Intoxicate

by Tessa Teevan

  “Wine.”

  “Okay, smartass. I can see that. I mean . . . why?”

  I shrug. “Why not? You sacrificed your entire summer to spend with Lily, with us, and I guess it’s just a small gesture to show I appreciate everything you’ve done.”

  Her eyes soften, and a smile forms on her lips. “It wasn’t much of a sacrifice, Xavier. I’ve really enjoyed my time with Lily, and there’s honestly nothing else I would’ve rather done with my summer. In fact, I feel a little bit selfish because I’m kinda bummed your mom’s going to be home tomorrow.”

  You and me both. “Yeah . . .” is all I get out.

  “Lily seemed a bit upset about it earlier, too, and I told her I’m just a few minutes away and that she can call me any time. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “Of course I don’t mind. I’m actually grateful to know you’ll still be around and that she can talk to you whenever she wants. But enough about that. As of right now, you’re officially off duty. So drink up, Kalliope. You deserve it.”

  “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were trying to get me drunk,” she teases as she lifts the glass to her lips to take a sip. “Oh, God, that’s good.”

  “That’s what she said,” I deadpan, unable to help myself.

  She raises one of her eyebrows, and I can tell she’s trying not to grin. “I’m sure that’s what they all say.”

  “I can neither confirm nor deny that,” I respond, and it’s the truth. Part of my brain says to tell her, “Hell yeah, that’s what they say, and so can you.” The other half wants to be honest and say that only a few have had the experience. Instead, I go back to her previous comment. “And to answer your question, no, Kalli, I’m not trying to get you drunk, but I won’t complain if it does happen. You still haven’t taken me up on the whole sleepover thing.”

  Her cheeks flush pink, and I think she’s about to respond when the television volume turns up drastically.

  “Shh! The movie’s starting,” Lily whispers, effectively ruining the moment.

  But that’s okay. After all, the kid may get to stay up late tonight, but she still does have a bedtime. And then I’ll have Kalli all to myself.

  Finally.

  AS SOON as the end credits roll, Lily lets out a dreamy sigh. “Laurie was so handsome,” she remarks, sounding older than her ten years—much like I did the first time I was introduced to Christian Bale in Little Women.

  Xavier and I exchange glances. Mine is full of amusement, and I have to laugh when I see the horror in his.

  “She’s too damn young for this,” he mouths.

  Shaking my head, I look back down at her just in time to see her yawning. Xavier catches her, too.

  “Okay, kiddo. Time for bed,” Xavier tells her.

  She lets out a groan that ends abruptly when he gives her a look. “Thanks for making us watch that, Aunt Kalli. I can’t wait for our next movie night!”

  I smile. “I’ll make sure to set that up with your dad. Now go brush your teeth.”

  “You’ll come say goodnight before you leave?” she asks hopefully.

  “Of course. I’ll be in in a minute.”

  Satisfied with my answer, she flounces out of the room. I lean my head back against the couch, feeling completed relaxed after having had a couple of glasses of wine. Propping my legs up on the table, I close my eyes and let out a deep sigh.

  “I could fall asleep right here,” I admit.

  Xavier chuckles. “It only took me two months and a bottle of wine to convince you of that? I know it’s been a long time, but damn, I’ve really lost my touch.”

  Opening my eyes, I look over at him. “I have a feeling it wouldn’t take much for you to get your groove back,” I tell him.

  He answers me with a cocky grin, and I wonder if this it. If things are about to finally change. We stare at each other, willing the other to break the silence. It’s not going to be me, so after a few beats, I force myself off the couch.

  “Time to go say goodnight one last time,” I quip, feeling a sense of sadness at the finality of my words.

  Just as I’m passing Xavier, he grabs my hand and pulls me back to the couch. The wine—and his forcefulness—causes me to stumble and I fall into his lap. It catches me by surprise, and I bring my hand to his chest to brace myself. I feel his hard muscles underneath his fitted T-shirt, and thoughts of running my hand along his chest to explore the hard lines and ridges flash through my mind. Before I can move, however, his hand comes up to cover mine. I look up at him to see him watching me with hopeful eyes.

