Who Said It Would Be Easy?

by Cheryl Faye

  How could you do this to me, God? You know how much Charisse wants to have a baby but You gave me weak sperm. I can’t even give her a child. She’s been faithful to You. She’s changed her life for You and so have I, and this is the thanks we get? I haven’t known You long, and was probably one of the biggest sinners out there, but I’ve changed. Is this my punishment? If so, fine, but why punish Charisse? She doesn’t deserve this. You know how important this is to her.

  Rooted in a pain he could not unravel, Stefàn was so anesthetized by his agony that he didn’t even realize he was crying. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he lifted the glass to his lips and finished off the contents. “She doesn’t deserve this,” he drunkenly mumbled as he lowered his head to the table.

  IT WAS AFTER TEN AND CHARISSE WAS DESPERATE WITH WORRY. Stefàn hadn’t answered any of her calls, not at his office nor on his cell. Where could he be? Although he had put up a good front when Dr. Chase dropped the bomb about his condition, Charisse knew Stefàn well enough to realize how shaken he had been at the news. He had asked that she not tell anyone about the doctor’s report, but how could she ask anyone for help without explaining what had happened?

  Julian will probably know where he is if he’s not with him. She would be highly surprised if Stefàn hadn’t confided in Julian what had been going on with them. Suspecting he felt this was an assault on his manhood, Charisse knew the men’s bond was such that even this was something Stefàn would most likely share with his closest friend, so she called him.

  Michele answered the call after two rings.

  “Hi, Shelly, it’s Charisse.”

  “Hey, girl. What’s up?”

  “Is Stefàn there?”

  “No, he hasn’t been by tonight. Is everything okay?”

  Charisse could hear the immediate concern in her tone. “No,” she shakily replied. “Is Julian there?”

  “Yeah, hold on a minute. I’ll get him.”

  “Thanks.”

  Charisse could hear in the background, “Honey, come get the phone. Risi’s looking for Stefàn.”

  Seconds later, Julian came to the phone. “Hey, Risi. What’s up?”

  “Julian, Stefàn hasn’t come home and I’ve been calling him and he won’t answer his phone. Do you know where he might be?”

  “What happened?” he asked instead of answering her query.

  “I don’t know if he told you that we were seeing a doctor today ’cause we were having trouble getting pregnant.”

  “Yeah, he told me.”

  “Well, we found out today that something’s wrong with him. When we left the doctor’s office, he insisted that he was fine and that he was going to work. He said he would be straight home afterward, but I haven’t been able to reach him. I knew he wasn’t fine, but he wouldn’t tell me how he was really feeling.” She was crying openly now. “I’m worried about him, Dub. I want him to come home.”

  “Risi, don’t worry. I don’t know where he is right now, but I’ll find him and bring him home, okay?” Julian assured her. “You stay by the phone. I’ll call you as soon as I know something.”

  “Thank you, Julian. I love him so much. Tell him that I love him when you find him, please.”

  “I will, baby. Don’t worry. I’m sure he’s all right. He probably just needed some time to process what’s happening, that’s all. I’ll find him.”

  When Julian hung up the telephone, he turned to Michele and said, “I’ve got to go out for a minute, baby, see if I can find Coop.”

  “What’s the matter?” she asked.

  “Stefàn hasn’t come home and he’s not answering her calls. She said he got some pretty bad news this morning that’s got his head messed up,” Julian answered.

  “Do you think you know where he is?”

  “Well, I know where he used to hang. I’m going to try those spots first.”

  “Be careful, okay? And call me as soon as you find out anything. Should I wake Jay and go over and stay with her?”

  “No, she’ll be all right. I probably won’t be gone that long. Just pray for them.”

  “I will.”

  Julian hit three spots in the surrounding neighborhood that he and Stefàn used to frequent regularly before he stepped into The Den. Although they had occasionally darkened this particular bar’s doors in the past, it was not one of their regular haunts. The Den’s usual clientele was a little below the standards of the folks they used to run with. Besides, neither of them hung out like they once had since they both had families to care for now.

