Her Journey Begins

by Karen Einsel

  Chris clenches and unclenches her hands as she watches her walk away.

  

  It’s been two months since she was laid off. Groaning Chris is counting out all the money she has left. “Ugh, there is never going to be enough no matter how many times I count it. Oh God what am I going to do.” And she lays her head down on the table. She’s already 2 weeks late on the rent. Her lab classes are supposed to be starting next week and she can’t pay for those and she has nothing left to sell at yard sales. Lifting her head up, she sweeps her hand across the table, scattering the bills and change all over the floor, then lays her head back down. Finally Chris gets down on her hands and knees and picks up the money while sniffling and muttering, “They will just have to take what I’ve got.”

   Sitting at the landlord’s kitchen table Chris looks down at the stacks of coins and bills she brought. “But it’s all I have.”

  “I’m sorry Chris I can’t take the $176 dollars. The owner has been on my case for letting the tenants slip behind on their rent. In order for you to stay, you need to pay this month’s and next month’s rent, the late charges and renew your $100 dollar security. There’s nothing else I can do.”

  “How am I going to come up with $650 dollars?”

  “I don’t know. I am really sorry that I have to do this, but all tenants that are behind right now are getting the 3 day pay or quit notices. If you can’t come up with the total amount in 3 days, you have until the end of the month to move. That’s the best I can do.”

  

  Walking into her photography class later that night Chris walks up to the professor.

  “I am going to have to drop my class.”

  “Why, what’s wrong?”

  “I can’t afford to take the lab classes and if I can’t afford to take them then I have to drop this class also. So tonight will be my last class.”

  Once class is over, Chris hands the drop sheet to the professor to sign. “Is there anything I can do to help you?”

  “Not unless you can find me a really cheap apartment. I was laid off my job after the holidays and have fallen behind on my rent, so I am being evicted at the end of the month, that is, if I can’t come up with the total amount they want. I’m sorry, this isn’t your problem. I just wanted to thank you for being such a wonderful teacher. I learned a lot from your class.”

  “I am really sorry to hear that. You are one of my best students and you have the potential to be a great photographer. What are you going to do?”

  Looking down Chris shakes her head, “I don’t know.” She puts her hand out to him, says goodbye and walks towards the door.

  “Chris, maybe there is something I can do for you. Wait up and I’ll walk out with you.”

  As they are walking out towards the parking lot he notices that his is the only car left. “Do you need a ride?”

  “No thank you, I’ll take the bus.”

  “Chris, I can’t pay for your lab classes, but maybe there is another way I can help with your living arrangements. I have an extra room at my place. I have been meaning to put up a notice on the bulletin board looking for a roommate. If you would be interested in renting it, I am only asking $100 a month. I was looking for a male roommate, but I can’t see anything wrong with having a female roommate. I mean you would have your own room and all the privileges a guy would.”

  “I’m not sure, but I do thank you for the offer.”

  “Here let me give you my number. Think about it and let me know before next week’s class. Then if you don’t want it, I’ll be able to put up a notice when I come in next week.”

  Riding the bus home, Chris thinks about what he said and starts calculating in her head. Right now, I’ve got $176 dollars so I would have the first month’s rent covered and then when I get my $75 from unemployment I’ll have enough to pay the next month’s rent and still be able to afford some food.

  

  Lying in bed that night thinking she will have to decide sometime this week or come up with another idea, Chris doesn’t want to take him up on his offer, but what other choice does she have. With her stomach growling she cries herself to sleep.

  

  Up early the next morning, Chris makes herself half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and then uses the last of her coffee to make a fresh pot. She cleans up the apartment and looking around, she knows she needs to get out of here for awhile. As her stomach begins to growl she wonders what mom’s making for lunch, maybe she’ll stop by there before going over to the cemetery to see Brandon.

  

  Walking up to the porch, Chris sees Barb sitting on the porch swing. “Hi Chrissy, what are you doing here? Aren’t you working today?”