  “It doesn’t have to be the last time, Kalliope,” he whispers softly, his hand squeezing mine.

  “I was hoping you’d say that,” I reply honestly.

  He smiles at my response. Off in the distance, we hear the sink faucet turn off, and I know this brief moment has ended.

  “Go on and say goodnight before she comes searching for you and starts asking a whole different round of questions,” he suggests.

  I nod and reluctantly push myself off his lap. When I get to Lily’s room, she’s sitting on her bed, glancing at her walls with a pensive look on her face. I take a spot on the edge of her mattress.

  “I think this place needs a makeover,” she says, turning to face me.

  Patting her pillow, I hold her covers up as she slides underneath them so I can tuck her in. I check out the walls, and while I agree she could stand to lose the My Little Pony wall decals, I’m unsure of where this is coming from.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Look around at this place! It’s just . . . I’m ten years old,” she informs me. “I’m about to be in fifth grade. This is the room of a second-grader. It’s in desperate need of a change,” she says, sounding much like Kirsten Dunst’s portrayal of the dramatic Amy March.

  “Is this a rouse to keep me around?”

  She giggles, and I know I’m right. “No! Well, maybe! Okay, actually I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I just didn’t know when to bring it up.”

  “So you thought right before school starts would be the best time? We’ve had all summer.”

  “Back-to-school shopping?” she suggests, and I laugh at the hopefulness in her tone.

  “You got me there. Talk to your dad about it. Maybe it’s something you and your grandma could do together since she’s been gone all summer.”

  A crestfallen look crosses her face, and I hate that I’ve just disappointed her. “Oh, okay. I just thought . . . Maybe we could . . . Never mind. It was a dumb idea.” She turns away from me, but she’s not quick enough for me to miss the single tear that falls down her cheek.

  “Hey,” I say softly, using a finger to turn her face back towards me. “No tears, girlfriend. You know I’d be more than happy to go with you to redecorate this place. I’m just thinking of Anna. Even though I bet she and Mom had a blast at the beach, I know she missed you. I have a feeling she’ll want to spend some quality time with you before school starts.”

  “That makes sense. I’ve missed her, too.”

  Leaning down, I press a kiss to her forehead. “Of course you do. How about this? You redecorate the room with her, and then you and I will go out shopping for something really special for the room. How does that sound?”

  She mulls it over for a moment before a smile breaks out on her face as she nods. “I like that idea.”

  “Good. Now get some sleep, and I’ll see you when I see you,” I tell her, rising from her bed and moving to the door to turn out the light.

  “Night, Aunt Kalli,” she says, letting out a yawn. “Love you.”

  “Love you, too, Lilypad,” I respond.

  “Always have, always will?”

  “Always.”

  THE LIVING room is empty when I walk back down the hall to retrieve my purse. For once, I don’t want to leave now that Lily’s in bed. I want to know where Xavier’s head is at. So when I walk through the house and see him out on the back deck, I open up the door but hesitate to walk
through. He turns and looks at me, giving me a smile.

  “You going to join me tonight?” he asks.

  I fumble with my purse strap and bite my lower lip. It’s now or ever. “Do you want me to?”

  He points to the table beside him, where a fresh bottle and two filled glasses sit. “I know I don’t want you to go. At least, not yet. I’m not ready. You walk out that door tonight and everything changes.”

  “Is that necessarily a bad thing?”

  He rakes a hand through his hair, and I have the urge to do the same. It’s a little longer than usual, nearly out of regulations, and I love the look on him.

  “No. Yes. Maybe. Hell, I don’t know, Kalli,” he breathes out.

  “What are we doing here, Xavier?” I let out a sigh and lean my head against the door. I have a feeling that, by the time Xavier Cruz is done with me, I’m going to have a severe case of whiplash.

  He gestures to the chair next to him, and I take it, folding my legs under me as I look at him.