  Despite the irregularity of their visits, they were known by the owner, Jerry, who was at the register behind the bar when Julian entered. The man called to him, “Hey, Dub, your boy’s in a bad way back there.”

  “Thanks, man. I was looking for him.”

  Stefàn was seated at the rearmost table with his back to the door. His head was down, as if he had fallen asleep. The jacket of his suit was carelessly thrown across the back of the chair facing him, and an empty glass rested on the table before him.

  Julian placed his hand on Stefàn’s shoulder when he reached the table. Stefàn’s head jerked up and he bellowed, “Let me get another one, Jerry!” Blinking to clear his vision, his upper body swayed as he recognized Julian. “Dub! Whassup…my brotha? Wa’chu doin’ in here?”

  Julian picked up Stefàn’s jacket and carefully draped it across the back of the chair next to him as he took the seat across from his friend. “I came to get you.”

  Frowning as though Julian’s words had not immediately registered, after a prolonged moment he rubbed his temple and voiced, “You… came ta…get me? Why?”

  “Because Charisse is worried about you. How come you haven’t answered any of her calls?”

  “Cha…risse,” he slurred and his lips curled into a crooked smile. “You know…Dub …my wife is a…helluffa woman.”

  “I know, she is.”

  Stefàn’s head dropped suddenly as if his neck had broken. Seconds later, he slowly lifted it and looked at his best friend. “Know what?”

  “What?”

  “I’m shootin’…blanks.”

  Julian’s heart lurched in his chest.

  “I can’t make no babies, Dub.” Stefàn sighed. “She wants …a baby an I…can’t…make none.”

  “More than that, she wants you to come home,” Julian gently stated.

  Shaking his head, he murmured, “Can’t go home.” Stefàn’s eyes began to water. “How c’n I look at her? I love her…so…much and I…can’t…even give her the…one…thing she wants.”

  “The only thing she wants, Coop, is for you to come home. She’s worried about you.”

  “But…what c’n I say ta her?”

  “Tell her you love her, like you just told me. She loves you, man. She told me to tell you that. Charisse wants you to come home. All that other stuff, she doesn’t care about. She just wants you,” Julian assured him.

  “Dub, am I…so bad that God…had to pun…ish me like…this? I know I messed…up b’fore, but I’m not that bad…am I?”

  Julian’s eyes became watery. He empathized with his dear friend’s pain. “God’s not punishing you, Stefàn. Just ’cause the doctors say one thing, don’t make it the final word. Besides, that was only one doctor’s opinion. You need to get a second opinion. That guy could be wrong.”

  “No…he’s not wrong. I can…feel it,” Stefàn said, giving in to his grief.

  Julian refused to allow him to sink any lower into his depression. He grabbed Stefàn’s jacket up and rose to his feet. Grasping his friend’s arm, he said, “Come on, let’s get out of here. You don’t need to be in this place. I’m taking you home.”

  “Can’t go home,” he groaned.

  “Yes, you can. Your wife is worried sick about you and I’m not going to let you sit here feeling sorry for yourself and get more wasted than you already are. Now, come on, get up.”

  Stefàn rose shakily to his feet with Julian’s help. As soo
n as he moved to take a step, he stumbled, but Julian caught him and kept him upright. “I’m a little toasted,” he slurred with a chuckle.

  “You’re more than a little toasted. You stink of vodka.”

  “Well, it’s not like…I wanna kiss…you either,” Stefàn indignantly replied and snickered.

  Julian couldn’t help but chuckle himself. Reaching into his pocket, he removed a roll of Breath Savers. “Open your mouth.”

  “Why?”

  “Open your mouth, man!”

  Stefàn did as he was told and Julian pushed three mints into it.

  “You tryin’ ta say…my…breath stinks?”