  “Hi mom, no not today. I thought I’d stop and…Her stomach growls and she smiles.

  “Come on, I’ll warm you up some of the leftover enchiladas I made last night for dinner.”

  “Thanks mom.” Chris tells her as she follows her into the kitchen.

  “Are you doing okay Chrissy? You look awful thin and tired.”

  “I’m fine mom. I just wanted to stop by and visit you before I go see Brandon. Mom, do you believe in fate? I mean you’re always telling me everything happens for a reason and…”

  “Are you referring to Brandon dying?”

  “Yeah. You know mom, the day he died, everything was weird. I had felt uneasy when Brandon took me to work that day. He even wanted to take me back home, but I told him I’d be okay. I blamed myself for him dying for awhile and yet I blamed his mom, because if she wouldn’t have disowned him, I don’t think we would have been working there still. Then Amber told me it was her fault that he was late because her car wouldn’t start after their class. Even Brent has blamed himself for working overtime that night or he would have been there.”

  “Why would Brent have been there?”

  “Because he always drove by the store on his way home and if Brandon wasn’t there Brent would stay with me until Brandon got there.”

  “Didn’t that upset Brandon?”

  “It did the first time, but Brent told him, “If you’re not here when I drive by, even if I have to sit in the parking lot, I will stay here until you get here, because it’s not safe for Chris to be here by herself that late at night.” I don’t know why mom, but do you think that with everything that happened it was just Brandon’s time to go? I mean even if I had stayed home, he could have been mugged in the parking lot at school or had a car crash on the way home.”

  “I don’t know Chrissy.”

  Chris looks towards the driveway. “Where’s dad at?”

  “He went to go help Tim and Judy move some things into storage. They leave next week for Japan. If they don‘t quit cutting your dad‘s hours we are going to have to pack up and move to Japan too.” Barb chuckles at the look on Chris’ face. “I’m kidding. Even if the company closes down your dad and I will be okay. We‘ll just have to cut back some more. How about your job, is everything okay? They haven’t cut back your hours again have they?”

  Chris hates to lie to her, but she doesn‘t want Barb to worry. “My job’s okay.” Chris changes the subject. “So why didn’t you go to help?”

  “I don’t know really. For some reason, I had this gut feeling that you would be by today and I didn’t want to miss you.”

  Chris smiles, “Well I guess your gut was right.”

  “Chris, do you want a ride to the cemetery?”

  “No, I think I’ll just take the bus, visit with him for awhile and then I’ll take the bus home.”

  “What are your plans for when you get home?”

  “I have some laundry to finish and by the time that’s done, it will be time for dinner. Then I think I will do some reading.”

  “Chris I’m going to have a going away dinner for Tim and Judy next Saturday. Do you think you can come? They’d really like to see you before they leave.”

  “I don’t know mom, I’ll have to check my schedule. Well I better get goin
g. Thank you for lunch.”

  Barb walks out on the porch and hugs her. “I love you Chrissy.”

  “I know mom, I love you too.”

  As she is walking down the sidewalk, Chris looks back at Barb with the feeling that she might never see her again. “Give dad a hug for me and tell him, I love him too.”

  

  Kneeling at Brandon’s grave Chris feels a hand on her shoulder. Looking up to see who it is, she quickly stands up. Chris recognizes him as the man that came in and bought cigarettes at the store.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  “Look, I don’t know who you are and I’m to the point that I don’t really care. I don’t know what she wants from me. I gave her back her son. I signed the papers for the annulment, I stayed away from the funeral and I let her have his possessions. I have nothing left to give her, so just tell her to leave me alone.” Chris turns to walk away and he stops her.

  “You think I’m here on my sister’s behalf? She doesn’t need me to do her dirty work.”

  Chris looks at him, “Your sister? Who are you and what do you want?” She asks letting her shoulders slump but doesn‘t let him answer her. “I’m sorry, just go away and leave me alone.” And Chris walks away knowing he’s watching her.