  “I want to be completely honest with you. Maybe I was preemptive a few weeks ago when I told you I liked you, but at the time, I felt like it was important for you to know. I know nothing changed after that, and I think it’s because you were still Lily’s nanny or whatever. There’s been no you and me. It’s always been you and Lily and then you, me, and Lily. We’ve known each other for years, Kalli, but we haven’t had a chance to get to know each other just as Xavier and Kalli. It’s always been Lily’s dad and Kale’s sister.” He pauses, and I nod because it makes perfect sense. “I guess what I’m saying is . . . I need time. I need to separate the Kalli who loves Lily and the Kalli I’m attracted to.”

  “She’s the same girl, Xavier,” I protest.

  “Not to me. If I were a single guy without a kid, I’d be jumping at the chance to date you. But the reality is, I’m not that guy. I know, deep down, you’d never do anything to hurt Lily. It’s just . . . I need to make sure that my feelings for you are because of how I feel about you. Not because my daughter loves you and it’d be so easy for me to love you just because of that.”

  Whoa. I wasn’t expecting such brutal honesty. I let out a deep breath and bite my inner lip to try to push back the unexpected tears that are threatening to form. He must see it because he curses under his breath.

  “Dammit. Kalli, that came out wrong.”

  I give him a reassuring smile and shake my head. “No, it’s fine. I won’t say the bluntness of it didn’t catch me off guard, but you’re right. That’s the reality of the situation, and you wouldn’t be the father you are if you didn’t go into this with caution. So I get it. I promise I do. Especially with your history. You have think of Lily first and foremost.”

  He nods, looking appreciative that I understand where he’s coming from. “It’s just . . . I know I should be able to view this differently. You’re different than anyone I’ve wanted to pursue over the years.”

  I raise an eyebrow, curious if he’s actually going to open up for once. I’m morbidly curious about how he’s spent the last ten years and how he’s satisfied his . . . urges.

  “I haven’t been in an actual relationship since Angela. I’ve dated here and there, hooked up, whatever you want to call it, but there hasn’t been a single woman I’ve wanted to even bring around Lily. At first, it seemed like the whole single-father thing made women a magnet towards me.”

  I smile, remembering the first time I saw him holding Lily. She looked so small, and even though a lot of guys would’ve looked terrified, he didn’t. He was utterly devoted to her from the very beginning. It was obvious he was made for fatherhood. He’s proven me right ever since.

  “Trust me, Cruz. Even if you didn’t have a little girl, you’d still be a magnet for women. But you’re right. There’s something about a devoted daddy that just turns women on.”

  “Initially, maybe, and now, it might be easier with Lily being older. It’s just that, when she was a baby, I tried dating. I really did. But eventually, anyone I was interested ended up resenting the fact that I had to cancel dates or run home to deal with a sick baby. Like everyone else, they expected me to let Ma deal with it, and that wasn’t the kind of father I was going to be.”

  Laughing, I shake my head. “That’s ridiculous. It’s what attracted me to you in the first place. The fact that you’d drop anything for her. You could’ve easily allowed your mom to raise Lily, but you didn’t. You still aren’t.”

  “You’re twenty-seven, though. It’s easy for you to say that now. You have to remember I was barely twenty-one when Lily was born. Girls that age, at least not any of the ones I met, didn’t want to be saddled down with a baby. And I didn’t blame them. So I stopped trying, and it just kind of stuck. It was actually pretty easy.”

  “I guess that makes sense, but apparently, you were trying to date idiots. When I was sixteen, it was your devotion that I loved. Why any woman would want to be with a single father who acts any differently is inconceivable to me.”

  He laughs then cocks his head as he looks at me. “What about you? What’s your excuse for not dating? In all the time I’ve known you, you’ve never had a serious relationship, and I can remember seventeen-year-old you claiming marriage is for idiots and you’ll never let a man tie you down.”