  Julian simply shook his head. “Man, if I didn’t love you so much, I would kick your butt.”

  “As if…you could,” he slurred.

  “In the condition you’re in, L’il Jay could kick your butt.”

  Stefàn thought that comment was extremely funny.

  Practically carrying him, Julian guided Stefàn to the front of the bar and toward the exit. “How much does he owe you, Jerry?”

  “Is he all right?” the owner called back.

  “Nah, man, but I’m taking him home.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Jerry said with a shrug. “I figured it was something serious ’cause I ain’t never seen him like that.”

  “Thanks, man. Can I come back and get his car in the morning?” Julian asked.

  “Yeah, just make sure it’s locked up.”

  “A’ight. Thanks.”

  “Later, Jerry!” Stefàn bellowed drunkenly as they exited the bar. He then said, “Dub, you gonna come with me?”

  “Come with you where?”

  “Home. Risi gonna be…mad at me,” he said, sounding quite childlike.

  “How do you think you’re getting home, man?”

  “I’ma drive. How else?”

  “You’re in no condition to be driving anything. We’ll come back for your car in the morning. I’m driving.”

  “I can make it home,” Stefàn argued and immediately misstepped, practically falling to the ground.

  “Yeah, you’re in great shape,” Julian said as he held him up and led him to his car.

  Julian leaned Stefàn against the car as he opened the passenger door.

  “Dub, you think ... she gonna be mad at me?”

  “She’s not mad at you. She’s just worried about you.”

  “No. I mean, ’cause…I’m shooting…blanks.”

  “She don’t care about that.”

  “But she wanna have a baby.”

  “Come on, get in,” Julian said as he tried to physically coax Stefàn into the car.

  “Wa’chu think, Dub? I…can’t make a baby.”

  “You don’t know that for sure. That was just one guy’s opinion. Besides, God’s the one who makes the final decision when it comes to that. Just pray on it, man.”

  Stefàn huffed in disgust. “He don’t wanna hear nothin’ I gotta say.”

  “Come on, man, get in the car.”

  “You think she…still love me?”

  “Of course she does. Why do you think she called me and asked me to find you and bring you home?”

  “I love her so much.” Stefàn suddenly began to sob. “I love her so much, Dub.”

  Julian wrapped his arms around Stefàn and said, “I know you do. It’s gonna be all right, Coop. I promise, everything’s gonna be all right.”

  CHAPTER 22

  A TEST OF FAITH

  Charisse was waiting at the door when Julian pulled up. She was so happy when he called to tell her he was bringing Stefàn home, but he’d warned her about his condition. She had never seen Stefàn drunk and she didn’t know what to expect, but she thanked God that he was home and he was safe.

  It was freezing outside and she only had on her pajamas and robe, but she stood with the door open. It looked to her as if Stefàn was asleep. His head was back against the headrest and he gave no indication that he knew where he was.

  “Thank you, Julian,” she called.

  “Don’t worry about it, Risi.”

  Julian crouched and reached into the car to pull Stefàn out, who looked as if he was unconscious.

  “Is he okay?” Charisse worriedly asked.

  “Yeah, but he passed out on the drive over here. I’ll take him upstairs.”

  Julian lifted Stefàn and tossed him over his shoulder as if he weighed nothing. He walked past Charisse into the house and straight up the stairs to their bedroom. Dropping him on the bed as gently as he could, he removed Stefàn’s shoes and placed them at the foot of the bed.

  Hearing Charisse behind him, he turned to her. “He’s gonna have a monster of a headache in the morning, but he’ll be fine.”

  “Did he tell you what Dr. Chase said?”

  “Yeah. Take care of him, Risi. This is really messing with him.”

  “I will, Julian, and thank you again for bringing him home,” she said as she started to well up.

  Julian reached out and hugged her. “He loves you so much, but he’s scared right now. You’re going to have to be strong for the both of you for a while, Charisse. Don’t give up on him, okay?”