  

  Getting back to her apartment Chris folds her clean clothes and puts them away, makes herself another half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and warms up the last of the coffee in the coffeepot from this morning. Pulling the paper out of her pocket with his number on it, she walks down to the corner to use the payphone and calls the professor, letting him know that she is taking him up on his offer and she wants to move in next weekend.

  

  Up early after a terrible night’s sleep Chris goes in and makes herself a cup of tea. Sitting at the table she thinks about the nightmare that she had last night. It’s the same one she has every time after she’s been to the cemetery. She’s looking down at Brandon in his coffin and he opens his eyes and looks at her. “Why weren’t you at my funeral? Why was Amber sitting in the seat that was meant for you?” “Because your mom wouldn’t let me come to your funeral.” And he tells her, “To hell with my mom. I stood up to her for you, why couldn’t you stand up to her for me? You were my wife, why weren’t you there to say goodbye to me. I loved you and you weren’t there.” She always wakes up crying and whispering, “I’m sorry” after having this particular dream. Wondering if he’s trying to let her know…what? What? What do you want me to know Brandon? Why can’t you just come to my dreams and tell me that you and our little girl are okay and that you love me and you miss me, like I… like I miss you. Her thoughts start out loud and strong in her head and then taper down to a whisper. Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, she gets up from the table. She needs to get dressed, she tells herself, so she can walk to the market down the street and see if she can get some boxes. On her way back she stops by her neighbor’s to see if she can borrow some coffee.

  “Hi Chris, how are you?”

  “I’m doing okay. I was just wondering, can I get some coffee from you. I don’t want to have to go to the grocery store right now.”

  “Sure come on in.” She puts two scoops in a container and hands it to Chris.

  “I don’t need that much.”

  “That’s okay, I hardly ever drink it. In fact I can give you more if you want.”

  “No, that’s plenty. Thank you. While I’m here, I also wanted to let you know, I’ll be moving out next week.”

  “You’re moving? Why?”

  “I am going to be sharing a house with someone, so I’ll be closer to the college. That way I won’t have to put up with the bus rides every day.” I’m lying, she thinks to herself; no not really, I’m just not telling her the whole story. By next week, everyone here will know I was evicted, what difference does it make? None really, I just don’t want people feeling sorry for me.” Shaking her head she tells herself, “You have got to quit having these mental conversations with yourself.” Smiling she thanks the neighbor and goes back to her apartment.

  

  The whole week has felt crazy. One minute time seems to fly by and the next it feels like it’s just standing still. She keeps telling herself, Everything is going to work out for the best and yet she has this feeling she’s headed for doom. She is going to have to ride the bus out to the professor’s house when she moves, so she needs to go through everything and get rid of everything she doesn’t need. As she goes room to room, Chris boxes up the items she can’t take and then she double checks every nook and corner, not wanting to miss something important.

  

  Getting up Saturday morning she feels nervous and her stomach feels queasy. Taking one last look around Chris picks up the two grocery bags of her clothes and necessities, grabs her camera case and photo album and says goodbye to this corner of her life.

  

  Chris glances at the clock and then sits down at the table. Thinking back, the first few months weren’t so bad. He was fine until the first time she couldn’t pay her rent. She remembers all she had was seventy five dollars and had told him she would try and get the rest by next week. He didn’t say anything, just walked out and went to work. She was in bed when he came home. She could hear him making all kinds of noise in the kitchen, opening and slamming shut the cupboards, turning on the water, and stomping around. Not really wanting to know what he was doing, she closed her eyes and hoped she would fall asleep when he unexpectedly walked into her room. She remembers the lights were on in the living room and she could see that he was standing there naked.

  “What are you doing? Get out of my room.” As she started to get up he walked over and pushed her back down on the bed. He’d been drinking. She could smell the booze on him.

  “Your room?” he had asked her. “No, since you can’t pay your rent, this is my room, in my house, not your room.”