  I could go with honesty—that I’ve been a lovesick fool waiting for him to notice me. Or I could go with partial honesty. With a shrug, I decide to go with partial. “None of the men I’ve dated have ever made me want anything more. Mom always taught us that life is short. So why would I waste it with someone who doesn’t make my heart flutter or make me weak in the knees? Instead, I’ve enjoyed my life in mutually beneficial relationships without the risk of getting my heart broken.”

  “We’re quite the pair,” he remarks, and I smile.

  “We definitely are.”

  “Can I ask you a question?

  I nod and brace myself for it.

  “How do you know it’s me you want? Not the guy with the cute little girl that you love so much?”

  “Because from the moment I met you, my heart started to flutter. And it’s never stopped,” I admit without pause, opting for complete and total honesty this time.

  “Well . . . wow,” he says, and I laugh.

  “It’s okay, Xavier. I heard you loud and clear earlier. You don’t have to worry about me expecting a marriage proposal or anything like that. I’m not that girl.”

  He gives me a pensive look. “What do you see for your future?”

  “I don’t know. I guess what anyone wants, really. I want to fall in love. Find happiness. All that good stuff. Not so much the ‘happily ever after as we ride off into the sunset’ kind of thing. But I’d like to find someone who makes me live and love every single day without worrying too much about the future.”

  “Get married? Have kids?” he asks.

  I think about it for a second. “I don’t even know anymore. I was never the girl who grew up planning her wedding. If and when I meet the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, I don’t need a ring on my finger or a piece of paper to show we’re in it for the long haul. I’ll know in my heart, and it’s enough for me. I’m not big on the institution. The labels aren’t the important part. Though I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want a family. I just don’t know how traditional it’ll be.”

  “I couldn’t do that. If I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman, I’d want the world to know. She’d have my ring. She’d have my name. I couldn’t have it any other way,” he states matter-of-factly.

  “That’s because of your possessive streak. I imagine you all growly and hot muttering terms like ‘wife’ and ‘my woman’ like some sexy caveman.”

  He laughs but doesn’t protest. “It’s not just that. Family’s everything to me, and I want my family to feel whole. It’s not about the piece of paper or the decree. It’s the commitment. The claiming of each other before God and everyone else. For example, if you were my wife, my ring would be
on your finger, and you’d be Kalli Cruz. No question about it. I’d want the whole world to know you’re mine.”

  I could be, and then I shake the thought out of my head. Wishful thinking would get me nowhere right now. Plus, he was just using it as an example.

  “Then I guess we’re at an impasse,” I say, opting for teasing rather than agreeing that, for him, I’d gladly wear his ring and take his name.

  “See? You’ve only been off duty for a few hours and I already know things about you that I didn’t know before. I’d say this is a good start.”

  “Likewise. So I guess we go from here?” I ask, trying not to sound too hopeful.

  “We go from here,” he echoes. He sits up in his chair and leans forward, taking my hand. “Kalli, please be patient with me. I promise I won’t go as slow as I have been, but can we work on building our relationship?” His eyes plead with mine, begging me not to push him. To try to be patient for a little while longer. “Can I see you? Away from Lily, just you and me? And then, maybe after that, we can see where this goes. This is just all so new, and I don’t want to screw it up. I’m a little out of practice.” He chuckles nervously.

  Sighing, I close my eyes, wondering how much longer he’s going to make me wait. When I open them, the hopeful expression on his face softens my resolve. “Part of me doesn’t want to agree. I feel like we’ve already been in limbo for weeks, and the effect you have on me is dizzying. Confusing. That being said, I do get that this is new for you and you need time. I can give you the time, Xavier. But I need things, too. I’m not going to continue putting my life on hold for much longer. I’m not saying it’s going to happen, but I won’t always be sitting at home, alone, waiting for you to decide what you want. After all, I’m going out with Lucy tomorrow and I’ll start meeting people.”

  I hold my breath, waiting for his response. In all reality, I know I’m not going to be looking for dates, but I know Xavier. If I don’t give him a little push in the right direction, we may continue to stay just friends for the next ten years, and I am not okay with that.