  “I won’t. I never will.”

  Julian kissed her temple and said, “I know you won’t.”

  AFTER LOCKING THE DOOR BEHIND JULIAN, Charisse returned to their bedroom. Stefàn was still flat on his back, and from what she could tell, still unconscious.

  Moving to stand beside him, she leaned over and caressed his face. “My sweet man.”

  Suddenly, he turned his head toward her and opened his eyes. “Risi?”

  “I’m here, baby.”

  As he attempted to turn toward her, Stefàn groaned. “I’m sorry, Risi. Don’t be mad at me.”

  Throwing her arm across his prone form, she said, “Shh, honey, I’m not mad at you.”

  “But I can’t give you no babies,” he said and tears began to flow from his eyes.

  “I don’t care, Stefàn. As long as I have you, I have everything I need.” As she gazed at him through the moisture in her own eyes, she continued, “Besides, Dr. Chase doesn’t have the final say in whether we have a baby or not. Only God can determine that, and I believe that He’s going to bless us in due season. Remember what you said, with everything we’ve got going on He’s probably giving us a chance to get settled? I’m sure that’s what’s happening. But even if it’s His will that we never conceive a child of our own, we could still adopt.”

  He reached up and hugged her with all the strength he had, unable to control the sorrow he felt any longer. They cried in each other arms until they had both exhausted all of their tears.

  “I’m sorry I made you worry,” he mumbled.

  “That’s okay. I’m sorry that…this is happening to us. But one thing I want you to know, Stefàn, and never forget. I love you. I will always love you, no matter what. You’re my husband and we’re going to get through this. Together. Okay?”

  Unable to say anything due to the emotions that were overtaking him, he simply nodded.

  AWAKENING THE NEXT MORNING, Stefàn wanted to die. His head felt as if it were filled with concrete. Unable to rise, but knowing he needed to, he went up on his knees in a feeble attempt to remove himself from the bed. With every part of his body except his knees and his head lifted from the mattress, he groaned.

  Charisse was nowhere to be found and he needed her desperately. “Risi.” It was barely a mumble.

  His stomach was churning uncontrollably and his head was spinning. Stop! Stop turning the bed! He wanted to yell at the unseen forces that were making his world spin out of control, but he didn’t even have the strength to utter those few simple words.

  Seconds later, he collapsed back on to the bed. Like a paraplegic with no control over his limbs, Stefàn attempted to worm his way off the mattress. After what seemed to him like an hour, but was merely five minutes, he was on the floor. Seated with his back against the wooden frame, his head lolled as t
hough his neck muscles had been snapped.

  “Risi,” he groaned once again in a volume no louder than a dying man’s final utterance.

  Without warning, however, in the next seconds, he felt the bile coming up his throat.

  Grateful for the wastebasket beside the bed, he grabbed it, stuffing his face almost entirely inside as he threw up.

  Charisse, at that very moment, was entering the room.

  “Stefàn!” In alarm, she ran to his side, dropping down beside him and wrapping her arms around his heaving shoulders as he retched repeatedly. Ignoring the horrific odor of his vomit, Charisse held on to him, rubbing his back and trying to soothe not only his debilitated body, but his aching heart as well.

  When his regurgitating ceased, Stefàn slowly raised his head and groaned in pain.

  Charisse reached past him and moved the wastebasket as far away as she could from her vantage point. Placing one of his arms around her neck, she tried to help him up from the floor, but found that to be an impossible task.

  “Honey, try to get up.”

  “I’m sick, Charisse,” he moaned.

  “I know, but you don’t want to stay down here. Come on, let’s get you up and back in bed.”

  “My head…”

  “Your head must be killing you. I’ll get you some aspirin, okay?”

  Leaving him momentarily, she took the basket with her to the bathroom. She dumped the offending contents in the toilet and quickly flushed, then placed the basket on the floor of the water closet and closed the door behind her, shutting in the foul stench until she would deal with it later.