us—for me it was something to do with my abilities with numbers. But my father was right when he said that our only purpose in life is to bring God glory. I should have used my gifts for that, not to get a fancy house and cars and things like that. Maybe it’s good that I lost my job. I can start all over and do it right this time. You’re just at the beginning of adulthood. I hope you’ll give your life to Him and seek His dreams for you. I’m sure they’re more wonderful than anything we can dream of.”

  “I know, Mom,” she said quietly. Kathleen glanced at Joelle and saw her wipe away a tear.

  “Mom?” she said a few minutes later. “The men in Grandma Fiona’s and Grandma Eleanor’s lives weren’t very nice, were they—Rory Quinn, Arthur Bartlett, Rick Trent. Even Grandpa wasn’t always very nice.”

  “No, they weren’t. I imagine that Fiona and Eleanor just wanted to be loved, and instead they allowed men to use them. I remember how lonely I was when I was a teenager. I was pretty vulnerable back then, too. All that most people want is to be loved. But don’t start hating men, Joelle.

  There are a lot of good ones out there. I recommend you start by making sure he’s a man of faith.”

  “You made a good choice, Mom. Dad is really great, isn’t he?”

  “Yeah, he really is.”

  They pulled into the driveway, and Kathleen felt choked up when she saw all that God had given her.

  “Dad’s home!” Joelle said.

  They saw his car parked in the garage as the automatic door went up. He was sitting at the kitchen table, eating Thai takeout and reading the Wall Street Journal when they walked in the door. He had his sleeves rolled up and his tie loosened; Kathle
en thought he’d never looked more handsome to her. Joelle threw her arms around him first.

  “I missed you, Dad!”

  “Me too,” Kathleen said. He looked from one to the other, as if unable to comprehend why they were both in tears as they greeted him.

  “What’s going on with you two? I mean, I’m flattered, but…”

  Kathleen who was always so controlled, always afraid to say how she felt, always so afraid of rejection, vowed that things would be different from now on. She wrapped her arms around his neck and looked into his eyes.

  “I love you, Mike.”