  The tone in his voice frightened her.

  “What are you saying? I gave you what I had and I told you I’d get the rest to you next week.”

  “What I’m saying is, if you can’t give me all the money for your rent, you’ll just have to pay for it in other ways.”

  She went to get up again and he shoved her back down, he grabbed her panties, and ripped them off of her. “Please… you can’t do this.” Chris screamed and struggled against him.

  “I don’t know who you are yelling for, there’s no one here to help you.” Holding her down he got on top of her and her mind started racing, he’s going to rape me. No matter how hard she struggled, he was stronger than her. When he was done he got off of her and threw her money at her. “Here, hold on to it you’ll need it towards next month’s rent, but just remember, if you don’t have the full amount, you’ll have to pay for it in other ways.”

  Lying there hurt and violated, afraid to fall asleep, she cried, “Oh Brandon, why did you have to die? You didn’t have to save me. It should have been me they shot, not you.” Finally she cried herself to sleep only to wake up the next morning afraid to face the day.

  

  Thinking he had left, Chris comes out of her room and is alarmed when he walks out of the kitchen. He leered at her. “You look like shit. What’s the matter didn’t you sleep well? Funny, I slept like a baby.”

   Chris waited for him to leave before she stepped into the shower. Letting the hot water spray down on her Chris touched the bruises on her inner thighs. She grabbed the wash cloth and soap and tried to scrub the sweaty feel of him from her body. Sobbing she slid down and sat hugging her knees till the water ran cold.

  She tossed her sheets into the washer and sat down at the kitchen table frantically trying to think if she had anything to sell. She looked down at her hands as she fidgeted and twirled her rings around before she looked up towards the ceiling, “Oh Brandon, I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else to do.” She remembers she slipped off her engagement ring, looked at it and put it back on
, before getting up.

  Later that night lying in bed, alone and terrified, hoping last night’s incident didn’t happen again, Chris finally breathed a sigh of relief, when she heard his snoring coming from the other room.

  

  This time she made sure he was gone before she came out of her room. She grabbed some blank paper and markers. There has to be a few people around the neighborhood that could use a baby sitter.

  

  When she handed him the $75 she had and the $30 she had made baby sitting he became agitated and irritable. Maybe because he couldn’t take the rent out in trade frustrated him, she didn’t know for sure, she just knew that she needed to make sure she did things his way or she would pay in one way or another. The first time he hit her was for the stupidest thing. Well he didn’t actually hit her, but… She had put on a pot of coffee and had forgotten to turn it on to brew. As she was laughing at how dumb she was, he grabbed her around the arm, yelling at her, he shoved her against the kitchen sink. She’ll never forget that first bruise on her hip. It hurt for days.

  She’s used to adversity in her life. She only remembers being hit once, but the foster mother before Barb, loved to leave those fingertip bruises in her upper arms. Sometimes they were accompanied by small crescent shaped cuts where she dug the tips of her fingernails in. Only one time did Chris try to pull away, leaving 4 to 6 inch scratches on her arm. No, Chris learned to do what needed to be done, never make the same mistake twice, and just never complain, because there’s nothing she could do about it.

  

  She gets up, pours her self a cup of coffee, and glances at the clock before sitting back down. He’s become unbearable and possessive. He won’t let her leave the house by herself, she has no money coming in, thanks to him, but at least she’s learned to black out the sex and not fight him. Thankfully he uses a condom. So she doesn’t worry about getting pregnant. She pawned her engagement ring months ago. She only got forty dollars for it, but it helped pay the rent that month. Two months ago he came home and threw crumpled paper at her. Yelling and screaming he told her, “I don’t want my phone number plastered all over town, if I find any more of these hanging up, you will know what pain is. “That’s okay” she thought to herself, “the people I’ve been working for already have the phone number, I can get by on what I’m making from them. I’ll be able to pay him the rent for now at least.”